>>GrezterGreen Yeah so I recommend revising now before your too deep and get lots of hate. You can bring him out of his shell later but you got to make the ponies befriend him and sooth his broken mind.
And then waking up to an indigo horse, they prefer to be called ponies, with a black splotch with a crescent silver moon on her ass waking me up, and telling me that I crashed in a forest that's called the Everfree forest and that she saw the section of the ship I was in, called The Forward Unto Dawn.
Awkward sentence is awkward and needs correction. In fact, this entire first paragraph needs a serious tune up. It's a very poor overview of Halo 1 to Halo 3.
And I'll fill you in on it, weather you like it or not, even if I have to strap you in. [underline added]
*whether
Before I begin let me introduce myself, I'm Spartan-117, or Master Chief, or just Chief. Now where was I? Oh yes the story
Uh... This doesn't sound like the Chief. At all. Massive OOC-ness for the Chief here. The Chief is a professional warrior. His demeanor is defined by his youth of military training. He oozes military bearing like most people sweat. He would introduce himself as Master Chief Petty Officer Spartan-117, UNSC Navy and everything after that introduction is also very OOC and should be removed.
I was in cryosleep sleeping the journey the Autumn was taking back to Earth
No. The Autumn was fleeing from the destruction of Reach, not heading to Earth (after which was scuttled to destroy the Halo ring). Cole Protocol dictates that no UNSC ship can jump to a UNSC-held location until after jumping to a random location and making a sweep for any Covenant tracking devices.
or so I thought, after destroying the controlling Halo ring, and since I can't remember anything during the journey, or entering the atmosphere of a planet of talking ponies, since I was in cryo, as I said before they prefer to be called that instead of horses.
...Have you ever played the games? The Pillar of Autumn was used to destroy the forth Halo ring while the Dawn was there to secure the Ark. The situation then deteriorated to the point that securing the Arc was impossible and its destruction was required. This was done by using a Halo ring that was under construction (to replace the destroyed forth Halo ring). MCPO S-117 activated the ring before construction was complete and the ring consumed itself in the firing of its main weapon. S-117, the Arbiter, and two other Elites (because I can't even begin to attempt to spell their names ) were on the Dawn to try and escape the Halo ring's weapon firing. After getting to the Dawn, the Elites were able to get to the bridge of the ship while the Chief was stuck in the hanger. The Dawn was only half of the way through the portal before the portal deactivated, leaving the bow (forward) half of the Dawn in Eath's atmosphere, and the stern (rear) half standard out in the middle of nowhere. The Chief then went into cryosleep and left Cortana in the Dawn's systems after they determined their situation and decided that putting the Chief into cryosleep was the best choice.
You might want to get a better grasp of Halo canon before continuing. This isn't even close to being in line with any Halo canon (or even fanon). Search "Halo wiki" and look for the Halopedia website. That would be a good place to start.
"How was thou's frozen induced sleep? We hope thou doth makes a speedy but full recovery from this mechanical bed" The winged unicorn asked and in perfect Old English no less.
... That's nowhere near "perfect" Old English. That's actually not Old English. In fact, you wouldn't be able to understand Old English given how radically different it is to modern English (for example, this is Old English, "Fæder ūre þū þe eart on heofonum..."). What she's speaking is incredibly poor Shakespearean English (aka Early-Modern English). Here's a good place to start to learn how to write Luna's speech patterns, and here is a good webpage to use to help conjugate the verbs. Do not beat yourself up if you can't get this down. It's not an easy skill to learn. Modern English is significantly more relaxed on word conjugations.
and soon to be co-ruler when my sister, Princess Celestia comes of age"
So Sunbutt is the little sister in this fic? Never seen that before.
And now, I've run out of steam to read this fic. The quality is, to be honest, terrible. It takes me longer to understand what you're trying to say in a signle sentence than it would to read a paragraph, normally. There are little to no descriptions, characters make decisions that make no logical sense, the OOC-ness is rampant, our species' name is "Humans" not "Human Beings", the Halo canon is all but ignored and the spelling and grammar is terrible. I'd bet that this is a trollfic, but at least most of these things would be lampshaded in some way. Get an editor and find someone who knows Halo-canon to aid you. I'm surprised that the like/dislike ratio is as high as it is. This is most likely due to it just being missed by all of the people who like Halo crossovers.
Nice i'm interested for more
4731359 Thanks.
The only problem I see is that the Chief isn't like that. He is more quiet and would prefer to be alone.
4731468 I agree as well all backstory I've heard about him is that he is fucked in the head and anti-social.
>>GrezterGreen Yeah so I recommend revising now before your too deep and get lots of hate. You can bring him out of his shell later but you got to make the ponies befriend him and sooth his broken mind.
4733216 I revised the first chapter slightly.
Shouldn't his ship be The Forward Unto Dawn
4771687 Thanks for pointing it out.
Awkward sentence is awkward and needs correction. In fact, this entire first paragraph needs a serious tune up. It's a very poor overview of Halo 1 to Halo 3.
*whether
Uh... This doesn't sound like the Chief. At all. Massive OOC-ness for the Chief here. The Chief is a professional warrior. His demeanor is defined by his youth of military training. He oozes military bearing like most people sweat. He would introduce himself as Master Chief Petty Officer Spartan-117, UNSC Navy and everything after that introduction is also very OOC and should be removed.
No. The Autumn was fleeing from the destruction of Reach, not heading to Earth (after which was scuttled to destroy the Halo ring). Cole Protocol dictates that no UNSC ship can jump to a UNSC-held location until after jumping to a random location and making a sweep for any Covenant tracking devices.
...Have you ever played the games? The Pillar of Autumn was used to destroy the forth Halo ring while the Dawn was there to secure the Ark. The situation then deteriorated to the point that securing the Arc was impossible and its destruction was required. This was done by using a Halo ring that was under construction (to replace the destroyed forth Halo ring). MCPO S-117 activated the ring before construction was complete and the ring consumed itself in the firing of its main weapon. S-117, the Arbiter, and two other Elites (because I can't even begin to attempt to spell their names ) were on the Dawn to try and escape the Halo ring's weapon firing. After getting to the Dawn, the Elites were able to get to the bridge of the ship while the Chief was stuck in the hanger. The Dawn was only half of the way through the portal before the portal deactivated, leaving the bow (forward) half of the Dawn in Eath's atmosphere, and the stern (rear) half standard out in the middle of nowhere. The Chief then went into cryosleep and left Cortana in the Dawn's systems after they determined their situation and decided that putting the Chief into cryosleep was the best choice.
You might want to get a better grasp of Halo canon before continuing. This isn't even close to being in line with any Halo canon (or even fanon). Search "Halo wiki" and look for the Halopedia website. That would be a good place to start.
... That's nowhere near "perfect" Old English. That's actually not Old English. In fact, you wouldn't be able to understand Old English given how radically different it is to modern English (for example, this is Old English, "Fæder ūre þū þe eart on heofonum..."). What she's speaking is incredibly poor Shakespearean English (aka Early-Modern English). Here's a good place to start to learn how to write Luna's speech patterns, and here is a good webpage to use to help conjugate the verbs. Do not beat yourself up if you can't get this down. It's not an easy skill to learn. Modern English is significantly more relaxed on word conjugations.
So Sunbutt is the little sister in this fic? Never seen that before.
And now, I've run out of steam to read this fic. The quality is, to be honest, terrible. It takes me longer to understand what you're trying to say in a signle sentence than it would to read a paragraph, normally. There are little to no descriptions, characters make decisions that make no logical sense, the OOC-ness is rampant, our species' name is "Humans" not "Human Beings", the Halo canon is all but ignored and the spelling and grammar is terrible. I'd bet that this is a trollfic, but at least most of these things would be lampshaded in some way. Get an editor and find someone who knows Halo-canon to aid you. I'm surprised that the like/dislike ratio is as high as it is. This is most likely due to it just being missed by all of the people who like Halo crossovers.
4774674 I think I fixed some of it, if not just let me know when you reread through the story.
Yup yeah uhhuh yeah right weird
4796171 ...
Chiefs thoughts.... Ew.
CHIEF...I thought you where a virgen.