• Published 28th Aug 2014
  • 1,776 Views, 54 Comments

Discord Gets a Job - kingfish

Discord has to become a productive member of Equestrian society. And he will probably doom the world in the process.

  • ...

Chapter 3: Foalsitter

Discord and Twilight sat at the breakfast table the next morning. Discord was eating a Hunter's Delight—a sandwich he had invented himself—which was currently struggling to escape his grip. Twilight, on the other hoof, was eating a much less lively meal of oats and honey with a mug of coffee, grimacing across the table at Discord's choice.

"How can you eat that thing?" she asked with thinly veiled horror.

"Oh, relax, Twilight, it's not even really alive; I just animated it with my magic." He took another bite of the sandwich, biting off one of it's celery-stalk arms and causing a small amount of beet juice to stain his lips. "Mmm. Wiggles all the way down." Twilight had to force herself not to retch at the thought.

"So, uh..." she said uncomfortably, trying to change the subject and ignore Discord's struggling breakfast, "how did it go with Cheerilee's class yesterday?" Discord bit off another plant-stem limb before replying.

"Excellent!" he said, spitting a few pieces of lettuce onto the table. "First, they opened me up and examined my brain. And later, I got to teach them history. Cheerilee even let me teach physics!" Instantly forgetting her earlier discomfort, Twilight snorted and laughed.

"You? Teach physics? That'll be the day!" Discord put his lion paw to his chest, appearing mildly offended.

"Why, I think I make an excellent physics teacher!"

"Oh, really? Then what's Neighton's First Law of Motion?"

"An object in motion will keep moving until it gets tired," he said with confidence.

"That was Aristrotle!" said Twilight, flabbergasted that he could so disgrace her absolute favorite subject. "Neighton's First Law says all objects will maintain their state of motion unless acted upon by a nonzero net force."

"You didn't let me finish!" said Discord. "I was about to say, '...is what Aristrotle said, which is wrong. The object will stay in motion unless acted upon by a force.'" Twilight raised the coffee mug with her magic and took a sip, smirking behind the rim.

"That's still technically wrong in three places," she said smugly.

"Is not!"

"I greatly appreciate this, Discord," said Rarity as she let the draconequus into her Boutique.

"Oh, no problem. I just love those three fillies!" The two started up the stairs, heading up toward Sweetie Belle's room.

"Well, you should be aware that they can be quite... difficult at times."

"Oh, no need to worry, Rarity. I can be quite the entertainer." When Rarity looked back at him, he was wearing a vaudeville-style vest and hat similar to the ones worn by the Flim-Flam brothers, and he twirled a cane in his eagle claw like a baton, singing all the while.

"♫Well, you've got opportunity in this very community...♫" Rarity simply turned back forward, trying desperately to ignore the singing and forget the violent crime against fashion that she had just witnessed.

They finally reached the door to Sweetie Belle's room and heard giggling coming from inside. Rarity paused at the threshold, immediately conjuring innumerable catastrophes and disasters that could be occurring behind the innocent-looking exterior. With dread creeping up on her, Rarity slowly opened the door and found the fillies—

—playing a board game. Oh, thank Celestia, she thought. The three fillies were inside playing what appeared to be a game of Candy Land. Scootaloo had a pouty look on her face, Apple Bloom was grinning like Twilight having a breakdown, and Sweetie Belle looked up and smiled as her sister walked in.

"Hey, sis!" she squeaked. "Is the foalsitter here yet?"

"Yes, he is," Rarity replied. "Girls, I'd like you all to say hello to Discord. He will be your foalsitter for the night." She opened the door wider to reveal the smiling draconequus standing with his hands clasped together and one leg in the air like a little schoolfilly.

"Good evening, girls!" he said. "I know we'll all get along just splendidly! We can braid each other's manes, make s'mores, and maybe even play Truth of Dare!"

"Now," continued Rarity, "I'm going to a meeting with a potential client at a café, so I will be back most likely around 8:00. That gives you about two hours of free time. Hopefully, you won't burn the Boutique down in that time." She turned away and muttered under her breath, "Although I wouldn't be surprised if it was Discord's fault." She then trotted out the door and down the stairs. "Have fun, girls!"

"Oh, they will, Rarity!" Discord shouted after her. Once the door shut, he turned to the three fillies and clapped his hands together. "Now, then... What shall we do first?"

"Where are you?!" cried Sweetie Belle in desperation later that evening.

"Keep looking," said Discord casually as he leafed through an issue of CloudMall. He had shrunken himself to a tiny size and now sat behind one of several flowerpots in Rarity's living room. He had been making excellent use of his ability to throw his voice and was thoroughly enjoying their game of hide-and-seek. The fillies, on the other hoof, were not.

"This is boring!" said Scootaloo, glancing at the clock. "We've been looking for almost an hour, and we still haven't found him. He's probably changed hiding places five times anyway. Or he could probably just pop into another dimension or something and nopony would ever be able to find him." Discord fought hard not to snicker. That had been his first idea for a hiding place, but he had ultimately decided that would have been unfair. But there was no sense in making it easy for them.

"Ooh, looky!" he said excitedly, eyeing a product in his magazine. "An automatic coffee maker that doubles as a Pez dispenser! I swear, they sell the most amazing things!"

"Ah've had enough o' this," said Apple Bloom, shutting the kitchen cabinet. "We've looked ev'rywhere! Ah even checked the basement. Ah never even knew ya'll had a basement!"

"Me neither," said Sweetie Belle curiously. "I guess Rarity never told me about it."

"Yeah," said Scootaloo sarcastically, retrieving her head from a desk drawer, "or maybe Discord just poofed it into existence so we'd have more places to look!" The draconequus had to really struggle to hold back his laughter this time.

"Alright, Discord," said Sweetie Belle, "we give up. Where are you?" Discord closed his magazine and walked out from behind the row of clay pots. He waved at the Crusaders when they saw him, then teleported to stand in the middle of the room full-size.

"Surprise!" he said, absolutely not being at all the least tiny bit smug. "You didn't find me! I was hiding behind the flowerpots!"

"That's not fair!" said Scootaloo. "You can't use your fancy chaos magic; that's cheating!"

":ajbemused:," said Discord.

"What did you say?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"I said, :ajbemused:."

"Did anypony understand that?" she said.

"Never mind," said Apple Bloom, "Ah'm bored."

"I have an idea!" said Scootaloo. "The circus is in town today; let's try for tightrope-walking cutie marks!" The three fillies all turned to each other and spoke in unison.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Tightrope Walkers, yay!" They then put their hooves together and gave a three-way hoofbump in an impressive display of coordination.

"Now, now, girls," said Discord, wagging his eagle claw, "Rarity has entrusted me with your care, and you will be doing no such thing on my watch." He crossed his arms and poked out his chin in an I'm-the-boss kind of way. After a moment he looked down to discover that the three fillies were nowhere to be seen.

"Well, that was rude." And so he ran after them.

The Crusaders ran up and down the streets of Ponyville, trying every activity they could think of to get their cutie marks. They tried tightrope walking, cattle driving, tree climbing, mail carrying with Derpy, house painting, and even hoofball kicking, but nothing worked. Not that anything ever did. But they were still hopeful!

They poked their heads in and out of doors, Discord poked his head in and out of other doors, and neither one could catch a glimpse of the other. They chased each other through the streets and alleyways in every order imaginable. Discord after the CMC; the CMC after Discord; one filly, then Discord, then the other two; Scootaloo chasing Sweetie Belle and Discord chasing Apple Bloom; once, they were even chased by three Discords in a row, but the chase continued well into the evening.

Rarity trotted nervously up to her door. She fidgeted and looked around her, hoping beyond hope that the evening had gone well. She saw that the Boutique was still intact, but that held little meaning. The unicorn carefully placed her hoof on the door and, after a brief hesitation, pushed it open.

The bell above the door announced her arrival just as it did for every one of her customers. She looked around and saw no damage aside from a few objects slightly out of place. She explored and found a couch moved away from the wall, several of the kitchen cabinets open, and—oh no! Her precious potted plants were out of place! This could only be the work of a burglar! She would have to check the entire Boutique top to bottom to make sure they had not taken anything valuable! This was the. Worst. Possible—

"Good evening, Rarity!" came a voice behind her. Rarity instantly whirled around and pointed her horn at the expected assailant, but she was met only with Discord's smiling asymmetrical face.

"Oh! Discord!" she gasped, relaxing her stance. "You scared the living daylights out of me! I thought the Boutique had been broken into!"

"What?" He looked around and realized how wretched the place looked, at least according to Rarity's impossibly high standards. "Oh, silly, we were just playing hide and seek!"

"Oh, well thank goodness nothing awful happened! Where are the girls now?" Discord most certainly did not grin cunningly; he just smiled at the memory of all the fun they had been having.

"Oh, they're fine, Rarity. They've been awfully quiet the past few minutes." Rarity's face scrunched up in confusion. She turned and trotted up the stairs, followed closely by Discord. They reached Sweetie Belle's bedroom door and went inside.

"Girls?" said Rarity. "Where are you?" She looked down and screamed. On the floor in front of her was a small orange chicken with a fuchsia crest atop its head. It regarded her curiously, possibly trying to determine whether the mare had any feed to give it.

"Discord!" she shrieked. "Where did this infernal bird come from?!"

"Now, Rarity," admonished Discord, "what would Fluttershy think if she heard you say something like that? Besides, I got the girls to be quiet; what more do you want from me?"

"Wait, you mean..." She looked down again and saw a small book lying on the floor next to a pinkish flower. She brushed away the blossom and looked at the cover, which read, "Oxford Equestrian Sweetie Belle." Rarity's eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip pushed out and trembled. She then broke down into absolute hysterics.

"Sweetie Belle, why-hy-hy-hyyy?!?!" She grabbed the book and clutched it to her chest, her tears spraying the room like water hoses. "She was taken from us so soon!"

"Oh, please she'll be fine; it's just simple transfiguration magic." He snapped the digits of his lion paw and the three items suddenly became three quite confused fillies. Rarity's arms instantly expanded to hold Sweetie Belle, and she turned to her older sister and hugged her.

"Oh, Rarity, it was terrible! He sent me somewhere... It was small and smelled like Princess Twilight!"

"Shh, it's okay, Sweetie Belle..." Rarity rubbed a hoof on the back of her sister's head.

"Well," said Discord, "if you don't mind, I think I'll see myself out. Good night, girls!" Discord grabbed a suitcase and teleported out.

"Uh!" scoffed Rarity. "That ruffian took my favorite suitcase!"

Author's Note:

Special thanks to Kichi, and YetAnotherDiscord for his sandwich idea.
And so sorry this chapter took so long. My iPad got reset and I lost a TON of writing, so I had a whole bunch of other crap I had to catch up on. Hopefully from now on, these chapters will be coming out more regularly.