The start of a beautiful "friendship"

by Night Fire

realationships part 1

Hello, I am appreciating the favorites and the comments. To anybody who is reading and isn’t commenting, telling me what I’m doing wrong on or if I’m doing good, or what I could improve on, please comment, and yes I am referring to you, KC. Now let’s start this, I am going to use the next few chapters to explain the relationships. If you want specific ones in the next chapter please tell me. I will have more than just these relationships in the story and any I put in is likely to have a part in the story. Big, small, or even just for comedy relief they will be in there. Time to get this chapter started.

Seeing as the easiest way to have everypony find out, would be to head to a public place they all headed to Sugarcube Corner, where everypony would be there at some point and simply sat down, at one of the few booths, as ponies came in they saw them sitting there, everypony cuddled with their special somepony and in honesty just left them alone, why ruin somepony’s happiness? After about half an hour they got up, grabbed some food, and sat down, nervous.

“Alright, who wants to be the first pony to explain how the hay this happened?” Twilight said looking at them. None of them rose up for a while then Applejack decided to tell, with Rarity of course.

“Well guess we should be the first to tell, seeing as nopony else is brave enough.” Applejack said looking at everypony else who was no paying close attention. It was during the Sleepover at your house Twilight. We both bonded, as you know, but we bonded as a lot more than friends. We realized this late that night, after you went to sleep. We simply looked at each other and got closer and closer.”

“Of course we wanted the other to admit their love so we started to talk.” Rarity said, taking over, “We simply both smiled and said at the same time ‘I love you’ and then we leaned in and kissed.” Rarity said leaning over and kissing Applejack who blushed before kissing her back. The cakes saw this and gasped at the fact that two mares in their shop were kissing.

“Oh hush you two. It’s not like we are having sex!” Applejack said causing Rarity to blush in embarrassment. Their friends just shook their heads in annoyance as their friends continued to kiss. They didn’t stop till they needed some air.

“All right well that seems kinda simple, so who’s next?” Twilight asked.

“Well why not you?” Rainbow said trying to stall for time.

“I want to go last because mine is most recent. But thanks for speaking up Rainbow Dash. How about you and Fluttershy tell us?”

“What! That’s unfa-“Rainbow Dash started to say but surprisingly Fluttershy was the one to interrupt her.

“They have a right to know, so sit down, shut up, and let me explain unless you want to.” Fluttershy said in a startling commanding tone. Rainbow Dash instantly cooled down and let Fluttershy explain.

“Back at the summer flight camp when all the kids would tease me, only rainbow ever stood up for me, like when she preformed the sonic rainboom in a race to shut up those three bullies. But also one time some of the kids were taking it too far. They had somehow gotten a pair of scissors and were trying to cut my mane and tail. When Rainbow saw she literally kicked their asses into next week.”

“Wait, hold on, how do you literally kick somepony into next week?” Twilight asked feeling confused.

“Well when you beat them up faster than the sound barrier, and they don’t wake up for a week I guess that counts.” Rainbow said suddenly sounding as if she was Fluttershy.

“Anyways after that they left me alone for the most part and Rainbow Dash taught me how to fly and I didn’t fall until I gained my cutie mark and after that I would fly down to the ground more often to visit the animals. One time I took her with me and she was amazed at how I could understand all of the animals and they understood me just fine.” Fluttershy continued with a confident tone. Rainbow looked as if she was trying to sink into the seat and hide but Fluttershy was holding her hoof to make sure she didn’t run off.

“Fluttershy, do you have to tell them the next part or can we just skip over it?” Rainbow asked with a pleading look on her face, it now being redder than the red in her mane.

“Nope, they should hear it. It’s much more interesting than what happened with Applejack and Rarity.” Fluttershy said with a very unlike her smirk making Rainbow grimance.

Suddenly everypony at the table were paying very close attention, and even a lot of the customers had stopped to listen in on what was so embarrassing to the rainbow maned mare. The table noticed but ignored them and motioned for Fluttershy to tell them what had happened.

“Well a bunch of the animals swarmed around us and led us to the cottage were I currently live. It was abandoned but apparently the animals were keeping up with it, making it stay nice that way somebody can eventually live there. They took us in there, then closed to door, it confused Rainbow, but I took advantage of it. I quickly tackled Rainbow to the ground, and forcefully put my mouth up to hers.” Fluttershy said smirking at Rainbow who was blushing 50 different shades of red.

“Wait so in your relationship, you’re the dominant one in the relationship Fluttershy?” Trixie said looking at her. Out of everything she had heard about this mare, it just didn’t seem reasonable.

“Yes, I am as you would say, the man in this relationship.” Fluttershy said smirking, “After she got over her initial shock she went with the flow, and kissed me back.”

*****Backflash********

A younger Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were in the empty cottage and were kissing, they broke for a moment to take a breath and Rainbow used that time to ask a question.

“Fluttershy, why?”

“Because, well I don’t know, you stood up for me, helped me, and protected me. I felt like I should repay you but I didn’t know how. This was the only thing I could think of.” Fluttershy said with a small blush.

“Oh, I see, it’s just a thank you for me helping you. Allright, I get it.” Rainbow said turning to the door. Fluttershy was confused until she saw some tears hit the ground. “Nice to know, Fluttershy, that’s the only reason why you kissed me.”

“Rainbow, that’s not the only reason. I kissed you because I like you in more than just a friendly way. I don’t know if I’d call it love yet, but I know for a fact that kiss was more than just a thank you. I know you may not like other females but I had to at least give it a shot.” Fluttershy said to Rainbow before she could open the door.

Rainbow wiped her head around fast enough you could see the air move. She then smiled and nuzzled her new marefriend. “Of course I care for you in the same way Fluttershy. Why else would I have kissed back?”

*****End of flashback******

Everyone sat there, their mouth hanging open in shock. Rarity was the first to recover.

“So you two have been with each other for that long?” She said shocked.

“Yeah, and now that I think about it, who in each of the relationships, is the dominant one?” Fluttershy said.

Twilight, Applejack, Scootalo, Applebloom, and Pinkinema all raised their hands. Their partners nodded and accepted that they were not the dominant one in their relationship.

“So that basically sums up how we got to gather and for how long. So who wants to go next?” Rainbow said still red as a tomato.

“I guess we will.” Said one of them.

I know this seems like a crappy cliff hanger but I am having trouble deciding who’s relationships I should explain next chapter. If you want a specific one, tell me in the comment. I’m not doing the twixie one until the final chapter of explanations. So tell me which ones you want next chapter and tell me what I can do to improve. Bless your face. If you sneezed during this chapter bless you. Peace off

Comments

[Little Jackie Papercut]

First. Okay, I'm not going to comment on your pacing this time because it's a little hard for me to gauge here. But please, get an editor.

You start the chapter with a big run-on sentence with the commas in the wrong places. I've rewritten it below to be more correct. Changes are in bold. Parts that sound especially strange to me are underlined.

Seeing as [Weak, consider changing to "Since"] the easiest way to have everypony find out would be to head to a public place, they all headed to Sugarcube Corner, where everypony would be there at some point[???], and simply sat down at one of the few booths. As ponies came in they saw them sitting there, everypony cuddled with their special somepony, and in honesty [Weak and superfluous, consider deleting] just left them alone. Why ruin somepony’s happiness?

There are a lot of patches like this throughout, places where you definitely needed a proofreader more than a spellchecker..

Okay, I get the concept that Fluttershy is the dominant one in the relationship, but that doesn't really help me accept her acting out of character with the rest of her friends. Pointing it out repeatedly doesn't either, unless she's a replicant.

The cliffhanger really is weak, but that's because it's poorly written.

“I guess we will.” Said one of them.

The proper way to express an action without identifying the individual taking the action is to provide enough other details that the reader believes they have actually read something. But that line isn't something, it's nothing. An appropriate way to accomplish what you're going for would be something like...

Gradually, a hoof crept into the air, and everypony's eyes turned to its owner. There was a beat before the words came.
"We will."

Or...

To Twilight's right, there was a forceful "eh-hem". She turned quickly with an encouraging smile. "Oh yes, I've been really curious to hear this one," she said, nodding. "Go on.".

And one final thought... I really want to beg you again to doublespace your paragraphs. It makes it so much more readable.

[Swift Gale]

@Little Jackie Papercut Dude, really? Okay, first off, is it your story? No. Should you tell people how to write a story that isn't yours? NO!!! Just enjoy the story and be glad it's even being written. Remember, he is new here and although he is on fanfiction.net, this site has different rules. Plus, he's busy most of the time, so he kinda doesn't have time to fix mistakes. Cut him some slack!!

[Night Fire]

Little Jakie Pappercut, I thank you for the review but like what flutterdash242 just said, Shut up about my grammer. I don't have enough time to fix everything and if I sent it to my grammer nazi friend, it would take about a week for it to be posted. I'm getting better and also I said my cliffhanger was shit and I didn't put hoof because for all you know, it could be spike. If I said hoof, that makes sure it's not spike. So either read it, or don't. I don't give a buck. I have all these bucks to give but I just can't. I'm too busy loving and tolrating, So you either deal with it, or you find somthing else.
To Flutterdash242

[Little Jackie Papercut]

436847
You don't get what the point of comments is, do you? It's not so we can mindlessly praise stuff, that's for sure. I was bringing stuff to his attention so he can improve on it, and providing some examples for him. "Cut him some slack"? I wasn't even being harsh!
439660
You ASKED for people to tell you what you were doing wrong and what you could improve on! Don't get all defensive when someone actually does! Thanks for commenting on my profile, though, I never would have seen this asinine reply if you hadn't done that. Don't count on any more help.