'That part with the diamond dogs was just annoying.'
Ah, can I ask you to elaborate on that? Were the characters annoying (slightly intended, since there is some intention to do violence to them in the next chapter)? Or was it that the writing itself was annoying? The way they talk is drawn from the show, but hearing something and reading it aren't equivalently frustrating, I find.
More simply: Should I tone the strange word choice and 'accent' down a bit?
Loved the ending, , that last line was so amusing because of how deadpan it is. Can't wait for the next part. Also kinda suprised Cadence umm...made out with sinister. Kinda curious to find out why she did that since it seemed like she initiated it, not him, but it sounded like she didn't even notice it happening, hope to find out soon.
Well, maybe a bit of (yay) and a bit of (too far!)
Also, I recently added this to the 'author advice' folder, and received some insightful comments from 'HoovesLikeJagger'. So I went back and changed a few things. Particularly, I'd intended to write 'third person limited' perspective - i.e.we sit on the shoulder of a particular character for a scene, and the 'narration' is primarily their thoughts and what they observe. But in a few places 'third person omniscient' slipped in, when we were seeing more than one character's thoughts in the same scene. Hopefully, that's clearer now, and makes more sense of the 'dialog/internal monolog of the narration'.
I'm learning all the time, and still trying to improve as an author.
PS: I wouldn't suggest anypony go back and re-read the story, however - it's straightforwardly unnecessary.
This story had an interesting idea but I was on the fence about it until this chapter. The character work for both Chrysalis and Sinisteed is excellent here, sympathetic and sinister simultaneously.
Sinisteed is awesome, Cadance is obviously a Changeling - she just doesn't know it yet. Chrysalis is hilariously deadpan. Emphasis on dead, which is what's going to happen to those dogs. Preferably involving a frying pan, to make deadpan into a pun of some sort.
Changeling's can be inanimate objects too? *eyes Skyrim disc warily*
Bah, should've gone as a talking gem. 'Carry me to Equestria or I will become a Garnet!'
Then feed on them until they are all dead. Ding, you can now defeat Celestia. (Or even better, imponynate [still sounds wrong to me] Somepony that Celestia loves....)
This story is great! Keep up the good work!
585723
Thank you so much (also, for being patient)!
JMH
Chrysalis nodded. She was going to kill them.
Yesssssss.
forgets how to love?NEVER FUCK WITH THE QUEENS FOOD SOURCE!
their gonna dieeeee
That last line was chillingly badass.
And poor Sinisteed, what the fuck are you doing.
That part with the diamond dogs was just annoying.
You better have Chrysalis kill those idiots at the beggining of the next chapter.
586354
'That part with the diamond dogs was just annoying.'
Ah, can I ask you to elaborate on that? Were the characters annoying (slightly intended, since there is some intention to do violence to them in the next chapter)? Or was it that the writing itself was annoying? The way they talk is drawn from the show, but hearing something and reading it aren't equivalently frustrating, I find.
More simply: Should I tone the strange word choice and 'accent' down a bit?
Yours,
JMH
585937 i had the same reaction. XD
Loved the ending, , that last line was so amusing because of how deadpan it is. Can't wait for the next part. Also kinda suprised Cadence umm...made out with sinister. Kinda curious to find out why she did that since it seemed like she initiated it, not him, but it sounded like she didn't even notice it happening, hope to find out soon.
587832
Well, maybe a bit of (yay) and a bit of (too far!)
Also, I recently added this to the 'author advice' folder, and received some insightful comments from 'HoovesLikeJagger'. So I went back and changed a few things. Particularly, I'd intended to write 'third person limited' perspective - i.e.we sit on the shoulder of a particular character for a scene, and the 'narration' is primarily their thoughts and what they observe. But in a few places 'third person omniscient' slipped in, when we were seeing more than one character's thoughts in the same scene. Hopefully, that's clearer now, and makes more sense of the 'dialog/internal monolog of the narration'.
I'm learning all the time, and still trying to improve as an author.
PS: I wouldn't suggest anypony go back and re-read the story, however - it's straightforwardly unnecessary.
Yours,
JMH
This story had an interesting idea but I was on the fence about it until this chapter. The character work for both Chrysalis and Sinisteed is excellent here, sympathetic and sinister simultaneously.
Sinisteed is awesome, Cadance is obviously a Changeling - she just doesn't know it yet.
Chrysalis is hilariously deadpan. Emphasis on dead, which is what's going to happen to those dogs. Preferably involving a frying pan, to make deadpan into a pun of some sort.
Changeling's can be inanimate objects too?
*eyes Skyrim disc warily*
Well it looks like the Diamond dogs learned from their previous mistakes, pitty their in for a world of hurt next chapter.
Bah, should've gone as a talking gem. 'Carry me to Equestria or I will become a Garnet!'
Then feed on them until they are all dead. Ding, you can now defeat Celestia. (Or even better, imponynate [still sounds wrong to me] Somepony that Celestia loves....)