- Member Since 5th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 23rd, 2019
Peekaboo
Just a smalltown mare with a love for artwork and stories.
Peekaboo
Joined 5th Jul, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- wille179 · 190k words · 604 46 · 7k views
- Dconstructed Reconstruct · 51k words · 38 0 · 3.6k views
- Darkswirl · 4.9k words · 389 23 · 5k views
- Vorki · 13k words · 333 34 · 4.8k views
- hydra30 · 110k words · 1,241 69 · 19k views
- Evilpresident · 225k words · 3,402 89 · 55k views
- BinaryTroll · 136k words · 121 22 · 2.8k views
- BRBrony9 · 600k words · 302 24 · 9.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.182 seconds
Total duration
1,011 users online
48,302 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Fics in which the world revolves around the author's original character tend to be horrible, especially when the OC is a black alicorn. I didn't expect much when I read this, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it's not off to a bad start at all.
Burning down all the established continuity and starting over from scratch is a questionable plot point. It kind of defeats the purpose of working within an established fan fiction universe, when you could be writing something completely original.
I will keep reading and see where you go with this.
5396820 I am glad to see that you seem to be liking it so far.
This is the first written piece I've really put out for others to see, and I was actually pretty worried that people might be deterred by the fact that the main character is an Alicorn. But I can assure you that it's not at all another one of those stories where a person basically inserts a OP character of their own into an almighty power role. Also, for record's sake, because some people assume, the Alicorn is just an original character that I made, she is not my personal oc. The story's a WIP at the moment for sure, but it is sort of based upon a theory about Alicorns and a much deeper magic in this story. I hope it will continue to surprise you.
Welp... Interesting concept and stuff (forgot to say it earlier
) but...
Hey- where's all the likes? Am I the only one who put my thumb there?
Can't wait for it to continue
That was an emotionally powerful chapter.
A couple of the longer paragraphs could stand to be broken up a bit. Makes them easier on the eyeballs.
5503139 I'll see what I can do about the paragraphs. They don't look so bad in a word document, but you're right, posted here on the site they look long and are kind of strenuous on the eyes.
Ah, here it is. Now I can track this story properly.
5995775
I think you've already helped me immensely with how I write. 
Thanks so much again for helping me edit this story.
Very nice. I was in the ORC when you presented this at Everfree NW. I was interested then, and I'm hooked now.
I do feel the need to point out a few things. There are a few cases of switching between present and past tense that should be fixed, along with a few extra words that need to be edited out and a couple of moments of awkward phrasing. Nothing a good editor or a proofreading when you're more awake couldn't fix.
The story hooks me almost instantly. The setting is well constructed, and I keep getting subtle reminders that this all takes place underground and that mares are fairly repressed. Keep up the good work there. I like the main characters, especially with how it's the one with the upper- class upbringing who starts swearing.
One BIG suggestion that I would make: cut the chapters shorter. 18000 words is a lot to take in all at once, and not an easy pace to maintain. I would suggest cutting this chapter into three, and going for a wordcount of about 5 or 6 thousand per chapter.
Over all, 7 out of 10, and I'm very much looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!
6106910
Hello. I'm glad you like what I've got going so far. I hope to get back to work on it again really soon. Life has been hectic lately, but I should be getting back into the swing of things really soon.
Silver Flare has been helping me with editing lately, but one person can only do so much. I do intend to maybe see if I can have him comb through it one more time sometime. If you'd like to help though, I'd be super appreciative if you could maybe locate the missteps in tense and maybe send them to me in a PM? I'd like to get them fixed, but I find I'm terrible at pinpointing them myself.
I'm glad you read it all the way through as well, I've been wondering if Chapter 1 ran a little long, and this is my confirmation on that. I'll get right on dividing them up to the best of my abilities as soon as I can. Also, if I may ask for some input on how the character development is coming, I'd really like to know. Are they likeable, are they well developed enough, etc.? Are there things about them that are bad, or make them mary sues? It's a top priority to avoid content like that.
6109015 Glad I could be of service!
As for the characters (this is before I've read Chapter 2, so my opinions may change slightly): Charlotte seems well developed. We don't have tons of detail about her personal life and backstory, but that's OK since she isn't the main character. Her vocal and forceful personality really shine through. Keep up the good work with her.
As for Amicy, I think she could use a little more. She's not poorly written, but Charlotte's personality seems to overpower her a little. If it weren't for the fact that the conflicts center around her, I'd think that Amicy was the best friend to Charlotte's main character. Then again, it's fairly early in the story, and Amicy seems to have a more introverted personality. I'd suggest something to show why she's in charge for reasons other than default, but that's just me.
Please don't feel obligated to change things if you think they won't fit. These are just my opinions, and I will admit that they are more than a little biased towards my personal view of what a main character should be like. She's your character in your world, and you know best what works and what doesn't.
I look forward to reading chapter 2!
Edit: didn't realize that chapter two was you dividing of the chapters.
My bad. I look forward to the new material!
6109234
Not to spoil anything, but you can be assured that Amity will be coming out of her shell a bit more in future. This is still VERY early in the story, which is for the most part already mapped out in my head. She's going to shine through, don't worry.
As for Charlotte, I almost feel like she developed her own personality all by herself. The words fell onto paper as though they were simply meant to be that way, and I haven't the slightest intention to change it, haha. You'll get to know a bit more about her background down the road.
Also, don't worry about feeling like you'd make me change anything. I can kinda tell where certain parts of the story are a bit weak, so I'm always open to advice and opinions. But I know what direction overall the story has to take, so I like to take advice where it is needed and always think on or consider the ones that may not before working forward. If nothing else, those things may help me down the road. I strive to better my work every single time I write. So please, always comment what you think, even if you hated it.
I want to be better.
As for Chapter 4 (what was previously chapter 2) it is still in the works, and isn't even finished let alone edited. It may be a while before I get anything more posted, so hang in there. I hope to have it posted before the end of the month if editing allows it though. But that's just the initial goal, we'll see how things turn out. Thanks again!!