I take you now to the estate of Oneiro in Ajax, Utah, a clock tower with a dark reputation to the humans who live nearby. The estate is miles away from the expanding magical barrier that's covering the world and transforming it, and was bought by an odd stallion who has turned it into an orphanage. A newcomer to the town has no idea what he's getting into when he approaches the estate, thinking he can handle whatever monstrosities might lie inside, especially since he doesn't fear death, having been on the verge of it for days, starving and alone.
He's about to discover there are things far worse than dying.
WARNING: this story is both anti-TCB and has distinct slasher elements. If this upsets you, I apologize.
Chapters (4)
5258887
Well that's just maddeningly unhelpful.
5258887
You know what actually helps? Not putting up stupid YouTube videos and instead actually addressing what it is you feel I need to include in a story.
Because leaving stupid videos like that isn't being helpful, it doesn't improve a story, it doesn't make you look good, all it is? Is being an asshole.
5260873 i.imgur.com/rVWfpIp.jpg
5261476
Look, I like "King of the Hill" too, but I'm not really looking for stupid memes. I'm looking for actual feedback on how to write a better story. How honestly hard is it to say something like "I think you have too many ellipses in your story" or "I think you need to place more emphasis on scene description" or something like that?
This is an overused cliched story, write something original.
The cover art is shit. It looks like it was drawn on MSpaint. Get a new one.
The grammar and punctuation looks like it was written by a third grader. Get an editor and a proofreader.
The plot is full of awkward happenings and bullshit plotholes. Again, get an editor. And possibly some proofreaders.
There, actual feedback.
EDIT: if you want to actually get more technical, fix the underline in the description, it goes a bit too far.
5262435
One, I did the cover art myself. It's to show my dedication to the story. Two, okay, HOW are the grammar and punctuation not right? You don't give examples. And another thing: plot holes? What plot holes? I've explained where the house is, what the state of the Earth is, who the characters are except for Chariot, who's an apparent amnesiac so there's nothing yet to reveal about him, and begun to show that things are clearly not what they seem inside the house. Are you sure you're not mistaking "mysteries to be explained" for "plot holes"? Because not yet explaining what the villain is up to, how he's doing what he's doing isn't a plot hole, it's called "not revealing the twists yet". A good mystery or horror story is supposed to build up atmosphere and suspense whilst slowly but surely raising the terror, not just immediately plunge you into gore and the like, not immediately explain everything in the first few chapters.
And one more thing. "Overused"? It's a tribute to the slasher genre whilst also taking place in the TCB universe. There's not that many slasher stories taking place in the TCB fandom, so frankly I don't know what you're talking about. None of your points are really that well-developed beyond the whole cover thing, and again, I did that myself and I know I'm not the best artist, but I do pretty much all the covers for my stories myself and this is no different.
In fact, actually, if you haven't figured it out, the story has very heavy inspiration from a cult classic video game. You MIGHTA heard of it...Clock Tower? Which is itself a game adaptation of a slasher movie because the main character stands nochance against the one seeking her down unless she's smart, clever and fast on her feet. But even then the game didn't immediately just plunge you into the killing in the first five minutes. It built up to the reveal that something wasn't quite right. A good horror story needs to do that, and this is what I'm trying to do.
I appreciate your attempt to do actual criticism, but even so, not giving examples on what could be improved like "Instead of writing this, write this" doesn't help. It just doesn't.
5262435 Wow. Coulda put all of that a lot better. Look at you, acting like it's such a sin for this guy to asking for critique.
5262464 Just read both chapters. First off, that opening segment, while very nicely written, shouldn't all be in italics. Even if you come to a point where you're detailing something that happened in the past, or maybe a dream sequence, never make everything italics because it looks pretty off to most people.
I could actually name a bunch of reasons as to why this actually-decently-written story had gained so many downvotes:
It's a Conversion Bureau story. That fad ended quite some time ago, and by the end of it, most were sick of seeing them popping up everywhere.
The aforementioned italicized opening. Well-written, but with a stunted presentation thanks to people being picky.
The cover art. Your own work or not, it's unfourtunately a strong contributor to down votes.
The simple fact that it has humans/OCs in it, and the fact that it's a slasher horror. People tend to lean away from those types.
Some of these reasons are pretty petty, but they are no less fuel for downvotes. In my opinion your writing style could do with some work, but otherwise it's perfectly fine. In terms of general fanfic quality you're easily safely above the average. You definitely don't deserve the brainless insults you're received so far.
5262536
That's actually very helpful advice! Thank you. :D
5262542 *sigh* Your welcome
As much as I love this place, Fimfiction can be surprisingly brutal at times.
In my opinion you should go ahead and continue this story. It's not my kind of genre, but I am quite interested in your take on the lore of the Conversion Bureau verse, what with the apparent loss of something for those who are ponified.
5262464
Puncuation and grammar mistakes:
There's no need for quotations unless sarcasm, which is not present here.
Too much ellipsis. Stop.
No caps, please. And this can be worded a very more mature way:
No one repeats full words, only syllables.
These are just a few examples of why never to use bold for emphasizing things. That's italics's job. Use them, they are your friend.
Plotholes and bullshit things:
How do ponies know of Earth? Yes, there are tons of humans in Equestria, but humans wouldn't just tell right away, "Oh, I live in Earth. Hurr hurr hurr."
He's alive, but he's dead? What?
What a lousy way to end a chapter. There's no real cliffhanger, no real tension, just a verb.
2/10 in my opinion. This needs a lot of help, and I will be happy to assist in any way I can as an editor or proofreader.
Also, for the cover art, check this group out.
5262645
Okay, first thing's first: italics are primarily best used for more subtle suggestions, to indicate things outside the main plot, either dreams or the like, or even THOUGHTS. Bold makes things empathic, it means somebody is speaking with clearly great force. And in the TCB universe, there ARE no humans living in Equestria, Equestria moved TO Earth and is taking it over, the barrier from it expanding and converting Earth to Equestria. Not to mention the fact this has been going on for some years now AND their host Shinedown bought the estate of Oneiro several years back would be enough to infer that he knows about Earth culture, especially since he's said he knows Earth doesn't have many blue animals in it save for some birds and fish. That should be enough to hint that he's familiar with humans and their culture.
Still, I will attempt to cut back on the bold, and will remove the quotation marks. Other than that, I feel I've addressed your points quite sufficiently. Except in the whole cover art thing.
I can't afford to purchase cover art, I make minimum wage working a job at the mailroom in a hospital. Good cover art costs money and it takes away something from me. Maybe once in a WHILE I can afford such things, but other than that, its insulting to ask other people to give me art for a story when I take pride in being able to do it myself.
5262782
There is also cover arts called requests that are for free.
5262816
Again, I don't want to ask somebody for something they might never even finish in time, especially when I can do it myself. It's like asking your neighbor down the street if they could pick up something from the grocery store while you're out at the movies when you should probably just do it yourself.
5262926 fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/348/7/9/foe_fading_echos__vista_by_pochaingun-d6xzdym.jpg
th04.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/142/6/9/foe__fading_echos__azure_by_pochaingun-d666vuz.png
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/078/0/9/foe__fading_echos__trappers_by_pochaingun-d5ylfy7.jpg
th05.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/354/a/2/echo__foe__fading_echos__by_pochaingun-d5onze2.jpg
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/362/8/8/blaze_and_star__foe__fading_echos__by_pochaingun-d5phbmy.jpg
All artwork that was done for free by an artist, because he thought my story was well-written and could use some art to accompany it. Doing something in MS paint doesn't "show" dedication. In the cover art game, scoring goes like this:
Generic art/vector that is relevant to the fic: 0
Good quality art done specifically for the fic: +1
Poorly done artwork/Pony Creator/irrelevant to fic: -1
5263494
I didn't MAKE it in MS Paint. I made it in Photoshop.
5263581 Congrats, you managed to emulate MS paint in Photoshop.
5266622
You're not very nice, are you?
Like sticking one's reproductive organ or sensitive parts into an operating blender, just because you can does not mean you should. I would focus less on the liberally sprinkling ALLCAPS and other formatting over your story, and more on the actual writing, if I were you.
I'd focus on the positives, but they are depressingly few, if any. You've built atmosphere in the same way that driving an eighteen wheeler through a playground of children is subtle -- not really. The narrative is (literally, at times) all over the place, which doesn't help, and this is so not-pony it hurts. It looks like you just used TCB as an excuse to get this mediocre horror story onto a pony fanfiction site, completely disregarding everything that TCB is about.
Normally, I think the hate a fic with "TCB" in the title gets is unjustified thanks to the hatewagon that is the Anti Conversion Bureau crowd. However, in this case, I entirely agree -- It's not pony, it's not TCB, and it isn't even well written. And for that, you get my downvote.
5269316
All caps? Fine, I can cut down on that but in regards to your other points:
The entire point behind slasher genre that the horrors supposed to be fairly obvious and around every corner, and I created an atmosphere that tries to emphasize that. And don't tell me that stories never shift focus from one character to another in the middle of the story. That is ludicrous.
And the entire TCB is a horrific scenario. It's the end of the world, it's the destruction of Earth, the complete obliteration of body and soul by self righteous monsters who see no problem with them committing horrors yet judge us when we do the same. I've drilled down to the core of that. It is pure misanthropy and I am putting a bullet in it.