Why can't we have more first time writers like you, who seem to actually have passed their English composition classes?
Oh, and mini-rant aside, thank you for having good dialogue and an original idea. Only thing I found that detracted from your story was a few typos here and there, but Lobster has already addressed that.
This story is great. I like the contrast of how the girls would be like in a fantady adventure setting as oppossed to their canon lives. I hope the next chapter comes soon.
Ill be your editor but ill need two more days to recover as I recently got to be the centre of a sandwich featuring a bus and the moped i was ridding and only have the use of my none dominant hand but thats beside the point what do you say would you like for me to edit for you starting two days from now
If the human is suppose to be me, then i'd say this was stupidest quest I ever did with the stupidest interuptions during the travel and never mention it to the guys. Ever. not talking about your story in general. just if the guy was actually me
DAMN! The start is rough, harsh, but it doesn't really matter. It was a year ago. I can move along over that. Bar scene - It was a nice place, nice people, nice footprints on Trixie's robe. When they made a party, it was... natural. I understand why that happened, and the dialogs were so canon-like I already love it from this place. Giving a name for every flower by Trixie? Hiliarious. Diamond dogs and Rarity? Canon-ful and written like a god itself could do that. Camping? I really felt sorry for Trixie, thanks Tzeentch it changed already, twice, so it was really nicely written.
Except some mistakes on the beggining with, commas, dots and ' ", I see it's a flawless story, except that it's so short, [faggot. It is a pleasure to read that, because there is no unneeded line. Every one of them brings something new and exciting. It's so deep grounded into canon that it makes better with every single reference, and there is a lot of them.
Language is interesting and bouncy. I read very fast everything after CMC, so once again, only the start part is a bit boring and long - but hey, it has to be, because the action starts here and dies here too, according to the publishing date.
Anon is a very fine character, once again, not on the start, but after he accept to help the royal pupil, he is ok. Twilight... is shy. I like it because that makes her pure but able to romatism and eroticism. Trixie? She's my favourite. She is made exactly like in the show.
What can I say? Write an entire story in this manner, pls. Oh, and. Faptastic!
First!
4812304
k
Pretty good start, I recommend a editor or proof reader
4812866 I'd love to if I had one. Currently looking for one actually for this and the second part.
Why can't we have more first time writers like you, who seem to actually have passed their English composition classes?
Oh, and mini-rant aside, thank you for having good dialogue and an original idea. Only thing I found that detracted from your story was a few typos here and there, but Lobster has already addressed that.
This story is great. I like the contrast of how the girls would be like in a fantady adventure setting as oppossed to their canon lives. I hope the next chapter comes soon.
4814226 Next chapter is actually already done.
Just have to convert it and then have it looked over, hopefully by a few more people this time.
I think skyrim when I read this.
Keep Up the great work.
Ill be your editor but ill need two more days to recover as I recently got to be the centre of a sandwich featuring a bus and the moped i was ridding and only have the use of my none dominant hand but thats beside the point what do you say would you like for me to edit for you starting two days from now
4812304
wow rude
4817311 y-you too
This makes me think of a old play on stage.
4817321 Is that a good thing?
I'm interested to see where this story goes. Please continue it!
I think there needs to be an OC tag for the story.
Other than that, interesting start, and I await more.
brilliant. and I mean brilliant. I am loving this so damned much! truly hope this is a long story. and Yes Trixie dose have a cute butt!!!!!!!
Rookie mistake, someone needs to take watch.
4832045 So many bandit attacks in 3.5. So many. My old DM was a dick about that.
If the human is suppose to be me, then i'd say this was stupidest quest I ever did with the stupidest interuptions during the travel and never mention it to the guys. Ever. not talking about your story in general. just if the guy was actually me
DAMN!
The start is rough, harsh, but it doesn't really matter. It was a year ago. I can move along over that.
Bar scene - It was a nice place, nice people, nice footprints on Trixie's robe.
When they made a party, it was... natural. I understand why that happened, and the dialogs were so canon-like I already love it from this place.
Giving a name for every flower by Trixie? Hiliarious.
Diamond dogs and Rarity? Canon-ful and written like a god itself could do that.
Camping? I really felt sorry for Trixie, thanks Tzeentch it changed already, twice, so it was really nicely written.
Except some mistakes on the beggining with, commas, dots and ' ", I see it's a flawless story, except that it's so short, [faggot.
It is a pleasure to read that, because there is no unneeded line. Every one of them brings something new and exciting. It's so deep grounded into canon that it makes better with every single reference, and there is a lot of them.
Language is interesting and bouncy. I read very fast everything after CMC, so once again, only the start part is a bit boring and long - but hey, it has to be, because the action starts here and dies here too, according to the publishing date.
Anonis a very fine character, once again, not on the start, but after he accept to help the royal pupil, he is ok.Twilight... is shy. I like it because that makes her pure but able to romatism and eroticism.
Trixie? She's my favourite. She is made exactly like in the show.
What can I say?
Write an entire story in this manner, pls.
Oh, and.
Faptastic!
6100592
Beautiful name.