Half-Baked Biscuits

by Admiral Biscuit

Hell is a Happy Place

Hell is a Happy Place
Admiral Biscuit
November 8, 2012

Spitfire rubbed her eyes, a gesture that produced no useful results whatsoever. Blushing slightly, she pushed her goggles up on her forehead and tried again. She had awakened to yelling, and she wasn’t sure why. She faced the noise, to see a pegasus and a unicorn, engaged in a furious verbal battle.

“I can’t believe you were so selfish!” Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof for emphasis. “Really, what were you thinking?”

“Darling, I am sorry. I was just so fabulous, I had to show everypony…but I am truly sorry it had to end this way.”

Dash lowered her head. “I won’t stay mad at you, Rares, but right now I want you out of my sight! Go!”

Rarity looked around at the seeming endless grassland. ‘Go where?’ was on her lips as a retort, but she bit it down, and trotted off some distance away, and decided to huddle in the grass. It was hardly comfortable, but she did feel really bad about messing things up like she had.

Meanwhile, Rainbow had seen Spitfire, and flew over to hover next to her face. “Did you see it?”

“Murgh.” Spitfire looked at Rainbow curiously. “I…no, I don’t think I saw it. Whatever it was I was to have seen.” She looked around. “Where are we?”

“I was all like—zoom, and I went so fast, I bet it was faster than anypony has ever gone! I bet everypony will be talking about it, like, forever.” She flopped down to the grass, a contented, slightly idiotic smile on her face. “Oh, I wish you could have seen it.” Her eyes brightened. “Hey, I bet I could do it again!”

Before a bemused Spitfire could stop her, Rainbow was climbing to the sky, a cyan dot which blended into the nearly flawless sky. A few minutes passed, while Spitfire looked on in interest, and suddenly, she could make out a vague disturbance in the atmosphere, which suddenly resolved into a rainbow annulus with a rainbow streak in the center. Said streak rocketed towards her, suddenly crashing into the ground in front of her with a shockwave she felt through her chest. Rainbow stood proudly, while Spitfire looked at her, then at the sky, then back at her.

“Did you just…”

“Yup, sonic rainboom. Hah! Bet you thought it was a legend. I did one when I was a filly, and this one is my fifth—I did one this morning, and two more before you woke up. Oh, and then that last one.”

“But how did you manage to land like that? You must have been going faster than sound.”

“Ah.” Rainbow looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, it’s because, um, I guess you wouldn’t know yet. Erm, remember how Rarity’s wings melted, ‘cause they were made of morning dew or something not awesome like that? Well, you and Soarin’ and, um, Minty—

“Misty.”

“—right, Misty dived to save her, but she knocked you three out with her hooves, and then I dived to save everypony because that’s how awesome I am, and—“ Rainbow looked down and flattened her ears a little bit, “—well, don’t be mad, but I kinda didn’t pull out of the dive fast enough. I wasn’t gonna leave anypony behind, but it was too late to pull out, and, well, here we are.”

“Which is?”

Dash looked around curiously. In truth, she hadn’t really thought about it all that much, which was sort of her nature. “Well, um, I guess it’s either Tartarus or the Summer Lands, or something like that.” She looked brightly back at Spitfire who still seemed to be trying to process it all.

“So, in a nutshell, you’re saying we’re all dead.”

“Yup, me, you, Rarity, Soarin’, and Mindy.”

“Misty.”

“Right. But it’ll be totally awesome, ‘cause I won’t have to work at all, and I can hang out with the Wonderbolts, like, all the time.”

Spitfire sighed. Eternity might be a lot longer than she had anticipated. “How did the other two take it?”

“Well, they’re not awake yet.” Rainbow looked over. “Maybe you should wake them up. I guess maybe I’m not so good at breaking bad news.”

Spitfire looked at the enthusiastic Pegasus. “No, I don’t suppose you are.”

“Right, I’m off to try another sonic rainboom. See ya in a bit!” She shot off into the sky, leaving Spitfire to explain what had happened to her two co-fliers.

* * *

Eventually, the five ponies had come to terms with the change in their circumstances, and began to explore the new land in which they found themselves. They were somewhat surprised that nopony had come to greet them, but decided that perhaps that really wasn’t necessary in this place. They were a little surprised to find that they were slightly hungry; however, Rainbow discovered that the grass tasted fantastic. It took a while to convince Rarity to try to eat grass right from the ground ‘like a common pony,’ but she eventually capitulated, and agreed it was the best grass she had ever eaten.

When they had finished, Soarin’ looked at the grass wistfully. “If only there were some apple trees, and some grain, perhaps I could have an apple pie.”

The other ponies nodded in agreement.

“In fact, I wish I could have an apple pie right now,” he amplified.

An apple pie, fresh-baked, appeared in front of him.

Soarin’, never one to look a gift pie in the mouth, promptly ate it.

“Do you suppose,” Rarity suggested, turning slightly green at Soarin’s uncouth method of pie-eating, “that whatever anypony wishes for comes true in this place?”

“I dunno,” Rainbow offered.

“It would hardly be pony heaven if we were wanting for anything,” Spitfire suggested.

“Does it not take away the challenge of a thing if it is given freely, with no effort?”

“Nopony asked your opinion, Misty,” Soarin’ mumbled around a mouthful of pie.

“Hey, look, there’s some more ponies,” Rainbow said. “Let’s go over and greet them!”

Author's Note:

What if Rainbow didn't pull out of her dive when she did the Sonic Rainboom?

I explored that idea a couple of different ways, but I wasn't really satisfied with any of them. For this particular story, I considered having Rarity organize the ponies (presumably there's more than just Rainbow, Rarity, Soarin', Spitfire, and Misty), and build a duplicate Ponyville, which the appropriate ruler of the afterlife would eventually discover, become annoyed, and send them back for ruining the afterlife. But it just wasn't working out, and there was WAY too much world-building needed for a silly little one-shot. Then I thought I could play on the comedic interactions between the Wonderbolts, Rarity, and Rainbow, but that really didn't go anywhere, either.

Also, while it's a kind of funny joke, I doubt Rainbow would forget the name of one of the Wonderbolts.

"The Summer Lands" is a reference to It's a Dangerous Business

Comments

[Themaskedferret]

*Grins* Very cute, I confess the only part that baffled me was dash forgetting the name of a bolt XD

[tsaukpaetra]

I suppose if Rainbow had organized everyone in such manner, the overlord would institute rebirth...

[Lancerlot]

Shortly after the "Rainbow Splash."
<Some of the soil has been fused into GLASS!)
<Oh, Celestia have mercy!)
<Like the saying goes, "There's no coming back from chunky salsa." Angry glares. "What, too soon?)
<Let's just fill in the crater and put five headstones on top.)

Of course, this is the same Rainbow Dash who rainboomed an old barn into flinders, so maybe she'd be OK.

[Admiral Biscuit]

8252311

Of course, this is the same Rainbow Dash who rainboomed an old barn into flinders, so maybe she'd be OK.

She was wearing safety goggles when she blew up the barn, though. Those are what saved her life.