A blacksmith to the Royal Army. A newly crowned Princess of Equestria. Both shy and have difficulty socializing. When one teaches the other how to fly, what feelings may arise?
5048106 Thanks, I'm glad to hear such critique from someone. Next chapter we will meet the new Princess. While it may be a bit rushed getting to the part where they meet, I assure you there will be plenty of conversational dialogue between the two. I just finished the topic script only a few minutes ago after all.
Definitely better than your previous work. Lets see what all I can do here.
Grammar was still a small problem. Smaller than before, but still present. However, you did one thing that really curled my blood.
“That’s great Mom. *yawn* But would it be all right if I took my dinner upstairs with me?” the tired out pony asked. “I want to put the last few touches on my project before I turn in.”
“That’s great Mom. *yawn* But would it be all right if I took my dinner upstairs with me?”
*yawn*
This is simply unforgivable. Thus far, you have exercised great talent in descriptive writing. Why in the world would you use something as lazy and unrefined as an asterisked action? In the literary word, using asterisks to identify an action is the social equivalent of shitting in the street. I realize that it's pretentious of me to say, and maybe I'm the only one bothered by it, but it is just ungodly levels of ugly and disrupting.
You did a better job at including a hook in the first chapter to make the viewer continue on to the next chapter, but it's also very small and subtle. I'm not made to ask any questions at all because of all the exposition that the hooks are bathing in. Mostly, I'm wondering how exactly Caster is going to interact with this new princess. What I really should be asking is who is he going to meet? Why does Celestia think it would be interesting? How is such a small, social event going to alter Caster's life? The problem here is a lot of the questions that do come up are almost immediately given an answer. He's going to meet the new princess, Alesha Zee, and quite personally considering he's crafting such an elegant gift for her. Celestia thinks it would be interesting because she knows that Caster will find a kindred spirit in the alicorn. And it will alter his life because he's going to help her become accustomed to having wings and fall in love with her.
I'm a little confused as to when exactly Caster acquired his Lucky Mark and other things relating to his past. I'm made to understand that they were things he got as a little kid. Five or seven if I'm not mistaken. And he has a thing for the ladies, but he was never loved by them. I can understand this. But then it's said that they started to covet his social status when he won fame after getting his Lucky Mark. But he refused them because he knew they just wanted him for his magical power to boost their social rating. He's a live-in-the-moment kind of guys and loves a little bit of thrill, but is completely disinterested at how the prospects of his standing will affect the future of others as well as himself on a materialistic level. Do you see what I'm getting at here? He's displaying traits of an individual who is materialistic while simultaneously giving off spiritualistic values on the exact same things. You're basically saying that he's a womanizer, but only for ladies who can respect and understand him. How is he suppose to know this without committing to a relationship for some length of time? Additionally, how is he a womanizer at all if he has such a hard time interacting with new people? All these details really make his personality, morals, and mindset clash.
Another problem I'm seeing is that your knowledge of metals and their traits are lacking. In this passage, a guard mare put in a request for a standard issue sword, but needed it to be lighter, and therefore faster. Her lack of knowledge can be forgiven, as she is not a blacksmith and obviously not a master of the sword. However, Caster takes the same material, shapes and hones it in the same way, and it is magically lighter? That doesn't make sense, even by pony-verse standards. Doing the same exact thing does not yield different results. He would have had to either make the sword narrower, thinner, or shorter. Or in some way changed the design of the sword to require less material. Either route you take, the sword would not be standard issue. Just as well, trimming and plating of anything on a weapon was traditionally done for ceremonial purposes only - and normally reserved for the royal and wealthy if I might add. ( Also, trimming and plating are done with decorative metals. Jewels are encrusted. ) Otherwise, one would use more combat-durable materials to 'beautify' a weapon, such as copper, brass, bronze, and their alloys. But even then, compared to steel, these metals were not considered combat-efficient, not to mention they also add more weight compared to their steel counterparts. Additionally, leather or other durable fabrics were used on handles in combination with a wood base so that use of the weapon would not wear out the user's hand. It's not explicitly said here, but considering the hilt was plated, trimmed, and even welded makes me believe it was made of metal, which is not easy on the hands at all in a fight. That's another thing. Swords are never welded. That damages the tempering of the steel, which dramatically decreases its life in combat. The pieces of the hilt that make the guard and pommel are pressure-fit onto the tang, with a peen lock to permanently affix them into place. Lastly, tempered steel does not chip that easily. A sword would cut a groove into regular steel before it will ever chip. That is, unless the concentration of carbon in the sword is too high. Then it would chip, crack, break, and be utterly useless in combat as it would essentially be cast iron, which will shatter under stress. That's just for the sword. The armor is a different story. Armor isn't bolted together. Armor is held together by rivets and leather. And the smith would usually leave his signature, if any, someplace inconspicuous. Such as on the inside of the collar or back. Embedding and brandishing his mark on the pauldron or spaulder would make it seem like they're the royal guards of Caster Forge. And his reasoning for doing so is blatantly redundant. If he's the only royal blacksmith and solely responsible for the maintenance and repair of armor for the royal guard, why would he have to remind them of that? I could maybe understand if it was a form of advertisement, but that's not sensible either because he's still the only one in the business of Royal Blacksmith. ( Sorry for the rant, metal-working is something of a passion for me )
Moving on to better things, the dialogue and interaction was pretty good. Nothing felt too forced or cheesy, and everything flowed together well. Having a character with narcolepsy is certainly something different, and does add a touch of comedic value in its use here. As well, the descriptive details really help to build the immediate world around Caster.
That's mostly all I have for right now. There are other small things, but not terribly concerning.
I like it. Your writing style and plot development as well your ability to take time to tell the story instead of rushing held my interest.
5048106 Thanks, I'm glad to hear such critique from someone. Next chapter we will meet the new Princess. While it may be a bit rushed getting to the part where they meet, I assure you there will be plenty of conversational dialogue between the two. I just finished the topic script only a few minutes ago after all.
Definitely better than your previous work. Lets see what all I can do here.
Grammar was still a small problem. Smaller than before, but still present. However, you did one thing that really curled my blood.
This is simply unforgivable. Thus far, you have exercised great talent in descriptive writing. Why in the world would you use something as lazy and unrefined as an asterisked action? In the literary word, using asterisks to identify an action is the social equivalent of shitting in the street. I realize that it's pretentious of me to say, and maybe I'm the only one bothered by it, but it is just ungodly levels of ugly and disrupting.
You did a better job at including a hook in the first chapter to make the viewer continue on to the next chapter, but it's also very small and subtle. I'm not made to ask any questions at all because of all the exposition that the hooks are bathing in. Mostly, I'm wondering how exactly Caster is going to interact with this new princess. What I really should be asking is who is he going to meet? Why does Celestia think it would be interesting? How is such a small, social event going to alter Caster's life? The problem here is a lot of the questions that do come up are almost immediately given an answer. He's going to meet the new princess, Alesha Zee, and quite personally considering he's crafting such an elegant gift for her. Celestia thinks it would be interesting because she knows that Caster will find a kindred spirit in the alicorn. And it will alter his life because he's going to help her become accustomed to having wings and fall in love with her.
I'm a little confused as to when exactly Caster acquired his Lucky Mark and other things relating to his past. I'm made to understand that they were things he got as a little kid. Five or seven if I'm not mistaken. And he has a thing for the ladies, but he was never loved by them. I can understand this. But then it's said that they started to covet his social status when he won fame after getting his Lucky Mark. But he refused them because he knew they just wanted him for his magical power to boost their social rating. He's a live-in-the-moment kind of guys and loves a little bit of thrill, but is completely disinterested at how the prospects of his standing will affect the future of others as well as himself on a materialistic level. Do you see what I'm getting at here? He's displaying traits of an individual who is materialistic while simultaneously giving off spiritualistic values on the exact same things. You're basically saying that he's a womanizer, but only for ladies who can respect and understand him. How is he suppose to know this without committing to a relationship for some length of time? Additionally, how is he a womanizer at all if he has such a hard time interacting with new people? All these details really make his personality, morals, and mindset clash.
Another problem I'm seeing is that your knowledge of metals and their traits are lacking. In this passage, a guard mare put in a request for a standard issue sword, but needed it to be lighter, and therefore faster. Her lack of knowledge can be forgiven, as she is not a blacksmith and obviously not a master of the sword. However, Caster takes the same material, shapes and hones it in the same way, and it is magically lighter? That doesn't make sense, even by pony-verse standards. Doing the same exact thing does not yield different results. He would have had to either make the sword narrower, thinner, or shorter. Or in some way changed the design of the sword to require less material. Either route you take, the sword would not be standard issue. Just as well, trimming and plating of anything on a weapon was traditionally done for ceremonial purposes only - and normally reserved for the royal and wealthy if I might add. ( Also, trimming and plating are done with decorative metals. Jewels are encrusted. ) Otherwise, one would use more combat-durable materials to 'beautify' a weapon, such as copper, brass, bronze, and their alloys. But even then, compared to steel, these metals were not considered combat-efficient, not to mention they also add more weight compared to their steel counterparts. Additionally, leather or other durable fabrics were used on handles in combination with a wood base so that use of the weapon would not wear out the user's hand. It's not explicitly said here, but considering the hilt was plated, trimmed, and even welded makes me believe it was made of metal, which is not easy on the hands at all in a fight. That's another thing. Swords are never welded. That damages the tempering of the steel, which dramatically decreases its life in combat. The pieces of the hilt that make the guard and pommel are pressure-fit onto the tang, with a peen lock to permanently affix them into place. Lastly, tempered steel does not chip that easily. A sword would cut a groove into regular steel before it will ever chip. That is, unless the concentration of carbon in the sword is too high. Then it would chip, crack, break, and be utterly useless in combat as it would essentially be cast iron, which will shatter under stress. That's just for the sword. The armor is a different story. Armor isn't bolted together. Armor is held together by rivets and leather. And the smith would usually leave his signature, if any, someplace inconspicuous. Such as on the inside of the collar or back. Embedding and brandishing his mark on the pauldron or spaulder would make it seem like they're the royal guards of Caster Forge. And his reasoning for doing so is blatantly redundant. If he's the only royal blacksmith and solely responsible for the maintenance and repair of armor for the royal guard, why would he have to remind them of that? I could maybe understand if it was a form of advertisement, but that's not sensible either because he's still the only one in the business of Royal Blacksmith. ( Sorry for the rant, metal-working is something of a passion for me )
Moving on to better things, the dialogue and interaction was pretty good. Nothing felt too forced or cheesy, and everything flowed together well. Having a character with narcolepsy is certainly something different, and does add a touch of comedic value in its use here. As well, the descriptive details really help to build the immediate world around Caster.
That's mostly all I have for right now. There are other small things, but not terribly concerning.