Chapter Three
Flying through the air, Audrey breathed a sigh of relief. Landing on a large mountain she sat down and stared at the horizon. Placing her chin in her hands she hummed in thought as she stared at the setting sun. Thinking back on her little skirmish in Appleloosa she kept on trying to figure out how she had managed to draw links between her dead elder sister and a pony. Drawing a blank and chocking it up to a minor concussion, she stood up and turned around to scan the mountainside for any caves to sleep off her head trauma in. Spotting one further up the mountain she leapt towards a nearby ledge and then to the cave entrance itself. Looking into the cave all she could see was darkness.
"Night vision sure would be amazing right now." She thought aloud.
"Indeed it would, little one." A booming voice said from within the cave.
"Ah crap, there's a dragon in there, isn't there?"
"Not just any dragon! The Dragon Emperor!" The voice declared.
"... A very egocentric dragon. Crap, you guys are usually godlike in strength." Audrey once again thought aloud. "If I say please can I stay the night in your cave?" She then asked.
"Manners deserve to be rewarded young miss, you are welcome in the cave of Ak'Tos any time you find yourself wanting for a resting place." Ak'tos said.
"Ak'Tos. Where have I heard that name before?" Audrey wondered.
"I assure you, my name is not known to many."
"Wait a minute! Now I remember, it sounds similar to Akatosh from the elder scrolls games!" Audrey said as she snapped her fingers.
"What exactly are you on about, young one?"
"Don't worry, just a coincidence, and call me Audrey."
"Very well, make yourself at home and rest until the morrow." Taking that as her cue, Audrey entered the cave. Having apparently passed some sort of magical barrier, she saw the inside of the cave. Looking around she saw several large chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, a large pile of assorted shiny things, and a large grey dragon in a gentleman's robe wearing a monocle. Looking at the odd sight with an open the mouth, Audrey was too dumbfounded to speak. "My dear, if you leave your mouth open like that, a parasite worm might leap in." The dragon spoke up. Closing her mouth Audrey was finally able to produce coherent speech.
"Why is there a dragon laying down and looking like a sir?" She asked nothing in particular.
"Just because a dragon is wealthy, does not mean he has to lack class." The dragon responded.
"This is just. I don't even... You got a bed?"
"There's one over there, I have no reason why I keep it, maybe because it is shiny?" The dragon mused.
"Whatever, I'm going to sleep." Audrey stated as she walked over to and flopped onto it. "Time to sleep off this concussion." She said before falling asleep.
"Myes, that would be go-WAIT! Did you say concussion?!" The dragon blurted at what Audrey said finally clicked. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear." He muttered as he began pacing. "This is very bad, what if she doesn't wake up? How will I explain a dead girl to Silver when she gets back. This is a disaster!"
"What's a disaster?" A voice asked from the entrance, the dragon somehow managing to pale upon hearing it.
Thirty Minutes Later
Audrey was rudely awoken by the sounds of a heated argument. With a groan she rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. Then the argument devolved into a pointless shouting match. Seething slightly in anger at her sleep being disturbed, Audrey inhaled a massive burst of air and let loose a massive shout. "Shut the hell up! I am trying to sleep here!" The two arguers stopped instantly upon hearing her. Staring at her in shock, they shared a look before the smaller of the two, a pony, spoke up.
"Miss, don't you know it's a bad idea to sleep with a concussion?" She asked.
"Not the first concussion I've had, nor the worst."
"I'm not sure how to feel about that answer. But tell me miss, how did you come to find my husbands cave?" The person asked.
"Well, I had just beaten up the entire Appleloosa garrison, sucker punched the captain in the stomach, and thoroughly beaten five out of six members of a group of people who but up more of a fight, when the sixth pummelled me mercilessly and I had to flee."
"You took down an entire garrison of royal guards." The woman deadpanned.
"Now now, Silver, just because you don't think something isn't true doesn't mean it isn't." Ak'Tos scolded his wife.
"One quick question, how does sex work between you two?" Audrey asked.
"I don't feel comfortable speaking of such things to a stranger. But introductions are in order, I am Silver Rush, and this is my husband, Ak'Tos, the Dragon Emperor. And you are?"
"Audrey. Now if you don't find, can I get back to sleep?"
"Of course." With that Audrey rolled over and fell asleep rather rapidly.
The Ungodliest of Hours: Five a.m
Waking up with a yawn, Audrey looked over the cave she had slept in. Noticing her hosts fast asleep, she muttered under her breath and got out of bed. Setting outside of the cave, began stretching in various poses. Loose enough, then engaged in some light yoga to loosen up her muscles even further. An hour of painful looking poses later, Audrey was ready to begin her morning training regime. Looking about for a rock or tree, she managed to spot a sizeable boulder jutting out from the cliff face. Walking over to it, she scrutinized it closely. With nod of her head, she began punching and kicking the boulder for the next thirty minutes. Switching it up she began hitting it with elbow and knee strikes, chipping small pieces off of the boulder with every strike. After a further thirty minutes, she finally called it quits. Returning to the cave, she spied both her hosts still fast asleep. Deciding that it was late enough in the morning, she placed two fingers into her mouth and let loose a shrill, high pitched whistle that made her ears hurt. Snapping awake her hosts glared at her sleepily.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Silver demanded.
"Seven am, now get up you lazy bastards, days not getting any younger."
"I would eat you where you stand, if I wasn't too comfortable to move." Ak'Tos growled.
"Bite me, now get up, I've been training for the past two hours and need a shower. You got one?" Audrey asked?
"Over there." Silver said, pointing at a pipe with a shower head on it sitting up next to a large iron tub.
"Do you have a shower curtain?"
"No, I don't really need one since the only person ever here is Akky here, and he doesn't mind."
"Don't look, or I will punch you." Audrey cautioned as she walked over to the shower. Removing her clothes, she turned on the shower and stepped in. A gasp from Silver caused her to scowl. "Wow, you are really well toned."
"What did I say about looking?"
"Relax, it's nothing I haven't seen in the mirror before." Grumbling under her breath, Audrey quickly finished showering. Turning off the shower she stepped out.
"Do you have any towels?"
"No, I usually sunbathe until I'm try." With a sigh, Audrey crackled slightly before a wave of purple energy washed over her, evaporating the water.
"You seriously need to get towels." Audrey stated as she reclothed herself. "I hate doing that, makes me feel cheaty for not using a towel."
"Why?"
"Because that's what a towel is used for? And not channelling spiritual energy?"
"My dear, I believe you do mean mana." Ak'Tos corrected.
"Magic is for pussies, real warriors use their spirit."
"Ha. Don't make me laugh, what could you possibly do with your spiritual energy that I can't with mana?" Silver Challenged.
"Step outside and I can show you." Audrey grinned. Stepping outside the two glared at each other.
"I must warn you, I'm not as weak as I appear." Silver said.
"And I'm stronger than I look." Audrey retorted.
"We shall see about that." Silver said with a smirk as she was encompassed by a golden aura. A subtle shaking occurred as Ak'Tos exited the cave.
"As the judge, I shall decide the trials. Trial the first: Speed." Getting ready, Silver and Audrey stared at each other. "Begin!" As soon as the words had left his mouth, Silver and Audrey vanished. "Wait, I forgot to tell them where they were running to. Ah well, I'm sure they'll sort something out." Out in the middle of nowhere, near a lone dead tree, Audrey and Silver were glaring at each other.
"So we appear to be evenly matched." Silver said.
"Yes we are." Audrey agreed. "Firstpersonbackisthewinner!" She blurted before zooming off towards the mountain.
"Hey! That's cheating!" Silver shouted after Audrey before running after her. Several minutes later the duo were standing in front of a disappointed looking dragon.
"Don't hold back you two." He said.
"Fine!" The duo groaned. Heeding the dragons wishes, SIlver became encased in a slightly translucent golden glow whereas the ground around Audrey exploded from a sudden immense boost in power.
"Let's try that again, first person to reach wherever you got to last time and get back first wins. Begin." Ak'Tos said. Thee duo vanishing at his command. Several seconds later, Audrey reappeared. A minute after that Silver followed suite. Staring at Audrey she could only gape.
"H-how?"
"Flashstep." Audrey smugly grinned.
"Challenge the second: Strength. I want you to lift the heaviest thing you possibly can." Smirking, Silver picked up a house sized rock. Looking at Audrey, she smiled in victory. Not one to be outdone, Audrey lifted up Ak'Tos. "Probably should've made it so you couldn't lift me up, but everything is obvious in hindsight. Challenge the third: power. I want you to destroy something big. And not me!" Charging a large ball of magic into her hands, Silver launched a massive golden laser at a hill in the valley below, causing a one kiloton explosion. Charging a ball of spirit energy in her palm, Audrey unleashed a thin purple laser that carved a large trench in the valley. Grinning in Victory, Silver turned to her husband.
"Two Audrey, One Silver. Best three out of four methinks. Round the fourth: make passionate love to one another." At the two women's glares, he relented. "Can't blame a dragon for trying. I don't know, try and fly?" With a despondent look Silver slumped her shoulders. Looking over at Audrey she saw the woman suspended several feet off the ground. "Spirit Energy wins!" Ak'Tos declared.
"This isn't over, just because your power is versatile, doesn't mean it's better."
"Actually, he didn't specify if we needed to use our energies for this, so I just didn't bother."
"Oh, okay... Wait you can fly without wings?!"
"Yeah, though not that fast, which is why I prefer to run."
"Well I don't know about you two, but I feel it's about time for breakfast." Ak'Tos wisely butted in, snapping the two out of their glaring contest.
"Good idea, I could really go for some bacon right now." Audrey said as she and Silver followed the dragon into the cave.
"Yes, some bacon does sound nice."
One interesting lesson in how dragons cook later
"Your breakfast is served." Ak'Tos declared as he put down two plates with what looked like bacon and eggs on it. Grabbing a piece of bacon, Audrey took a large bite and chewed several times before a look of confusion crossed her face. CHewing once more, she spoke up.
"What kind of bacon is this?"
"Hay bacon." A look of absolute disgust and horror appeared on Audrey's face as she spat her food out and gagged. Grabbing the plate, she threw it as hard as she could out of the cave.
"What was that for?" Ak'Tos asked.
"That wasn't bacon." Audrey stated.
"Yes it was, it was hay bacon, the only kind."
"There is only one kind of bacon, yes, the real kind.
"But this WAS real bacon. What other kind could you be referring to?"
"Meat. Bacon is pig meat."
"Oh dear! Don't you know its unhealthy to eat meat, screws up your stomach something terrible."
"I'm not a wimpy herbivore like you ponies, I'm a mighty omnivore." Audrey said.
"Don't be ridiculous, you're as much a herbivore as I am. Why, just look at your teeth, they were made for mashing plants, not tearing flesh." Silver scoffed. Opening her mouth wide, Audrey showed off her teeth, causing Silver to start at the presence of canines. "Amazing, you're clearly an interesting person."
"Well being descended from primates will do that when you live amongst weaklings descended from horses." Audrey grinned at her ego unintentional being stroked.
"What?" Silver said as she blanked.
"I'm descended from primates, ya know, monkeys, apes, those things? Hell, every human is."
"B-but how?"
"Simple, evolution."
"If I might interject, I do believe I know of another such being that claimed to be descended from primates." Ak'Tos said. "I never met them, but I heard rumours from the other dragons back in the day. If memory serves me correctly, they were nicknamed the Primal Warrior for their unmatched fighting prowess."
"That's a title Cello and Loony gave me back when they first saw me tank an entire griffon legion." Audrey chimed.
"Cello and Loony?" Silver Asked.
"Pet names for Celestia and Luna."
"Don't you know they're the most powerful being on the planet?" Silver said.
"Not that powerful if I can take them." Audrey pointed out.
"I give up." Silver said as she threw her hands up. "You're more stubborn than a mule."
"That makes no sense, I was merely talking about how I'm stronger than Cello and Loony."
"But they're stronger than Akky here."
"Don't be ridiculous, in my experience dragons of his size generally have n exceptionally massive ego, thus making them indomitably powerful."
"Actually, that isn't the case anymore. Dragons have grown weak these past few generations, and our natural powers are fading."
"So, I could easily take a dragon? Huh, I've only been able to fight off the not so greedy ones."
"You fight dragons?"
"Not so much fight as defend myself from. After all, I do have a massive stockpile of gemstones and minerals somewhere. As soon as I get my bearings I'm heading there."
"It's probably been ransacked by another dragon or even by my own species." Silver said.
"Not likely, few things can survive where I placed it." Audrey smugly replied.
"Where?"
"The moon."
"The moon."
"The moon." Audrey confirmed.
"Why would you say it's on the moon."
"Because it is, just need to calculate orbital velocities, interception points, escape vectors, travel time estimations, required amount of supplies, and of course weight to thrust ratios for bringing back some of it. Ya know, standard mathematical equations they teach you in school. Of course, if I had some sort of device that could store it all, I wouldn't need to hide on the moon."
"Hmm, you have quite the decent education, most of those calculations you listed are relatively recent concoctions." Ak'Tos commented.
"What're you talking about? I learnt all that when I was seven. It's standard curriculum."
"And how old are you?" Ak'Tos asked.
"Well, the most recent birthday I can remember celebrating until suddenly coming to in an ice cave would have to have been my two hundred and seventh birthday. It's just blank after that."
"Two hundred and seventh birthday..." Silver and Ak'Tos deadpanned.
"Yea, though don't know how long I was in that ice cave for. So I could be older."
"Hmm, do you remember anything that could be used to pinpoint the year of your birthday?" Ak'Tos asked.
"Well, it was about a hundred years after Discord was sealed in stone."
"..." Ak'Tos stared at her blankly. "That was one thousand nine hundred years ago."
"Oh... Wonder if my sister missed me in my absence?"
"Wouldn't know. But why aren't you concerned about missing eighteen hundred years of your memory?" Silver asked.
"Coz I woke up in an ice cave, meaning I was likely asleep for that time, it's logical reasoning."
"That makes sense. By the way, are you going to do something about your hair?"
"Dunno, I tried cutting it once, but the scissors broke."
"Right, well I intend to head to the nearest city to get some necessities, you can come if you want." Silver said as picked up a bag of bits.
"Why not? I've got nothing better to do, and I might have some fun." Audrey agreed. As the two exited the cave, Ak'Tos sat down and scratched his neck.
"Damn, I didn't get to ask her to pick up the newspaper, now I'll be bored for the rest of the day."
Ponyville a few hours later
"This place might actually suck worse than the vacuum of space." Audrey moaned as she and Silver walked through the market place.
"And you're the best person to make this comparison, why?"
"I hide things on the moon? You need to pass through the vacuum of space to get there, and it's roughly several hundred thousand kilometres away? Hell it takes me several hours to get there at max power. Have to buy oxygen tanks and everything." Audrey explained.
"I doubt this is true."
"Whatever, don't believe me if you want, I am incredibly wealthy."
"Then you can pay for everything." Silver smirked.
"That sounds- HEY LOOK OVER THERE!" Audrey burst out, pointing in a random direction. Everyone within earshot then proceeded to look in said direction for a few seconds. Turning back to where Audrey was, Silver let loose a sigh.
"How did I fall for that?" She muttered to herself. Meanwhile, three blocks away Audrey was puffing her lungs out on a park bench.
"The fuck am I out of breath for? Usually going from zero to mach thirty in one millisecond would barely even phase me... Oh in the name of everlasting fuck, I'm not suffering from couch potato, am I?" Audrey groaned as she reclined on the bench. Not focusing on anything in particular, she completely missed the cries of alarm from above and the, rather large, piano falling towards her. Upon hitting her, the piano shattered into pieces followed shortly after by a blond pegasus landing in front of her.
"I'm so sorry! I just don't know what went wrong." The pegasus apologized.
"I've had meteroites hurled at me before and lived, I doubt a piano could do anything other than annoy me." Audrey deadpanned.
"Wow, you must be a guard or something! My name's Ditzy Doo, by the way." The pegasus said, extending her hand towards Audrey, who cocked an eyebrow ala Spock. "You shake it, you silly person you."
"I am well aware of what a handshake is, I'm just wondering why an incompetent like you thinks I'll shake their hand."
"You're not very nice.," Ditzy grumbled.
"There is literally no way to measure how little of a fuck I give about you at this moment. Nothing, not even Atlarus Industries has anything that can measure it."
"Atlarus Industries?"
"None of your business, now go back to dropping pianos on people, or whatever it is you do for a living."
"I'm reporting you!" Ditzy declared before flying away.
"Being an asshole isn't a crime, you idiot!" Audrey called after Ditzy, chuckling to herself slightly when she saw the pegasus crash into a lamppost.
"You're not a nice person." A juvenile voice said from her left. Looking in the direction, she saw three fillies, one with purple hair, one with some-shade-of-red hair, and one with purple and white hair. All of them glaring at her.
"Do I look like I care? I could wipe this entire town out in an instant if I wanted to, and there's nothing anyone could do to stop me."
"Oh yeah! Then why don't you go ahead and destroy the town!" The purple haired one said, her cohorts cheering her on before what she said registered in their brains.
"Scootaloo! Don't say that, she might actually try, and then shell get hurt by the guard!" The some-shade-of-red haired filly said.
"Yeah, then you'd get in trouble again!" The purple and white haired one said with a voice that grated on Audrey's superhuman aural senses.
"Purple and white, please, stop talking, your voice is like a beam of concentrated quark plasma to the frontal lobe."
"Wut's quark plasma?" Some-shade-of-red asked.
"Something that is really fucking hot, and would scorch the atmosphere of this planet."
"Yer bluffing!"
"Perhaps, perhaps not. Not like I can conjure up quark plasma at will, ya know." Audrey said off handedly. After a few seconds of silence, she noticed the three giving her excited looks. "I wasn't being sarcastically ironic. I really can't conjure things up at will. If I could I'd have left this universe ages ago."
"Aww." All three said in a disturbing harmony.
"Please, don't EVER, do that again. Ever." Audrey said, giving the trio a look reserved for gods of destruction.
"Okay." They chimed again.
"So, where'd you get those clothes?" Purple and white asked.
"I made them."
"Whoa! You can't even see the stitching! Rarity would be so impressed.""" P and W said.
"There aren't any stitches, this is all connected on a molecular level."
"What's a molecule?" Purple asked, looking to P and W for an answer.
"I think I heard Twilight say they're part of the discredited scientific theory or something once, if that's any help?" P and W said.
"Excuse me whilst I puzzle out a way to rearrange the gene pool so Twilight can never have children." Audrey said as she stood up.
"Wait! What's yer name?" Some-shade-of-red asked.
"Audrey, and what, I regrettably must ask, are yours?" Audrey asked.
"Mah name's Applebloom!" Some-shade-of-red said.
"I'm Sweetie Belle!" P and W said.
"And I'm Scootaloo, the number one fan of Rainbow Dash!" Purple said.
"Rainbow patterned hair, talks real boastfully?" Audrey asked, a gleam appearing in Scootaloos eye.
"You've heard of her!" Scootaloo asked in an excited tone.
"I've met her." Audrey said, a squee emanating from Scootaloo. "Though if you can call wiping the floor with her meeting her, then I suppose I have."
"Don't be ridiculous! Rainbow Dash'd never lose to anyone!" Scootaloo defended.
"Then how come I threw her through a house with ease?"
"You take that back!" Scootaloo snarled, before Audrey got a weird look on her face.
"Hang on a moment, my bitch sense is tingling." Licking a finger Audrey held it up in the air for a few seconds before pivoting and pointing in a direction. "And there's two of them of there." Audrey said. A collective groan emanated from the fillies.
"Oh no, it's Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon." Scootaloo said, earning a snicker from Audrey.
"Lemme guess, one's special talent is looking pompous and self-righteous, and the others is being pampered?" Audrey snickered.
"Why do ya say that?" Applebloom asked.
"Their names sound so stupid I'm surprised their parents didn't have an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity."
"Hey, uh, Audrey? Don't suppose you could help us with Tiara and Silver?" Scootaloo asked.
"Why not. So, you wanted them charbroiled, or steam fried?" Audrey asked, her hand lighting up in a purple aura.
"What do ya mean, charbroiled?" Applebloom asked.
"I was questioning you on how roasted you like your stuck up bitch." Audrey elaborated, earning a round of ahhs from the fillied.
"WAIT! You were going to kill them!" Sweetie Belle suddenly exclaimed.
"Yeah, so what? I've done worse for less."
"How can ya think killing 'em'll solve the problem."
"They can't be bitches to you if they're dead."
"B-b-but that's wrong! And the guards'll arrest ya!" Applebloom pleaded.
"Fiiiiiine, but only because I want to get a coffee later, and having to explain why I'm soaked in the blood of the town guard would be a bitch to try and explain away." Audrey said, the aura around her hand dissipating.
"Well well well, if it isn't the three blank flanks!" Diamond Tiara sneered, for it was clearly her. Who else would wear an obviously fake tiara around like it was normal?
"Yeah, you worthless blank flanks! What are you doing here, shouldn't you be out failing." Silver Spoon, named by process of elimination, said.
"We jus' saved the town!" Applebloom growled.
"I doubt a bunch of blank flanks like you could pull off something like that!" Diamond Tiara jeered.
"Help us out here, Audrey!" Scootaloo begged.
"Fine, but you're buying me a coffee later." Audrey said. Standing up she walked over to Diamond Tiara and crouched in front of her, getting in eye level of the filly. "Tiara, can I call you Tiara?" Audrey asked, receiving a nod. "Excellent. Now then, Tiara, you little munchkin you. WHAT THE FUCK GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TREAT OTHERS AS LOWER THAN YOU BASED UPON AN ARBITRARY IDEOGRAM MAGICALLY APPARATED ONTO YOUR SHOULDER!" Audrey boomed, shattering most of the windows in town, and temporarily deafening the five fillies around her, even knocking over Sweetie Belle and Diamond Tiara from the sheer force. After a few minutes of waiting for Diamonds hearing to return Audrey continued. "So, what do you have to say for yourself?" Audrey politely asked.
"My Daddy is going to sue you for everything you own!" Diamond screeched.
"I'm assuming that's your house over there, right?" Audrey asked, pointing to a rather large mansion in the distance.
"Yes it is, but someone as poor as you could never hope to get near it, let alone enter it!" Diamond smugged.
"You sure about that? Coz all I see is a pile of burning rubble." Audrey said, snapping Diamond out of her bitchiness. Looking towards where her house once stood, Diamond broke down and began weeping.
"Why? Why are you doing all this to me?!" Diamond begged.
"Because you need from severe attitude adjustments, otherwise I'll come back in fifteen years and kill you. Now snap out of it." Audrey declared, flicking Diamond in the forehead and making her fall on her backside in terror. Around her, Scootaloo, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Silver Spoon were watching in worry as Diamond appeared to suddenly break down in tears before Audrey flicked her in the head, none knowing what had caused the bully to freak out upon making eye contact.
"What did you do?" Sweetie Belle asked in wonder.
"I merely temporarily projected my will over hers and caused a psychologically hallucination of her life being ruined. Ya know, your standard bully breaking tactic." Audrey said with a shrug. Waving off the trio, Audrey sat back down on the bench and gazed at nothing in particular. After several minutes of doing nothing much, her vision was enveloped by an enraged looking matronly figure.
"Would you mind explaining why my student is claiming you assaulted her?" The woman asked in an angry tone.
"She was being an unforgiving bitch, so I decided to perform some attitude adjustments on her, I'd say they worked out rather well, though that remains to be proven by empirical data."
"What gives you the right to treat my students like that?"
"The overwhelming power contained in my right hand?" Audrey offered.
"What?"
"EH, it's an anime thing. You wouldn't get it."
"Oh, so just because I don't watch those nonsensical animations imported from neighpon, I'm somehow beneath you?"
"Okay, let me stop you right there. Where is neighpon, and what's its population?"
"Like I'd tell you something like that after how you my student."
"It's okay, I'll go look it up in an atlas later. As for your other point. You're not beneath me because you don't watch anime."
"Oh, glad to see you have some semblance of civility."
"You're beneath me because you're inferior in every way." Audrey finished.
"You are just the worst person on the planet."
"I try. Now then, I'm off to go find Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom. They owe me a coffee for dealing with their bullying problems." Audrey said as she stood up and walked away from the woman.
"H-hey! Don't you just ignore me like that! I'll have you arrested for child abuse, you monster!" The woman shouted after Audrey, getting the one finger salute as a parting gift. "How could someone become such a callous bitch in this day and age?" The woman said aloud, a fist sized rock then embedded itself in a tree next to her. Looking in the direction it came from, she saw Audrey standing in the middle of the main road. Looking closer, the woman saw Audrey point two fingers at her eyes and than at her, causing the woman to gulp in fear.
Back in town, Audrey was looking for a place that looked like it sold decent coffee, having immediately dismissed the Java Bean Coffee Shop and Cyanide Store. Spotting a gingerbread house, she shrugged and set off towards it, deciding that a ginger bread house would at least have decent coffee in it for her to pillage. Unless the owners had no sense of taste for bitterness. Entering the building she beheld a pudgy looking woman standing behind the counter.
"You guys sell coffee?" Audrey asked as she approached the counter.
"No." The woman replied.
"I'm out then." Audrey then said, pivoting on her foot and leaving.
"Wait." The woman called out. "If you want coffee, why didn't you go to Java Bean Coffee Shop and Cyanide Store."
"Because cyanide and coffee are not the greatest of mixes. Plus, even if I can metabolise cyanide with no after-effects, I hate the taste of almonds."
"What're you on about with after effects? Cyanide is merely a cheap flavouring ingredient."
"No, cyanide is a highly lethal poison with no known cure."
'I don't know where you got your information, but cyanide is perfectly safe!"
"I'm not going to even bother. This is like trying to argue with a member of the west borro baptist church, a complete waste of time and an eventual murder charge." Audrey sighed as she left the store. "Great, so much for having a coffee. Might as well start burning things."
"You there! You're under arrest for harming a minor." A guard called out as he approached Audrey.
"And I'll start with you." Audrey smiled sinisterly.
"Wha-" The guard managed to get out before bursting into flames. Staring at the scene in shock none of the ponies reacted in time to escape from the carnage that would ensue.
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Audrey: Look at you! So proud! Yet you're crying like a woman!
Snowflake: I AM A WOMAN!
...
Audrey: What...
Snowflake: I said I AM a woman!
Audrey:... WHAT?!
*30 min later*
Snowflake: And that's how I was voted the most beautiful, and fertile, women in my home town... Before you blew it up
Audrey: Yeah, I tend to do that, also Uuuuaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Snowflake: So now you know the truth
Audrey: yes, and now I'm gong to start suppressing the truth... starting with killing you
Bye bye Ponyville.
5018752 Because I had a cold. I'll write chapter four later.
5016978 I KNOW I've seen that somewhere before. But where?
Good story.
As Nappa from the DBZ abbrided would probably say "I'm WATCHING (HAUNTING) YOU (THIS STORY)."
5019401
Java Bean Coffee Shop and Cyanide Store.
Its a good store, they hardly EVER mix up their stock!
5019401
"Hang on a moment, my bitch sense is tingling." Licking a finger Audrey held it up in the air for a few seconds before pivoting and pointing in a direction. "And there's two of them of there."
I want to have this power.......
behold! the number of fucks she does not give!
this should be fun to watch...