(to set the mood)
"kill this little weakling it is our way it is your destiny to slaughter and dominate your enemies as a shadow drake"
"Spike the dragon I willing give myself to you mind body and soul and become your mate"
"They did what to my kind your liying the ponies wouldn't do something so horrible and cruel"
"I can feel the power course threw my vains and it feels amazeing I can feel the shadows all around me cry out for blood and I will glady answer their call for it"
"My whole life I have been ordered around used forgotten and left behind only to be used again and now I have a way out of that so what in the hell makes you think im going to say no"
"mmmmuuuhhhhahhahahah the shadow drakes shall live threw me!!!"
"your body and that harmonic magic are fast but your mind is so sluggish it cant keep up with it that is why im faster then you rainbow crash because I have the marks of a true being of speed my thoughts instincts and reflexes are one"
"your power comes from the friendship you six all share but my power comes from the sins of pony kind and not only mine but all of my ancestors rage and hatred thousands of angry souls of my kind crie out for revenge on the ones that caused their murder
"Twilight let me make this clear for you you have never been nor will you ever be my mother"
"Spike how could you....you.....you....defile my little sister and applebloom like that ....you......you monster"
"Said the mare who used my heart as her play thing I dont give a damn if you think im a monster I do what I please so mind your own business you wannabe princess"
"YOU PONIES HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME MY FAMILY MY OWN RACE MY FREEDOM Bbut I WONT LET YOU TAKE MY BIRTH RIGHT FROM ME RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRR!!!!"
"I will protect you three and are family no matter the cost"
"AND WITH THIS I SHALL RID MY SELF OF THE CURSE OF EVER BEING YOUR FRIEND"
"heh heh your to late celestia the shadow drakes legacy shall continue not only threw me but also by my foal"
"I AM SPIKE SON OF ORBHAS KING OF THE SHADOW DRAKES THE DRAGON OF THE 7 DEADLY SINS AND DESTROYER OF THE PRINCESS"
Grammer could use some work but I'm really looking forward to what you have in store with this story.
4735688 thanks and trust me the plans I have are going to be very fun very indeed
The Fall of Equestria as come at last.
4735871 the raibow of friendship shall be engulfed by the return of the shadow drakes
Awesome!
Thanks I do try my best
4736376 And the fools that once thought that their kind rule will be know who the true masters are.
4745303 when the slave becomes the master the elements will burn in his shadow
4747532 And the false rule of prey will fall to the true rule of the Predator.
4747591 dude how to come up with this stuff so fast
4748355 It's not that easily and I thought was fun back and forth we we're doing, Also I been doing a lot of Elder Scrolls stuff and every thing always as a cool name , title and prophesy that gives me great ideas.
4760139 why thank you im still at this and chapter 5 was my first time writing a fight scene so what are your thoughts on the rest of the story I really want critiques to improve my writing
4751276 hey darkspike17 is it ok if use some of these lines in a future chapter ill credit you in the a/n
4767602 Dude that would make be happy beyond any belief to see this in future chapters do what ever you want and if you need some more lines I'm free and willing to help.
4768507 thanks
First off, I would like to take the time to read this, but it is rather... unpromising if the summary is anything to go off of. Sorry, but I'm being straight to the point so this will go faster.
First, commas are your friends. Notice how I've already use a couple so far? That's to show examples of where they should go. As for why they should go in certain places is simple. If you are speaking to someone, for example, a comma can be used to separate parts of a sentence to indicate a pause, though a very brief one. They might also be used for playing around with sentence structure. Like so.
"All I ever wanted, my dear, is your hand in marriage," could also be "Your hand in marriage, my dear, is all I ever wanted," or "My dear, your hand in marriage is all I ever wanted."
Another thing to keep in mind is words per paragraph. A good goal for writers to start with is a minimum of X amount of words per chapter. As an average of course. Say you aim for one thousand per chapter. That means a few can go under the minimum as long as the average doesn't.
But after having read a few of the comments, your best option at this point would be to ask for an editor. I'd volunteer myself as I am quite capable, but I am too busy lately to do much writing, and I have no examples of my work to give yet.
All in all, I hope this helps.
4793288 thank you for pointing that out to me kinda bad at noticing things like a missing coma, so thanks for that
Woah, have you ever heard of spellcheck? It's really fantastic.
While the concept presented in the summary is certainly interesting, I don't know if I can force myself to even start reading this. Generally, I've found that the attention a writer pays to grammar and spelling tends to say a lot about how much care they have for the story itself. While this isn't always true, I know that I'm not the only one who judges stories at first glance by this ideal.
Also, I swear that your username is extremely familiar to me, somehow. It's killing me because I feel like the memory is dancing just around the corners of my mind, just barely out of reach.
4797062 yeah I know im planning on getting an editor soon. Did you read one of the forum threads I created on straight shippings the rule 63 folder, the transformers crossover folder or are you a fan of alchemigree latest story unlikely but possible which I helped create by not only supplying two ocs but also proof read the first chapter
4797149
Sorry, I haven't seen either of those. In the case of the second it would be due to the fact that I turned off the "View Mature" option. I'm sick and tired of seeing pages filled with stories from wannabee clop writers who wouldn't know proper grammar if it smacked them upside the head with a dictionary.
Also, I remember you now. Is it spelled Brodie or Brody? I can never remember.
4797176 how do you know my real name,
And its spelled brodie
4797183
We've met. Many times, actually. Isn't it amazing how people can find each other purely by accident on the internet?
4797196 okay who is this you are kinda creeping me out
4797209
I can't just tell you, that would ruin the fun!
Let's play a guessing game. If you guess correctly, I swear that I will admit my true identity.
1: We go to the same school.
2: I am known to be exceedingly rude in person, but am kind over the internet.
3: I call you "idiot" a lot. Don't feel offended, I do that to everyone.
4: I'm good with computer coding, something that came in handy during a certain class we both had last year.
If you can't figure it out from this, I have another really good hint.
4797237 jacob is that you ?
4797247
No. Depending on which Jacob you are talking about, you are either insanely close to guessing correctly or ridiculously far off.
5: I recruited Ironsmith to FimFiction.
6: When people talk to me, I wave my hand in their face and calmly whisper, "Shoo." before moving on as if nothing had happened.
4797261 joey is that you how did you know it was me I never told you my ocs name
4797268
No, guess again! This is ridiculously fun, by the way.
7: Near the end of the last school year, you frequently stole my seat at the end of the lunch table.
8: I have a sister who is just as sarcastic as I am.
9: I am good friends with Henry, who recently moved away.
10: We shared a total of two classes together: Web Design and RamPageTV.
11: My name starts with the same letter as my username if you ignore the numbers.
4797288 tray is that you because I am unamused by your joke it was creepy at first but now it's just boring
4797310
No, it isn't Tray. I just blatantly told you that the first letter of my name started with "M", so how you guessed "Tray" is beyond me.
You are right though, it gets boring when the player cannot guess the correct answer.
It's Marcus. Please withhold your excitement, as I am certain that you are thrilled to run into me once again. I know you're probably thinking, "Oh, it's this asshole again."
But yeah, it's this asshole again.
Noah briefly mentioned a few weeks ago that you had gotten a fimfiction account, and that's how I recognized your username as I was derping around the innerwebs. It just took me a few minutes to drag up that particular memory. You know the rest of the story.
4797340 im sorry who are you I dont remember you , also I thought you were tray trying to trick me because his last name starts with a m and you didn't see whether it was your first or last name
4797355
Huh. Interesting.
It's honestly not very surprising at this point. It seems that everyone forgets me, eventually. I'd almost call it my special talent.
Well, I'm off to fade into the back of your memory once more. Good luck with whatever life entails in your future.
Hi, I'm that person who said they would review your story! Alright, here we go. This comment review will cover the description and chapters 1-3, because
I'm lazythat should give me a good idea of how you write and what your story is going to be like. I am very blunt and sarcastic, but I will try to keep my overall remarks constructive.I'll start with the description.
Oh. Oh. Now I see what my friend was talking about. Let me give you a tip here: this is almost all wrong. I'll point it out to you, then I'll show you what it looks like when edited correctly.
Let me get that for you.
Phew. That's a lot of red. I recommend getting an editor, and I haven't even started the story! However, the plot so far seems fine. A story about Spike going feral could be interesting. It even has no OC tag! For what I am assuming is a first story (I don't have mature on and I don't plan to change that), you've avoided the big newcomer's snare of adding a terrible OC.
Now to see how this thing holds up, onto Chapter one.
Without even starting the chapter I see that this is dreadfully short, chapters should usually be 1,000 words minimum. The space that you have allotted for this chapter makes me think that this will be either heavy on dialogue and low on detail, or that you have a terrible pacing issue. Let's see here...
Wait a second. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, GOD. This... this was re-edited?
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Holy shit do you have a pacing issue. Here is what I mean:
AGH! THE DESCRIPTION, IT"S TOO FAST! The "I"s aren't capitalized, the sentence is a huge run-on, the pacing is rushed faster than a NASCAR driver on crack, the spaces are awkward, the commas are non-existant, and this was RE-EDITED?!
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Alright, so since the rest of the first journal entry proceeds like... that, I'll just skip to the next one. My advice to you? Slow the blueberry fuck down. You fit a full paragraph of explanation into one terrible, nightmare inducing run-on sentence. Don't do that. Furthermore, commas are your friend, dear sir, stop avoiding them so much. Did they kill your family or something? Jeeze.
You also need to capitalize your "I"s, and you don't need a space before the period. Most of this could be solved by getting an editor, which by this point I recommend more than anything else in the world. Aside from an "unsee" button, that is.
The second one predictably suffers the same problems. It goes a little bit slower though, which helps a lot, though you still need to take it down a few notches. The bold text is obviously Spike's evil side getting out, so you used that mechanic well. So far, this seems like an okay intro if you ignore the ungodly amount of errors and incomprehensible run-on sentences.
Onto chapter two, and I am very much scared.
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The problems I pointed out above are still here in full force, so I'm guessing that they will be prevalent through this entire fic. That means that this entire fic is going to be almost illegible. Wonderful. So that means I will be focusing on individual problems and on the plot from here on out.
So, let's talk about Spike's alter-self inside his mind. I like the concept, but I think you are diving in too quickly. It's only less than 1,000 words in and Spike is already starting to transform into some sort of demon. I feel like this fic is going the way of Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt. That is definitely not a good thing, seeing as that one sucked enough for me to rage review it.
The alternate Spike itself is quite the interesting character. It seems to be an manifestation of Spike's wild dragon instincts, so having a speaking character represent that is neat. It would be cool to see if feral Spike starts gaining Spike's characteristics as the real Spike becomes more like his feral copy. It would be as if the two were trading places, with Spike becoming pretty much trapped by his instincts. That's just what I think though. Alright, one more chapter, and then I'm done here.
Honestly, this story isn't half bad if you can get past the presentation. That's a damn heavy "if" though.
Final chapter! This one isn't too bad. We get some dialogue of Spike and Feral Spike, and Spike seems to warm to his Feral side just a bit. Here, I've noticed that you have problems with dialogue.
Here's a basic rule of dialogue: Every time there is a new speaker, you need to start a new paragraph. I'll give an example.
That is wrong. Here is how it should be:
This makes it easier for the reader to distinguish between speakers. It also spaces the dialogue out nicely and prevents you from having big scary walls of text. Appropriate spacing is actually used pretty well in this story, so props to you on that. You might also want to double check your quoted sections with Spike and Twilight, and the bolded ones with Spike and his Feral side. You have some sections were Twilight's dialogue doesn't have an ending quotation mark, and where the bold bleeds over into Spike's speech.
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I honestly didn't get any of the references, but oh well.
So, now for my final verdict on this. I'll split this up into the two major parts I can see.
STORY/PLOT: 6/10
I can't believe I am saying this, but it's interesting. I might skim the next chapters just to see where this goes, because I want to see how Spike deals with this Feral side, and I want to know more about his character. There's just one reason why I probably won't.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING: -5/10
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EITHER GET YOURSELF A FUCKING EDITOR OR READ THE SITE WRITING GUIDE OR I DON'T KNOW JUST DO SOMETHING TO FIX THIS GOD-AWFUL WRECK.
Overall Rating: 3/10 Might Skim Later. The story is nice enough, but the illegible nature of this fic makes it not worth more than a light skim to get the main idea.
TL;DR:
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Read the damn review. I read your train wreck, you read mine. It's just equivalent exchange.
Remember that a lot of this is just my opinion, and anything here can be accepted or ignored as you like. I would recommend not ignoring this, seeing as others have also noticed your atrocious grammar, but hey, that's your choice and not mine. Your story can float or sink as you see fit. I've written my review and my job is done. I do wish you luck in your stories, and I hope that you continue to improve with everything that you write!
Cheers.
4807613 thank you for this review with this help I shall enter
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SERIOUS EDITING MODE
4807613 also I am looking for an editor and if you want I can tell you the references