Why Maids Don't Date the Guards

by Lunarus Solaris Nexus

Not so Fun Evening

We made our way outside not long after Nexus took his hat back. I have to admit, it's kind of fun pushing this boy's buttons. Let's see how many more I can push? We finally make our way outside after several minutes of silence.

"Alright, welcome to the outside world. That's a tree and this is fresh air." I say hoping I've gotten under his skin sufficiently.

"I go for a ten mile run every single day Ms. Storm. I'd appreciate getting this over with as much as you. Now where are we going?" Nexus said flatly.

"Luna should've mentioned you were a kill joy. Well we're going to go to the club and I'll introduce you to my friends. Try and play nice at the very least."

"Did I ever say I was?"

"No, but Princess Luna did."

"Oh I'm sure she did." Nexus said groaning.

I'm starting to like Princess Luna a bit more. "Don't think I'm going to babysit you The thumping of the music could be heard fairly a block away. The line wasn't very long thankfully and I could see one of my friends in line. Martini looked impatient but seemed much more enthusiastic when she saw who was following me. I walk over with a smile and give Martini a hug.

"Where's Swift?" I ask as Nexus catches up.

"Already inside. Who, uh, who's your friend?"

"Apple Martini, this is Nexus, Princess Luna's personal guard."

"Charmed." Nexus said waving.

"Pleasure's all mine Mr. Nexus." Martini said with that stupid flirty wave she does. Doesn't look like he picked up on it though.

"So where's Swift?" I ask before she starts asking about his weapon.

"Inside already, I wanted to wait on you but she was thirsty."

"I hate when she's like this."

"Like what?" Nexus asked.

"Don't worry about it. Let's go get her before she kicks another stallion's teeth in."

"Another?" Nexus asked.

---

Another? Whoever Swift is I'm certain I don't wanna get on whatever side she's on. They talk to the bouncer and vouch for me. Honestly I was hoping he'd throw me out. This music is unbearable!

"So where's-" I would've finished that thought but it became fairly obvious.

A gray unicorn mare with a short orange mane was thrown onto the dance floor.

"Damn it Swift." Dust said shoving her way past the ponies on the dance floor.

She picked up the unicorn and dragged her back. "What part of 'Look don't touch' don't you understand jerk off!?" Was she already drunk?

"Look at you honey, your nose…" Martini said.

"You fucking sl-" I didn't need much more than him coming up ready to swing. I swing and land a perfect right hook to his jaw. Wasn't willing for him to get up again so I spin around and knock him down with a single kick to his stomach.

"You know what's good for ya, stay down!" I demand as the bouncer makes his way to them.

"H…How's the other guy look?" Swift asked dazed.

"Worse than you honey, I honestly think you made an improvement." Martini said as they started towards what I can only assume was their normal booth.

---

Okay he's crazy. Sits alone in the dark and knocks other men down like it's nothing. Whatever he did during "Deployment" Should probably stay as far away from us as possible. Even Swift has trouble with fights once in awhile but he just dropped a stallion in practically one punch. The kick might've been for fun, I couldn't tell. I help Martini set Swift down in the booth shove her into the back of the booth. Nexus had vanished at some point. Swift's head started swaying in an invisible wind with her eyes shut.

"Swift, open your eyes and look at me." I ask.

Before she can answer the question the music suddenly stops. I look up and see a blue bubble around us, nopony else outside the bubble seemed to notice the sudden lack of sound. Nexus walked through it with two glasses of clear liquids, one bubbling and one not.

"Where'd you go?" Dust asked.

"Went to get a few things for that nose and the eventual headache." He said taking a seat. "I can fix the nose easy enough if it's not broken but the blood's not going to clean itself. Look at me… Swift right?"

She weakly groaned in what could've been considered a 'Uh hu.' Nexus helped pick her head up and hold an eye open. Was he wearing his metal boots?

"Alright, follow my hoof." He said. He moved it back and forth and she followed it slightly slowly. "Well if she's got a concussion it's not bad." His horn lit up and her nose glowed slightly. "That should take care of the bleeding. Just wipe the blood off her face."

"Yeah sure." I said dipping a napkin in the glass of water. There wasn't too much but I did have to dip it again, her blood seeping out into the iced water.

"Think she'll be okay?"

"More than likely. She'll have a hell of a headache though."

"Nothing new. Certainly nothing a good massage can't fix. In fact I think I might need one." Martini said with one of her twenty "Come and get me. smiles.

Should I stop her? That look on his face is priceless. Haven't pushed buttons like this since High School! For a stone he's kind of easy.

"There, as beautiful as ever." Swift's head suddenly hit the table.

"Well with that, I'm going to get some drinks. Keep him here." I said.

"With pleasure." She got up and made her way to the other side of the table and tried to lean on him. He pushed her off instantly.

"Don't touch me." He said before I left the bubble for the bar.

---

I'm gonna have to talk to Luna about this little arrangement. I've got nothing against pretty girls but I've certainly got something against girls with no personal space. I finish cleaning Swift's face, she's on me again. Asking what exactly I did, what those little scars on my neck were, what my favorite drink was and what really got on my nerves, what I put in my hair to make it so soft. I actually had to toss her out of the booth as Dust got back. Looked like she got an apple martini, don't really have to guess who that was for, something colorful and a beer. She sat down and rolled her eyes at me.

"What part of playing nice don't you understand?" she sounded annoyed. Good.

"Keep her as far from me as you can, please?" I ask as she slides me the bottle. "I don't drink."

"A soldier that doesn't drink, that's a first." Dust said sipping her bright pink drink. Possibly a Strawberry Sunset. Mom's favorite.

"I just don't."

"Well I'm not waiting. I think I spy a Hoofington boy!" Martini said getting up with her drink and leaving the bubble.

"What's her deal?" I asked.

"She likes accents." Dust took another sip of her drink and sighed. "Come on, I didn't come here to sit in a bubble the hole Night."

"What? I'm here, I'm with somepony I've never met. Look, I'll even talk to her if that helps." He turned to Swift, still out cold. "So how are you?"

"Has anypony ever told you you're a dick."

"Damn straight!" Swift said suddenly sitting up. She gingerly prodded her nose. "Ow."

"You'll be fine. Just avoid getting into another fight and you'll be fine."

"Nice to see you're back in the land of the living Swift. You feel alright?"

"Aside from my nose yeah. A shot of whisky should fix that!"

"I'd lay off the alcohol incase the vein pops again. It'll just make it bleed more."

"Who asked you?" Swift snapped.

Yeah I don't wanna go any further down her bad side. I just put a hoof up and put my nose back in my book. I do see Swift down her ginger ail with gusto out the corner of my eye.

---

I see Swift start looking him over, sizing him up for a fight probably. He was reading something about Computers? Was that what he was doing when I went to get him? The hell do those things even do? I've seen some delivered to the castle but other than that I don't… If he was he'd need a bigger room.

"You know a computer sciences book would probably tell you more." Swift said to him.

"I'm well aware." He said not looking up from the book. "It's the fourth time I've read through this thing." Swift got up and shoved her way past me and began shambling her way to the bathroom. "Just need to figure out something to-"

"She's gone dude. I worry about her sometimes."

"From what I've seen she can handle herself. But I can understand the feeling" he still didn't look up. "You can go if you want. I'm not leaving until you do."

"That's not the point Nexus."

I really need to get new friends. I walk through the bubble and feel the bass thumping in my chest. I kind of liked that feeling. I need to avoid it for now. I walk into the ladies room and pass two valley girls on their way out. They stank of cigarettes. I saw Swift at her usual sink washing her face and rinsing her mouth out. Must've just finished vomiting.

"Hey, you okay Swift?" I ask rubbing her back. As usual she smacked my hoof away.

"I'm still standing aren't I Sweetie?" she said with a smile. Amazing how she just bounces back like that. "Come on, let's get Gloom and Doom out there to loosen up eh?"

"You sure you don't wanna just sit back a bit longer? Given this isn't your worst bar brawl b-"

"I'm fine Sweetie. Come on, let's have some fun!" She took me by the hoof and dragged me back out into the club. It's not long before we're back in the bubble. "Come on Grump, we're hitting the dance floor."

"I'm fine here thank you." He said still not looking up.

"Come on, you can't stay here all night! Have some fun!"

---

She turns to Dust and groans. Still amazing how she's bounced back from this so quick. "And you!"

"What?" Dust asked sounding offended.

"You're not at work Honey, let your hair down!" Swift's horn lit up and her magic grabbed her braided ponytail.

She used her magic to unfurl it. I have to admit, I didn't realize how long her black mane was, or how curly it was. Then Swift gave me the same come and get me grin that Martini had given me earlier. I felt a pit form in my stomach. I really hate when ponies flirt with me. It doesn’t happen often thankfully but it doesn't change how much I like it anymore when it does.

"Seriously, go have a ball. I'll get the cab at the end of the night. Think of me as the designated puller." I say faking a smile.

"Ugh… I'll be back for you." she said winking.

Dust was dragged away before she could protest. Finally I could get through this damn page. I did thankfully but about halfway through the page after next Swift came waltzing back in.

"Come on! It's a party. Let's dance!" she said grabbing my foreleg and yanking on it a couple of times.

"Yeah. I don't dance."

"I don't care, get up!" This time her tug was more of a strong yank.

She's a lot stronger than I thought. I drop my book on the table and I'm dragged out of my own bubble, in more than one way. The thumping music was painful, the sound already gave me a headache.

"How do you people deal with this noise!?" I shout over the music.

"Tune it out." Swift said as I approached Dust and Martini.

Dust's mane was about as scruffy as mine at this point. Well not scruffy but certainly messy compared to how it was when it came undone earlier. Still curly though. Swift practically through me at Dust as she began dancing. Dust didn't seem to mind almost falling over me as I did the same. In fact she was smiling and grabbed me by the hoofs and tried to get me to dance when I got my footing back. I took them back and rubbed my temples as the bass pounded my eardrums. I feel somepony grab me by the shoulder and turn me around. I find Swift using her magic to steal somepony's ear buds, oddly enough they didn't notice.

"Here you big baby." She said with a giggle. She slipped the white pieces of plastic into my ears with her hoofs and smiled at me. "Better?" She shouted over the music and ear protection.

"Not really." I say trying to yank the ear buds out. "These things hurt my ears and seriously, don't touch me."

---

"Not really. These things hurt my ears and seriously, *bass thump* touch me."

Did I just hear him right? I look over Nexus' shoulder at Swift and she seemed to be on the same page as me. Martini on the other hand was too distracted by her foreign cuisine to care. We smiled and began doing as he asked. About time too, I was tired of waiting for him to loosen up. I put a wing over him and start grinding against his side. Well as close as I can get to grinding. Swift had put her hoofs over his ears and looked him square in the eyes. Not sure why she liked doing that to guys but whatever made her happy. I slide up against him and nuzzled his neck and planted a kiss under his left jaw. He visibly shuddered before he slapped Swift's hoofs away and shoved her back. At the same time, he planted a hindleg in my chest and shoved me back with force.

"I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME!" Nexus shouted louder than I thought possible. The whole club went silent, even the music shut off. "When I say don't touch me I fucking meant!" he turned around and began storming out of the club, even giving the ear buds Swift gave him to some dude.

I looked up at him in disbelief as he stormed out. "What'd I do?" I asked Swift. She chased him out.

---

What the absolute fuck is their problem!? What part of don't touch don't they understand? Alright, I see a cab. I pat my jacket to find my wallet and feel something is lacking. My book. I groan and spin on my heels, nearly slamming head first into Swift.

"Listen ma'am, I'm not in the mood to hear shit. I'm just going to get my book, go home and deal with the wrath of Luna." I say about to side step her.

"No." She says putting a hoof in my chest. The music kicked back on "Just relax." Her voice as a lot lower and softer than before. "I've seen ponies like you before. Just slow down and breath. Nopony's watching you now, you're all alone." Her voice got softer. "You've seen combat, I saw it in your eyes, I've been there." She got closer and the pressure on my chest got lighter. "You don't have to run."

"I'm not running." I tell her adamantly. "And honestly, you're the last pony I want telling me anything." I side step her and make my way to the club again.

I rounded the corner to the door and bumped into a familiar mare. Dust squeaked in surprise and nearly fell over. "H-hey." she said quickly.

---

Oh god he looks pissed. I didn't dare move. He stormed past me and into the club so my eyes dart across the sidewalk to find Swift. I see her not far away sitting near the curb. I was quick to rush to her side, already thinking of what pieces of my mind I wanted to give to Nexus.

"Are you okay? What happened?" I asked putting a hoof over her shoulder.

"It's nothing Sweetie. Just get him back to the castle and I'll just go back to the party." Swift said.

"No, if yo-"

"No buts Dust, just take him out of here before he says something he regret in the morning." She told me slightly somber. I had a feeling that meant she'd fight him.

"Bu-"

"I don't need her to take me back to the castle." Nexus said briskly walking by us.

"Nexus wait." I said catching up to him.

He didn't stop walking. "If she's so keen on me going home then she can take me there herself. You on the other hoof can stay here and do whatever you want."

"Wait." I say grabbing him by the tail. "She really shouldn't be here without somepony she knows that isn't completely wasted." I told him quietly. "The way she is right now she needs somepony to keep her from getting herself in trouble."

"And starting fights isn't trouble enough?" Nexus asked, his voice just as quiet.

"I don't want her to pick the wrong fight. Have a heart for once."

He blinked and he sighed. "Help me get her up and away from the bar."

"Club." I corrected.

Nexus spun around and made his way back to the club. Swift was still sitting on the ground.

Nexus put a hoof out, offering to help her up. "Come on, you're going back to the castle with us."

"Look, I-"

"No excuses soldier. Up and adam, we're moving out."

"You don't give orders to a Captain."

"I do when they're hammered and only drifting in and out of being nuts and being sane. Now get up." Nexus took her hoof and pulled it over a shoulder.

I get on the other side of her and help him hold her up. We walked for a while, Swift constantly telling us to take her back to the club. Once Nexus was satisfied with the distance he flagged down the cab and hauled her in. I sat across from them. Nexus just sat there with his hoof on her back as she started to fade back out. He'd give her a hard pat to keep her awake. The bumpy ride helped too. We helped Swift from the carriage and made our way through the castle gates. After getting through the front gates, Nexus stopped in the middle of the foyer.

"You know where her room is?" he asked checking around to make sure they weren't being seen by other guards.

"Y-yeah. you think she'll be alright?" I asked jostling her lightly to keep her up.

"Should be. Just make sure nopony sees her. Don't want an officer t-"

"To get a bad reputation. She gave me the same speech the first time I brought her back. A-"

"Not my concern. Just do that for sake. I'd rather not catch any shit from this."

Before I had a chance to say anything he walked off, leaving me with Swift still on the edge of passing out.