"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ANIMAL CARE!!!" the CMC exclaimed as they trotted out of school. Scootaloo hopped onto her scooter parked along the fence and began pushing it along by buzzing her wings.
"Ok girls, I'll see you at Fluttershy's cottage. I'll go ask her if it's alright if we can take care of some of her animals," Scootaloo called out to Apple bloom and Sweetie belle as she started to push the scooter along to the pegusus' cottage. While she rode through along the streets of Ponyville, she noticed a filly smiling and laughing with an older similar looking mare, who Scootaloo assumed was her mother. She braked her ride for a moment and stared at the pair sadly.
"If only I knew my mommy, it's to bad whoever she is... is dead," Scootaloo thought to herself. "I wonder what mom looked like? Did she look like me? Was she kind or is she mean? Who knows...? If only I had a picture of her or at least a note, so that at I can have something from her. Why did she leave me at an orphanage? Was I just nothing to her? Was I not perfect for her? Oh Mommy, I wish could find you..."
Right in the middle of the street, Scootaloo began to cry. Ponies glanced at her with a puzzled look in their eyes, but they did nothing to help. Someponies even appeared to whispering and pointing her out, but Scootaloo didn't care about their gossip, she just sat on her scooter, crying by herself, until a gentle hoof touched her on her shoulder. Scootaloo turned to see a pale yellow mare patting her back. Fluttershy's face looked just as miserable as her own. She wondered why the mare looked so sad. Was Fluttershy upset over her, or some other pony?
"I-Is everything alright, Scootaloo?" Fluttershy whispered to Scootaloo in a comforting voice, putting a hoof to Scootaloo's cheek and wiping the filly's tears.
"It's alright Fluttershy, I'm just not feeling well today.."
Fluttershy sighed and asked her, "So what are you doing then?"
Scootaloo cheered up a bit when she remembered why she was racing through the town.
"Oh yeah, I was going to your cottage to check if Apple Bloom, Sweetie Bell and I could try to get our cutie mark for animal care. Is it ok if we use some of your animals?"
Fluttershy smiled warmly at Scootaloo, it made her happy to see other ponies interested in animals.
"Ok. That is fine with me, maybe I can give you girls some tips on how to take care of them. Just, um, make sure they're alright at all times, I wouldn't want anyone or anypony getting hurt."
Scootaloo eyes grew bigger at the thought of Fluttershy's offer, to have the best animal expert in all of Equestria help her and her friends, she gave the pegasus an enthusiastic yes.
It was not to long before Scootaloo and Fluttershy reached her cottage. Animals were everywhere eating what was left of their lunch. Right in front of them, Angel Bunny munched on half of a carrot, gobbling most of it down in a few seconds.
"Oh Angel, please don't eat your carrot too fast, you'll get a tummy ache." Fluttershy begged, walking over to pat the bunny.
However, Angel glanced at Fluttershy angrily and dashed off towards the garden.
"Oh Angel, wait! It's not time to play yet.. Angel!" Fluttershy cried out to Angel picking up rest of the carrot in her hoof and started to run after the bunny, but turned back to Scootaloo. "Scootaloo can you wait for me inside my cottage, please. I will not be long. Oh Angel Bunny, get back here!"
Scootaloo nodded her head and walked around the cottage. The filly was surround by animals. There was some squirrels and mice eating acorns, a giant bear (which she tried to avoid), goats, and a dozen chickens to name a few. Looking around Scootaloo saw a seat on the couch in the den (quite literally a den in Fluttershy's case). She walked over to it, in doing so she accidentally clipped a mouse's tail with her hoof. With a loud "SQUEAK" from the mouse, it caused Scootaloo to loose her balance and trip into a bookcase. The case rocked, but remained standing, to Scootaloo's relief. However, as the filly rubbed her bruised head, a book from the wobbling shelf plopped onto her lap. The book was a light brown and medium sized, but huge compared to the books Scootaloo would read at her age. Although for a fully grown pony, it was not too thick or too skinny, but just what an average pony would read in a whole afternoon or ten minutes in the case of a local purple princess. Curious, Scootaloo opened the book and to her surprise it was a photo album. On the first page was a picture of a newborn filly with a mess of pink mane and yellow fur, embroidered in a white lace and labeled "Baby's First Picture".
"Is that Fluttershy?" Scootaloo thought to herself.
She turned the page to see the same filly except slightly older and with similar looking older mare, who also had pink hair and yellow fur, but instead lacked wings and a cutie mark of three pink flowers. The mare in the picture was smiling broadly and holding the filly in the air with her hooves.
"I guess that's Fluttershy's mother."
Scootaloo turned a few more pages to see Fluttershy with another filly around her age, who had light cyan fur and a distinct rainbow mane. Immediately, Scootaloo recognized the filly as her hero, Rainbow Dash. She continued to flip through pages and more pictures of Fluttershy's childhood, some of flight school (there was very few of them compared to the other pages), until she turned to a picture of a pregnant Fluttershy
"Wait," she thought to herself, "Fluttershy was pregnant? Why have I never seen her filly or colt?"
Confused, Scootaloo turned the page to a picture Fluttershy in a hospital bed, holding a foal in her hooves. The mare was smiling although appearing a bit tired, but what caught Scootaloo's eyes was the filly's appearence. The baby in Fluttershy's hooves had light orange fur and a darker purple mane. The filly was asleep in the picture, but had a smile of her face, as if she was happy to be with her mother. Scootaloo turned the last page frantically, only to be met with a family tree which followed several generations. The names above were not important to her, but at the bottom was Fluttershy being connected by a line with a name was scratched out and couldn't be read, the line turned downwards and pointed to-
Suddenly, there was a loud "CRASH" coming from the back door. Scootaloo turned to see Fluttershy with a terrified look on her face. There are carrots, acorns, and different types of plants, seeds, and an empty bowl all over the floor. Shaking, Fluttershy slowly made her way over to Scootaloo and put a hoof on the filly's shoulder.
"Scootaloo, I-" Fluttershy began to explain, but was cut off by the filly innocently glancing up at her and asking,
"M-Mommy?"
.
... Go on.
4760741 I'll have the next chapter sometime this week. Most likely Wed or Thurs
fluttercord4ever i have a question why dose this chapter say it was put up on 23rd Jul 2014
4760790 LOL I have no clue.
4760807 ok lol and please make a lot of chapters for this story
4760810 ok. i'll try
4760819 yeah and what to you mean by i'll try
4760827 idk how long this story is going to be. maybe 3, 4 chapters.
4760859 ok and can't you add more chapters then 3 or 4 chapters for this story
4760869 i'll see what i can do.
4760877 ok and if you can't add more then 3 or 4 chapters for this story then you can always make a sequel for this story that has a lot of chapters in it with Slice of Life tag
4760902 i could make a sequel in the future.
4760914 ok and please make a sequel for this story in the future once this story is complete
4760924 ok.
4760928 yeah
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0dyhaGQV41r9x0sdo1_500.gif
4761092 lol i could stare at that for days ans just laugh
Color me intrigued, well written start can't wait to see where you go from here
4761159 Aww thanks.
i love this story i need more!!!!!!
A tad rushed,but still great /\_/\ just needs better grammar/spelling. I still loved it :D
The notion certainly is interesting, but serious problems hold this fic back to a phenemonal degree.
The first point, and probably most critical, is pacing. Yes, it is hard to think up words to make the story go at a set pace, but until you do so you are going to get nowhere as a writer. Read your work out loud. Let me repeat that: read your work out loud. This is the absolute best way to come to a better understanding of how it sounds to the reader and how you can help them follow the plot threads you are setting up. Not to mention that you are clearly setting up a scenario that you want to happen and not building up the tension as is necessary. The plot here exists not as a natural progression of events but as a way for you to get to the bits you want to happen. None of the characters are doing much of what they would do.
Second is voice. The characters are misutilized here, and it shows. Other than a cliché catchphrase nothing you write here sounds like the CMC. Even from the very title itself, does Scootaloo seem like the type who would use the word "mommy?" Personally, I think that in just about any circumstance something more akin to "mom" or (if you're feeling rustic) "ma" would fit the filly better. Keep in mind that if you want your characters to come alive they have to be real, and the only way you can do that is to make them real on the page.
With both the above in mind I would suggest a heaping helping of tone in your work, to. Read aloud: "The swordsman drew his sword." First of all, it feels awkward on the tongue. Not only that, but it feel repetitious and dry. Compare: "Standing resolute, the skilled blademaster reached to his back and with the slight keening of metal drew his sword". Feels better, sounds cooler, and creates atmosphere that wouldn't exist otherwise. The key to this (and the key to good writing in general) is attention to detail. Don't bog down your work with detail after detail, but even if you are not addressing them they need to be there. The story needs to be real, and you need to make it real, and knowing all the details, then knowing which ones you should present to your audience is the most important part of this.
I would suggest you work on that to begin with. Hell, I'll favorite this story if you like so I can measure your improvement if you ask me to. There is whole lot to storycraft, but starting with pacing, voice, and tone are the building blocks to being a fantastic writer.
“Mother” by MrConradThe Duck ????????
Cute... no adorable. Awwwww
4762301 what do you mean?
A little fast paced and could use some corrections and what not, but a good concept all the same. I look forward to seeing where you take this. (^__^)
I like it. keep it up. Fav and like.
I like the idea, but it needs a lot of work. 4761619 did a really good job of explaining most of the problems with this fic, just something to think about to really make this fic great. Also it could use a little more editing, there were a lot of mistakes. I'll give it a fave, because I really like the idea of this story, and I really do hope to see it improve over the next few chapters.
This popped into my head from just the description:
fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/290/2/8/sorry_i_couldnt_be_there_for_you_by_matty4z-d6qs01n.png
*eye twitch*
Okay, first off... This feels very OOC for Scootaloo... She would not allow herself to cry in public. Scootaloo doesn't do "sappy". It's "uncool". Second, there are several contradictions in this bit of dialogue. First, Scoots says that her mom is dead, but then wonders if she was left at the orphanage because she was unwanted. Which is it? Third, don't just say what a character is doing (i.e. "trying her best not to cry")... You need to show us through their actions. Paint a picture of the scene using your words. Show us how the look she gives is sad.
As one of my previous English teachers used to say... "Don't just say that the lady screamed. Bring her out on stage and let her do it herself."
4763043 that is how I got the idea.
4763179 what he said. Also, everything's just too damn zippy. Set a scene, let us get a feel for what's going on. This is just... Stuff stuff stuff, really fast, no building, no breathing.
Finally! I've heard of this idea of Fluttershy being Scoot's mom so many times but there are so little fics! I am defiantly reading this later.
THERE MUST BE MORE!!!
4763443 there's a fair number of them.
4760752 this isn't bad, you may want to find an editor as I counted more than a few mistakes and work a little more on show don't tell
4761171
not a problem
No.
4763522 i agree with you big time
4764936
4764987
To effectively communicate with other human beings you're going to need a bit more than a sideways face.
4765023 ok
Out of nowhere Scootaloo wonders about her mother. Not to completely harp on you but it feels forced. If wrote this I would make Scootaloo look at some happy (or maybe some unhappy) families.
4761619 This here. This is fantastic advice to all new authors.
4765081 Well she see ONE.
4767484 Thank you for the advice and yes this is in some ways is the prologue. Also thank you for believing in me.
4767718 I find it enjoyable looking at the pictures and videos. I am glad you liked my story
4767923 dude the sooner you make the next chapter is when I go back to being sain
4767484 I just want to tell you right now that that is not how criticism works. Telling someone that they can't criticize something when they can't prove that they can do better is a bullshit argument. Do you think critics for video games actually make video games themselves? No, not many do. If there are some out there who do, I haven't heard of them.
Criticism is given so that the content creators can improve, and not just to spew hatred. If something has flaws, then those flaws should be apparent. Grammatical issues are still issues, and for some they make the story tougher to read and understand. These problems are not the readers' faults, but the author's.
4767484
Criticism is a great way to improve if the creator of the thing criticized isn't totally immature. And I encourage the writer to go on. Even if this turns out a failure (which with a start like this you have to do it intentionally) he could still learn from it.
No doubt about that.
I'm a bed critic, thank very much. Actually I'm not that much of a critic, and I'm only a jerk to friends.
And want to me to do a Fluttershy is Scootaloo mother story? Well it's sort of a different take, and based on someone else's story but expended upon.
You had only to click on my name to find it out.
If I truly was an armchair critic I would have no stories, instead of the current eleven.
Here it is: Fluttershy's Second Greatest Secret
P.S. I wasn't comparing this story to before you start accusing.