A blacksmith to the Royal Army. A newly crowned Princess of Equestria. Both shy and have difficulty socializing. When one teaches the other how to fly, what feelings may arise?
The chapter was a bit boring. I mostly scrolled through it stopping here and there or until I got to the part with the Princess. I think that was mostly because I had forgotten about this story. I liked how you introduced the princess while bumbling around searching for her glasses. It basically made her a more approchable character and, despite being a princess, the fact that she cant see too good without her glasses puts her more on Casters level and breaks away the barriers between them that being a princess comes with. Instead of a Royalty and commoner relationship youve put them on equal ground. You know instead of having to contend with an awe inspiring authority like Celestia, Caster is pretty much dealing with an average girl who just happens to be a princess. Do you understand what im saying?
So far so good. The interactions are nice, and fancy Pants' talk was a neat touch. Though, it does feel kind of odd that some of the questions asked of Caster could be considered normal, but he seems to instantly take them to a more personal level. Adding in that they asked the question suggestively or with a knowing smirk might help that feel less forced.
Moving on, the scene where Alesha literally runs into Caster is amusing. Cheesy, but amusing. I'd like to know why she was out flying instead of remaining in attendance to her party though. But that's less of a problem and more of a curiosity.One problem I'm having though is Alesha's cutie mark. More specifically, the moral behind how she attained it. Using those pictures against her childhood antagonists really sounds like blackmail to me. That's fine and dandy, but I'd hardly say she refrained from stooping to their level to get them to leave her alone. It's rather underhanded, actually. If you want to keep the moral, I'd suggest giving that event a touch-up. But if you want to keep the event, I'd change the moral lesson. It's not that I think some kid would read it and then apply it. It's that it sounds pretty short-sighted.
Also, not to sound... well, like an asshole, but aren't cutie marks suppose to be of a talent? Wouldn't that story make her talent be blackmail? It would be nicer if she got her camera cutie mark by different means. Something much more surreal or positive in intent. Like maybe intrinsic nature shots. Which would tie into the nature spell classes she took. Just an idea, really, I'd rather see what you think. Or, moreover, what the OC's owner thinks. ;3
Here's another thing. As heart warming and fuzzy as Alesha's story on how she attained alicornship is, it is almost an exact duplicate of Twilight's own road to ascension. And she didn't really do anything extraordinary to earn her title as princess, it was practically given to her. There's a vague mention of a new magic Luna developed for her to learn, but that's about it. Unfortunately, I can't offer much advise on the matter. Only that it would really help if you made her trials to alicornship more original. Some great analyzers on Youtube such as Digibro and Bronycurious, to name a couple, have done a couple of videos that really questioned and dissected what a cutie mark is, how it's earned, and what exactly it takes to become an alicorn. If you need help finding those vids, let me know and I'll link them to you.
Aaaand, now I know why she was out there. Curiosity sated, lol. Does raise another curiosity though. She has a pegasus friend, but doesn't know who to turn to for flight lessons? There's also Luna, Celestia, Twilight... maybe Twilight. Definitely Luna, though. I mean, I can kinda understand a busy schedule and all, but I would imagine that Luna would be gaining quite a bit of free time now that she no longer has a student to teach. And doesn't Caster work ten hours a day? There's the two-hour break and all, but that is a relatively small window of time... I dunno, maybe I'm assuming too much. Considering it's a plot device to initially get Alesha together with Caster, I'll let this one slide for now.
Everything from there is all pretty good. The dialogue all worked, and everything pretty much flowed. though, there were more grammatical hiccups in this chapter compared to the last. If you have access to it, Microsoft Word has both spelling and grammar check, which would help out a lot with that. Fair warning though, MS Word is very trigger-happy about labeling sentence fragments.
I hope this review is better met. I tried a different style to help keep things fresher in my mind and focus more. Also changed up my approach.
Nice to finally see an update. Keep em coming.
5164469 I will, what'd you think of this chapter?
The chapter was a bit boring. I mostly scrolled through it stopping here and there or until I got to the part with the Princess. I think that was mostly because I had forgotten about this story. I liked how you introduced the princess while bumbling around searching for her glasses. It basically made her a more approchable character and, despite being a princess, the fact that she cant see too good without her glasses puts her more on Casters level and breaks away the barriers between them that being a princess comes with. Instead of a Royalty and commoner relationship youve put them on equal ground. You know instead of having to contend with an awe inspiring authority like Celestia, Caster is pretty much dealing with an average girl who just happens to be a princess. Do you understand what im saying?
5165036 I believe so. Despite their positions they are both just ponies and should not have to treat each other differently.
Okay, lets try doing this as I'm moving along :3
So far so good. The interactions are nice, and fancy Pants' talk was a neat touch. Though, it does feel kind of odd that some of the questions asked of Caster could be considered normal, but he seems to instantly take them to a more personal level. Adding in that they asked the question suggestively or with a knowing smirk might help that feel less forced.
Moving on, the scene where Alesha literally runs into Caster is amusing. Cheesy, but amusing. I'd like to know why she was out flying instead of remaining in attendance to her party though. But that's less of a problem and more of a curiosity.One problem I'm having though is Alesha's cutie mark. More specifically, the moral behind how she attained it. Using those pictures against her childhood antagonists really sounds like blackmail to me. That's fine and dandy, but I'd hardly say she refrained from stooping to their level to get them to leave her alone. It's rather underhanded, actually. If you want to keep the moral, I'd suggest giving that event a touch-up. But if you want to keep the event, I'd change the moral lesson. It's not that I think some kid would read it and then apply it. It's that it sounds pretty short-sighted.
Also, not to sound... well, like an asshole, but aren't cutie marks suppose to be of a talent? Wouldn't that story make her talent be blackmail? It would be nicer if she got her camera cutie mark by different means. Something much more surreal or positive in intent. Like maybe intrinsic nature shots. Which would tie into the nature spell classes she took. Just an idea, really, I'd rather see what you think. Or, moreover, what the OC's owner thinks. ;3
Here's another thing. As heart warming and fuzzy as Alesha's story on how she attained alicornship is, it is almost an exact duplicate of Twilight's own road to ascension. And she didn't really do anything extraordinary to earn her title as princess, it was practically given to her. There's a vague mention of a new magic Luna developed for her to learn, but that's about it. Unfortunately, I can't offer much advise on the matter. Only that it would really help if you made her trials to alicornship more original. Some great analyzers on Youtube such as Digibro and Bronycurious, to name a couple, have done a couple of videos that really questioned and dissected what a cutie mark is, how it's earned, and what exactly it takes to become an alicorn. If you need help finding those vids, let me know and I'll link them to you.
Aaaand, now I know why she was out there. Curiosity sated, lol. Does raise another curiosity though. She has a pegasus friend, but doesn't know who to turn to for flight lessons? There's also Luna, Celestia, Twilight... maybe Twilight. Definitely Luna, though. I mean, I can kinda understand a busy schedule and all, but I would imagine that Luna would be gaining quite a bit of free time now that she no longer has a student to teach. And doesn't Caster work ten hours a day? There's the two-hour break and all, but that is a relatively small window of time... I dunno, maybe I'm assuming too much. Considering it's a plot device to initially get Alesha together with Caster, I'll let this one slide for now.
Everything from there is all pretty good. The dialogue all worked, and everything pretty much flowed. though, there were more grammatical hiccups in this chapter compared to the last. If you have access to it, Microsoft Word has both spelling and grammar check, which would help out a lot with that. Fair warning though, MS Word is very trigger-happy about labeling sentence fragments.
I hope this review is better met. I tried a different style to help keep things fresher in my mind and focus more. Also changed up my approach.