MLP: FiM
Getting to Know You
Chapter 1
St. Filly was the gateway city to the west. A smaller city compared to ones like Manehatten or Fillydelphia but still just as full of life and active. Playbitz, who had a tan coat, black mid length mane and two toned black and tan wings, had grown so used to the city; it had lost most of its appeal, though to the pegasus it never really mattered very much. Standing on top of a small cloud just outside the city, a young stallion was daydreaming again much like he usually did on his lazy days of working with the city’s weather control. Sure, he enjoyed his job but sometimes he felt that he was being under-challenged and that there was just more to life than waking up, going to work, coming home and maybe getting together with a friend or two. All in all the pegasus felt a bit stuck.
Playbitz decided he had been lounging around enough and needed to get back to work. He trotted in place for a bit to get his blood flowing again while he stretched out his wings. Then with a quick spring in his step, he sprang into the air and took off into the sky.
“You do realize there is such a thing as a day off right?” a soft pink pegasus mentioned as Playbitz landed nearby on the weather team’s city command center.
“I don’t have one of those for at least another few days. Besides, I was just on a break and may have gotten a ---” Playbitz had looked up from where he landed and something had caught his eye.
The other pegasus, Dusk, was looking at her charts for the day. She was trying to focus on making sure her teams were spread out right when she noticed Playbitz had stopped talking. She looked up to him as she started to speak. “You know, it’s polite to actually finish your---“ she noticed that something had Playbitz’s full attention in the sky. “Just what is so fascinating that has you--- Oh my!” She had looked up to see what he was gawking at while she was trying to convey basic speech to PB when finally noticed exactly what had Playbitz attention. Off in the distance, a very large black cloud was growing. The cloud crackled with electricity as the sheer size of the storm made both ponies freeze in disbelief.
Dusk quickly shook her head. She tore her attention from the oncoming storm to her charts, flipping through them quickly and then dropping the clipboard as she looked back up at the storm. “That’s not one of ours.”
It was another sunny day in Ponyville. The town itself was relatively busy with all of its inhabitants going about their day; one in particular was making her way down the main street, headed for a small music shop.
As she entered the store, the doorbell chimed, alerting the stallion in the front that someone was there. “Hey Copper, I’m back.” the female unicorn said cheerily as she made her way to the counter.
The older stallion smiled through his bushy mustache at his employee’s upbeat demeanor. He was an older earth pony with an amber coat with specks of grey, and a dark grey mane and tail. It had been a while since he had opened this music shop in Ponyville. While most days in the past were no problem for the strapping stallion, as he got a bit older, he found that he would need some help minding the store. He had finally admitted to himself that he wasn’t as young as he used to be and put out an ad asking for help with his music shop.
Copper thought himself lucky and maybe even a bit blessed when a brown unicorn trotted into his little shop and asked if he had any open positions. It was rare to find good help, but even rarer to find ones whose passions matched his so well. Even her cutie mark was that of a heart with a music note going through it. He shook his head and looked up at the unicorn as she was tidying up the counter a bit readying herself for another day minding the store. “It’s good to have ya back Bliss. Did you have a good morning?”
Siren Bliss was humming to herself a bit while she checked to make sure she had the necessary items needed to finalize a sale at the shop when she heard Copper’s question. “Oh yeah, It was quite alright actually. I really appreciate the sleep-in you gave me there.”
“Well, you worked pretty late last night getting the inventory redone, I figured I owed you at least that much,” Copper said as he placed a box of pamphlets on the counter. After letting out a slow sigh, a sign of his older age showing, he walked back to his small office in the back. “Oh, by the way Bliss!”
Bliss looked over to the vacant entryway to the back as she answered Copper. “Yeah?”
Copper came back up for the front and placed a small sheet on the counter. “I need you to try getting a few ponies signed up to this,” He emphasized tapping the sheet in front of Bliss.
She looked at the sheet, which was just a page that said “Sign Up” on the top, and had numbered lines in the body. “What’s this for?” she said as her horn gave off its violet glow, picking up the sheet and turning it to be easier for her to read.
“That would be the signup sheet for the singing competition,” Copper nodded. “We’re holding the competition in front of town hall, and the winner will get a trip to Canterlot to perform before the Wonderbolt celebration.”
Bliss set the page down and looked up to Copper with a smile. “Fair enough, I’ll try my best to find a couple talented singers,” she grinned sheepishly and went about organizing the day’s records behind the counter again, writing a note on what needed to be restocked. She slowly came to a stop when she realized that she was being glared at. “What?”
Copper replied while he nudged the pen to her. “You know darn well what, missy. I’ve heard you sing. Shoot, a lot of ponies have heard you sing. Your name should be the first on this list,” He kept his glare on her for a bit longer, waiting for a response.
“I understand what you mean Copper. But all the other times, it was for fun … I don’t know,” Bliss trailed off a bit as she put a hoof behind her neck nervously. “What if they say I’m not any good?”
Copper’s glare softened as he gave her a smile “I know for a fact that your amazing,” He then turned to leave the shop, but just before he left he leaned back into the door. “And I look forward to the day that the rest of the world finds that out too.”
Bliss hid her face behind one of the boxes on the counter, only her eyes peeking over the top as Copper left. She hid her face from showing the obvious blush caused by the compliment from the old stallion. She slowly stood up again and looked back at the sheet, staring at it for a brief moment while thinking. Then with a barely audible sigh, she turned away from it to continue her inventory work.
“What do you think you’re doing over there!? Get to your position or get grounded!” Bitz yelled out to a dazed blue pegasus. “You need to take the outer edges and start bringing them in!” This wasn’t going to end very well.
While Dusk had been talking to Playbitz earlier, he had looked up in the sky to see something approaching and growing like spilled ink over the blue sky. Black clouds were spreading out of control. While Playbitz wasn’t a weather manager, he knew that any storm would have been talked about in a weather meeting, or at the very least been a lot more contained than this monster was. As soon as Dusk had looked up to see what Bitz had noticed, he immediately told her to call in the other weather teams and tell them that somehow a rogue storm had brewed.
While there weren’t many rogue storms that came about, Bitz was one that knew a decent bit about them. How the winds could and would shift at any second, how to recover in a crosswind and how to deal with lightning. Most of the time, the rogue storm would develop a pattern, a way for nature to balance out its chaotic outburst. All Bitz needed to do was find the pattern, then using a quick burst of speed, suck out its feeding source of power, which in a storm’s case would be the spot where cold and warm air met.
Bitz wasn’t ever known for his speed in flight. To compensate, he knew how to use the air currents for stronger flight. Using the wind, he could triple his wing strength, which would give him an added burst of speed at half the effort.
He flew up a bit to try and find the soft spot of the storm. All he needed was to find it, glide in and then send the faster flyers in to disrupt the airflow, which then made the storm split apart.
The winds were getting worse and worse, it was taking more and more effort just to stay in the air as he was trying to find the soft spot. “Come on. Where are you? You have to be around here somewhere.”
With each passing moment, the storm seemed to be growing stronger, as well as spreading out further and further. As Bitz was struggling to keep his altitude and find the weak spot, he looked down just in time to see one of the younger members of the team trying to mimic his tactic. Sadly for her, she lacked the experience and was quickly pulled into the storm with a startling scream.
“QUICKSHADE!” Bitz yelled out. On impulse he wanted to jump in after her where she had gone in. Not a good idea, a move like that would throw him off balance and he would quickly lose track of what was up and down.
Bitz instead looked up, and took off to go higher. “Hang on Shade, I’m coming!” he yelled out as he tucked in his wings and allowed himself to fall into the storm.
The world was nothing but a chaotic blend of loud wind, wet rain, and panic. Quickshade was in full panic. She tried as hard as she could to flap her wings, but all that seemed to do was make her dizzier, and the stinging rain wasn’t making things any better. “I… I CAN’T DO THIS, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!” she yelled out with a sliver of hope somepony heard her.
Bitz was free falling through the storm, the rain stinging him as it whipped across his face by the wind and his free fall. Just as he felt himself start to tumble a bit, he stretched out his wings as far and as hard as he could, trying to cup his wings downward in an attempt to slow his fall, but allow the wind to carry him. “Argh, QUICKSHADE!” he called out.
“HELP ME! I CAN’T SEE WHERE I AM!”
Bitz realized her voice was coming from a bit lower than where he was, which was great. Much easier to catch her than it is to chase her. “Hang on, I’m coming!” he said as he tucked in his wings again, and pointed his front hooves out as if he was trying to physically reach out to the otherwise invisible mare in the dark cloud.
“Shade! Keep talking to me, I need to hear you!”
“I don’t want to fall! Bitz I’m so scared, what should I dooo--- AHHHEEEPPP!!!” Quickshade started to panic, but was startled by Bitz touching her hind hooves and holding on.
“Pull your legs to you to pull me in closer. Keep your wings folded!” he yelled out as she did exactly what he told her to do and allowed him to grab hold of her fully. “Ok, now hang on and don’t move!” he yelled out to her as he again flexed out his wings and cupped them. He was going to carry the both of them using the storm as a means of lift.
The winds were tossing the two of them around a little bit, but Bitz was holding strong. He gritted his teeth. Holding out his wings like this for short periods wasn’t too bad. Hell, even for longer glides it wasn’t as hard but with the weight of two while trying to keep them open in this storm, he felt like he couldn’t keep his wings open. “Listen, I can’t keep us stable for too much longer. I need you to do exactly as I say. Stay calm, and take a deep breath. We’re going to drop and when I tell you to, spread and hold out your wings as hard as you can. Don’t let up … ok?”
Quickshade didn’t move, but she yelled out nervously “Okay. I’m ready!”
Bitz took in a breath and folded in his wings. “Here we go!”
The two ponies held tight to each other as they were tossed by the winds. Slowly falling, picking up more speed, the wind rustling past their manes as the storm lashed out around them with strikes of lightning and bursts of strong winds. The free fall tickled at Bitz’s stomach making him fight the instinctual urge to catch himself with his wings. He struggled to keep them open, the wind making his eyes water.
“Ugh, perfect time to lose my vision!!” he cursed to himself.
“W-What did you say?” Shade managed to shakily yell out.
While Bitz was used to doing more free falls, Quickshade most likely had hardly any experience with it. Especially with her being new to the weather team, so that feeling of vertigo and fear that Bitz was feeling had to be the absolute worst for poor Shade. “Hang on Shade, just a little … more. We’re going . . . to be ok.”
As Bitz was thinking of a way to enforce his statement, he felt a rush of what felt like pushing your head out of water, the feeling of cooler air, the calmness of not getting thrown around. It was almost comforting, as if the air was cradling the two as they continued to fall.
Bitz still had his eyes closed and was starting to lose himself in the comforting feeling. After what he had just been through, he yearned for this feeling of comfort, it was so comfortable and … and… Something was wrong. In a panic, he forced his eyes open to see they had cleared the storm above, but they were still falling very fast. He looked down to see a thicket of the woods approaching and he had to act fast.
He threw out his wings, cupping them hard but knew that the landing was going to be very hard. Time slowed down just enough for him to think. He was falling, with a very scared mare under him, waiting for him to give her word to open her wings, but if she did, it wouldn’t matter. They were too close to the ground to make any effort to stop.
The next thing to cross his mind as his body was that; Quickshade was closer to the ground, and when they hit the trees she would be the one to cushion the landing. He couldn’t live with himself if he let that happen. As he was thinking, his body and wings instinctively twisted and turned to put her on top.
The pain of hitting the branches only lasted for a brief moment. As soon as Bitz felt the contact, he curled his wings around Quickshade, he knew nothing else mattered right then but her safety. The two made contact with the tops of the trees. The branches and limbs scratching and breaking against Bitz’s body as he winced but kept his eyes closed and his hold on Shade tight.
It was getting to be nearly too much to bear when it finally all stopped. He felt the cushion of something soft, wet, and cold. Bitz opened his eyes and looked around quickly. The two had stopped falling and were on the ground. Shade was shivering in his grasp, but she was ok. He could hear voices yelling out to them but it wasn’t registering. It all felt like a bad dream.
Bitz looked up to the sky, seeing the storm cloud pass overhead, and then four small figures on its outer edge. Two of the figures shot off with what sounded like a sonic boom directly into the storm, but before he could see what happened next, Bitz’s vision faded.
"Bitz? BITZ?! PLAYBITZ??!?"
Nice job! You've really cleaned it up I hope you continue the fic and continue to make it a good read
Thanks for keeping my involvement on the down low... Calm's probably gonna come up in here and say stuff anyway though
4654051
Still learning how to use the site so as I learn I'm sure Ill link the right way n all. I appreciate the help.
While they were small, the changes helped keep the flow going.
Dang! not bad as well as some awesome action right off the bat!
Honestly this was the perfect thing to read right before writing an action sequence in my own story, thanks for giving me some action fuel
Onto the technical notes. You have improved greatly. There are still some things i'll point out:
There are a few spots where the paragraphs weren't properly spaced, this happens to me a lot too especially if you transfer from a word document, always look through the paragraphs briefly before submission.
Also, i'm not sure if this is really a rule so much as it is a preference, but whenever a new character speaks it's generally better to have their dialogue begin a new paragraph. You don't have two characters speaking in the same paragraph anywhere (which is right) but having each new character dialogue start a paragraph makes the characters even more separate and easier to differentiate.
quick example, when bliss is talking to her boss you have:
New paragraph, stuff stuff stuff. "Yeah."
The way i'm refering to would look like this:
New paragraph, stuff stuff stuff reference to Bliss
"Yeah."
4654051 If i'm wrong about this from an editing viewpoint please punch me in the gut for writing this long explaination
honestly i think it looks fine the way you have it here because it's a simple "yeah.", but there were some cases where i was surprised because a character spoke in the middle of a paragraph suddenly. it takes away from both the descriptions and the dialogue.
Description is meant to paint the picture of what's happening and Dialogue is meant to put emphasis on how the character is handling the situation, especially when you are in an action scene.
But seriously... GREAT JOB. I really did get into it and the action scene was awesome
You're the first writer i've ever really gone the extra mile to help out and to see such drastic improvement... well... it makes me feel fuzzy
keep it up, you're doing great
4655727
No, you're right, but it would have required a drastic overhaul in his writing style, and I didn't want to say it in fear of sounding like a jerk it can be distracting. Whenever you have dialogue, it is customary to give it it's own pararagraph.
Sorry for not pointing it out earlier Playbitz, but again, I thought it would make me sound mean...
4655783
like i said back when you started editing for me,
To writers: the best editors are harsh editors
its better to point out even the little things then to just let them be. Trust me, we appreciate it
4655808
But how should I know if a writer takes critique well? I'm better off being careful with my work and giving them little bits at a time, kind of like how I started with you on FSH
4655826
true, well... i can guarantee you Play won't mind, especially after the super large guide to story building i drew up for him. He certainty didn't go: "jeez forget this" he took it and improved
Alright let's leave it at that, i don't want to clog his notification box and give him false excitement about getting so many comments
4655832
4655826
So many notifications
Nah, tis all good. My writing style is a bit haphazard as I'm having to switch styles from the narrative such as here, to technical with a GDD *game design document* and then even throwing in a Pitch doc which is a whole different type of beast BUT I'm not making an excuse for myself.
I appreciate all the help that the both of you have given me. I'm sure that itll still take a bit of forging to get my writing style down right. I know that the next few chapters will prob have similar mistakes but my aim is to improve as I go. Slowly my improvements will become second nature as I continue and blah blah blah you know what I mean
I got a good charge from reading your comment about my action sequence. This is barely the tip of the ice burg when it comes to whats in store for the action in the story. It'll take a bit of time but I think that you, and other readers, will really enjoy what I have in store.
4655943
i look forward to it
4655783
Its no worries and believe me, I appreciate the subtle/slow approach. Allows me to learn while I go instead of feeling degraded. BUT in all honesty, its a learning experience.
If I didn't want criticism, I would never post a story online. Art comes in all sorts of forms and listening to even the smallest of comments helps the art grow.
The hardest challenge I have is getting all that awesomeness that I see in my head onto paper but written in a way that coherent and readable. I can easily come up with specific scenes but its the challenge of coming up with how events lead up to those scenes which make the story.
One of the greatest things I learned from some of my family members, and even people Ive met over the years is that a story teller only let his imagination soar when spinning their tales. you know, unless its a true story. In that case, try not to let the imagination run too wild
4656009
Well, thanks to Calm, that little dialogue bomb has been dropped early... so now you know...
4656017
it shall be remembered for the future!
Oh, honey, this is awesome!
I love the action sequence and your storytelling is really attention grabbing!
Can't wait for the next chapter!
Did you have a plan for when you'd have your next chapter done? Just trying to figure out when to be ready...
4663391
I'm going to try to get something going this weekend.
4663403
Sounds good.
And you were in on that malicious little scheme of Calm's. .. weren't you..? I saw it...
4663406
I'm completely innocent! Though just so you know that now since I know what both y'alls OC looks like, something more dastardly may be coming in the pipeline in the future.
4663419
... why do you guys do this to me? I didn't ask for any attention
4663428
lol, true but it kinda happens that way. Heck, your yammering with a dude that could end up just as big if not bigger than Rockstar games
that and your totally our groups Fluttershy
Me like. Looking forward for the next part
4742534
Awesome! Actually writing it as I type here.
This is a really good first chapter. I really enjoyed the action scene here. You did a good job dude.
Cooooooool!!
Very awesome chapter. Can't wait to start reading the next.