• Published 28th Aug 2014
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Discord Gets a Job - kingfish



Discord has to become a productive member of Equestrian society. And he will probably doom the world in the process.

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Chapter 2: Teacher's Aide

Discord was sitting next to Twilight at Ms. Cheerilee's desk, with Cheerilee across from them. He felt like he was in a student-teacher conference, which he had not attended in at least 1337i years. He thought. He never was very good at math.

"So, how about it, Cheerilee?" said Discord. "I'm sure it would liven things up a bit."

"I don't know," said the teacher. "You did temporarily place Equestria under a system of tyrannical anarchy; which, now that I think about it, should not even be conceptually possible."

"Oh, never mind that," said Discord. "Water under the bridge. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you." The bewilderment on Cheerilee's face was absolutely priceless!

"But... I didn't—"

"Just don't, Cheerilee," Twilight interrupted. "Your sanity will thank you." The purplish mare stared at the draconequus, who simply waved happily, quietly deducing what he could get away with pranking her with.

"Okay, then," she finally said. "If Princess Twilight supports it, then I see no reason to say no." She held out her hoof.

"Excellent!" said Discord. He stood up and shook the teacher's hoof vigorously. "I can't wait! When do I start?"

"Uh, you'll be the visiting guest tomorrow," she said.

"Wonderful!" He let go of Cheerilee and moved toward the door.

"I'm sure you'll have fun tomorrow," said Twilight.

"Oh, I'm counting on it!" Discord said as he shut the door.

***

Ms. Cheerilee walked back into the classroom after the lunch break and moved to her desk. She had just called the foals back in from recess and was looking forward to the day's lesson.

"Alright, class," she said loudly over the noise of the students. "Quiet down please, and get in your seats." Slowly, all nine of the students present eventually found their seats and placed their conversations on hold.

"Now," said Cheerilee, "we have a very special guest today, and I'd like all of you to thank him for taking the time to come speak with us. I'm sure some of you will remember him from the field trip to the Canterlot Gardens last year. Please welcome... Discord." A couple of the students lightly stomped their hooves on the desks in applause. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon scoffed, and the CMC simply dreaded what kind of Tartarus he would bring.

The draconequus walked into the classroom and was immediately out of place. He wore a blue-green hospital smock with a pattern of white dots, a shower cap of the same color with holes for his horns, and he dragged behind him a rolling stand with a clear pouch of liquid hanging from a hook.

"Hel~lo, everypony!" he said with a smile. He walked over to stand next to Cheerilee's desk, dragging the stand with him.

"As you all know," said Cheerilee, "we have recently been working on our biology unit. Our first activity today will be to examine the brain of a draconequus."

"Eeewww!" said the class in perfect unison.

"Naturally, being the only known draconequus in Equestria, Discord has nobly volunteered for this procedure. In exchange, he will be your main teacher for most of the rest of the day."

"You actually expect me to touch an icky brain?" said Diamond Tiara. "I'm going to tell my dad if you make me go anywhere near that thing."

"Yeah!" echoed Silver Spoon.

"Now Diamond," said Ms. Cheerilee, "there is no need to bring your father's status into this. And I am sure he would agree with you learning biology. Knowledge is far more valuable than money." The filly grumbled at that, but Cheerilee gave no indication of hearing her. Another filly's hoof rose slowly. "Yes, Apple Bloom?"

"Miss Cheerilee, if we cut out his brain, won't he die?"

"Oh, goodness, no," Discord interrupted. "I promise you it won't even leave a scratch."

"We will not be removing his brain, Apple Bloom," said Cheerilee patiently. "We will only be examining it and identifying the parts of the brain. We are performing a vivisection, which means that the patient will be alive and, as in the case of brain surgery, fully conscious."

"Gross!" said Scootaloo. "I don't want him talking to us while we look at his brain! That'd be weird!"

"Admittedly so," said Cheerilee, "but we've used up enough time already. We should begin. Everypony grab a mask from the boxes on the shelf." She pointed to the bookshelf at the far side of the classroom and all the fillies and colts got up and did as they were told, donning paper masks to cover their faces. Eventually, they all gathered around Discord in a small crowd, except for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

"I am not wearing this hideous getup," she said defiantly.

"Me neither!" Silver Spoon echoed again.

"If you don't do this procedure and wear the proper equipment," said Cheerilee, "then I'm afraid the both of you will be earning an F for the day, and I don't think any of us will want to explain that to your parents." The two fillies grumbled in annoyance but donned their masks.

"Now," said the teacher, "first, we will apply the local anesthetic."

"No need for that, Cheerilee," said Discord. He got a firm hold on his scalp, pulled, and the top of his skull popped open on a hinge, squeaking slightly. "Ooh, I think that needs to be oiled," he said.

There was a collective gasp from the class as they laid eyes on the pulsating organ inside his skull. The room was filled with a long silence. Sweetie Belle was the first to speak.

"Oh my gosh, it's plaid!" she said in her squeaky voice.

"Really?" asked Discord. "For some reason, I always thought it had pink polka dots." He shrugged. A small spark along the top of his brain accompanied the motion.

"Excellent!" said Cheerilee. "That spark you just saw was in the part of the brain known as the primary motor cortex, which controls movement." She grabbed a metal needle and waved it around the whole of the brain. "This entire wrinkly area is called the cerebrum, and processes and controls most of what makes up conscious experience, like senses, language, and thought." She poked the spot just behind the part that had sparked. "This is the primary somatosensory cortex," she explained, "which processes the sense of touch."

"Who is touching my leg?" said the draconequus. "Whoever it is, please stop it." Then she moved to the left side of the cerebrum where three prominent wrinkles converged.

"This small spot is called Bucka's Area. It is involved in the production and understanding of speech."

"Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-discord!" the draconequus sputtered. "Chaos fun! Chocolate milk!" The words seemed to leap out of his mouth, with no regard for his intentions. Cheerilee then pointed to a small lump at the front of the brain.

"And this is an area of the brain unique to ponies and other magic-using creatures, called the thaumatic cortex, which enables them to channel magic." She poked it with her needle and Discord suddenly hiccuped, transforming one of the desks into a small rosebush.

"Ooh." Discord cleared his throat and tapped his paw against his chest. "Excuse me."

"And," Cheerilee continued, pointing to the underside of the brain, "this lump of tissue is the hippocampus, which is mostly responsible for memory."

"You've disappointed me, Jean-Luc, I'm very disappointed! Hey, I'm claustrophobic, I don't like it in here."

"Who's John Luke?" Scootaloo asked Sweetie Belle.

"I don't know! What am I, an encyclopedia?"

And the day continued thusly.

"Please, Mr. Discord, I cannot properly teach the physics unit while you are standing on the ceiling." Discord harrumphed and walked along the ceiling and down a wall, returning to the floor.

"Why is everypony trying to rain on my parade?" He produced an umbrella and a tiny pink thundercloud appeared above him, raining chocolate milk.

"I am simply trying to do my job, sir."

"Oh, please, I practically wrote the book on physics." Discord snapped his claw and conjured a large blue book. The title read Discord's Big Book of Physics in wacky lettering. He flipped it open, put on a pair of reading glasses, cleared his throat, and began reading.

"Energy equals MC squared. An MC brings life to any party. But two MC's bring double the hype!"

"Actually, sir," said Cheerilee, "that's not—"

"Force equals ma. A mother is a force of nature and should not be trifled with."

"Please, Mr. Discord—"

"Einstallion, Neighton, and Pascolt are playing a game of hide and seek, and Einstallion was it, so he covered his eyes and counted to 10. Pascolt hid behind a tree, but Neighton moved to the sidewalk and drew a square around his hooves in white chalk. Einstallion uncovered his eyes and immediately saw Neighton. He said, 'I found you!' Neighton said, 'No. You found a Neighton over a square meter. You found Pascolt!'"

There was silence in the room. Even the cricket in the corner of the room was silent. It was silently rolling and kicking its legs laughing, though; Discord was sure of it.

"Wait a minute," he said after a moment. He flipped through the pages, then looked at the cover. He scratched away at the cover and showed it to the class, revealing the word Jokes immediately after Physics.

"Silly me! I forgot I covered that up with blue paint!"

"Why would you do that?" asked Cheerilee.

"Why do I do anything?" said Discord. "Because it's fun, that's why!"

And lastly was history. Being over 1000 years old, Discord was offered the chance to teach history. Naturally, he gave the foals infinitely valuable knowledge on the history of Equestria and the world in which it resided. Naturally.

"And that is how Princess Sunbutt became the ruler of Equestria. Are there any questions?" Oddly enough, it was Miss Cheerilee who raised her hoof. "Yes, Cheerilee?"

"I don't remember reading about anypony named 'Thiessen' in any history books, sir."

"Oh, pish-posh, I know history. I grew up during history, for goodness' sake!"

"Well, that doesn't necessarily—"

"The day is almost over, so I will see myself out. Good day, everypony!" Discord produced a tall stovepipe hat from nowhere and placed it on his head. He walked through the door and the hat, being much too tall to fit through the doorway, bent to the left like rubber. It then regained its original shape once it had cleared the opening.

"Who do ya reckon that Faust mare was that he was talkin' 'bout?" Apple Bloom whispered to Sweetie Belle.

"I think I read about somepony named 'Fausticorn' in one of Twilight's ancient history books," she replied. "Think that was her?"

"And what was that stuff about the 'Imaginary Friends' Home?'" Scootaloo added. "That's the silliest idea I've ever heard!"

Author's Note:

Wow, I'm really proud of myself for getting this chapter out so quickly after the last one. It almost wrote itself. Don't expect all the chapters to come so quickly, though; I had a large part of this chapter already written prior to the posting of Chapter 1. I'll try to be more on top of my game from now on, though. Wish me luck!
Also, if anyone could think of good ponified names for Einstein, Newton, and Pascal that are fairly obvious, that would be excellent. :derpytongue2:

Thanks to CrackerHumps and Kichi for their suggestions. Even though I had already had the ideas independently, I felt they still deserved a shout-out. And special thanks to wille179 for the names of the scientists.