Dawnrex15
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I like it. Your writing style and plot development as well your ability to take time to tell the story instead of rushing held my interest.
5048106 Thanks, I'm glad to hear such critique from someone. Next chapter we will meet the new Princess. While it may be a bit rushed getting to the part where they meet, I assure you there will be plenty of conversational dialogue between the two. I just finished the topic script only a few minutes ago after all.
Nice to finally see an update. Keep em coming.
5164469 I will, what'd you think of this chapter?
The chapter was a bit boring. I mostly scrolled through it stopping here and there or until I got to the part with the Princess. I think that was mostly because I had forgotten about this story. I liked how you introduced the princess while bumbling around searching for her glasses. It basically made her a more approchable character and, despite being a princess, the fact that she cant see too good without her glasses puts her more on Casters level and breaks away the barriers between them that being a princess comes with. Instead of a Royalty and commoner relationship youve put them on equal ground. You know instead of having to contend with an awe inspiring authority like Celestia, Caster is pretty much dealing with an average girl who just happens to be a princess. Do you understand what im saying?
5165036 I believe so. Despite their positions they are both just ponies and should not have to treat each other differently.
Definitely better than your previous work. Lets see what all I can do here.
Grammar was still a small problem. Smaller than before, but still present. However, you did one thing that really curled my blood.
This is simply unforgivable. Thus far, you have exercised great talent in descriptive writing. Why in the world would you use something as lazy and unrefined as an asterisked action? In the literary word, using asterisks to identify an action is the social equivalent of shitting in the street. I realize that it's pretentious of me to say, and maybe I'm the only one bothered by it, but it is just ungodly levels of ugly and disrupting.
You did a better job at including a hook in the first chapter to make the viewer continue on to the next chapter, but it's also very small and subtle. I'm not made to ask any questions at all because of all the exposition that the hooks are bathing in. Mostly, I'm wondering how exactly Caster is going to interact with this new princess. What I really should be asking is who is he going to meet? Why does Celestia think it would be interesting? How is such a small, social event going to alter Caster's life? The problem here is a lot of the questions that do come up are almost immediately given an answer. He's going to meet the new princess, Alesha Zee, and quite personally considering he's crafting such an elegant gift for her. Celestia thinks it would be interesting because she knows that Caster will find a kindred spirit in the alicorn. And it will alter his life because he's going to help her become accustomed to having wings and fall in love with her.
I'm a little confused as to when exactly Caster acquired his Lucky Mark and other things relating to his past. I'm made to understand that they were things he got as a little kid. Five or seven if I'm not mistaken. And he has a thing for the ladies, but he was never loved by them. I can understand this. But then it's said that they started to covet his social status when he won fame after getting his Lucky Mark. But he refused them because he knew they just wanted him for his magical power to boost their social rating. He's a live-in-the-moment kind of guys and loves a little bit of thrill, but is completely disinterested at how the prospects of his standing will affect the future of others as well as himself on a materialistic level. Do you see what I'm getting at here? He's displaying traits of an individual who is materialistic while simultaneously giving off spiritualistic values on the exact same things. You're basically saying that he's a womanizer, but only for ladies who can respect and understand him. How is he suppose to know this without committing to a relationship for some length of time? Additionally, how is he a womanizer at all if he has such a hard time interacting with new people? All these details really make his personality, morals, and mindset clash.
Another problem I'm seeing is that your knowledge of metals and their traits are lacking. In this passage, a guard mare put in a request for a standard issue sword, but needed it to be lighter, and therefore faster. Her lack of knowledge can be forgiven, as she is not a blacksmith and obviously not a master of the sword. However, Caster takes the same material, shapes and hones it in the same way, and it is magically lighter? That doesn't make sense, even by pony-verse standards. Doing the same exact thing does not yield different results. He would have had to either make the sword narrower, thinner, or shorter. Or in some way changed the design of the sword to require less material. Either route you take, the sword would not be standard issue. Just as well, trimming and plating of anything on a weapon was traditionally done for ceremonial purposes only - and normally reserved for the royal and wealthy if I might add. ( Also, trimming and plating are done with decorative metals. Jewels are encrusted. ) Otherwise, one would use more combat-durable materials to 'beautify' a weapon, such as copper, brass, bronze, and their alloys. But even then, compared to steel, these metals were not considered combat-efficient, not to mention they also add more weight compared to their steel counterparts. Additionally, leather or other durable fabrics were used on handles in combination with a wood base so that use of the weapon would not wear out the user's hand. It's not explicitly said here, but considering the hilt was plated, trimmed, and even welded makes me believe it was made of metal, which is not easy on the hands at all in a fight. That's another thing. Swords are never welded. That damages the tempering of the steel, which dramatically decreases its life in combat. The pieces of the hilt that make the guard and pommel are pressure-fit onto the tang, with a peen lock to permanently affix them into place. Lastly, tempered steel does not chip that easily. A sword would cut a groove into regular steel before it will ever chip. That is, unless the concentration of carbon in the sword is too high. Then it would chip, crack, break, and be utterly useless in combat as it would essentially be cast iron, which will shatter under stress. That's just for the sword. The armor is a different story. Armor isn't bolted together. Armor is held together by rivets and leather. And the smith would usually leave his signature, if any, someplace inconspicuous. Such as on the inside of the collar or back. Embedding and brandishing his mark on the pauldron or spaulder would make it seem like they're the royal guards of Caster Forge. And his reasoning for doing so is blatantly redundant. If he's the only royal blacksmith and solely responsible for the maintenance and repair of armor for the royal guard, why would he have to remind them of that? I could maybe understand if it was a form of advertisement, but that's not sensible either because he's still the only one in the business of Royal Blacksmith. ( Sorry for the rant, metal-working is something of a passion for me )
Moving on to better things, the dialogue and interaction was pretty good. Nothing felt too forced or cheesy, and everything flowed together well. Having a character with narcolepsy is certainly something different, and does add a touch of comedic value in its use here. As well, the descriptive details really help to build the immediate world around Caster.
That's mostly all I have for right now. There are other small things, but not terribly concerning.
5301301 He's never been a womanizer he's just been on the lookout for an actual relationship but was misguided about his judgments in the past. Now he's grown a bit wiser and knows why mares are suddenly into him. But he doesn't date any of these new mares, he just ignores because he knows they don't truly care about his feelings.
Sorry about the whole metal working process, I'm not fully accustomed to how it all works.
But either way I hope you enjoy the story. I don't try to be a great writer, just a decent one. And decent writers can often make mistakes.
5301921 Okay, that does make more sense.
Sorry, I originally intended the metal bit to be more information-heavy and less scrutinizing, but I guess that got lost in a few hours of distractions...
One thing I want you to know is that I'm not here to break you down with your flaws. I'm pretty sure the problem here is that I let myself get a little lazy on my end of the bargain. There's not really a sensible way to say this ( and I spent a while trying ), but I love the literary art. It blows me away how anyone can just take an idea - any idea - and turn it into an adventure. Funny, bad, silly, blow-by-blow action, it all can work with something. It's like we're all gods of our own mind, or some other deep shit that I can't quite fathom. Creating-an-entire-universe-with-the-stroke-of-a-pen levels of deep. ( That's always been a fun thought to munch on for me... ) And it is always fun and interesting to see what other people can come up with. So, if I pick at something, It's not because I hate it or anything like that. Well, except for the asterisk thing. That really chaps my ass. But that's not important. It's because I want to see what you can really do.
So, take it like a challenge. The rock is in the road. What will you do? And, more importantly, what did you learn doing it? Apply it. Try something new, something different, how did that work?
Catch my drift? I'm not looking for you to aspire to greatness, but to where you want to go.
Okay, lets try doing this as I'm moving along :3
So far so good. The interactions are nice, and fancy Pants' talk was a neat touch. Though, it does feel kind of odd that some of the questions asked of Caster could be considered normal, but he seems to instantly take them to a more personal level. Adding in that they asked the question suggestively or with a knowing smirk might help that feel less forced.
Moving on, the scene where Alesha literally runs into Caster is amusing. Cheesy, but amusing. I'd like to know why she was out flying instead of remaining in attendance to her party though. But that's less of a problem and more of a curiosity.One problem I'm having though is Alesha's cutie mark. More specifically, the moral behind how she attained it. Using those pictures against her childhood antagonists really sounds like blackmail to me. That's fine and dandy, but I'd hardly say she refrained from stooping to their level to get them to leave her alone. It's rather underhanded, actually. If you want to keep the moral, I'd suggest giving that event a touch-up. But if you want to keep the event, I'd change the moral lesson. It's not that I think some kid would read it and then apply it. It's that it sounds pretty short-sighted.
Also, not to sound... well, like an asshole, but aren't cutie marks suppose to be of a talent? Wouldn't that story make her talent be blackmail? It would be nicer if she got her camera cutie mark by different means. Something much more surreal or positive in intent. Like maybe intrinsic nature shots. Which would tie into the nature spell classes she took. Just an idea, really, I'd rather see what you think. Or, moreover, what the OC's owner thinks. ;3
Here's another thing. As heart warming and fuzzy as Alesha's story on how she attained alicornship is, it is almost an exact duplicate of Twilight's own road to ascension. And she didn't really do anything extraordinary to earn her title as princess, it was practically given to her. There's a vague mention of a new magic Luna developed for her to learn, but that's about it. Unfortunately, I can't offer much advise on the matter. Only that it would really help if you made her trials to alicornship more original. Some great analyzers on Youtube such as Digibro and Bronycurious, to name a couple, have done a couple of videos that really questioned and dissected what a cutie mark is, how it's earned, and what exactly it takes to become an alicorn. If you need help finding those vids, let me know and I'll link them to you.
Aaaand, now I know why she was out there. Curiosity sated, lol. Does raise another curiosity though. She has a pegasus friend, but doesn't know who to turn to for flight lessons? There's also Luna, Celestia, Twilight... maybe Twilight. Definitely Luna, though. I mean, I can kinda understand a busy schedule and all, but I would imagine that Luna would be gaining quite a bit of free time now that she no longer has a student to teach. And doesn't Caster work ten hours a day? There's the two-hour break and all, but that is a relatively small window of time... I dunno, maybe I'm assuming too much. Considering it's a plot device to initially get Alesha together with Caster, I'll let this one slide for now.
Everything from there is all pretty good. The dialogue all worked, and everything pretty much flowed. though, there were more grammatical hiccups in this chapter compared to the last. If you have access to it, Microsoft Word has both spelling and grammar check, which would help out a lot with that. Fair warning though, MS Word is very trigger-happy about labeling sentence fragments.
I hope this review is better met. I tried a different style to help keep things fresher in my mind and focus more. Also changed up my approach.
5302994 I understand.
5303144 Alesha is my girlfriend's OC, I'm simply writing the back story she made for her.
As for the whole having no one to teach her how to fly thing, I just needed to find a way to move the plot forward and this was the best I could come up with.
Also I do use MS Word.
Okay, current chapter!
Going along, the beginning seems fine enough. Though, I have some concerns for the lack of dynamics going on around here. Perhaps it's just me, but every pony so far seemed to be within the same ballpark as far as moral alignment goes. Every character portrayed so far could be described in the same exact set of works. Contagiously happy, content, generous, caring, with a minor insecurity or two. If I had to guess what it was that people like the least about this story thus far, it wouldn't be the anthros, the OC's, or even Alesha's ascension story. It would be that, in the grand picture, these characters are all very bland. I could write a mile of my thoughts on what could help spice up the mix a little, but my reviews tend to be long enough as it is. If you'd like some ideas or just wanna spitball, don't hesitate to hit me up in a message. ;3
Alesha's worries and concerns about how other ponies are reacting towards her now feels a bit contrived and redundant. And it's painfully obvious that this is foreshadowing. I can practically see the overbearing jock/antagonist lurking right around the corner, waiting for his unluckily inconvenient moment to pounce before getting beaten down by Caster. Only to shout his unjust revenge. A bit dramatic, but you get my point. I would suggest a copious helping of subtlety here.
It feels very odd for Caster to be the one telling everypony to calm down with the formalities for the princess. That's really something she should be saying.
In here, you noted that the muscles used to control flight are in their back between the wings. I can see where you might get that impression, but the muscles would be very small there. Considering wing muscles need to be large and powerful enough to overcome both gravity and body weight, it makes the notion feel half-baked. I wouldn't ask you to do research into anatomy for this one, as flight is logically impossible for humans or anthros, and even ponies. But if you could think of a better placement for these muscles, it would make the statement roll off the mind better.
Hahah, peckish! I thought I was the only person who says that.
And now we're at the end. The flow is still present, and the chapter was admittingly heartwarming. But grammar is still an increasing problem. This time, there were even a few sentences that could use rewording. If you would like, I could help you with pre-reading for those annoying little hiccups.
5321945 Helping with pre-reading would be nice. Also, as for the emotions with Alesha's parents and whatnot, I'm simply just writing them as my girlfriend portrayed them.
5322166 Alright, just send me a link whenever, I've always got time.
That may be the case, but a couple of garnishes and reductions here and there would help out a lot. Variety is the spice of life.
5324490 I see, and thanks for adding this story to your favorites. It means a lot.
I must confess. I'm a bit perplexed as to why such a story with both impeccable detail and pacing would so have the misfortune of having more dislikes than properly deserved. I for one, intend to keep my eye on this marvelous story as I continue my endless wandering for reading.
5357449 I think it's because it has anthro characters in it or something, I don't know. But either way thanks for the fave and the like, I'm glad that you enjoy it so much. If you can let others know about this story, particularly if they like anthro characters.
5358833 I'm afraid promotion wouldn't do any good. I've left the site from writing, and none of my followers read my blogs. I'll try, though. Not sure if they're into anthro. I guess it's worth a shot. Also, I must say I cannot wait until the next chapter comes out.
5358833 Done and done
5359745 It should be out sometime next week. Also, what's done and done?
5360129 Blog post of recommending my followers read you story.
5360174 I just saw it, thanks man. Though I don't really care for my other story, I've lost interest in that one. So you don't need to advertise that other one.
why?
just...
why?
5409348 Just wanted to try new things. Is there a problem?
5409839 Thank you.
Is is bad that I find Cloud Heart a r63 version of myself?
5414610 Eh, not really. Just as long as you don't take that fact too seriously.
5415515 Well the least I can do is hope I don't do anything too crazy like her. I bet she and PInkie Pie would get along great.
5415865 Probably. So how did you like the chapter?
5415938 Made quite meticulously, and funny and upbeat until the K.O.
Then after that it was a mixture of "Aww" and "D'aww"
9.5 out of 10
s
5415961 Awesome, glad you liked it.