When Stars Fade Away

by thechicken95

Chapter 1: Darkness

Her hoofs were clopping on the ground so hard and fast that it make the earth quake with each step. She was running, her yellow mare all tangled up from the strong wind. Her head down and looking straight to keep up her pace. She looked back, but her hat had been long gone. No worries, she'd just request a new one from Rarity. But that wasn't important now. Nothing was, except to get the news out. She turned the corner, and broke out into a full on sprint, leaving a huge cloud of dust in her trail.

Just earlier that day, she had spent that day with one of her best friends looker for a perfect engagement ring that her friend would propose to her boyfriend. At the time, she thought it was a bit weird, seeing as a mare was going to propose to a colt, but as seeing that it was her best friend, she decided to help her out. And that was the last time that they ever saw each other. As the orange pony raced towards Ponyville, she wasn't seeing where she was going, and bumped into another pony.

"Ow! Watch where you're going you ass-" the rainbow pony stopped in her tracks when she saw who it was. "Applejack! I'm so sorry!"

"It's all right SugarCube." Applejack said,brushing the dirt off her mane.

"What were you doing running all crazy like that? And also, where's-". Rainbow said, before being cut off by Applejack.

"I'll tell you later hun. Let's just go find the others first." Applejack said in a sped up tone. She was starting to sweat now, and was beginning to hyperventilate.

"You sure you're ok there AJ? I could just go alone, you'll just have to tell me what I need to tell the others." Rainbow said, placing a hoof on Applejacks shoulder.

"No, no it's alright. I'll be fine. Let's get goin." Applejack said, walking in front of Rainbow, towards Ponyville. The usually quite Hamlet was full of spark and energy when the duo reached the edge of town.

"Since it's a busy day, let's stop by Fluttershy's first." Rainbow said, with Applejack nodding in agreement. As they saw Fluttershy's house in the distance, the could see her trying to feed Angel.

"Now be a good boy for mama Angel and ear that last carrot." Fluttershy said in a whisper. Angel shook his head no. "Oh please won't you be a good boy for mama? Maybe just one bite?" Angel again, shook his head no.

"What ya doin over there SugerCube?" Applejack asked. Fluttershy yelped, and flew straight into a tree, while Angel took the carrot and punted it down the hill, then returned to his home.

"Oh. It's you guys. What's going on Applejack?" Fluttershy said, hushed.

"There's something that I have to tell you, and it's concerning what took place earlier today." Applejack said.

"Oh... Does that mean that-" Fluttershy said before being cut off by Rainbow Dash.

"AJ wants all of us plus Spike together before she announces the big news. Come on, let's go find Rarity next." Rainbow Dash said, with Fluttershy and Applejack nodding in agreement. The trio entered Rarity's store, and didn't see her.

"Maybe she's in the back?" Rainbow Dash suggested, walking towards the back of the store. A little while later, Rarity walked out, and greeted Rainbow.

"Oh darlings! What are you three doing here now? The picnic wasn't supposed to be for another hour, and I'm not even close to being ready yet." Rarity said.

"We need to talk to you about somethin about this morning." Applejack said, as Rarity's head instantly shot up.

"Ohh! Did she get the ring? How was the proposal? What type of dress does she want?" Rarity asked in rapid succession.

"Actually, it's about something other than that. And I need all of you to make the announcement." Applejack said, her head down.

"O-oh. Ok. I see it now." Rarity said. "Come on, let's go find Pinkie." The girls nodded, and they walked out of the store.

As they entered Pinkie's house, they saw whole sorts of pots and pans scattered across the floor, cupcakes by the dozens and Pinkie going from stove to stove caring no less than five huge pans with her.

"Pinkie, what are you doing?" Rainbow Dash said chuckling as they entered her house.

"Why it's for the picnic of course! Can't have a perfect picnic without the perfect cake!" Pinkie said, bouncing up and down.

"Well, we need you to stop baking right now and to come along with us." Applejack said, staring at the ground.

"Stop baking! This needs to be perf-" Pinkie stopped as she saw the expressions of her friends. "Oh. Well then, I guess I'll be going. Sorry for my outburst."

"It's alright pumpkin. Let's go see Spike." Applejack said.

Spike was busy cleaning the library in anticipation for the picnic, putting books on the correct shelves, lining the tables together, and even doing some dishes. He heard a knock on the door, and hurried over to it, tripping over a few chairs here and there. When he opened it, he was surprised to seethe others in such down spirits. "Hey guys, where's Twilight?" Spike said, his heart pounding.

"That's what I gathered you all here for. A message from Princess Celestia herself: Princess Twilight, our Princess Twilight, has been murdered."

Author's Note:

So, first chapter. How do you guys like it? I know it's kinda short, but I think it got the job done. And if you don't think it did, tell me with constructive criticism, or else I will play along with you and counter troll you. Hope you all enjoyed reading this! Chapters should come out every day or two.

Comments

[Twilight Shine]

Whaaaaaat! Twilight Sparkle murdered!

[MythrilMoth]

Since you seemed so keen on harsh criticism of my work, I thought I'd pop over and take a look at your work, to see how an "expert" does it, maybe learn a thing or two.

This is what I found:

Her hoofs were clopping

hooves

"It's all right SugarCube."

sugarcube (It should only be capitalized when in the proper noun "Sugar Cube Corner")

"You sure you're ok there

Don't abbreviate "okay" in prose.

The usually quite Hamlet

In this usage, 'hamlet' should not be capitalized.

"Now be a good boy for mama Angel and ear that last carrot."

What would 'earing' a carrot entail, or even accomplish? He should probably just eat them.

SugerCube?

The capitalization thing AND you can't even spell it right?

Also, lots of punctuation errors.

This is flat, lifeless, and uninteresting. Everything about this is cookie-cutter characterization. Even the setup for something bigger--the murder of Twilight Sparkle--at the end of this is handled so flatly, so lifelessly, I can't help but yawn and not want to read any further.

I skimmed the second chapter, and it honestly just gets worse from here. I'd go take a look at your other stories to see if perhaps this is a fluke, but...I don't really see any reason to expect better from you after this shallow offering.