Screwballs and Special Someponies
“Hiya, Dissy!”
Discord beamed from inside his statue. And hello to you, Pinkie Pie. He looked up at the sun- she was a bit late, and he had been getting worried. In any other case, he wouldn’t mind lateness- orderliness was dull, after all- but Pinkie had been coming every Sunday at noon like clockwork, and he actually found a bit of comfort in the routine. He always knew precisely when she’d be there, and it was nice to have something to look forward to that was set in stone.
Hah, set in stone. Pinkie would love that one.
This was visit number... thirteen, if he remembered correctly. That was a good sign, in all honesty, thirteen was always a fun number. This visit should be good.
“So I was talking to the Princess again...”
Or not.
“And I was asking whether or not she’d let me talk to you, too, since she can!”
The chimera’s ears perked up at that. Alright, maybe this would be good.
“She said no, though, Dis... Thought you’d try and manipulate me again if you could talk to me.”
Well, she’s wrong.
“I told her I didn’t think so-”
Good, you shouldn’t. I wouldn’t do that.
“But she still said no. Too much at risk. Sorry.”
Why in Equestria are you sorry? You did the best you could, I’m sure.
She smiled sadly up at him. “It’s not really fair that we can’t have a real conversation, but I guess I understand.”
Well, I don’t. Although Pinkie couldn’t really see it, Discord was practically pouting.
“Aaaaanyway,” she segued suddenly, apparently not liking the conversation she’d started. “The twins are getting so much bigger! Oh, you should see ‘em, Dissy, I think you’d like them! Real trouble makers- Pumpkin’s levitation’s getting so good, and yesterday she changed her diaper into a frog on mistake! And then Pound tried to eat it! Speaking of troublemakers, the Cutie Mark Crusaders bumped into me the other day- they were trying to figure out how to buy a speedboat! I told ‘em how, of course, but, uh, apparently that’s not what you do when three fillies wanna buy something that could be dangerous... Who knew? So I got chewed out by Rarity and Applejack, but Dashie was all for teaching Scoots how to use one-”
Discord smiled and leaned back. He let the barrage of words wash over him, listening and keeping up to the best of his ability. Every so often he’d make a sarcastic remark or ask a question- not that she could hear him or answer, of course, but it was nice to feel like he was contributing to the conversation. Then something made him pause.
“Yesterday was Hearts and Hooves day, too- I was really hoping that Pokey Pierce would ask me to be his very special somepony, but he likes Colgate instead. Which is okay, of course, and they make a really cute couple! They really, really like each other, and it’s sweet to watch them... I guess I was just kinda hoping for something else...”
He wasn’t sure why this made him pause, but something in his stomach burned a little at that. He didn’t know who the stallion was, of course, but he couldn’t help the rush of annoyance at him.
Well, this Pokey Pierce doesn’t sound very smart. What kind of self-respecting stallion would prefer a glob of toothpaste over you?
“But that’s okay! They’re both really super happy, so that’s what matters in the end, right?”
... It’s alright to be a little selfish sometimes, you know. The world won’t end.
He didn’t really know what he was saying at this point, or why he cared, but something in him did care, and that was enough for him.
“Hearts and Hooves day was fun anyway! There was a huge party at Sugarcube Corner, and everypony was there! There were so many ponies, it was crazy! There was even this group of three ponies all dating, and they were really cute- one of the stallions was training to be a doctor, and the other was bald and really, really unlucky, but super funny! He was really cool about everything that happened to him- and their marefriend was super duper nice, and really smart, and super pretty, too, way out of their league, and they seemed to know it. I liked her a lot. The doctor was named Jolly Hoof, and-”
He listened absentmindedly as she chattered on about Hearts and Hooves day, admittedly not paying much attention. It wasn’t that he was uninterested, it was just that he was trying to figure out why he had cared so much about her comment about Pokey Pierce.
Was it possible he was jealous?
No, of course not. He shook his head and scoffed. He didn’t even really consider her a friend, just a nice way to waste some time, so why would he be jealous at the idea of getting a special somepony?
Waste of time...
Oh, that must be it! If she started dating somepony, more of her already busy schedule would be sucked up by whatever mare or stallion she decided to pursue. She might not have the time to visit him anymore, and his Sundays would be made a lot more dull.
He settled back into listen to her story, happy he had reached a conclusion. It didn’t quite sit right with him, but it was a logical conclusion after all, and since when did logic satisfy him?
A part of him nagged that there was more to his feelings than that, but he shooed it away. Honestly, what else could be the problem?
“...So then the punchbowl was dancing around, and Twilight was so annoyed that she’d lost control of the spell! The CMC were trying their best to help, but they just spilled the punch everywhere! Then Doctor Whooves and Ditzy tried to work together to get it all under control- they actually make a really good team, you know, it’s sweet, and-”
Well, he’d obviously missed something in the conversation.
Ah, well, he didn’t mind. It was fun to make up a story for what she said was happening anyway.
Right now his story involved shape-shifting aliens and demonic pepper shakers.
“...And then- kablooie!- there was pudding everywhere! I don’t know why there was pudding in the balloons in the first place, but it was so much fun- the twins were just lapping it all up, and Gummy was practically swimming in it. It was absolutely delicious!”
The pony grinned, finishing up her story happily. Then she looked up at him curiously.
“So speaking of Hearts and Hooves day, I was wondering. Have you ever had a special somepony?”
Despite the fact that he wasn’t eating or drinking anything, Discord found himself choking in surprise.
“I mean, I bet you have- you’re more than a thousand years old, after all! Or not, that’s okay too. Not everypony’s interested in that sorta thing- and that’s okay! I know it’s a weird question, but there’s this pony who hangs around the gardens, and she’s always looking for you. Celestia says I can’t show her where you are, but she keeps asking me. She says she’s your daughter, which really doesn’t make much sense, but then again YOU don’t make sense, so maybe it’s possible. And I guess you wouldn’t need another pony to make a daughter, being.. you, but maybe you did!”
My... daughter?
Pinkie was right, that really didn’t make any sense... unless...
Screwball?
No, that didn’t make sense, all evidence of his last reign of chaos has been poofed away by the power of friendship. That would include his little chaos incarnate, right?
“I dunno where she lives or anything, she always seems to be here when I am. I’m not actually supposed to tell you about it... I dunno, I think she makes the Princess nervous,” she trailed off, a bit guilty. “But I don’t think that’s fair... I mean, I’d wanna know if my kid was looking for me!”
Discord could barely contain his glee. The filly had survived! Oh, this just made his day- he was quite fond of his little abomination, after all. He was a bit disappointed she couldn’t find him the way Pinkie could- she was pure chaos energy, she really should be able to- but he was thrilled nonetheless.
“She looks well fed and all, so that’s good! She says she’s got a place to sleep though, so...” she trailed off, still not totally sure what to say. “I’m still a little worried- I mean, she’s still kinda like a kid, even if she has a cutie mark, but she says she’s okay, so I trust her!”
The fact that his... well, honestly, spawn was probably the word most would use... had interacted with Pinkie made him grin. He wasn’t sure why, but he rather liked the fact that they seemed to get along, at least slightly.
Maybe it was just the potential for chaos between his daughter and his...
His what?
Companion, he supposed, was the right word.
He would NOT say friend.
Too... gooey and sentimental.
And while Pinkie might be all for that, he was the God of Chaos, the Lord of Disharmony, the Clown Prince of Crime!
... Okay, maybe not the last one, he might have stolen that title from somepony else in Trotham City, but the point still stood.
He didn’t need “friends.”
“But I gotta wonder... why’d you make yourself a daughter? You don’t even like the idea of friendship, right? And family’s kinda like friendship, but a bajillion times more stressful!”
Everypony needs company. Even me. So what if he wanted a child? Wasn’t it a natural evolutionary trait to want to reproduce?
... And besides, he was good with children. They were fun.
She looked at him, as if expecting him to suddenly explain, then she smiled.
“Well, I think it’s sweet either way! The big bad lord of chaos wanting a little family.”
... Sweet?
No, no, this wouldn’t do. He was evil incarnate, he was fear, he was terror, he was the closest thing ponykind had to Satan himself.
He wasn’t sweet.
“I think she knows I’m visiting you, ‘cause she gave me this!” she pulled out a sloppily made paper heart, with bright colors splashed all over it. It was almost painful to look at. Once Pinkie gave him a closer look, he could see it was a Hearts and Hooves day card, with almost indecipherable hoofwriting. After nearly ten minutes of staring, he had pieced it together- it was a short note, really, consisting of a wish for a happy Hearts and Hooves day, and love from his daughter.
He beamed. That little freak really had a way of getting to his heart. (Well... kidney, technically.)
... On second thought, maybe two little freaks had ways of getting to him. Pinkie had pulled out another hoofmade heart- this one definitely nicer than the last. “I dunno if you’ve ever gotten a Hearts and Hooves day card- well, I mean, you just got one from your daughter, but other than that- so I thought you might like it!”
A rush of affection coursed through him as she placed the card on his pedestal. It was different than the affection he felt for Screwball, and different than the affection he used to feel for Celestia and Luna, but he couldn’t really place how or why it was different.
Well, screw it, it didn’t matter anyway.
It was getting warmer, so he really wouldn’t need his magic tonight- plus, Bananas was there, and as silly as it sounded, he was utterly convinced that the little plush gave him at least a bit of warmth, so he supposed he could try and poof up a note. He hadn’t done it since Hearth’s Warming Eve, but it was worth a shot.
This one would be a bit longer, he decided.
Pinkie,
Thank you again.
Yes, that pony is my daughter. I made her the last time I was free.
She can provide for herself, as she’s purely chaos magic, but be a dear and make sure she’s safe anyway?
Oh, and tell her I’m safe, I’m sure she’ll want to hear that.
Her name is Screwball.
Happy Hearts and Hooves day, I suppose.
Discord
(P.S. Pokey Pierce sounds like an idiot, anyway.)
He concentrated as hard as he could, recieving a bit of a headache from the strain, but beamed when he saw a bright pink note float down from... somewhere.
The mare smiled and hopped up, catching it in her mouth and looking up at the statue happily. She quickly scanned over the note and saluted Discord. “Can do! Oh, she can stay with me and the Cakes- I’m sure they won’t mind too much, especially if she can bake and help out. Plus she’d basically a filly, they’d never kick a filly out. Can she bake? Well, I can teach her how to bake if she can’t, I guess.” They had gotten a bit off topic, but Discord didn’t mind.
She reread the last line of the note again. “Hey now, Pokey’s not an idiot just because he doesn’t like me!”
Fine. Last time I try to say something nice...
“That wasn’t very nice... But I know you were trying to be nice, so thanks.” She gave the spirit a small hug, even though she doubted he could feel it.
He could, and a strange warmth filled not only where she had hugged him, but his entire body. He didn’t understand it, but he quite liked it.
Besides, what fun was there in things he actually understood?
... Any time.
He found himself surprised to actually mean it.
She smiled up at him, the letter still in one hoof.
“I guess I should go find Screwball, huh? She could be anywhere in here!”
He smiled. Knowing her, she was probably in the most confusing, twisted part of the gardens she could find. It probably felt the most like home to her.
“Well then, I guess I’ll be off. I’ll see you later, Dissy! I promise I’ll be back soon! I Pinkie Promise!” she did her little spiel, and Discord chuckled. “And I’ll bring Screwball with too, if I can! See ya!” and with another grin, she started to trot off.
Goodbye Pinkie Pie. I’ll see you soon.
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5039279 Oh, wow, thank you, I'm flattered! Don't worry- more's gonna come soon!
This is good.
This is some good stuff.
I like it.
...
Make more.
i think you may be the first discopie author to address the existance of screwball! and i love it! i'm such a sucker for the image of discord as a father...
one teeeeeeny tiny nitpick:
if discord doesnt see his chaos as 'evil' (as mentioned in the conversation with celestia) then would he really think of himself as the 'clown prince of crime'? would he think of his chaos as a crime, if he doesnt believe in the laws that label him a criminal? maybe just 'the clown prince'...but yeah, the joker ref was pretty good, all the same ^^
This isn't just you, it's everyone, but apparently Discord is like a chimera, but he's a draconequus. He's a unique species. If you search chimera and draconequus they're completely different.
Sorry, I just wanted to say about something that bugged me slightly.
5082493
Actually, the word chimera can mean any animal made out of parts of other animals. Discord certainly fits this definition.
'The chimera', the most famous example of the above, is the goat-lion-snake I presume you are thinking of.
young and sweet only seventeen
Jealous Discord is my favorite
ALSO OMG SCREWBALL! I know she was on the cover but I didn’t think this would be so soon!