A blacksmith to the Royal Army. A newly crowned Princess of Equestria. Both shy and have difficulty socializing. When one teaches the other how to fly, what feelings may arise?
5301301 He's never been a womanizer he's just been on the lookout for an actual relationship but was misguided about his judgments in the past. Now he's grown a bit wiser and knows why mares are suddenly into him. But he doesn't date any of these new mares, he just ignores because he knows they don't truly care about his feelings.
Sorry about the whole metal working process, I'm not fully accustomed to how it all works.
But either way I hope you enjoy the story. I don't try to be a great writer, just a decent one. And decent writers can often make mistakes.
Sorry, I originally intended the metal bit to be more information-heavy and less scrutinizing, but I guess that got lost in a few hours of distractions...
One thing I want you to know is that I'm not here to break you down with your flaws. I'm pretty sure the problem here is that I let myself get a little lazy on my end of the bargain. There's not really a sensible way to say this ( and I spent a while trying ), but I love the literary art. It blows me away how anyone can just take an idea - any idea - and turn it into an adventure. Funny, bad, silly, blow-by-blow action, it all can work with something. It's like we're all gods of our own mind, or some other deep shit that I can't quite fathom. Creating-an-entire-universe-with-the-stroke-of-a-pen levels of deep. ( That's always been a fun thought to munch on for me... ) And it is always fun and interesting to see what other people can come up with. So, if I pick at something, It's not because I hate it or anything like that. Well, except for the asterisk thing. That really chaps my ass. But that's not important. It's because I want to see what you can really do.
So, take it like a challenge. The rock is in the road. What will you do? And, more importantly, what did you learn doing it? Apply it. Try something new, something different, how did that work?
Catch my drift? I'm not looking for you to aspire to greatness, but to where you want to go.
5303144 Alesha is my girlfriend's OC, I'm simply writing the back story she made for her.
As for the whole having no one to teach her how to fly thing, I just needed to find a way to move the plot forward and this was the best I could come up with.
Going along, the beginning seems fine enough. Though, I have some concerns for the lack of dynamics going on around here. Perhaps it's just me, but every pony so far seemed to be within the same ballpark as far as moral alignment goes. Every character portrayed so far could be described in the same exact set of works. Contagiously happy, content, generous, caring, with a minor insecurity or two. If I had to guess what it was that people like the least about this story thus far, it wouldn't be the anthros, the OC's, or even Alesha's ascension story. It would be that, in the grand picture, these characters are all very bland. I could write a mile of my thoughts on what could help spice up the mix a little, but my reviews tend to be long enough as it is. If you'd like some ideas or just wanna spitball, don't hesitate to hit me up in a message. ;3
Alesha's worries and concerns about how other ponies are reacting towards her now feels a bit contrived and redundant. And it's painfully obvious that this is foreshadowing. I can practically see the overbearing jock/antagonist lurking right around the corner, waiting for his unluckily inconvenient moment to pounce before getting beaten down by Caster. Only to shout his unjust revenge. A bit dramatic, but you get my point. I would suggest a copious helping of subtlety here.
It feels very odd for Caster to be the one telling everypony to calm down with the formalities for the princess. That's really something she should be saying.
In here, you noted that the muscles used to control flight are in their back between the wings. I can see where you might get that impression, but the muscles would be very small there. Considering wing muscles need to be large and powerful enough to overcome both gravity and body weight, it makes the notion feel half-baked. I wouldn't ask you to do research into anatomy for this one, as flight is logically impossible for humans or anthros, and even ponies. But if you could think of a better placement for these muscles, it would make the statement roll off the mind better.
Hahah, peckish! I thought I was the only person who says that.
And now we're at the end. The flow is still present, and the chapter was admittingly heartwarming. But grammar is still an increasing problem. This time, there were even a few sentences that could use rewording. If you would like, I could help you with pre-reading for those annoying little hiccups.
5321945 Helping with pre-reading would be nice. Also, as for the emotions with Alesha's parents and whatnot, I'm simply just writing them as my girlfriend portrayed them.
I must confess. I'm a bit perplexed as to why such a story with both impeccable detail and pacing would so have the misfortune of having more dislikes than properly deserved. I for one, intend to keep my eye on this marvelous story as I continue my endless wandering for reading.
5357449 I think it's because it has anthro characters in it or something, I don't know. But either way thanks for the fave and the like, I'm glad that you enjoy it so much. If you can let others know about this story, particularly if they like anthro characters.
5358833 I'm afraid promotion wouldn't do any good. I've left the site from writing, and none of my followers read my blogs. I'll try, though. Not sure if they're into anthro. I guess it's worth a shot. Also, I must say I cannot wait until the next chapter comes out.
5360174 I just saw it, thanks man. Though I don't really care for my other story, I've lost interest in that one. So you don't need to advertise that other one.
5301301 He's never been a womanizer he's just been on the lookout for an actual relationship but was misguided about his judgments in the past. Now he's grown a bit wiser and knows why mares are suddenly into him. But he doesn't date any of these new mares, he just ignores because he knows they don't truly care about his feelings.
Sorry about the whole metal working process, I'm not fully accustomed to how it all works.
But either way I hope you enjoy the story. I don't try to be a great writer, just a decent one. And decent writers can often make mistakes.
5301921 Okay, that does make more sense.
Sorry, I originally intended the metal bit to be more information-heavy and less scrutinizing, but I guess that got lost in a few hours of distractions...
One thing I want you to know is that I'm not here to break you down with your flaws. I'm pretty sure the problem here is that I let myself get a little lazy on my end of the bargain. There's not really a sensible way to say this ( and I spent a while trying ), but I love the literary art. It blows me away how anyone can just take an idea - any idea - and turn it into an adventure. Funny, bad, silly, blow-by-blow action, it all can work with something. It's like we're all gods of our own mind, or some other deep shit that I can't quite fathom. Creating-an-entire-universe-with-the-stroke-of-a-pen levels of deep. ( That's always been a fun thought to munch on for me... ) And it is always fun and interesting to see what other people can come up with. So, if I pick at something, It's not because I hate it or anything like that. Well, except for the asterisk thing. That really chaps my ass. But that's not important. It's because I want to see what you can really do.
So, take it like a challenge. The rock is in the road. What will you do? And, more importantly, what did you learn doing it? Apply it. Try something new, something different, how did that work?
Catch my drift? I'm not looking for you to aspire to greatness, but to where you want to go.
5302994 I understand.
5303144 Alesha is my girlfriend's OC, I'm simply writing the back story she made for her.
As for the whole having no one to teach her how to fly thing, I just needed to find a way to move the plot forward and this was the best I could come up with.
Also I do use MS Word.
Okay, current chapter!
Going along, the beginning seems fine enough. Though, I have some concerns for the lack of dynamics going on around here. Perhaps it's just me, but every pony so far seemed to be within the same ballpark as far as moral alignment goes. Every character portrayed so far could be described in the same exact set of works. Contagiously happy, content, generous, caring, with a minor insecurity or two. If I had to guess what it was that people like the least about this story thus far, it wouldn't be the anthros, the OC's, or even Alesha's ascension story. It would be that, in the grand picture, these characters are all very bland. I could write a mile of my thoughts on what could help spice up the mix a little, but my reviews tend to be long enough as it is. If you'd like some ideas or just wanna spitball, don't hesitate to hit me up in a message. ;3
Alesha's worries and concerns about how other ponies are reacting towards her now feels a bit contrived and redundant. And it's painfully obvious that this is foreshadowing. I can practically see the overbearing jock/antagonist lurking right around the corner, waiting for his unluckily inconvenient moment to pounce before getting beaten down by Caster. Only to shout his unjust revenge. A bit dramatic, but you get my point. I would suggest a copious helping of subtlety here.
It feels very odd for Caster to be the one telling everypony to calm down with the formalities for the princess. That's really something she should be saying.
In here, you noted that the muscles used to control flight are in their back between the wings. I can see where you might get that impression, but the muscles would be very small there. Considering wing muscles need to be large and powerful enough to overcome both gravity and body weight, it makes the notion feel half-baked. I wouldn't ask you to do research into anatomy for this one, as flight is logically impossible for humans or anthros, and even ponies. But if you could think of a better placement for these muscles, it would make the statement roll off the mind better.
Hahah, peckish! I thought I was the only person who says that.
And now we're at the end. The flow is still present, and the chapter was admittingly heartwarming. But grammar is still an increasing problem. This time, there were even a few sentences that could use rewording. If you would like, I could help you with pre-reading for those annoying little hiccups.
5321945 Helping with pre-reading would be nice. Also, as for the emotions with Alesha's parents and whatnot, I'm simply just writing them as my girlfriend portrayed them.
5322166 Alright, just send me a link whenever, I've always got time.
That may be the case, but a couple of garnishes and reductions here and there would help out a lot. Variety is the spice of life.
5324490 I see, and thanks for adding this story to your favorites. It means a lot.
I must confess. I'm a bit perplexed as to why such a story with both impeccable detail and pacing would so have the misfortune of having more dislikes than properly deserved. I for one, intend to keep my eye on this marvelous story as I continue my endless wandering for reading.
5357449 I think it's because it has anthro characters in it or something, I don't know. But either way thanks for the fave and the like, I'm glad that you enjoy it so much. If you can let others know about this story, particularly if they like anthro characters.
5358833 I'm afraid promotion wouldn't do any good. I've left the site from writing, and none of my followers read my blogs. I'll try, though. Not sure if they're into anthro. I guess it's worth a shot. Also, I must say I cannot wait until the next chapter comes out.
5358833 Done and done
5359745 It should be out sometime next week. Also, what's done and done?
5360129 Blog post of recommending my followers read you story.
5360174 I just saw it, thanks man. Though I don't really care for my other story, I've lost interest in that one. So you don't need to advertise that other one.