• Member Since 8th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 29th, 2017

Miraborne


Comments ( 47 )

Hmmm gotta say not bad, not bad at all ^_^

Horny isn't spelled like that, but otherwise, kinda a neat idea!

Hmmm.... If I may make a few comment.

First off there are very few error as far as I see spelling wise, which is good. I did spot Eclipse's name turn into "Exlipse" once, might want to fix that.

Also near the end you used the exact same paragraph twice, the one starting with "Without the haze of the passion fruit". That, along with how the story reads, leads me to think this story was adapted from a rolepley, which is not necessarily a bad thing. As far as straight clop goes this is ok.

However as story wise you can do quite a bit more with this concept. To give some advice to help you tell a better tale I would first suggest you not treat your story like a race. By that I mean that each part of it goes by way too fast. From the very start we are tossed into a scenario where we have no clue who any of these characters are. It takes a good portion of the story just to figure out what race Satine and Wingshy are and for those that don't know the characters first hand establishing that is important.

Don't be afraid to linger on a something in the story. Be descriptive, you said that Breezy came out of a secret door, well what kind of secret door is it? Wingshy slips into a blissful state? Well what was the process of her emotion shift? Proper setup and details can turn an OK story into a great one.

Aside from that you have something really good here in concept. A member of the Society running her own pony breeding ring on the side, using a harem of brainwashed mares and a captured Bat pony stud. This has the workings of a proper EqTS story. You just need to stretch it out a bit. If I were you I would use what you have here as a rough draft version of the first two chapters. Use the part up to where she passes out to be the first chapter and then when she wakes up be the start of the second chapter.

I would like to know more about Wingshy too. Who is she? what does she like? where does she work? Things like that. You could introduce her at the start of the story and give a small rundown about the pegasus.

I know what I an suggesting could be a lot of work, but I feel that if you did it then it could become a great story. That all said keep up the good work and make sure to have fun.

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Thank you, Mistress. I will tell Stardust. :heart:

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4764532
Ok who thumbed down our Comments, we didn't say anything wrong right?

Ok saying first is annoying but still....

This should be good *pulls out a bag of popcorn*

Isaac: Pass the Popcorn

Lady Satine: Me too

Isaac:...why are you in the audience don't you need to be in the story

Lady Satine: all recorded....

Isaac: Whatever *rolls eyes*

:heart: there should be more impregnation of ponies out there:heart:

Love the rewrite, way to go ^_^

Saw a few grammar errors here or there that could use fixing, but I don't feel like that really subtracted from the story.

I'm unsure why it has so many downvotes, I guess that's from it being a re-write? Don't get discouraged, the first time is always the hardest.

4831953

The reason for the down votes is probably because it's a slave/rape fic. Certainly not a re-write. Everything is original. :ajbemused::pinkiehappy:

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Sorry, the comment above made me think that it was a re-write.

Yeah, slave/rape fic is probably a reason for those downvotes, people tend to not do too well with squick, but I guess I was hoping people were better than that.

Anyway, that doesn't subtract from the story. Please do continue, plenty of us are awaiting more :3

4833922

BTW, the rewrite means re-edit, technically in this situation.

great chapter :facehoof:glad something good happened to me today

Oh man. that so sad....oh well I'm sure she will make a nice attraction to the Society

*leans back and relaxes to enjoy the show*

Ok I'm excited to see what happens next...I think Fancy might be in more hot water then boiled rice LOL

Comment posted by Panem et Circenses deleted Sep 16th, 2014
Comment posted by Tschloken deleted Sep 16th, 2014

Yay another chapter, and on my birthday no less LOL:twilightsmile:

5102978 Happy Birthday Darling!:pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::heart::raritystarry::raritywink::twilightsmile:

5103141 maybe come onto skype some time, I miss ya LOL :rainbowlaugh:

5103147 It's going in for repair, but I'll have it by friday, and I'll be flying from here (Paris) to Hawaii. So I'll be somwhat closer to you!:pinkiesad2: :heart:

I'll Skype you from there!:twilightsmile:

5103156 good ^_^ be nice to talk to ya

OMG finally the next chapter:pinkiegasp: i've been dying to see it and now i have to wait for the next one......NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! :raritycry::raritydespair::raritycry::raritydespair:, but great job on this one, im dying to see whats next

short but sweet, Another good chapter ^_^

finally another chapter :rainbowkiss: i've been waiting forever now and now its here.....very well made, cant wait for the next one. keep up the good work :pinkiehappy:

Awesome chapter :twilightsmile: but a little short, hoping for more soon :moustache:

I hope he breaks the Zebra's neck and gets the hell out of dodge.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I have an earth pony OC, her name is Whispering Stream, and she is a very light blue, with curly red hair and freckles. Her eyes are yellow, and she is slightly taller than most other ponies. She is very easy going and is almost no ones enemy but very easily angered. Her cutie mark is a windmill. Thank you! (I don't know why I included her attitude, I expect you'll change it)
:pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy:

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Could you send it to me in a PM? It will be easier to file. And, if she doesn't make it into the story, I would be happy to start a collab with you as a sorry! :raritywink:

Great to see ya again, and glad to see the next chapter up ^_^

He doesn't know where they are, but she should. I mean she was Satines neighbor. So location wise there set. And the plan shouldn't be to go looking for there kid just yet, but get help. Like from a clan of ninja death bat ponys. Back up is always good...

5458496 This was intentional, they are in fear, so their minds are not exactly 'intact' :ajsmug:. And, their child is first priority.

this is good :pinkiesmile: i have an OC if you wouldnt mind using it? i will give you a breif description here, i can also give you some notes to her past life and personality that can give you a better insight into what shes like.

her name is shadow shift. she is a unicorn mare in her older teenage years, but with fashioned wings. she isnt an alicorn, as her wings are enchantments and have to be remade every crescent moon. she has a black coat, with a dark blue and grey mane, which is long and goes down to her hips, long and wavy. her eyes are a glowing amber. her wings which she creates on the crescent moon are of a butterfly shape, with different shades of sparkling grey, blue and purple.
her cutie mark is a dark grey splodge with a pair of amber eyes looking out from the gloom.

when she was young, she got into a fight with a group of stallions in an alleyway of a city. with no parents to discipline her, she wonders the streets. while she was in the fight, her magic took hold, and her magic fashioned her a pair of wings to lift her from the fight. when she woke up the following morning, she was sleeping on a cloud, and her wings were still there. when she looked down, there was a white heart on her chest.

she is a fighter, but naive. she falls for tricks of compassion and love, and she often looks for parent figures. she will fight by manipulating the shadows with her magic, hiding in them, using her ears to see as her amber eyes give her away. she could be a good slave, but would need breaking. she would not make a dominant. she can be stubborn, but with some emotional and physical persuasion, she can be manipulated.

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Quite an interesting OC. But, our story is coming to a close, with only about five chapters left. I'm not sure where to fit her in, unless she becomes a character that appears for a few lines. Greatest apologies, but ask Mistress Schorl, who is the creator of EqTS, she is making an all-OC volume of her book. Put this request in her fill form and you'll be in the story sooner or later. Bonne chance!

This was a really good story, great job! :twilightsmile:

speaking of waiting....

But seriously a nice chapter, short and to the point...and lets us know you ain't dead

Comment posted by Bry7x7x deleted Aug 12th, 2016

Been a while since the last update. A year.

Comment posted by Lewd_GameHorse deleted Sep 19th, 2016

Another dead fanfiction...I may just start a whole revival of these dead stories I've found.

Parts of this story definitely have potential, mostly regarding exploration of how the Society works, but there are a painful number of typos and the pacing is absolutely terrible. There's little to no indication of how much time passes.

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