• Published 8th Apr 2012
  • 6,052 Views, 309 Comments

Horns, Hooves, and Fur - Deyeaz



A teenager falls into a river enchanted by Lyra and ends up in Equestria... as a satyr.

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VII - The Human, The Reaper, And The Raver

VII - The Human, The Reaper, And The Raver

"Alright, that's it!" Jace the human finally blurted after 30 agonizing minutes of waiting; he, Zeke (AKA the Grim Reaper), and Vinyl Scratch have been passing the time by playing Catch with a rock, 20 Questions, admiring or making fun of the satyr's appearance, and even telling Knock-Knock jokes. However, the satyr was still killing daylight with his peaceful slumber, and it irritated Jace. A lot. "This fluffy bastard needs to wake up!"

"OWW... Loud much?" Vinyl groaned, rubbing her temples with her hooves and shutting her eyes tightly.

"Well, dear, you got far too plastered at that party less than a week ago, so whose fault is that?" Zeke the Reaper merely stated, rubbing his skeletal thumb along the blade of his scythe tediously.

"Hey, I had to celebrate, alright?" protested the DJ, settling her shades on her horn and glaring at Zeke with brilliant scarlet eyes. "It was Winter Wrap-up, and my new record album was released in stores afterwords. What do you expect?"

"Chugging a mixture of vodka, tequila, whiskey, and rum at the most vulgar rave party in Equestria is NOT a proper way to celebrate events, Vinyl. Seriously, you're putting Berry Punch to shame with your catastrophic alcohol intake. How your internal organs haven't been liquidated yet is a complete and total enigma."

"Will you two be quiet? If we startle him, he'll start running. Besides, I hear rumors about satyrs being ridiculously fast," Jace seethed. A glint of metal caught his eye, and he looked down at the satyr's wrists: two steel cuffs, trailing broken chains were slapped onto his wrists.

'Huh... by the look of things, he had escaped from prison. Good for him,' mused Jace. Another glint of metal came from the satyr again. An ornately-designed silver flute laid on his chest, shining in the sinking sunlight. It must have been worth quite a lot of bits. "Hmm... I wonder if it's real..." He outstretched his hand to try and grab the metal instrument, only to be stopped by a vicious slap on the wrist from the creature. He looked into the eyes of the now awakened satyr, who had backed away with an angry expression on his face.

"Touch my flute and I will rip out your heartstrings and use them for dental floss," he warned as he got up, teeth bared.

"Well, damn, no need to be a killjoy," said Jace, raising his hands defensively as Vinyl gave a little giggle at the threat. "Besides, I just wanted to see it."

"That's what they all say..." Praxis rolled his eyes. They widened three seconds later in sudden realization.

*Loading...*

*STILL loading...*

*Ding!*

"Sweet baby Jesus watching Telly-Tubbies, you're a human."

"Well, duh," sighed Jace, arms crossed and an interested look on his face. Praxis turned to the two others behind the human and his jaw dropped. Twice.

"Death in all of his glory? The most badass DJ in Equestria?" The human nodded, a proud smirk emerging. "Did I die and go to Heaven, Mr... um..." Praxis didn't know the human's name, and hesitated.

"Oh, pardon us," the skeletal figure in black robes apologized sincerely when he caught on to the satyr's pause. "Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am the Grim Reaper, but you may refer to me as Zeke, you apparently know miss Vinyl Scratch, and the human goes by the name of Jace. 'Tis a pleasure to make your acquaintance." Zeke stuck out his bony hand towards the satyr, who had to unwrap his ace bandage from off of his face and wrapped it securely around his hand, then shaking it.

"Sorry about this," Praxis began. "But I know what happens when the Grim Reaper makes physical contact with flesh. So..." Even though Zeke's face was a skull and was shrouded by his black hood, Praxis could practically feel sadness emanating from the reaper of souls at the mention of his handicap. "But anywho, I'm Praxis, and it's nice to make your acquaintance as well."

"Yo, Prax. DJ P0n-3's the name, droppin' vicious beats's my game." The white unicorn with her iconic electric-blue-and-cyan mane and tail, reflective purple shades, and two beamed crotchets for a Cutie Mark had shook Praxis' hand whilst making herself known. "But that's my stage name. Call me Vinyl."

"Uh... Alright, then, Vinyl," said Praxis, remaining as calm and collected as he could on the outside while his brony side wreaked utter and joyful havoc on the inside; how often does one get to meet the greatest - yet only - DJ in the world?

"So hold up one minute," Jace intervened. "How did you even get here? Last time I checked, satyrs didn't exist in Equestria up until now. What's up with that?"

"Let's just say that a malfunction with a scrying-glass-slash-portal was involved in this miraculous transformation," the satyr answered in a bored tone of voice.

"Ah."

"Indeed. But how did YOU get here? Humans don't exist at ALL in Equestria."

"...Portals?"

"...Sure. Let's just assume that it's portals for now." Praxis extended his hand towards Jace, who shook it gratefully. His eyes shot up wide again as he doubled over and roared in agony. His arm felt like it was smashed by two red-hot, spiked sledgehammers simultaneously. He let go of Jace's hand and fell to the ground, rolling in the dirt as he clutched his hand with the other. "HOOOOOOOOOLYYYYYYYYSSSSSHHHHIT, THAT HURTS! GOD-FREAKING-DAMNIT! AAAAARRRGGHHH!"

"Yo, Jace, what's up with him?" Vinyl asked the human, who was laughing raucously at the satyr's reaction. "He ain't crazy or something, right?"

"Indeed not, Vinyl Scratch," Zeke answered in Jace's place, who was still guffawing idiotically at Praxis' expense. "You see, Jace had bested me one time when I had shook his hand. Instead of killing him, a sharp pang of pain only effected him. So you see, he... BECAME Death itself, in one form or another. And don't ask me how that works, because that's just how it is."

"Oh... then why isn't Prax dead?"

"I think because Jace wasn't driven to kill him: he was benign at the time. Besides, something tells me that it's not this poor satyr's time anyways."

"Huh... while I barely got that at all from my raging migraine, I'm just gonna nod and pretend that I understood that." Zeke sighed, disappointed at Vinyl's less than inadequate statement, no matter how honest it was.

"Ay, caramba, that hurt like crazy," Praxis mumbled as he slowly got up again and rubbed his arm. His stomach rumbled noisily, making Jace, Scratch, and (figuratively) Zeke raise an eyebrow.

"I guess you're hungry, aren't ya?" Jace questioned, receiving a nod from the creature in response. Jace smiled shrewdly, planning his next words carefully. "Now that I think about it, I'm getting kinda peckish..." he gave Praxis a feigned look of evil. "I wonder... do you taste like lamb?"

"*Gasp!* You wouldn't!"

"Oh, I would."

"Well, then come at me, bro!" Praxis spread his arms. a sign that he welcomed whatever Jace was going to throw at him. The human backed up before getting on all fours like a gorilla and charged at a very slow and ape-like pace towards the saytr, saying, "I'm comin' at you, bro!" Praxis fell over laughing, Jace following suit almost at once.

"Well then..." the human had finished laughing, and had slowly gotten up. "If you're hungry, then I have a question for you."

"Shoot," Praxis said.

Jace had a wide smile splayed on his face when he asked, "Do you like mmmm bananas?"

Praxis gasped. 'Holy crap... he's a brony as well!' he thought before he mimed the same crafty smile that the human adopted. "Well, I know where you can go bananas," he retorted cunningly. Jace's eyes widened in realization. They both breathed in deeply before they shouted the four greatest words in the world.

"ONNNNNNNN THE MOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNAH!!!!! BEEEEYYYAAAAATCH!!!!!"

"SHUT! THE BUCK! UP! AAARRRGHH!" Vinyl wailed, clamping her hooves tight over her ears and shutting her eyes as tight as she could, her massive headache getting the best of her. Zeke, muttering something like "Great, another dork...", simply face-palmed, the sound of bone striking bone resonating slightly across the field and throughout the now dark sky. Jace and Praxis were laughing heartily, their chortles and roars of delight flooding the night sky.

But because all good things must come to an end, their laughter slowly died down until only mere idiotic giggles came out of them at random intervals.

"Anywho, I think I know where we can get some food," said Jace, pulling out a strange object from underneath his shirt. It was a miniature hourglass swinging on a chain. Sand seemed to flow endlessly through it, almost as if it would never deplete, mainly because once the upper half of the hourglass was emptied, the lower half that was filled with sand flew back up into the upper half, like the time was reversing itself.

"Whoa, what's that?" Praxis wondered aloud, staring at the object with curiosity.

"This, my boy, is a Calling Card. With this contraption, we can be able to access the Dream World at my instant command. All of our surreal visions become reality with this bad boy," answered Jace, removing the hourglass from around his neck and setting it on the grass. A weird cone of blinding white light emanated from the center of the Calling Card. Jace, Zeke, and Vinyl hopped into the light, vanishing instantly. "What're ya waiting for?!" Jace shouted, his voice echoing across the atmosphere, which was beautifully painted with Princess Luna's stars and waxing gibbous moon.

"Well, here goes nothing," sighed Praxis, jumping into the light and vanishing with them. The light from the Calling Card stopped shining, and dissipated into nothingness.


Ponyville, Lyra and Bon-Bon's Apartment

"Did you hide the bag, Lyra?" Bon-Bon asked her roommate, who was in the attic. Lyra was busy locking up the messenger bag in a massive chest. When she clicked the lock and left the dusty and cluttered chamber, she looked at Bon-Bon and nodded. "Alright." The two made their way to the living room of their moderately-sized apartment doom; Carrot Top and Derpy were sitting on the couch, and Zecora, who had warned the four mares of Praxis's capture, was balancing on her favorite bamboo staff with her head, hooves positioned in a stance of meditation and eyes closed as she breathed in via nose and out via mouth.

"Oh, what am I gonna do," Lyra wondered, pacing in a circle around the coffee table. "He was already arrested an hour after the... the incident." She shuddered at the word 'incident', avoiding to say the proper term. She shut her eyes as tight as she could and clenched her teeth, not wanting to visualize Praxis' near-death experience.

"Lyra, stop pacing: you're going to leave a trench in the floorboards, and you know how grouchy that old mare below us is," informed Bon-Bon as she put a foreleg out in front of the worrying Lyra to stop her. She guided the mint-green unicorn to a vacant spot on the couch between Carrot and Derpy, and sat her there. The sweets-maker took a seat on the lone armchair and curled up into a comfortable position. "Anyways, what can we do? Nopony will help us because we've befriended their worst nightmare."

"Indeed, a creature so rare had given them quite the scare," rhymed Zecora wisely.

"'A creature so rare'?" Carrot Top reiterated.

"Correct; satyrs did not exist here until now. What I must know is when, why, and how?"

"You've got Lyra to thank for that!" Derpy exclaimed. "Y'see, we were at a pond and Lyra was just stalking humans as usual-"

"I do not STALK them," Lyra interrupted, upset that the mailmare had used that term to describe her hobby. "I simply research them."

"Suuuuure," Carrot said in an unconvinced tone at the lyre player's poor replacement of what she did in her free time. "Anyways, continue, Derpy."

"Ok... now where was I... Oh yeah! Lyra was using her looking glass portal to find a human, and out popped one, only he wasn't a human when he came out. She used too much magic on the pond, and it kinda changed him into a satyr."

"Hmm... I see. So that explains this mystery," said Zecora, getting off of the bamboo staff and looking out the window of the second-floor room. Some ponies who were walking back to their homes for the evening were giving cold, brief glares at the apartment, scowling and muttering curses at the five ponies on the second floor. Zecora sighed, thinking that all the pedestrians are sick in the heads with how much prejudice they carried in their hearts. A Royal Guard flying into town caught her eye as he walked up to a nearby tree and plastered a flier to it. She leaned in forward and narrowed her eyes, gasping in shock at what she saw and read.

The poster had a photograph of Praxis, only he didn't look like his usual self. Instead, he had a maniacal look in his eyes, his hair white as snow, longer, and extremely unkempt. The whites of his eyes were pitch-black, he had fiery-looking irises, and slits for pupils, his teeth were now fanged and sharp as daggers. Beneath the photograph, in bold Equestrian hieroglyphs, were: WANTED: PRAXIS THE SATYR. ESCAPED FROM CANTERLOT DUNGEON AND DESTROYED CASTLE PROPERTY. UNARMED, YET ASTRONOMICALLY DANGEROUS; 3000 BITS AWARDED TO THE PONY WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CAPTURE.


Alright, I've fixed up whatever typos that anypony pointed out. Luckily, I might have got them all. Anyways, I've also made revisions about the Calling Card's description: it was an hourglass, not an actual card. Silly me, I jump to far too many conclusions in my writing.

Anyways, because my computer is on the Fritz, I have to use the Kindle Fire to get the job done. Sorry about my slow pace in this chapter, everypony; I had tons of schoolwork to get done.

This is ShadowWeaver, signing out for now. I may appear online, but I ain't writing jack shit until after tomorrow. Brotha gotta unwind, right?

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