Favors
Favors
01
Twilight Sparkle stood in front of the first bookcase in the library, titled "Fiction Books A-F". She decided to spend this day cleaning up and decorating the library, as she forgot to clean up her own mess after helping with the Winter Wrap Up. Excellent. With spring in company, she decided her library needed it to show. Earlier that week, Fluttershy insisted that Twilight take a couple spring flower decorations for the library; it was her favorite season, and she loved for it to be everywhere. Twilight brought up four bouquets of flowers effortlessly with her magic, and sent them all to different parts of the library - two on the main desk, one on a table, and one at the foot of the staircase that led to her room. Even though it was a simple task, she wished Spike were here to give her some company. He was staying the week over at one of his friend's houses in Canterlot. She had just finished putting them perfectly in place, then all of a sudden she heard the sound much unlike a bullet, accelerating faster towards her general direction in the distance. She realized it was getting louder and louder, then - CRASH!
Twilight stared in shock at the huge, gaping hole in the side of her room, still smoking as if a huge bullet had just pierced right through it. On any other day, she would have used her magic to fix it, but her magic felt weak after helping Applejack clear the apple tree acres while she was sick.
The blue pegasus was propped up against the opposite wall of the hole, a small bookcase and a multitude of books covering her face and upper body. Honestly...
"Ow." Rainbow Dash said, still managing to laugh. "I think I hurt my left wing. And hey Twi, what's up?" Twilight just stared at her, offering but a small grunt. Another voice cut through the air, apparently surprised as much as Twilight was at the not uncommon sight of the crashing prismatic pegasus.
"Hey Twi-light! Hey Dashie!" Twilight turned her head around, and to no surprise, Pinkie Pie was in the doorway. She wasn't in the mood for this.
"Hey Pinkie!" Dash smiled. Twilight simply offered an unimpressed, blank stare.
"Why so glum, you silly willy filly!" she cried ecstatically, in her usual Pinkie Pie-esque manner. "Come on, I'm throwing a 'Winter Wrap Up Two Week Anniversary Party! It could help you take your mind off that huge hole in the wall!" Rainbow laughed and nodded.
Was she serious? That was one of Pinkie's stupidest reasons to throw a party. Well, except for the "A Week After Last Week's Party" party. It's fine, she mused, appeasing to the bubble gum pony. It was for the best that she calmed down and just relax for the time being. Why not? Even though Pinkie's parties are usually just headache-inducing with the loud music, forcefeeding of candy, and extensive amount of party poppers, she decided to go anyway. There couldn't be too much harm in attending. She thought of going as just an act of kindness, but she really did need to take her mind off this. But... she needed to find the book she needed for a certain field research, and study it. Then again, she remembered what Rarity had said to her earlier.
"Twilight, darling, reading isn't the only thing to do in life! Go to a spa, spend time with a close friend, anything!" Rarity was right. Twilight barely got out of the house, and more often than not, it was for errands or to compete in a signature Ponyville event like Winter Wrap Up or The Running of the Leaves.
Pinkie dragged her to her house, all the while rambling on and on about her new party decorations; balloons, streamers, and more candy than anypony can eat. Rainbow said she would get rested becore going, as she went to treat the wing she damaged in the idiotic crash into Twilight's house. How anyone in Equestria could be so perky and happy this early in the morning was beyond anyone of her caliber. Gotta give it to Pinkie Pie for living her life always looking ahead, hyper and energetic. Twilight wished she had the time - let alone a personality - for a life like that. Her boring life was lonely, uneventful, and a good part of it was spent in the library studying.
"We're here!" Pinkie Pie shouted so loudly, Twilight's heart skipped multiple beats and she actually got some air time. "Will you help me put up these streamers and balloons?"
Twilight nodded slowly and made her way, slowly, towards the closet where Pinkie stored the things she needed to pick up. About twenty minutes and seven paragraphs' worth of Pinkie's yelling later, Twilight finally managed to put up the final streamer, sighing in relief. Then, all of a sudden: another crash into the wall next to her. There was a loud crack and two ponies screaming, as the door broke down. She didn't even have to think for a second before she knew who it was. Rainbow Dash crashed into the wall right next to Twilight, throwing her off the ladder. Amazing how anyone can be this inconsiderate and clumsy at the same time.
"Oops," Rainbow Dash said, following up with a chuckle. "Sorry Twi!" She came over to Twilight to come help her up. She gave a disgruntled sigh at the pegasus.
"Dash, you're so silly, crashing into everypony's houses!" Pinkie yelled. "First Twilight's, now mine!?" She tried to keep a serious expression, but the sight of Rainbow Dash crashing into a wall was too much. She eventually burst out laughing, too.
"Hehe, sorry about that again Twi," Rainbow said with a smile. Twilight just shot one of those "you're such an idiot sometimes" looks at Rainbow. She laughed again, but Twilight joined in this time. Rainbow had tripped on a loose floorboard, sending her airborne, and she landed with her stomach right over Twilight's. They both couldn't stop laughing for a couple minutes.
Rainbow got up and pulled Twilight up too. They locked eyes, and Twilight found herself absorbed in the soft gaze of Rainbow's magenta orbs. She blushed. Rainbow Dash felt the same way on the flipside, staring into Twilight's deep indigo eyes. They kept this position for about seven seconds before Rainbow Dash laughed, pulling her up.
~
"Bye Fluttershy, Rarity! Good night!" Pinkie hollered at them as the party ended. Applejack also said she was going to go home- wait. Twilight's home is practically destroyed. She paced the floor nervously. She couldn't stay here, Pinkie is going to be up all night, and Twilight didn't want to be up all night with Pinkie. Fluttershy's cottage was also not an option... Twilight had some issues with certain pets before when she was a filly. She used to babysit various pets, ranging from birds to kittens. Not many of her sessions went well; most of them involved being attacked or unintentionally attacking them. Although Rarity would be delighted to have Twilight as a temporary guest, she had the feeling that she would be overly pampered like the first day of her arrival in Ponyville. She could only imagine the forced sauna treatments and mud baths that ensued.
She considered her last two options; Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Applejack's house wouldn't be the worst option with her great hospitality and friendliness, but there was something about the too-many-people-in-one-house that Twilight didn't like. Rainbow Dash's house would be great; Twilight loved stargazing and her house was in the skies, above the clouds and smoke which ensured a great view of the chilly night sky. She had also thought of Rainbow as one of her closest friends out of the bunch, and always enjoyed her company. Then again, she did need to use that spell that enabled earth ponies to walk on clouds, but that wasn't really a problem, more of a bother. Oh well, it was surely worth it.
"Rainbow Dash!"
"Huh? Oh hey, what's up, Twi?" she asked.
"Would you... Um..." she trailed off. She had never asked a favor like this before. "Would you um... Mind taking me in as a guest for a couple days?" she stammered. She was nervous. The last time she had any interaction with friends this close was a very long time ago in Canterlot, with another one of Princess Celestia's students. "You kind of broke where I'm staying," she explained with a tinge of sarcasm.
"Of course, Twi! You know I'd never leave my friends hanging," she said with a breathtaking smile. "Oh, and I kinda owe you for crashing into your library. Again." Rainbow said with a light chuckle. Twilight gave in, laughing along. She felt her heart flutter with joy. "This is going to be pretty fun, just the two of us!"
I hope it will, Twilight thought happily. I hope it will.
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I am linkin it. Don't forget to mention the magic for walking on clouds and stuff.
this is less a chapter, and more of a short description of one.
Still, a good start, will track for now.
I like this so far, but there's just one thing; Although it does get her in Dash's house, why didn't Twilight ask the rest of her friends? It's possible that she could have asked already, but why not show that?
God damnit Jumpity, Twilight likes Rainbow Dash, that's why she didn't ask anyone else.
This does not read like the build up for a shipping story. It reads like an excuse for one. "Suddenly Celestia boots Twilight from her home with no warning" is not feasible. Even if the beuracracy have the right to boot a Citizen out of their home with no warning and No time to gather possesions, the fact that Twilight is the student of the one issuing the orders and has a nigh instant Magical means of Communication means Twilight would have some Prior knowledge. Secondly, Twilight is inherantly Practical. She wouldn't ask the One freind she has who lives in a home in a place where she's unable to transport herself to and from without something aiding her and has to cast a spell on herself so she won't plummet to a Pulp-y, crater-y demise before asking her 4 OTHER freinds, all of whom live firmly on the ground and would be just as able, if not more so, to accomidate her. Lets run through the list from least to most likely:
Rainbow Dash: Cons: Aforementioned Demise is a possibility, No place to store Spike.
Pros: Allows story to continue as intended Rating: Nessesary
Pinkie Pie: Cons: Lives in a flat above her place of work. No spare rooms, Not her Property, Twi finds her annoying when she spends too much time near her.
Pros: *Shrug* Less likely to cause Demise? At least of the plummeting variety? Rating: Bad
Fluttershy: Pros: Fluttershy'd go out of her way to make sure Twi enjoyed her stay
Cons: Small house, Crowded with animals, Angel bunny, Close to the Everfree, Long walk to town. Rating: Passable
Rarity: Pros: Free trips to the Spa, Likely free Clothing, In the middle of town so any commutes wouldn't be much father than normal.
Cons: Rarity's OCD, Overamouros Dragons
Rating: Possibly not great
Applejack: Pros: Damn good cook, Country Hospitality, House big enough to hold Fifty berjillion Members of the Applefamily (as seen during the reunion), Helping out around the farm as Something to do so she wouldn't go stircrazy but wouldn't nessesarily be Required of her, what with her being a City Slicker and a Bookworm, Big Macintosh to Ogle (if she's not Strictly a Mare's Mare)
Cons: Sleep schedual, MAYBE. (Considering she's the personal student of the sun goddess, it can be assumed she'd be fine with Waking early. She's even shown to wake up before dawn a few times.) *shrug* Can't really think of much else
Rating: Pretty durned good
Maybe spend a few Paragraphs Detailing Why Rainbow is most Logical choice. While Pinkie can be dismissed out of hand, The others need just a little exposition. Maybe Flutsy is treating some sick snakes, Rarity has a massive order and AJ is having another Reunion. Maybe those three won a group trip to Acapulco. Whatever lets you fly your Freak flag as well as keeps your audiance from pointing out plot holes
Take from this comment what you will. In the end though, it's your fic, so have fun with it in any case, no matter what you end up doing.
Lordlyhour, The guy who'd rather write mini-essays instead of sleeping, Away!
How do I fucking pronounce this!?
@LordlyHour - Thanks for the time to put in your feedback. I've taken in consideration your criticism, and I see that some of your points are valid. I guess I do have some more detail to go into ;) I think I'll kick off the third chapter with that, explaining why she was left no choice except Dash.
Should I also go back and revise the reason she cannot stay for the library, or would you guys rather me keep it unchanged? And also, if the former, what suggestions do you have to make it seem more of a reason, rather an excuse?
Thanks for your feedback and support
Edit: Or perhaps instead of explaining in the second chapter, should I also just add some detail in as to why she wouldn't reside with the others?
I'm liking the story so far. Kinda ironic with the story line though, considering that less then 8 hours ago I read a story that was almost identical to this but with the roles reversed.
TERMITE INFECTION! HOW GENIUS, I'M SUPRIRSED NOONE THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA!
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Its a good beginning and the dialogue is solid. Though I think you should maybe rewrite this chapter to set the beginning of the story to answer the concerns LordlyHour brought up. Still, you have a good foundation here and I hope you continue this story.
Tracking and giving a thumbs up.
Actually, scratch that. I've just decided to rewrite chunks of the story to accomodate for LordlyHour's critique; it's up and posted now. Go reread it if you want. I'm hoping to get the second chapter up and posted by Friday. I'm in New York for vacation, and I'm trying to squeeze in as much writing as I can between train rides and sleeping. Thanks for the support everypony!
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You never answered cosmonauts question...
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Ah, I must have skipped it. The answer is, I don't know. My French friend suggested it as a title over text, and I never caught the pronunciation. I'm going to guess its something like "couture", but I'm not entirely sure.
As for the story, I'm going to try and write up a good chunk of Chapter 2 by tonight, and hopefully publish a finished result by Thursday. Thanks for the favorites and ratings everypony, it really means alot.
On my read it later list, as for the pronunciation, check here and you can play an audio clip438603
Thanks! And the vast majority of the story will be from Twilight's perspective, but we might see some Rainbow Dash and other ponie's thoughts down the road. Don't worry, the next couple chapters are going to be slower paced, I want the story to develop itself as it goes on. I didn't really want it to be one of those "and then they kissed in chapter 2, the end." type of stories, even though it seems like it's going to go that way at the moment. Don't worry guys, it won't ^.^ I just wanted to quickly develop a foundation for the story to begin, and to hook readers.
Pretty good so far. I like TwiDash stories, so keep it up :D
Seems a little rushed if you ask me, and Dash Crashing that much in one day? seems odd.
Over all its not bad, and I am going to keep reading.
Twilight Sparkle stood in front of the first bookcase in the library, titled "Fiction Books A-F". She decided to spend this day cleaning up and decorating the library, as she forgot to clean up her own mess after helping with the Winter Wrap Up. Excellent. With spring in company, she decided her library needed it to show. Earlier that week, Fluttershy insisted that Twilight take a couple spring flower decorations for the library; it was her favorite season, and she loved for it to be everywhere.
Show, not tell.(see this link)
Twilight stared in shock at the huge, gaping hole in the side of her room, still smoking as if a huge bullet had just pierced right through it. Well, one kinda did.
...That is showing. (except "Well, one kinda did". You could profitably omit that entirely -- any words that don't strictly need to be in your story, tend to weaken the effect of the words that do. It also lets the reader discover what happened for themselves, rather than you bluntly telling them. The effect of telling is like that one person who insists on explaining every joke they make. Don't be that person -- give people room to exercise their imagination)
The pacing needs to slow right down. Things can happen fast, right? But, even if you have a good relationship to your feelings, just being so open and honest with them just like that -- particularly for RD, who struggles with anything that's not 'cool' like showing feelings -- is not something that you just do flawlessly through trying hard enough. Becoming a different person takes time, and not only that -- if you want to write a shipping fic, you need to take time to explore the characters feelings, otherwise it can feel like it's just someone playing with dolls. They roll over each other now.. they flirt.. the question that remains unanswered is 'why?'
If you take the time to answer those questions, the pacing will naturally become more moderate. Jamming all these events into one chapter won't happen because that would make the chapter too big.
She had also thought of Rainbow as
Good Twilight-ish thinking patterns
Then again, she did need to use that spell that enabled earth ponies to walk on clouds, but that wasn't really a problem, more of a bother
Good Twilight-ish thinking patterns (making a distinction between a bother and a problem :)
IMO you could simply say 'the cloud walking spell' rather than 'that spell [..] on clouds'
Oh well, it was surely worth it.
Un-Twilight-ish thinking patterns (Twilight is a scholar, she forms hypotheses and tests them. Thinking in such certain terms is what I'd expect from RD or AJ, actually. I'd expect Twilight to either make a flat assertion ("It'll be a great opportunity to research Pegasian building styles") or a cautious assessment ("It could be really interesting" or "I can improve my friendship with RD.")
Also, let me note that at the end of the chapter, it was not at all clear why Twilight had to leave. This is not because you didn't mention it, but because of how, as I said about shipping, you pummel your readers with a fusillade of events rather than letting them follow along at a manageable pace, as the character themselves considers the situation they find themselves in.
(In this particular case, it lacks notability because, while Twilight's house gets smashed up, she doesn't freak out about it much. For Pinkie, that would be quite normal. For Twilight, it's extremely odd -- Twilight is all about 'what will the consequences be?" and freaking out unnecessarily when her personal circumstances change.)
I'm aware that you've improved since writing this chapter, I'm just critiquing this chapter on it's own merits. Hope it helps.
I have an idea what's goin on here...