Chapter 2 - Family Ruin?
"Three hours until we reach Ponyville." The train's newfangled experimental gadget, the intercom, yelled. It woke Applejack up. "Prepare your stuff just in case, we will notify you again."
"Almost home, Ah can't wait to see Mum 'n Dad 'n Mac 'n Granny again. Hopefully these souvenirs will help them forget the heartaches Ah might've caused..."
Later...
"Hm... Ahead of schedule. This doll will be done in about an hour or two." Fuji said to himself as he, Granny and Li'l Mac.
"I think our TV's picking up another one of them otherworldly signals again, Fuji."
"No that's a music video, Granny. They're usually weird like that." Li'l Mac stated slightly bobbing his head to the music.
Outside there was a screech follow by a quiet boom. "Fireworks?" Fuji questioned. "Ah'll look outside." Fuji dropped his work and got up, the rest of the family currently present went outside. They missed the fireworks, but they did see a familiar face running towards them.
"Dad! Granny! Macintosh!" Applejack shouted. She rushed towards home with a burlap sack filled with stuff.
"Applejack!" They nuzzled and cuddled her once in reach.
"How did you get them fireworks?" Fuji asked concerned. "Ya better made sure ya memorized the proper safety preca-"
"Your daughter comes home and that's first thing ya ask, Fuji?" Granny scolded.
"Just being a concerned parent, Granny."
"Why did ya come home, sis?" Li'l Mac asked his sister.
"Just got a little homesick is all." Applejack answered.
"Ya went to Manehatten within a day, ya stayed there for what must have been less then a day and immediately got back in record time. Impressive." Fuji and only Fuji chuckled.
"Mom's out on the field?"
"Yup. C'mon, let's go inside."
"Okay, Ah have some stuff for ya'll but Ah'm gonna wait till everypony's here." Applejack shook the sack a little.
"Alright sweetheart." Fuji got back to knitting, one of his favorite pass times. AJ climbed on the couch, she really wanted to lie down, the train station is almost on the other side of town, it was a loooooong walk.
Meanwhile, in Applejack's room...
FlutterBat noticed a great smelling scent, she desperately wanted to follow her nose.
"Did ya do something interesting happening at Uncle 'n' Aunt's place, AJ?" Li'l Mac asked his sister.
"Not much, Ah don't really want to talk about." Applejack turned on her side facing away, she rubbed her belly when nobody could see her do it. Perhaps because of the food, who knows? "But Ah did manage to some kinda parade in 'honour' of Prince Blackadder and his son Blueblood. Didn't get to see much since Ah was rushing towards Aunt 'n' Uncle's."
"Alright..." Li'l Mac went back to whatever he was doing.
Later...
"What are you knitting, dad?" Applejack finally asked. "Looks likes a blue Pegasus."
"It's toy for Flutter." Fuji said casually, before he knew what he said wrong, or to be more precise; how he said it.
"Who-"
"Fuji, I don't think we mentioned FlutterBat at all to Applejack yet." Granny said.
"Heh... That's kinda dumb of us. Applejack, we have new member of the family." Fuji said.
"Um... Okay. Why is he a new member?" Applejack asked.
"He's a she. It's an interesting story..." Fuji needed to think how to say this to his daughter. But before he could properly explain the stair made some inconstant noises. I'm talking about hoofsteps.
"Seems like Flutter's coming downstairs. Isn't she still hurting?"
"She should..." Fuji got up and made sure to catch Flutter should she fall. The vampire filly hissed in pain a little with every step. Even though it wasn't really loud, Applejack covered her ears because she found it unpleasant. Flutter was finally downtairs. "Applejack. Meet FlutterBat..." Applejack was scared at the hybrid. It was the sickly pale/yellow ski, red eyes, fangs and the wing that wasn't mummified. So pretty much everything about that scared her, that was reason enough for her to hide behind the couch.
"What is that monster?!" She shivered behind the couch.
"An unfortunate filly, she survived something truly ridicules. She isn't a danger. Just look at those bandages, does she look like she's in any state to attack you if she was a monster?"
Applejack's head slowly resurfaced to look at the eye sore. "No, more reason to do something about it. Quick, grab the gun!" She hid again.
"Pretty sure she's harmless. I don't think she's destroyed anything since she's here." Li'l Mac said.
"It's true. Ah know Flutter's appearance is a li'l unsettling. But she's isn't that scary. At least compa-" Fuji said.
"Applejack," Li'l Mac interrupted his father as he tried to catch his sister's attention. "She's heading for yer stuff." He noticed and pointed.
Applejack looked and jumped toward her bag of souvenir stuffs' defense. "Don't touch them." She said harshly blocking Flutter's path armed with the nearest lamp, she began shining it into the yellow bat's face.
"Jacqueline "Applejack" Apple! Stop that." Granny shouted. Applejack cringed at the full name ultimatum, but kept on shining it in her evil new sister's eyes.
"I get it, she's hypnotized ya'll. Ah hope she hasn't turned ya'll." She started to wave the lamp.
"She didn't, ya raided too many of Li'l Mac's horror books." Fuji said. "Stop shining it everywhere, we're gonna need ours eyes." He didn't say it really so harsh, he hoped that would help calm his daughter down. 'Why does that lamp have to to so ridiculously sharp?' Fuji was one of the more smarter members of the Apple Family Clan (ignore the fact he's married into the family). Among those smarts were used for carpentry, Applebucking and Basic Logic. In fact he printed a PHD in basic logic just for fun. With that basic logic he really prided himself on he deducted that Applejack's bag contained fruit.
"Do ya have fruit in yer bag?" Fuji asked.
"...Yes?" She wanted to keep her stuff a surprise. She was trying to fight off the mutant with the lamp itself.
"Drop the lamp. Take the fruit out of the bag and hold it up." He requested.
Applejack did so. She pulled out tangerine, or maybe an orange, whatever, the former is more tasty. "...Alright~" Applejack was shivering in terror, at the yellow monster in front of her. Flutter was sniffing the orange edible thingy, and suddenly her giant tongue grappled the fruit to her mouth.
Applejack fainted.
"Applejack!" Her family shouted.
A few hours later...
Applejack slowly woke up. "Where... Where am Ah?" She said to herself. She noticed she's in Aunt and Uncle Orange's guest room, the room she's occupying while staying here. "Huh? What am Ah doing back here? That freak and the long trip home have been a dream?" She was half-relieved. Now she just has to go home again. "Better say good-bye to auntie 'n uncle again." Once she got up she noticed something was off, the room was slightly tilted... A normal room is not supposed to go at an angle, but it was at an angle, a dutch angle in fact. It made Applejack feel uneasy, it also made walking a little problematic.
Applejack opened the door, the dinner room seemed to have relocated outside the guest room. "...The heck?..." She saw a bunch of Aunt and Uncle Orange's accomplices and along Aunt, Uncle and two recent returning visitors of Applejack's nightmares. Which was the final clue Applejack needed to figure out something was really wrong. I'm talking about the vamponygoyles known as Danté and Dennis.
"Everyone! She's awake, we finally can properly hunt her."
"Get her!" One of them pointed and everypony suddenly turned vampiric and lunged at her.
"AAAAAAAAAH!" Applejack screamed awake, what a shocker that was.
Red Gala ran towards the cry for help. She entered her bedroom where Applejack slept the night. "Applejack!"
"Mama!" Applejack shouted, they hugged.
"Your father, Granny and Li'l Mac told me what happened. Are ya alright?"
"Ah think so..." Applejack rubbed her arm against both sides of her neck. "Please tell me that yellow thing was a dream..."
"She isn't." Gala deconfirmed Applejack's hopes and dreams.
"Why?"
Gala explained a ton, what happened to Flutter her current sentience.
"But what if she tries to bite us?"
"If you listened you may have heard she's a fruit vampire."
"Oh like that's any better, running an apple farm. She'll sap all the apples. We'll only give her enough everyday, besides she's only one pony and not a ton of bats."
"...Why is nopony scared of her?"
"Ponyville has experienced weirder things..." Gala began. "My Grand Aunt-in-law was a TimberHorswolf, The Devil made a few public appearances, just touring the country, A meteor once flattened a hill and gave an Earth Pony psychic powers, the list goes on, Equestria has the second highest oddity rating in the world. But ponies rarely get savvy enough to realize it. Heck, I wouldn't either sometimes without yer father... Now tell me why she scares you."
Applejack felt a little uncomfortable, something she wanted to forget. "Two Vampiric-looking Gargoyles fell on me, they looked like older, colt versions of her."
"Let me guess, they were called the Danté and Dennis?"
"Yeah! How did ya know?" For the sake of humor every time the word 'Yeah' pops up imagine Enrico saying it. Cool points for you if get it.
"Your uncle always strange fascination with Gargoyles. Keeping them around like they were garden gnomes. Some of them a in some unhandy locations. You'll get over it."
"Ah hope so... I have something for everypony. Where's my bag?"
"Ah found a bag with some things in the living room. I gave the presents to everypony."
"But Mooomma~" Applejack whined. "I was supposed give it to everypony mahself..."
"Ahm sorry... But everypony loved it."
Dear Dairy,
Date: ~__--`_~~_
I got you on my birthday a little while back. Papa said you can tell my life story. I didn't think my life was good or bad enough to write down. I came home after looking for my cutie mark in Mainhattan, and found something worse then Raryty and that Blackadder kid at aunt and uncles party. She has fangs! Obviously an evil vermin possibly bent on sucking every fruit tree in de world.
I hate her.
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i might have missed a few things while reading, by which i mean how much they should have impacted, because i'm still getting used to these changes to the site. they weren't around when i was on the site on thursday night, so either it happened today or yesterday. whatever the case, it's a little confusing, so i might have lost some of the impact from this chapter.
anyway, an interesting start for applejack's return, though i didn't get a lot of those references.
i did see some errors
Did ya something interesting happening at Uncle 'n' Aunt's place, AJ?
i think it was meant to be "ya do anything"
ya raided too many of Li'l Mac's horror books
not really sure if this is how it was meant to be written. if not, raided should've been read
not really anything else i can think of that was off, aside from rarity's name having a y when it should be an i in the diary part. nice job
People have been calling for an editor?
Also Donkey Kong 64. <3
5117618 Autum Breeze is technically the editor. And the dairy section is purposely written bad.
Where? I don't remember making a DK64 reference, sounds like something I'd do but I don't remember making it.
5117712
Oh Jesus. Really no offense, but your editors should have some semblance of literacy.
You mentioned it in the comments.
So Applejack's real name is Jacqueline. Finally she gets to meet Flutterbat
5117806 He volunteered to do it. Because he was the only one who voted for it and I offered him the option to read it earlier than everyone else.
If a better editor wants to edit it he's free to do it.
more plz
5759262 Writers block for another story holds me back. But you're right, I should continue this one.
5765891 yes it should it's real good
5774997 It's okay.
5776496 well i have 4 fave chars from mlp:fim Lyra Vinyl Discord and Flutterbat so any good story with them in it i like
5778822 I can't find the folder I kept every plot point in. It might be a while before I begin writing for this again.
5852511 Whatever you want it to be.
I got some good news and some bad news. Always wanted to say that. xD
Good news first.
Great story concept, Fluttershy turning into Flutterbat as a young filly by accidental Vampire Fruitbat bite. Then due to her suffering amnesia warrants her being taken in by others. Not the most elegant of solutions but it works. I will definitely track this to see where you take it.
Now for the bad news.
The writing. . . Let me get this straight. The writing could use heck of a lot of work. Unessesary repeatings, grammar errors, weird word choices, unnaturaly flowing dialogues, unnatural character behaviours, unstable pacing, out of whack time frames and at one point there was a conversation between two different induviduals (AJ & Red Gala) in the same quotation pair with nothing but a period seperating their sentences (that was no doubt the biggest offender).
The story could have a lot more sturdy foundation. It leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Some of those waranted as it drives the story and the reader to continue. But quite a few just leaves the reader confused.
The magic of names in Equestria reins supreme. Remove "Shy" in hef name and voila, no longer shy... Sorry but thats not how amnesia works. Generally your personality does not change. Not imedietly at least. New memories formed before the return of your old memories will take bigger precidence over who you'll become, but the change is not instant. This is a trope that is simply not true.
Hmm, AB complete absense seems unwaranted. I think AB should have been just a baby at the time (or maybe just a fetus) but on some level she should exist already.
Have you considered an editor?
I am not going to remove my old comment, but I will say I didn't notice that last update was almost a year old (damn cellphone version not showing chapter timestamps!) and the story is presumably dead.
6426865 It kinda is... When I was writing this I lost interest in MLP (still haven't regained it), gained sleeping problems (I like working on a fully awake mind, which rarely happens), doesn't help I became a school drop-out by being Sarcastic, not saying "hello" and criticizing the teaching methods of the substitute teacher. That did only wonders for me. I also tend to leave out words on accident. I'm also a terrible reader. When I get passionate again I might continue.
The story would've gone crazy with plot twists that explain a lot. One of which is to give some development to another character, one not yet introduced.
The Amnesia? Here's what I may have intended: Remember how in Bats! Flutterbat showed no signs of Fluttershy? Something like that here, except with very vague memories. The characters themselves explain this away with amnesia, because, let's face it: vampire pony are probably really difficult to catch and study.
Everyone's age in MLP is really vague, clearly I interpenetrated AB's age to be younger than yours. I don't remember what I was going to do with her though. Let her be, or exclude her because Flutterbat's a handful.
I think ahead, I think...
Have you considered an editor? No, I both don't want bother people.
(P.S. I haven't read the story to respond to you,
I don't like reading my own stuff.)
6429515
Well if that is the case then perhaps it's for the best that the story died.
I mean If you can't deal with reading your own story (usually multiple times) or have a bunch of editors then the quality would been quite bad no matter how good you are at writing. No author ever nails it on the first draft. One author once told me "You shall have read your next story or chapter at least five times before publishing it." While I think five is a bit excessive at least once when its finished is the bare minimum, but generally twice or thrice. Just to hammer out those big glaring errors and most of the smaller ones. The one story I did finished I have read somewhere around 20 times and it's still a far cry from perfect (probably still have a few errors I don't know of in there too).
TL;DR: Don't like reading your own stuff? Why write to begin with?
P.S: Everything else seemed like valid points. A bit unorthodox maybe, but valid.
6435514 When I('m) was/at school/work, and it gets boring my thoughts start to pile into amusing (sometimes off-the-wall) ideas. If I don't write them down and/or share them, they'll be wasted. I read them through at least once they're done. I fix them when people point them out or when I actually read through them again. Ever worked on something so long that you just want to get it over with? That's also in effect. Editors, I've had a few before they quit. That I lack courage (as dumb as that sounds) to ask people in general, that and reason I mentioned previously.
Why write? I got to find something to be good at. I'm relatively talent-less. Here are my strengths: Video Games, and fluent English (In a country where English is basically a second language, the only things we dub are Kids films and shows. Written English is a slightly different story). I can only play them, not make them, and I'm very irritable at repeated interaction with people.
In the future, my mother is going into theater and I might join her, she's impressed by my revisions at her script to make them more believable, realistic, funny or more tragic. I'm not sure if I'll do it, saying you got a job through nepotism isn't something to be proud of...
Thank you,
That can be explained by being foreign or being unorthodox myself.
6438334 Well, have you tried any new things lately? As for you being only good at video games, if that where truely the case then you'd be boned (or got into pro gaming). While playing video games you learn a lot of really useful skills. But really look inside yourself, try to find out why you are good at your video games and then see if you can't apply those skills elsewhere. In many of the cases you will be able to find a use for the skills/knowledge. Extra Credits over on youtube explains it a lot better than I do.
A job gained through nepotism is still work (aka, a salary). But if you're worried about nepotism, then ask your mother to be brutally honest with you about it. If you're being offered the work because you actually did make the script better and have the ability to keep doing it, then I don't see any problem. None ever reached the stars without a push along the way. But if you see her hesitate or even start fidgeting or trying to change the subject then that is a sign that you probably should decline. None wants a work they are not good at.
6439293 I love Extra Credits, I already watch that. I take almost all of their lessons and theories to heart. But there isn't a abundance of Game Devs in this country.
And I'm already trying to make a off-the-wall Visual Novel using the Tyrano Builder Engine. No licence needed and no royalty fees, which is nice. The problem with that is that I'm not an artist or composer/musician. The composer/musician bit is covered, thanks mom. Artist is a different story, I wanted to do it myself in a pencil drawings style, but my writing hand isn't very stable when it comes to both writing and drawing. I'll only use the computer only for outlines to keep the characters' bodies consistent.
I hope my little sister keeps up on her dreams to become an artist and Game Devs. (My opinion is that she doesn't play enough games.)
And I talked to my mom today, she basically said: "It doesn't matter, it's my party and you have an invitation and you're free to decline." Paraphrased to make it more wordy, and to get the idea across without the tone of her voice.
6440179 W8 w8 w8 w8! There was a program like that? Well, I guess now I have to jump onto the bandwagon too. If not to actually make one then to get insight into how the program works.
P.S: Your sister does not really have to play much games if she is going into the business from the art side. Video game artists does not really need to be enthusiastic gamers (but that helps alot).
6440406 I know that.
Here's the Steam Link for that program. Easy to use, except for maybe the aspect ratio for me. But that's a small hurdle.
I don't think it can produce Ace Attorney tier quality, but whatever.
hey man any luck finding ur story file?
6627090 Haven't tried yet. I first have to get back on a writing kick, don't want a half-hearted story, oh no when I back to this it must be at least 75%-hearted. But don't worry, those files contain specific wording and some plot points potentionals. The latter I have memorized and can be easily replaced and/or dropped if I did forget them.
6630233 k just thought i would ask
6435514 um hate to be a downer but i try to 95% of the time to write right it is hard but i'm so slow it helps
6631970 75% is just above good.
6632518 i mean my spelling in the storys i can say the words easily but typeing them is hard so my slow typeing helps to stop typos that all i was talking about
6633316 Google translate and the Wiktionary are my friend for that case. I always try to be as formal and sometimes as loquacious (the latter I tone down when writting) as possible when typing something. No matter how casual. That helps me with that issue.
6633924 Keep it going, for the sake of Flutterbat, and for Sans. Also, it's too good to just get cut off.
6643542 All the people who come out of nowhere to favorite and comment in such a short time... Eh okay, I'll do it at my own pace. Said pace is slow BTW.
6645032 Yay
6645032 This will keep you determined