Gale rolled his eyes once more. His parents were once again in a heated argument, like they usually did when one wanted to prove the other one wrong over the other.
"Gale needs to feel like a 'real' Pegasus.... feel the wind in his wings, not be some fancy snotty pony from Canterlot." Argued Gust, a blue Pegasus mare with a silver mane that she sometimes pushed out of her face. Her determined amber-eyed gaze held the anger and seriousness of her kind tone, meeting the eyes of the stallion in front of her.
"Psh... every Pegasus can fly Hun. What he needs is status... a name he can back under, and be remembered. Be someone important... different from the rest." Countered a golden-yellow unicorn stallion, named Goldstein. He gave his black mane a comb-over with his magic as he fixed his monticule. "Perhaps meet the princess one day."
"I still don't see why anyone would live in a place like this one." Complained Gust. "It's way too gaudy."
"ENOUGH!!" shouted Gale, and he flattened his ears. "No matter where we live, and no matter what problems, we are still a family. I'd like us to at least try to get along here!?"
" ......I do suppose you are right." said Goldstein demurely.
"You're right." stated gale softly
Gale snapped back to reality, as he sat in the WonderBolt academy. Here he would prove himself to his parents that he was a true Pegasus, one with the air as a bird.... not some ordinary pony with useless wings.
""Alright you rookies, this is where we test your speed and dexterity," announced Spitfire. "Above all is agility. I want to see some serious flying and no lollygagging." Spitfire paused to survey them all one last time. "Now, Let's see what you can do... GO!"
The pegasi took off at a fast takeoff, and cruised through the air.
"I bet Gale will be a fine WonderBolt." Began Fleetfoot. "I've never seen a pegasi other than Rainbow Dash try so hard to get into our ranks. His times are unbelievable."
"Ah, but he'll have to beat Blaze first." Chuckled Spitfire, as she pointed to an orange Pegasus with a red mane. "No one has beat him so far since he's gotten here.... not even Gale."
"Hey Gust," teased Blaze. "Could you fly any slower? Even I could fly faster than that!"
"Oh yeah?" said Gale slightly annoyed.
"Hey! Save that for the obstacle course!" Shouted Fleetfoot. "Don't want to tire you out too quickly."
"I'll crush you like a bug at the obstacle course." Teased Blaze. "That is... if you can attempt to beat me."
The two pegasi, landed at the finish line at the same time a bit out of breath, shortly followed by the other pegasi there.
"Just because you tied this time doesn't mean you'll beat me, Squatmug."
"We'll see about that!" Replied Gale hotly. "I'll rub your stupid short face all over in my victory!!"
After a short break and lunch in the WonderBolt academy cafeteria, the pegasi lined up at the obstacle course. It was lined with hoops, flythroughs, and things to avoid.
"Alright you rookies, we test your speed and dexterity here. Most important is agility here. I want to see some serious skills here, and not some lazy lollygagger. Go let's see what you can do. ....NOW!!" Shouted Spitfire.
The pegasi were off like a shot into the air.
Gale caught sight of Blaze right in front of him, and he grew angered. He pressed his wing speed harder, trying to overcome the red Pegasus from the left. Blaze cast the angered Pegasus an amused look and a mischievous grin.
"So SquatMug.... you think you can beat me? " He sneered, as he avoided an obstacle with ease. Gale followed, his anger giving him strength, and a dark thought coursed through his head. For the first time ever, he thought about pushing his limits. He flapped his wings harder, gaining speed in the air. Gale felt the wind in his mane... and a thrill, for he had never flew this fast before. He easily sped past Blaze in a grey streak of color, and a chuckle.
"Take that! So easy for a Squatmug, huh?"
Blaze gave a scowl as he went through the obstacle course. It's about skill, not speed you idiot... but even so, i'll still be better than you.
But Gale found it hard to avoid obstacles going this fast, and he made a sharp turn..... too sharp. He felt himself loose control..... and he crashed. The last thing he could remember was pain..... mind-numbing agonizing pain.... and the cruel laughter of Blaze in the distance, before everything faded to black.
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
It was some time before consciousness finally found him, although it was a bit before he stirred. A soft voice he heard in the room.
"Oh, you're finally awake. How do you feel?" It was Nurse Redheart by the door, clipboard in hoof.
He blinked and.....something wasn't right. He was in a hospital room, on one of the beds.
"I'm so sorry about your eye... we couldn't save it."
With horror, Gale gingerly put a hoof over the bandage that was over the empty socket of his left eye. Couldn't save it.... oh, the mercy...
"W...what happened?" He asked, his voice filled with fear. "I...is the rest of me okay?"
"Well, you crushed a wing, but that'll heal."
Gale buried his face in his hooves, not wanting to believe what was being said to him.
"You turned too sharply going too fast.... and crashed into a building. Be glad that the speed you were going you didn't kill yourself.... be glad that mare brought you in here."
It's all my fault.... he thought through a dull throb of pain. What will my parent's think? "Wait... what mare?" He asked curiously.
"There was a mare in a disguise...." said Redheart. "A changeling mare."
"Wait, A..A changeling!?" He sputtered in shock.
Saved by a changeling.... how pathetic can I get? Why a changeling!?
Ooooh...
I'm so tempted to put an image of cyclops pony here now
Interesting beginning.
It felt like I read the story in the description...
5418626
5419249 but I will read the first chapter anyway
5419914
Interesting so far.
Minor typos (but who am I to complain about that...)
Just the end felt a bit rushed (not the action part - the very end). Changeling mare? Mare in disguise? Wait what now?! This is a... important twist. I mean - he was saved by a changeling?! What bothers me at this point in the story is, that it don't seem to bother any character in the story.
I mean - the latest thought of Gale, describing it as pathetic. This, I found, was very irritating. Shouldn't he be like "WOAH? Say WHAT?! A changeling? Here in Cloudsdale?! And it saved me?" The same goes for the other characters. I imagine you will set this irritation later in the story. But the lack of it in this chapter, feels a bit off.
But all in all, I am curious where this story will go.
5441373 okay, I understand. I will edit this as I go. thanks for your advice.
5441376 Okay. Lets start from the beginning. It was an interesting and captivating start. It helped us become emotionally connected to Gale. however as we continued I found that the pacing became a little erratic. One moment we're here, the next we're there. There weren't enough leads to direct us from place to place. Sometimes things happened a bit too quickly than they should have.
Next I would say is sentence structuring in dialogue
Should be structured as:
"Hey Gust," teased Blaze. "Could you fly any slower? Even I could fly faster than that!"
"Oh yeah?" said Gale slightly annoyed.
then there was the over use of sometimes unnecessary and redundant words.
Would flow better if written like this. (Just an example, you don't have to write it like this word for word)
"Alright you rookies, this is where we test your speed and dexterity," announced Spitfire. "Above all is agility. I want to see some serious flying and no lollygagging." Spitfire paused to survey them all one last time. "Now, Let's see what you can do... GO!"
All in all it seems like quite a sound premise and I look forward to seeing you improve on this story.
5445327 thanks! I changed it!
5448868
Okay... it's an interesting premise. There just seems to be formatting issues with the text, a few grammatical issues as well, might I recommend Grammarly, there's a free version of it that will catch most of the critical grammar and spelling mistakes, and maybe reach out to someone for helping with formatting. I volunteer myself. If you have a google doc of this, you can pm me the link with the editing or suggestion feature and I can point the areas of the formatting concerns and how to adjust so that it's more visible appealing and flows better for reading.
Hey amazing chapter but I just want to say that blaze is amare not a stallion but other than that that was amazing chapter I love it I know I am late I just made a new account because I forgot the password for my old one so yeah I am late but that was amazing chapter thanks