• Published 28th Aug 2014
  • 1,778 Views, 54 Comments

Discord Gets a Job - kingfish

Discord has to become a productive member of Equestrian society. And he will probably doom the world in the process.

  • ...

Prologue: The Request

Prologue: The Request

"Fluttershy, I said I was sorry!" Discord flashed out of existence and suddenly his head and neck appeared popping out of a flower along her path. "Please listen!" Fluttershy continued trotting down the path, attempting to pay the draconequus no mind. She was totally overreacting; all he had done was help an old friend ally acquaintance. Discord flashed again, this time inside the logo on the side of a passing cart.

"I never meant to hurt anypony! I was just having fun, honest!" He reappeared in front of her as a young multicolored hound, looking up at her with pleading puppy-dog eyes that no mortal being could possibly resist. Tears glistened at the corners of his eyes, and he stuck out his bottom lip like an adorable little foal.

"Well, you did," said Fluttershy softly, on the brink of tears. "You hurt me." The dam burst and she galloped away sobbing, leaving Discord hanging his head in shame. His terribly enjoyable pout was suddenly interrupted by a call from above.

"Hey, Discord!" yelled the mailmare from the sky. "Letter for ya!" Discord looked up to see a gray pegasus hovering unsteadily a few yards above his head. Her mane was messily wrapped around her head, making her look like a ragdoll. The chaos in Discord briefly wondered how she would look in a rainbow-colored afro, but it was overpowered for the moment by Discord's conscious thoughts.

A letter? For him? He had to see this as quickly as possible! He snapped the digits of his lion paw and the pegasus was now suddenly an earth pony. She plummeted to the ground, but Discord decided to give her a break and willed the ground beneath her to become spongy.

After curling up in fear, the mare bounced once, her distorted eyes glazed over with confusion, not realizing that she was saved purely by Discord's good will. At the peak of her arc, Discord calmly reached over with his eagle claw and plucked the letter out of her mouth. She then fell to the ground, now back to its original rigidity, and Discord decided to give her her wings back.

The envelope was dripping with slobber, but that was to be expected from being held in a pony's mouth. Discord carefully opened the envelope with his claw and read the following text:

Dear Discord,

You are hereby called to the personal audience of Princess Celestia of Equestria in the main hall of Canterlot Castle. You are required to arrive at precisely 3 o' clock on the afternoon of September the 1st of the 1004th year of Celestia's reign. Do NOT be late.


Fire Quill, Personal Secretary of Her Majesty Princess Celestia

Discord? Late? Never!


"Where is he?" Twilight tapped her hoof impatiently on the castle floor.

"Patience, Twilight," replied Celestia. Equestria's main Princess was obviously trying and failing to maintain her composure as she thought about how attractive Discord was. She would never admit it, but Discord knew that she still had a thing for him. "I have confidence that he will arrive soon."

Of course, Discord would arrive whenever he wanted to, but he chose that specific moment for its wonderful comedic timing.

"Hel~lo, everypony!" Discord flashed into existence, then looked around and realized that only two ponies were there; the Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. Luna must have been in her chamber sleeping; possibly doing other things, but most likely sleeping. The lazy mare never got off her plot during the day, Discord knew.

"Hello, Discord," said Celestia, obviously unable to keep the slight undertone of attraction out of her voice. "How have you been?" Discord knew what she actually meant, but he decided to play along, to keep up the charade in front of Twilight. One would not want to make the most powerful mage in Equestria jealous.

"Oh, just great, Celestia," he said with deliberately over-the-top enthusiasm. "In fact, I rather think things are going quite..." With a flash he turned into a fish inside an aquarium. "...swimmingly," he finished, flourishing his fishy body. Twilight scowled at him and he turned back to his regular form.

"Now, now, Twilight," he said, holding up his mismatched forelimbs and shrugging, "please try to be patient with me. All that chaos and randomness will eventually work itself out of my system enough so that I can listen. It'll just take a minute or two."

"Like the way it exited your system when Tirek stabbed you in the back and stole it after you betrayed us?"

"Twilight!" The lavender alicorn flinched and shrunk under Celestia's voice. Discord, of course, felt nothing upon Twilight's remark. Nope, nothing. Absolutely no crushing feelings of guilt whatsoever.

"Discord," said Celestia, "I have ordered you here because I have a request."

"Oh, Celly, I'm afraid you can't marry me; what would Luna think?" Celestia continued, unfazed. Darn.

"You have taken your reform remarkably well; aside from the incident with Tirek," she added when Twilight gave her the stink eye. "However, you are still a drain on the country's resources, however small. You must repay the favor and give back to the community by earning a working wage."

"A job?" Discord could not believe his ears. He was going to have to work? Earn money doing manual labor?

"Yes," replied Celestia. "A job. For normal citizens, there is a long and tedious application process; however, as you are technically a charge of the crown, the process will be much more streamlined. Otherwise, you will still be held under the same requirements as other citizens.

"Twilight here will be your agent. She will be responsible for speaking to or, if need be, negotiating with, your prospective employers, keeping track of your work schedule, and helping you decide which job you would like to apply for.

"For now, you will be applying for jobs within Ponyville so that Twilight and her friends can better keep an eye on you. Twilight?" Celestia stepped aside, allowing Twilight to stand in front of Discord. She lit her horn and conjured a three-ring binder, which was the same brown as his main coat, containing a mind-boggling number of papers and folders.

"I have already decided on three possible jobs in Ponyville. These dividers are for your future paychecks and status reports, sorted by date, and these folders will be for your applications. These spreadsheets will be for your weekly work schedule, and on these pages, I will be graphing the number of hours you work every day to track your progress. Everything will be three-hole punched in order to fit in the binder. Any questions?"

"What does this symbol on the front mean?" asked the draconequus, pointing at the proper spot.

"That's a coffee stain that was left by Pinkie," Twilight said flatly. "By the time I noticed it, it was too late for me to go and buy another binder."

"Ah-ha-ha!" laughed Discord. "That is hilarious!" He fell onto his back and kicked his legs in the air.

"Ahem." Twilight cleared her throat impatiently. "If you're done, we should not waste any time." Discord nodded and teleported them back to Ponyville with a flick of his eyebrow.

"Oh, Twilight," he said, "you can be such a drag sometimes. So serious. Where's your sense of fun?"

"On a bookshelf in my library, which, if you hadn't noticed, was recently obliterated. Now if you don't mind, I'd like for us to start as soon as possible." Discord thought he heard her mumble "The sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over" under her breath, but surely he must have been hearing things.

"So," said Discord, cracking his knuckles and causing a bush in front of him to randomly sneeze, "what's first on the list?"

Author's Note:

Rest assured that this chapter will be much shorter than the others. I just didn't have that much material to cover during the intro. Although I must say I am already having a hard time coming up with original comedy involving Discord's abilities.