Why Maids Don't Date the Guards

by Lunarus Solaris Nexus

The End of Dinner

So I need to dress nice. My formal dress uniform is all I have. I hate that thing. From the dress shirt itself to that devil of a device known simply as the bow tie, I sincerely HATE this thing. The shirt makes me itchy no matter what I wear under it, and I can't cause that's not in uniform, the tie chokes me when it's in regulation and the jacket is far too restricting! I can't move in that thing to save my life. If I ever had to fight in that thing I'd probably end up dead. At least I don't have to have the damn skirt female soldiers had to wear. From what I heard it itched too.

Right after she left my room I went to the restaurant and made an eight o'clock reservation for two at the Chic Aliment. Three hundred Bits per pony! Three hundred Faust damn it! Given, six hundred Bits wasn't a massive shot to my bank account but it certainly scratched it. I check the mirror and see my messy mane in its usual, scruffy state. I don't care how fancy the restaurant, I'm not cleaning my mane up. It was fine, Luna and Shining Armor wouldn't call me out on it so if it's good for them it's good for a fancy restaurant.

I just put a few strays in place and walked out. When Luna heard where I was going, she insisted on me wearing the new versions of my Iron Icarus. I don't understand why but she said it made me look more important. Well considering I was a unicorn, they made me look like an alicorn if you looked out of the corner of your eye. That was part of the reason I didn't wear them unless I had to. AKA, combat/training. I can't stand the looks I get because of those fucking things. I don't need to be a mind reader to know what they think. "Wannabe." Part of the reason I avoid them outside of my own personal use. The other is they can be uncomfortable at times.

I took a fast root to the maid quarters and started scanning the room numbers as I went. I only knew it cause her personal assistant was the one that had to take the message of her new assignment of my room and hers to her. And my memory is impeccable. 449. I noticed a few maids giving me funny looks, not often a guard is seen in dress uniform walking through the maid's quarters. Then again we didn't wear formal dress often anyways so that was abnormal enough. I pass the 440's and it isn't long before I found her door again. I give a swift knock and that green pony I met that night at the club… And for some reason she was all dressed up in a black dress with her mane in a weird braided braid of braids thing. She also had what should've been an illegal amount of makeup on. And was she wearing perfume?

"Oh. Hey Nexus." She said with a half smile. She leant up on the door jamb and looked me over. "You're looking sharp."

"Um… Thanks. What's uh…" I motion to her get up.

"Oh this old thing? I just thought I'd dress up for our dinner date. You like?"

"I'm sorry what? I-"

"Didn't say I could bring friends." Dust said completing my sentence.

"Yes I did." I protest.

"No you didn't." She replied instantly. "Hope you don't mind." Thankfully Dust only wore a simple baby blue dress with hardly any more makeup than usual. She normally just had a little on her cheeks and maybe a little mascara. In this case she wore a bit more on her cheeks, red lipstick and a small touch of black eyeliner. She also had her mane in her semi-normal braid. I kind of liked that look.

Nevertheless I wasn’t letting this by. "Mind? Yes! I do mind!" I say shoving past the green one into Dust's room. "It's three hundred Bits per PONY! I don't want to shell out another thre-"

"Six."

"What?"

"Six hundred."

"Sorry I'm late Swe- Oh I'm right on time." I hear Swift say from behind me.

I spin around and find Swift in a dark red dress that fit close to her body. Her short mane was brushed and curled on the end but other than that nothing. Compared to the others the green one looked like a circus clown. Why she thought she looked good with all of that makeup I'll never know.

"So, you expect me to pay twelve hundred Bits JUST to take you and your friends to dinner?"

"We made a bet." Dust said walking up to me. "And we all agreed not to order anything too expensive."

"And why should I believe that?"

"Because Martini doesn't want to know what I'll do to her if she doesn't." Swift said putting a hoof on the green pony's shoulder. Guess that was Martini.

"And the desert?"

"I know the guy that runs Joe's near the train tracks. He owes us a free round of sundae's when Swift kicked a thief in the nose and made him drop what he stole. We can stop there."

"Ice cream and doughnuts after the best food in all of Canterlot?"

"Why not? He's got the best doughnuts in Equestria after all. And have you had his sundaes?"

"I have. Mom and I use to get one after each good report card. That's fine by me. But the cheapest thing there is a refill on the bread at fifty Bits."

"How do you know?" Martini asked.

"My dad's brother had an engagement party dinner there. His second wife was loaded but she stuck him with the bill. We heard about it for weeks after he moved into our house."

"He still there?" Dust asked.

"Not for about ten years now. Third wife thankfully came in and whipped his sorry flank into shape."

"Well this is nice but we're going to lose our reservations if we chat any longer." Swift pointed out.

"Right, y'all ready to go?"

"Y'all?" Martini said moving in with a swing in her hips. "That's a word I don't hear often. Kind of exotic… Y'all… Say it again."

"No. Ready to go Dust?"

"Just let me get my purse." Dust walked into the back room. Martini looked like she was going to make another move but Swift put a hoof on her shoulder again and stopped dead. Dust came back with a small blue bag hanging off the side of her neck. "Alright, let's go. They ready, Swift?"

"They?" I ask.

"I pulled rank on a couple of Royal Pullers and they'll be taking us where we want to go tonight." Swift said waving off the question.

"Really?"

"If they want to make Sergeant they need an officer's recommendation."

"I get how it works Swift."

"If you play nice tonight I can get you to Captain."

"I don't do bribes Swift. And Celestia has no say in my rank."

"Quit talking. Let's go already." Martini said grabbing my right hoof and trying to yank me away.

I pulled free and I motioned for Swift to lead.

---

This is going better than I planned. Martini's not being a complete slut towards Nexus. She may have slept with a few guards before but he's not an eager little Privates at the bar so I'm not worried about him. I'm worried about Martini holding up her end of the bargain though. Mom and Dad took me out there for my twenty-first birthday last year and she ate the leftover alfredo for an hour. And that was an expensive dish. But that was a worry for her to have, not me. Though I don't want to abuse our friendship. It might not be much but I like him. He's a great guy, abusing somepony's trust like that isn't my style at all and I don’t want to come across like that.

The ride was nice. Summer was always my favorite season to just go out at night. Warm but not too hot, especially at this altitude. The heat wasn't usually very bad unless it was going to rain. The wind made it better. I preferred having my mane down for this kind of night but I had to look more presentable. Martini was on the outside right of the open air carriage with Swift while I was on the left with Nexus. I kind of missed just seeing him without all of his military stuff on. He looked so uncomfortable in that get up. Those ribbons on his left side might as well have been stabbing him. That look on his face was absolutely misery.

Martini kept going on about the alfredo she had as we went and I think both Swift and Nexus were about to throw her out. She actually tried to flirt with Nexus again, for some reason asking him to say y'all again or something else from the south. That did raise a question in my mind that I really need to figure out.

"What was with that anyways?" I asked hoping to shut Martini up for a minute. "You saying y'all. I thought you said you were born in Canterlot?"

"I was. Born and raised. My dad's side is from here and the north while my mom's from Ponyville. Her whole family is from Ponyville."

"And that explains the southern speak?" Swift asked.

"We took a lot of vacations. Mom's got four sisters so we had a lot of reasons to visit."

"So they just rubbed off on you?"

"Rub'dof't is how Mom would put it. If she let her accent through more."

Everypony in the carriage laughed, even Nexus. It was nice to see him smiling, he had a nice smile. I don't get why he doesn't do it more often. It didn't take long to get to the restaurant, the highest class restaurant in Canterlot would obviously be closer to the castle than anything else. You could practically see the garden from the outdoor café, but only just. There wasn’t much to see but plenty of ponies would pay just to feel like Canterlot Royalty. It kind of made me feel disappointed in society. But then again those were the ponies that were fun to laugh at. We arrived and Nexus checked a silver watch on his hoof, at least I hope it was on him and not built in.

"Right on time, move it!" Nexus said practically leaping out of the carriage.

He jogged through the revolving doors of the white marble building. Swift was right behind him and Martini fell flat on her face trying to do the same. She shouldn't've worn heels. I help her up and use a wipe from my purse to get her smudged makeup off while leaving as much as I could on, in her case it wasn't enough but she refused to let me do it this time. Why she thought she looked "sexy" with enough makeup to shame a clown I don't think I'll ever understand. I get in and Nexus is busy writing out a check while Swift stood off to the side. Judging from the way his pen was moving he wasn't happy with what he was writing down. He handed the check over to the man at the front podium and he took four menus from the side pocket.

"Hope you're happy Dust. He just happily added another hundred to modify my reservations." Nexus said hardly hiding how pissed he was.

The stallion motioned for them to follow him and we followed him to a small table outside. The white cloth over top of it was circular for some reason but that didn't matter. The waiter used his magic to pull the stools out and everypony sat down as he levitated our menus to our seats. He pushed the stools in and nearly knocked Martini on her face again.

"I will have a waiter come by for your orders later but might I recommend a nice wine to start you all off?"

"We'll share a bottle of your cheapest red." I said quickly.

"Very well. Your bread will be here soon with your server. I hope you have a wonderful evening with us ladies and gentleman." he said.

"A whole bottle?" Nexus asked.

"Cheapest is fifty bits per glass or for the whole bottle. So that's as good as it gets." I said pointing it out on the menu. "And maybe we could all share a meal. Something big."

"A lasagna?" Nexus asked.

"Meat? Ew! No." Martini said cringing in disgust. "What about that pasta thing you brought back last year! Maybe something like that."

"You just want the alfredo." Swift said. "We get that there won't be any left for the rest of us."

"She from here?" Nexus asked.

"Yeah." Martini said peeking over the menu, trying to show off her overly done eyelashes. "Born and raised, just like you soldier boy."

"Yeah then there's going to be more than enough left."

"What's that suppose to mean!?" Martini said actually putting her menu down.

"Nothing," Nexus said not looking up from the menu. "the alfredo is about a hundred bits so maybe we can get it large and split it between us?"

"You think we can do that?" Swift asked.

"I don't know, let's just see what we're going to get if that doesn't work out."

"Always got a plan don't you?" Swift asked scanning her menu.

"Never without one."

"Even when it goes bad."

"That in his file too?" I asked.

"Not part of his."

"Who's?" Martini asked.

"Shining Armor's." Swift answered.

"You go through everypony's file?"

"Yes I do. You drank WAY too much during your week of college."

"What year did that happen?"

"Her one week."

"Her first week?" Nexus asked.

"No. Her only week of college."

"Swift, shut up!"

I see Nexus smile, not being on the receiving end of Swift's little attacks. But Martini might've deserved it a bit more than Nexus. He was just antisocial and didn't understand what Swift does, Martini, as much as I love her, is a slut. Sometimes you need to knock down the girls that think they're untouchable. Martini for some reason looked to Nexus like he was going to do anything. Thankfully our server got there with our bread and alcohol.

"Everypony ready to order?" she asked setting the bottle on the table with the chocolate brown bread loaf.

"Uh yes, could we get a whole alfredo platter for our table?" Nexus said.

"A whole platter? Um…" she started writing down our order. "Do you want those all on plates or… what?"

"No just the platter next to us on a cart or something with something to get it out of it. You know how much that would cost?"

"Uh… I don't know sir, I'll go ask the chef. May I ask why?"

"We just might want more than one plate. We've had long days of work and a vacation coming up. So we just wanna know if this would be a bit more economical." Nexus said smoothly.

"Um…. Okay I'll ask our chef of the cost of a whole platter of alfredo. Would you like me to pour your first glasses of wine?"

"No we're fine." Swift said.

The waitress nodded and trotted off.

"Alright I need to taste this wine!" Martini said reached out and pouring herself her first glass.

"You get two glasses." Nexus said.

"Why?"

"A bottle goes for about eight glasses." Swift said.

"So?"

"There's four of us honey." I tell her.

"So?"

"Don't drink it all." Swift had to clarify.

"At most you can get three if one of us doesn't want more than one." Nexus added on.

"Fine… Will either of yo-"

"No." Swift and I tell her simultaneously.

She looked actually sad about that. I would've given her some if I didn't want to enjoy this fifty bit bottle for all it was worth. If I could I was going to steal a glass from Swift if she'd let me but I knew that wasn't going to happen. Since he was paying for it, Nexus wasn't going to give up his glass either. He was the first to go for the bread, taking a slice and covering it in butter.

"So… What exactly do you do Swift?" Nexus asked.

"I'm sorry?" Swift asked.

"Well you've spent plenty of time with me and you know just about everything important about me, may as well know something about you. All I know is you're a guard with a couple of scars."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"And I don't like you talking about me so spill it."

"If she doesn't want to talk about it then we shouldn't make her."

"And I'm only responding in kind to what she does to everypony else."

Is he actually answering Martini's plea for help? If he is I can't believe it. I hope he's not leading her on…

"I don't want to talk about it, Nexus. So stop."

"And I don't care." Nexus set down his bread and leant onto the table.

Swift slumped back a bit. She glared back at him across the table and, like he said, he responded in kind with a glare of own.

“If you know what’s good for you stop right now.”

"It's not a good feeling is it Swift? Being forced to give an explanation about things you don't want said? And you know I'm not going to stop until you say it. Now, what do you do?"

"Nexus…" I say about to try and stop him.

"I'm not a guard. At least I wasn't. I was a Navy Raider. We're the ones that drop into the fight before anypony else. I've lead four rescues per two tours of service against the changelings. One of those was for an officer that you might know Nexus. Now, Captain Brand Fire. We went in and a changing rammed that broken horn into my left shoulder. Almost crippled me." She pulled her dress strap back to show her scar. "It went all the way through and even got infected. And that's not what knocked me out of service. I took a few bolts to the chest on one, a chunk of ceiling broke my leg in four places and ripped me open pretty good too and there was a very painful slice across my stomach that came from a clever little fuck with a knife that also got infected. Now I'm just the guard for the upper floor staircase to Princess Celestia's tower." Swift leant forwards and put her hoofs on the table. "Satisfied?"

"Very." Nexus replied stone cold.

"Dust, mind coming with me to the bathroom?"

"Yeah sure." I say getting my purse and getting up from my seat.

She practically storms into the mare's room and makes sure nopony is in there with us. I quickly go into damage control mode.

"Look I know he's being a dick but do-"

"I'm well aware he's being a dick Dust! I get why he's doing it but he's…. GAH! You have no idea how hard I'm having to hold back just throwing his whole life back in his face. He's not some boy scout! He's fought about as much as an average soldier before he even got in the military!"

"Look there's gotta be a better way to get him back."

"The problem is I don't know if I should. If I was drunk I'd give him this talk and just keep going until I shouted myself mute! But I haven't been a saint towards him either so I don't know if I should."

"You don't deserve what he's actually giving you."

"It's just a taste of my own medicine. I've never had somepony get on me since I met you."

"And I learned to not do that. I know it's just how you are but he doesn't. Just think of some other way to get him back that didn't involve what you did to me."

I really hated what she did to me. It actually kind of scared me. She pulled a very elaborate ruse. I'm not sure how to describe it but somehow she knocked me out, convinced me I was eight months pregnant and almost got me fired because everypony thought I was going crazy. I was the only one that saw my baby bump and she even paid off a guard to pretend he was my husband to really flip my lid.

"I'm really struggling to actually not do something like that again… Maybe make him think he turned into a mare… I bet I could get Luna in on it too that insensitive FUCK!" Swift punched the nearest sink. At least she didn't break it or her hoof. She must've held back.

"He's not. You know that."

"At this point I don't know. I've never been challenged so bluntly like that… Why'd I fold?"

"You wanted to get it over with maybe?"

"No… After all the shit I've been through I don't fold. A soldier doesn’t fold that quickly."

"Well this is a bit more properly public than a club Swift. You didn't want to make a scene."

"Stop just throwing shit at the wall until it sticks Dust! I folded after three months of you prodding. He did it for three minutes."

"Look… Just calm down and don't do anything you'll regret here. At least wait until we get our leftovers and go to Joe's before enacting something. Please."

"Why do you care?"

"Because I know you don't hate him. I get this is like your initiation to deep meaningful friendship but going at him in this restaurant isn't the place to do it. We promised to not cost him too much and I don't intend on breaking that promise and I know you don't either. Please, for the sake of actually keeping his friendship just be nice until after dinner. Or at the very least pretend he isn’t there."

"And why would I want his friendship? He's an ass-hole."

"Well no offence Hon but so are you. He might be the best friend you can get, and maybe getting you to spill your life is a sign that he's a friend you need."

"So you're saying I just let it slide?"

"No, make him pay. But wait for it. If anything give me time to let him know how you work."

Swift turned around and looked in the mirror. She just looked for a moment, I wished desperately to be able to read her mind. After what must've been the longest fifteen seconds of my life, she sighed and agreed. But I had to give up my second glass.