Very nice. I was in the ORC when you presented this at Everfree NW. I was interested then, and I'm hooked now.
I do feel the need to point out a few things. There are a few cases of switching between present and past tense that should be fixed, along with a few extra words that need to be edited out and a couple of moments of awkward phrasing. Nothing a good editor or a proofreading when you're more awake couldn't fix.
The story hooks me almost instantly. The setting is well constructed, and I keep getting subtle reminders that this all takes place underground and that mares are fairly repressed. Keep up the good work there. I like the main characters, especially with how it's the one with the upper- class upbringing who starts swearing.
One BIG suggestion that I would make: cut the chapters shorter. 18000 words is a lot to take in all at once, and not an easy pace to maintain. I would suggest cutting this chapter into three, and going for a wordcount of about 5 or 6 thousand per chapter.
Over all, 7 out of 10, and I'm very much looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!
6106910 Hello. I'm glad you like what I've got going so far. I hope to get back to work on it again really soon. Life has been hectic lately, but I should be getting back into the swing of things really soon.
Silver Flare has been helping me with editing lately, but one person can only do so much. I do intend to maybe see if I can have him comb through it one more time sometime. If you'd like to help though, I'd be super appreciative if you could maybe locate the missteps in tense and maybe send them to me in a PM? I'd like to get them fixed, but I find I'm terrible at pinpointing them myself.
I'm glad you read it all the way through as well, I've been wondering if Chapter 1 ran a little long, and this is my confirmation on that. I'll get right on dividing them up to the best of my abilities as soon as I can. Also, if I may ask for some input on how the character development is coming, I'd really like to know. Are they likeable, are they well developed enough, etc.? Are there things about them that are bad, or make them mary sues? It's a top priority to avoid content like that.
Ah, here it is. Now I can track this story properly.
5995775
Thanks so much again for helping me edit this story. I think you've already helped me immensely with how I write.
Very nice. I was in the ORC when you presented this at Everfree NW. I was interested then, and I'm hooked now.
I do feel the need to point out a few things. There are a few cases of switching between present and past tense that should be fixed, along with a few extra words that need to be edited out and a couple of moments of awkward phrasing. Nothing a good editor or a proofreading when you're more awake couldn't fix.
The story hooks me almost instantly. The setting is well constructed, and I keep getting subtle reminders that this all takes place underground and that mares are fairly repressed. Keep up the good work there. I like the main characters, especially with how it's the one with the upper- class upbringing who starts swearing.
One BIG suggestion that I would make: cut the chapters shorter. 18000 words is a lot to take in all at once, and not an easy pace to maintain. I would suggest cutting this chapter into three, and going for a wordcount of about 5 or 6 thousand per chapter.
Over all, 7 out of 10, and I'm very much looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!
6106910
Hello. I'm glad you like what I've got going so far. I hope to get back to work on it again really soon. Life has been hectic lately, but I should be getting back into the swing of things really soon.
Silver Flare has been helping me with editing lately, but one person can only do so much. I do intend to maybe see if I can have him comb through it one more time sometime. If you'd like to help though, I'd be super appreciative if you could maybe locate the missteps in tense and maybe send them to me in a PM? I'd like to get them fixed, but I find I'm terrible at pinpointing them myself.
I'm glad you read it all the way through as well, I've been wondering if Chapter 1 ran a little long, and this is my confirmation on that. I'll get right on dividing them up to the best of my abilities as soon as I can. Also, if I may ask for some input on how the character development is coming, I'd really like to know. Are they likeable, are they well developed enough, etc.? Are there things about them that are bad, or make them mary sues? It's a top priority to avoid content like that.