The Nightmare Sets in
“And in other news, the barrier continued to expand another mile today…”
CLICK!
“Complete ponification of the entire city of Glasgow-”
CLICK!
“Examination of the land beyond the barrier proven impossible, every manmade drone has been eradicated-”
CLICK! Chariot cringed as Roxy put the television remote down, sitting back in the plushy blue couch of the estate’s living room, the fringe-haired woman sitting next to him whilst, Tori, Anna and Lori all laid on various chairs. Each of them glanced slowly at each other, a nervous expression on their faces, the Chariot blinking stupidly as he turned to Roxy’s darkened, solemn face.
“The…barrier. It’s transforming the Earth and it keeps advancing?” Why doesn’t this “Princess Celestia” turn it off or something?”
“She says she can’t and the only way us humans can survive is turning into a pony.” Roxy mumbled. “…a perfect pony.”
Shinedown had begun trotting into the room, holding aloft a tray of scones when he saw their expressions and the final channel they’d turned to, which was a documentary on how the ponification potions worked. He turned a pale, almost icy blue color, Chariot seeing his body tremble. Yet…something about his eyes seemed to give away a different emotion than his body was showing. The paleness didn’t seem to come from fear or horror but…pure, unadulterated rage.
“I’m…sorry you have to see such things.” He murmured as he put the tray down on the table in the center of the living room, beneath yet another beautiful golden chandelier that hung high above their heads, crystal shining brightly in every candle holder it had. Their host’s blue hair flopped down as he sighed, shaking his head back and forth as Chariot took one of the scones Shinedown offered and nibbled on the edge. “It makes me ashamed to be a pony. When I first learned of it, I wanted to try and stop it.” The Earth pony admitted to Chariot, removing the cloak from his body…
Chariot almost vomited. The Earth pony’s form had horrific scarring and burn marks all over his back, his tail almost burnt away completely.
“There’s a reason why only unicorns and alicorns do magic. When others attempt it through alternative methods, it…doesn’t end well. I couldn’t find a way to stop the barrier.”
“So you’re trying to atone for species guilt through individual action?” Chariot asked, Shinedown flinching. It hurt because it was true, and he gave a small, quiet little nod. “Look, I’m not going to hold what the barrier is doing against you. You’ve been nothing but nice to me.”
The Earth pony’s head rose back up and he smiled slightly, putting his cloak back on and giving Chariot a deep, respectful bow as Anna knelt down by him and began scratching the space behind his ears, making him murr. “OHHHH. Yessss. That’s the stuff.” He murred out as Roxy glowered at an image of Celestia on display on the television screen.
“Ugh. I almost miss Nightmare Moon and King Sombra when I think of what SHE’S done.” Shinedown said, not even the scratching making the scowl on his face go away. Chariot tilted his head to the side, confused.
“Nightmare…wait, who?”
“Both of them were ponies who did terrible, awful things back in Equestria. Kind of disprove the whole “Ponies are perfect” idea Celestia loves to espouse. And Sombra above all, he…” Shinedown cringed. “He had this ability to make people see things that weren’t real. Get inside their mind, a kind of…mesmerism. It was called the “Sanguine Condition”, an example of his willpower utterly dominating others and altering reality itself.”
“That sounds horrifying.” Lori admitted with a shudder. “What happened to him?”
“Celestia actually killed him when he tried to return. I suppose she didn’t like anybody reminding her of what she was doing…stripping people’s wills away.” Shinedown muttered balefully. “He needed a castle and crystals to do his work…all she needed was a potion.”
“She is SUCH a bitch. I hate it when “Der Fuhrer” does an interview and people actually swallow the tripe she feeds them.” She mumbled angrily, Tori getting an idea as she began to giggle. “What is it, lunchbox?” Roxy wanted to know, tilting her head slightly to the side, her brown eyes gazing intensely at the redhead.
“When der fuhrer says “We is the master race”, we heil!”
“PHBBTT!” Anna and Lori sticking their hands in their mouth in a fake salute as they gave raspberries, Roxy rolling her eyes slightly before she too joined in.
“Heil!”
“PHBBTT!”
“In der fuhrer’s face!”
“You’re awfully upbeat, aren’t you?” Chariot admitted to Tori. “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and you feel fine.”
“We’ve got good friends to look out for us.” She said as Anna scratched behind Shinedown’s ears again, making him stomp a hoof on the ground in quick, rapid succession.
“Ohhhhh yes, right there, right there, ohhh that’s the stuff…” He murmured.
Roxy “hmphed” before turning to Chariot, giving the dark-haired human a nod, brown eyes staring into deepest green. “It’s good to have another guy around, the place is a total clambake since Dan and Edward left.”
“Yes, they decided to take their chances and just left in the middle of the night. Along with my silverware.” Shinedown sighed quietly as he walked over to a nearby cupboard in the living room, opening it up, revealing only a single china plate left over. “In times of trouble, I suppose everyone becomes desperate and begins doing things they’d normally never do. Not that my own race doesn’t do that. My Changeling ancestors were all about “doing what they had to” to survive.” He chuckled wryly. “That worked out so well for them.”
“I can’t believe how goddamn hypocritical ponies are to talk about how unharmonious HUMANS are when they treat Changeling-blooded ponies like yourself so rotten just because of who your great grandfather had sex with.” Lori remarked, sticking out her tongue in disgust. “They got some freakin’ nerve.”
“Ah, you get used to it. Kind of have to. I’m going to be in my room, I’ve got an awful headache and I need to go lie down.” Shinedown remarked, the crack of thunder piercing through the air outside, storm clouds beginning to roll in as the Earth pony “hmmed”. “Looks like a storm’s coming. Best batten down the hatches, everyone should close all the windows and the doors in the estate.”
“Nose goes for the clock tower!” Tori cried out, putting a finger to her nose as Lori, Roxy and Anna all put a finger to their nose, Chariot realizing he had now been “volunteered” to go to the clock tower section of the estate to close its enormous windows and to fully lock up ITS doors. He sighed, shrugging slightly as he stood up, making for the doorway, another KRA-KRAK of lightning echoing outside before-
THWOOMP. All the lights went out. Shinedown groaned. “Phooey. The generator must have gone. I’ll go take care of it…” He said, trotting towards the exit himself as all the girls scattered, each of them making for a different part of Oneiro as the wind began to batter the mansion, thudding hard against its walls as if desperately trying to get inside…
…
…
…
…he couldn’t feel his arms. Why couldn’t he feel his arms? He struggled to get out from the table he’d been strapped to, hearing a faint dripping noise echoing through the dark expanse that surrounded him. He grunted and heaved, trying to get out but…
That damn dripping. What was it? Where was it coming from? It sounded close by.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
A light suddenly lit the room up and he glanced about, seeing he was in some kind of underground laboratory, odd instruments upon the walls with clamps meant to hold people up placed in strategic positions…
Blood red seals in strange language drawn upon the walls, right where any prisoner’s back would be. He suddenly realized he was tied to one such wall and finally, turning his head, he could see clearly his-
“OH MY GOD!” He screamed out, looking at his lack of arms. How in the…how?! How was it possible, how-
“Oh, you’re awake. I’m…very sorry you have to see that. But please understand, this is necessary for a true rebirth. Not the false life that you would expect.” A voice spoke up, comforting and soothing as a familiar face entered the laboratory from the entryway across the room, holding a torch up high. He placed it in on the wall, approaching the terrified prisoner and reaching out, touching the seal behind the frightened human. “I’m so close.”
“What have you done to my arms?!” The human screamed out. “Dear God, what have you done to my arms!”
“It isn’t just your arms, look, you have to understand…”
A sad sigh. “…would you like a mirror?” He inquired.
The human paled. He knew what that meant. “…what does my face look like?”
“Look, I know this is confusing. But you’re responding far better to the treatment than the others.”
“Others?”
Then he noticed something. Something that he hadn’t smelled before. Thick, like iron…foul, this ugly, pungent scent that wafted through the air from…a small crack in the wall across from his right. He peered towards it, eyes narrowing until he could faintly see beyond…
And he saw the many, many corpses lying within.
He began to scream.
…
…
…
…Lori sighed as she reached up on her tippy toes, arms stretching out and grabbing hold of the long window pane, slamming it shut as the wind howled outside. She glanced about the empty bathroom, sighing as he headed for the sink, trying to turn the knob. Phooey. The water was off too, and the entire house seemed to breathe all about her in an uncomfortable fashion as she looked about. It was if the entire thing was alive and she was trapped inside its stomach, the wind’s continuous blowing becoming a kind of thudding sensation like the beating of a heart.
The crystalline candle holders on the walls were the only source of light, and they hadn’t been relit. She took out a small box of matches from the bathroom cupboard, making her way past the mirror and the bath and lighting up the candle. With a quick flick, the match lit up, illuminating the room and casting shadows on the walls that crept and slunk about like rats scurrying around. She cringed, shaking her head back and forth, trying not to get put off by the appearance of the bathroom. The window was shut, she just had to lock it and-
A scream down the hall. Shinedown’s voice crying out in terror before being swiftly silenced. She glanced towards the doorway, eyes widening in surprise. What the hell?!
Then she heard something click.
“What in?”
The bathtub faucet had suddenly turned on. Lori stiffened, turning around, seeing the faucet was now freely pouring water that was rising higher and higher, dark, oily water that appeared diseased, a sense of horror beginning to swell up in her like a balloon waiting to pop. She raced for the door, grabbing hold of the knob and turning it-
Locked? How in the hell!? She’d just walked in two minutes ago, the damn thing was open and it sure as hell wasn’t-
SPLASH. As she stepped away from the door, she noticed the water was now openly spilling out onto the bathroom tiles, the candle beginning to hiss as it seemed to grow in size, steam rising from the dark water that kept pouring freely. Lori took a step back, eyes widening, the blonde girl gulping as a shape began to rise from the overflowing bathtub, holding up a potion in its hooves, piercing green eyes with a deep red pupil gazing deep into her soul.
“This will only hurt for a second.” The dark-furred unicorn cheerily remarked, King Sombra pouring the potion into the dark water around him, a sickening, disgusting mockery of a rainbow spreading from the water as it crept up her skin. She could feel it peeling away her flesh, muscles being torn and ligaments sizzling off, and she screamed in vain, struggling to get free as she continued to sink deeper…deeper, her eyes sloughing from their sockets to be replaced with false, glassy insults, her hands becoming hooves as she howled-
Chariot gasped, kicking down the door to the bathroom, glancing left and right. He was SURE he’d heard a scream inside but…
Darkness there.
And nothing more.
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5260873 i.imgur.com/rVWfpIp.jpg
5261476
Look, I like "King of the Hill" too, but I'm not really looking for stupid memes. I'm looking for actual feedback on how to write a better story. How honestly hard is it to say something like "I think you have too many ellipses in your story" or "I think you need to place more emphasis on scene description" or something like that?
This is an overused cliched story, write something original.
The cover art is shit. It looks like it was drawn on MSpaint. Get a new one.
The grammar and punctuation looks like it was written by a third grader. Get an editor and a proofreader.
The plot is full of awkward happenings and bullshit plotholes. Again, get an editor. And possibly some proofreaders.
There, actual feedback.
EDIT: if you want to actually get more technical, fix the underline in the description, it goes a bit too far.
5262435
One, I did the cover art myself. It's to show my dedication to the story. Two, okay, HOW are the grammar and punctuation not right? You don't give examples. And another thing: plot holes? What plot holes? I've explained where the house is, what the state of the Earth is, who the characters are except for Chariot, who's an apparent amnesiac so there's nothing yet to reveal about him, and begun to show that things are clearly not what they seem inside the house. Are you sure you're not mistaking "mysteries to be explained" for "plot holes"? Because not yet explaining what the villain is up to, how he's doing what he's doing isn't a plot hole, it's called "not revealing the twists yet". A good mystery or horror story is supposed to build up atmosphere and suspense whilst slowly but surely raising the terror, not just immediately plunge you into gore and the like, not immediately explain everything in the first few chapters.
And one more thing. "Overused"? It's a tribute to the slasher genre whilst also taking place in the TCB universe. There's not that many slasher stories taking place in the TCB fandom, so frankly I don't know what you're talking about. None of your points are really that well-developed beyond the whole cover thing, and again, I did that myself and I know I'm not the best artist, but I do pretty much all the covers for my stories myself and this is no different.
In fact, actually, if you haven't figured it out, the story has very heavy inspiration from a cult classic video game. You MIGHTA heard of it...Clock Tower? Which is itself a game adaptation of a slasher movie because the main character stands nochance against the one seeking her down unless she's smart, clever and fast on her feet. But even then the game didn't immediately just plunge you into the killing in the first five minutes. It built up to the reveal that something wasn't quite right. A good horror story needs to do that, and this is what I'm trying to do.
I appreciate your attempt to do actual criticism, but even so, not giving examples on what could be improved like "Instead of writing this, write this" doesn't help. It just doesn't.
5262435 Wow. Coulda put all of that a lot better. Look at you, acting like it's such a sin for this guy to asking for critique.
5262464 Just read both chapters. First off, that opening segment, while very nicely written, shouldn't all be in italics. Even if you come to a point where you're detailing something that happened in the past, or maybe a dream sequence, never make everything italics because it looks pretty off to most people.
I could actually name a bunch of reasons as to why this actually-decently-written story had gained so many downvotes:
It's a Conversion Bureau story. That fad ended quite some time ago, and by the end of it, most were sick of seeing them popping up everywhere.
The aforementioned italicized opening. Well-written, but with a stunted presentation thanks to people being picky.
The cover art. Your own work or not, it's unfourtunately a strong contributor to down votes.
The simple fact that it has humans/OCs in it, and the fact that it's a slasher horror. People tend to lean away from those types.
Some of these reasons are pretty petty, but they are no less fuel for downvotes. In my opinion your writing style could do with some work, but otherwise it's perfectly fine. In terms of general fanfic quality you're easily safely above the average. You definitely don't deserve the brainless insults you're received so far.
5262536
That's actually very helpful advice! Thank you. :D
5262542 *sigh* Your welcome
As much as I love this place, Fimfiction can be surprisingly brutal at times.
In my opinion you should go ahead and continue this story. It's not my kind of genre, but I am quite interested in your take on the lore of the Conversion Bureau verse, what with the apparent loss of something for those who are ponified.
5262464
Puncuation and grammar mistakes:
There's no need for quotations unless sarcasm, which is not present here.
Too much ellipsis. Stop.
No caps, please. And this can be worded a very more mature way:
No one repeats full words, only syllables.
These are just a few examples of why never to use bold for emphasizing things. That's italics's job. Use them, they are your friend.
Plotholes and bullshit things:
How do ponies know of Earth? Yes, there are tons of humans in Equestria, but humans wouldn't just tell right away, "Oh, I live in Earth. Hurr hurr hurr."
He's alive, but he's dead? What?
What a lousy way to end a chapter. There's no real cliffhanger, no real tension, just a verb.
2/10 in my opinion. This needs a lot of help, and I will be happy to assist in any way I can as an editor or proofreader.
Also, for the cover art, check this group out.
5262645
Okay, first thing's first: italics are primarily best used for more subtle suggestions, to indicate things outside the main plot, either dreams or the like, or even THOUGHTS. Bold makes things empathic, it means somebody is speaking with clearly great force. And in the TCB universe, there ARE no humans living in Equestria, Equestria moved TO Earth and is taking it over, the barrier from it expanding and converting Earth to Equestria. Not to mention the fact this has been going on for some years now AND their host Shinedown bought the estate of Oneiro several years back would be enough to infer that he knows about Earth culture, especially since he's said he knows Earth doesn't have many blue animals in it save for some birds and fish. That should be enough to hint that he's familiar with humans and their culture.
Still, I will attempt to cut back on the bold, and will remove the quotation marks. Other than that, I feel I've addressed your points quite sufficiently. Except in the whole cover art thing.
I can't afford to purchase cover art, I make minimum wage working a job at the mailroom in a hospital. Good cover art costs money and it takes away something from me. Maybe once in a WHILE I can afford such things, but other than that, its insulting to ask other people to give me art for a story when I take pride in being able to do it myself.
5262782
There is also cover arts called requests that are for free.
5262816
Again, I don't want to ask somebody for something they might never even finish in time, especially when I can do it myself. It's like asking your neighbor down the street if they could pick up something from the grocery store while you're out at the movies when you should probably just do it yourself.
5262926 fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/348/7/9/foe_fading_echos__vista_by_pochaingun-d6xzdym.jpg
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th05.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/354/a/2/echo__foe__fading_echos__by_pochaingun-d5onze2.jpg
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All artwork that was done for free by an artist, because he thought my story was well-written and could use some art to accompany it. Doing something in MS paint doesn't "show" dedication. In the cover art game, scoring goes like this:
Generic art/vector that is relevant to the fic: 0
Good quality art done specifically for the fic: +1
Poorly done artwork/Pony Creator/irrelevant to fic: -1
5263494
I didn't MAKE it in MS Paint. I made it in Photoshop.
5263581 Congrats, you managed to emulate MS paint in Photoshop.
5266622
You're not very nice, are you?