When introduced into the world of Equestria Trainers' Society, Miraborne is to become a breeding pony for Lady Satine's enterprise. Meanwhile, she falls madly in love with the first bat pony she has ever seen...
First off there are very few error as far as I see spelling wise, which is good. I did spot Eclipse's name turn into "Exlipse" once, might want to fix that.
Also near the end you used the exact same paragraph twice, the one starting with "Without the haze of the passion fruit". That, along with how the story reads, leads me to think this story was adapted from a rolepley, which is not necessarily a bad thing. As far as straight clop goes this is ok.
However as story wise you can do quite a bit more with this concept. To give some advice to help you tell a better tale I would first suggest you not treat your story like a race. By that I mean that each part of it goes by way too fast. From the very start we are tossed into a scenario where we have no clue who any of these characters are. It takes a good portion of the story just to figure out what race Satine and Wingshy are and for those that don't know the characters first hand establishing that is important.
Don't be afraid to linger on a something in the story. Be descriptive, you said that Breezy came out of a secret door, well what kind of secret door is it? Wingshy slips into a blissful state? Well what was the process of her emotion shift? Proper setup and details can turn an OK story into a great one.
Aside from that you have something really good here in concept. A member of the Society running her own pony breeding ring on the side, using a harem of brainwashed mares and a captured Bat pony stud. This has the workings of a proper EqTS story. You just need to stretch it out a bit. If I were you I would use what you have here as a rough draft version of the first two chapters. Use the part up to where she passes out to be the first chapter and then when she wakes up be the start of the second chapter.
I would like to know more about Wingshy too. Who is she? what does she like? where does she work? Things like that. You could introduce her at the start of the story and give a small rundown about the pegasus.
I know what I an suggesting could be a lot of work, but I feel that if you did it then it could become a great story. That all said keep up the good work and make sure to have fun.
4807266 4833585 Sorry, the comment above made me think that it was a re-write.
Yeah, slave/rape fic is probably a reason for those downvotes, people tend to not do too well with squick, but I guess I was hoping people were better than that.
Anyway, that doesn't subtract from the story. Please do continue, plenty of us are awaiting more :3
I have an earth pony OC, her name is Whispering Stream, and she is a very light blue, with curly red hair and freckles. Her eyes are yellow, and she is slightly taller than most other ponies. She is very easy going and is almost no ones enemy but very easily angered. Her cutie mark is a windmill. Thank you! (I don't know why I included her attitude, I expect you'll change it)
this is good i have an OC if you wouldnt mind using it? i will give you a breif description here, i can also give you some notes to her past life and personality that can give you a better insight into what shes like.
her name is shadow shift. she is a unicorn mare in her older teenage years, but with fashioned wings. she isnt an alicorn, as her wings are enchantments and have to be remade every crescent moon. she has a black coat, with a dark blue and grey mane, which is long and goes down to her hips, long and wavy. her eyes are a glowing amber. her wings which she creates on the crescent moon are of a butterfly shape, with different shades of sparkling grey, blue and purple. her cutie mark is a dark grey splodge with a pair of amber eyes looking out from the gloom.
when she was young, she got into a fight with a group of stallions in an alleyway of a city. with no parents to discipline her, she wonders the streets. while she was in the fight, her magic took hold, and her magic fashioned her a pair of wings to lift her from the fight. when she woke up the following morning, she was sleeping on a cloud, and her wings were still there. when she looked down, there was a white heart on her chest.
she is a fighter, but naive. she falls for tricks of compassion and love, and she often looks for parent figures. she will fight by manipulating the shadows with her magic, hiding in them, using her ears to see as her amber eyes give her away. she could be a good slave, but would need breaking. she would not make a dominant. she can be stubborn, but with some emotional and physical persuasion, she can be manipulated.
I Approve. FIRST!
Hmmm gotta say not bad, not bad at all ^_^
Horny isn't spelled like that, but otherwise, kinda a neat idea!
Hmmm.... If I may make a few comment.
First off there are very few error as far as I see spelling wise, which is good. I did spot Eclipse's name turn into "Exlipse" once, might want to fix that.
Also near the end you used the exact same paragraph twice, the one starting with "Without the haze of the passion fruit". That, along with how the story reads, leads me to think this story was adapted from a rolepley, which is not necessarily a bad thing. As far as straight clop goes this is ok.
However as story wise you can do quite a bit more with this concept. To give some advice to help you tell a better tale I would first suggest you not treat your story like a race. By that I mean that each part of it goes by way too fast. From the very start we are tossed into a scenario where we have no clue who any of these characters are. It takes a good portion of the story just to figure out what race Satine and Wingshy are and for those that don't know the characters first hand establishing that is important.
Don't be afraid to linger on a something in the story. Be descriptive, you said that Breezy came out of a secret door, well what kind of secret door is it? Wingshy slips into a blissful state? Well what was the process of her emotion shift? Proper setup and details can turn an OK story into a great one.
Aside from that you have something really good here in concept. A member of the Society running her own pony breeding ring on the side, using a harem of brainwashed mares and a captured Bat pony stud. This has the workings of a proper EqTS story. You just need to stretch it out a bit. If I were you I would use what you have here as a rough draft version of the first two chapters. Use the part up to where she passes out to be the first chapter and then when she wakes up be the start of the second chapter.
I would like to know more about Wingshy too. Who is she? what does she like? where does she work? Things like that. You could introduce her at the start of the story and give a small rundown about the pegasus.
I know what I an suggesting could be a lot of work, but I feel that if you did it then it could become a great story. That all said keep up the good work and make sure to have fun.
4765493
Fixed it!
4765516
Thank you, Mistress. I will tell Stardust.
4765017
4765615
4764532
Ok who thumbed down our Comments, we didn't say anything wrong right?
Ok saying first is annoying but still....
Love the rewrite, way to go ^_^
Saw a few grammar errors here or there that could use fixing, but I don't feel like that really subtracted from the story.
I'm unsure why it has so many downvotes, I guess that's from it being a re-write? Don't get discouraged, the first time is always the hardest.
4831953
The reason for the down votes is probably because it's a slave/rape fic. Certainly not a re-write. Everything is original.
4807266
4833585
Sorry, the comment above made me think that it was a re-write.
Yeah, slave/rape fic is probably a reason for those downvotes, people tend to not do too well with squick, but I guess I was hoping people were better than that.
Anyway, that doesn't subtract from the story. Please do continue, plenty of us are awaiting more :3
4833922
BTW, the rewrite means re-edit, technically in this situation.
I have an earth pony OC, her name is Whispering Stream, and she is a very light blue, with curly red hair and freckles. Her eyes are yellow, and she is slightly taller than most other ponies. She is very easy going and is almost no ones enemy but very easily angered. Her cutie mark is a windmill. Thank you! (I don't know why I included her attitude, I expect you'll change it)
Nice.
this is good i have an OC if you wouldnt mind using it? i will give you a breif description here, i can also give you some notes to her past life and personality that can give you a better insight into what shes like.
her name is shadow shift. she is a unicorn mare in her older teenage years, but with fashioned wings. she isnt an alicorn, as her wings are enchantments and have to be remade every crescent moon. she has a black coat, with a dark blue and grey mane, which is long and goes down to her hips, long and wavy. her eyes are a glowing amber. her wings which she creates on the crescent moon are of a butterfly shape, with different shades of sparkling grey, blue and purple.
her cutie mark is a dark grey splodge with a pair of amber eyes looking out from the gloom.
when she was young, she got into a fight with a group of stallions in an alleyway of a city. with no parents to discipline her, she wonders the streets. while she was in the fight, her magic took hold, and her magic fashioned her a pair of wings to lift her from the fight. when she woke up the following morning, she was sleeping on a cloud, and her wings were still there. when she looked down, there was a white heart on her chest.
she is a fighter, but naive. she falls for tricks of compassion and love, and she often looks for parent figures. she will fight by manipulating the shadows with her magic, hiding in them, using her ears to see as her amber eyes give her away. she could be a good slave, but would need breaking. she would not make a dominant. she can be stubborn, but with some emotional and physical persuasion, she can be manipulated.