One
"Do ya like it?" Apple Bloom asked. She held up a drawing of a jet black cat with green eyes who was sitting on a pumpkin. "I made it just for you."
Applejack looked up from her bowl of Wheat Brand. She squinted as the morning sun blazed in her eyes.
"That's really good. Maybe you'll get your cutie mark in drawing." Applejack replied.
"Ya think so?"
Apple Jack nodded.
It was Monday morning. Which meant one week until Nightmare Night. It also meant big bucks for selling apples. A.J could already see Filthy Rich paying handsomely. After all, he threw one of the best, thanks to Pinkie Pie, Nightmare Parties in town. So he'll need a lot of apples for apple bobbing and caramel apples.
"Do ya know what you're gonna be?" she questioned her little sister.
"I'm gonna be Catmare!" Apple Bloom chimed.
"Catmare?" Granny Smith walked into the kitchen and poured herself some warm apple cider. "Who in the hay is that?"
"She's a villain in Batcolt." Applejack explained.
Granny Smith walked over to her granddaughters and sighed.
"In my days we didn't have superheroes and villains named after animals."
"Really? Then what were their names?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Ironstallion, Ghost Killers, and Captain Zoo just to name a few." Smith answered.
"Cool!" The filly reached for a pear from the fruit basket on the table. "I can't wait for Friday! Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and I have all ready figured out the rout we're gonna go on."
Then she turned to her sister and put on her best puppy face.
"Can we bring Winona with us?" Apple Bloom pleaded.
The brown and white collie jumped up out of her blue dog bed and started to wag her tail when she heard her name.
Applejack sighed, "Apple Bloom, ya can't take Winona."
"Why not?"
"Because with her canine abilities, it'll give her a really big advantage in the apple bobbing." Granny Smith explained.
The thought of Winona with her head in a wooden box, chasing apples made Apple Bloom grin. However, A.J only shook her head.
Granny Smith looked at the kitchen clock and smiled, "Come on ya two. It's time to buck some apples." the elderly pony said.
"But Pinkie Pie said that Scootaloo and I can help her brainstorm for party games." Apple Bloom explained.
"What about Sweetie Belle?" Apple Jack asked.
"She's helping Rarity with our costumes."
Granny Smith patted Apple Bloom's head, "I guess ya could go."
The filly smiled and then hopped down from the chair, "See ya." she called out. Then Apple Bloom galloped out the door and headed off to Sugar Cube Corner.
"Identifying slimy things in jars." Scootaloo said.
Suddenly, Apple Bloom opened the front door panting, "Sorry I'm late." she breathed.
"Don't worry." Pinkie Pie said. Then she patted a chair and the country filly jumped up onto it.
"What do we have so far?" Apple Bloom asked.
Pinkie Pie looked at her list, "Just apple bobbing and identifying slimy things in jars."
"Okay then. How about we git jelly beans out of powder sugar using only our teeth." The red maned filly replied.
As Pinkie scribbled on the piece of paper, Scootaloo reached for the plate of sugar cookies on the table. They were shaped like pumpkins and frosted with orange butter cream.
"Pin the tail on the headless horse?" Pinkie Pie questioned.
Scootalo shook her head. Even though the camping trip was one year ago, the headless horse still gave the filly creeps.
"What about doughnuts on strings then." The pink mare suggested.
The two fillies nodded their heads.
Then, there was a soft knock at the door.
"I bet that's Fluttershy." Pinkie Pie said excitedly.
She slipped out of her chair then hopped towards the door. Once she opened it, Pinkie was greeted by a masked pony with a chainsaw.
"Hi Dashie." Pinkie Pie chimed.
The pony took off her mask and scowled.
"How in the hay did ya know it was me?" she demanded.
"Because I saw you buying the same hokey mask at the Nightmare Night store."
Rainbow Dash entered the bakery and then put the fake chainsaw and hockey mask on the floor.
"Rainbow Dash!" Scootalo shouted.
The filly jumped off the chair and galloped towards the blue pegasus. Giving her a hug.
"Nice ta see you too kid." Rainbow smiled.
"What are ya doing here?" Apple Bloom questioned. Her mouth full of sugar cookie.
"Pinkie Pie and I are going to put together a haunted house." She answered. Then she picked up Scootalo and placed her on her shoulder, "What are you kids doing here?" the pegasus asked.
"Pinkie Pie is letting us help her brainstorm activities for the party." Apple Bloom replied.
Rainbow Dash flew carefully over to the table and started to read the paper.
"Hanging doughnuts and cookies? That's my favorite!" Rainbow explained.
Scootalo hopped down her idol's shoulder and then climbed back onto the wooden chair.
"It's my favorite too." she said.
Rainbow Dash smiled down at the orange filly.
Suddenly, the oven timer began to buzz.
"Oh! My cupcakes!"
Then Pinkie Pie galloped to the oven, turned off the timer, and then opened the oven door. She was quickly greeted with hot steam as she pulled out the tray of blue colored cupcakes.
"Blue?" Apple Bloom asked.
Pinkie set the tray on the kitchen counter and closed the oven door.
"For the main event, I'm going to pretend to be a psychotic killer who kills Rainbow Dash and then I'm going to turn her into cupcakes."
"That sound gruesome." Scootalo gulped.
Rainbow Dash gave the filly a playful noogie, which calmed the orange pegasus.
"So do ya know which houses your going to trick-or-treat at?" The blue pegasus asked.
She took a seat next to Scootalo. Apple Bloom and Pinkie Pie were sitting diagonal from her.
"We're going to risk going to Diamond Tiara's and Silver Spoon's houses since they give out full sized candy bars." Apple Bloom replied.
"We're going to skip Colgate's house since she just gives out floss." Scootalo informed.
"And we're going to go to Twilight's last because we still need to return some books." The orange filly said.
"The first house we're going to go to is Ditzy's because she gives out double chocolate muffins." Apple Bloom finished.
Pinkie Pie put her hooves on her stomach.
"Ugh. Now you're making me hungry." she moaned.
Rainbow and Scootalo laughed while Apple Bloom shook her head smiling.
The two fillies waved goodbye to Rainbow and Pinkie before heading outside.
"Let's check on Sweetie Bell." suggested Scootalo.
Apple Bloom nodded her head and then the fillies headed towards Carousal Boutique.
"Sweetie Bell stop moving." Rarity commanded.
When the two fillies entered the boutique, Rarity looked over her shoulder and motioned them to come over to her. When they did, she handed them each two rolls of fabric.
"I'm so glad you've come." she smiled.
"Can I go now?" Sweetie Bell whined.
She's been in the same standing position for one hour.
Rarity sighed and then levitated the dress off of her sister.
"So where's our costumes?" Scootalo questioned.
"Over here." the unicorn filly lead her friends over to three mannequins.
"There...so...AWESOME!" Scootalo shouted.
"Can we try them on?" Apple Bloom asked.
Sweetie Bell looked at her sister who nodded her head. They then took their dresses and proceeded to put them on, Rarity helping with some minor pieces.
"I'm Catmare!" shouted Apple Bloom.
She was dressed in black silk that covered her body. Her face was concealed by a plastic cat mask with realistic looking whiskers. A feathered tail was attached to her bottom.
"Watch out soul eaters!" Sweetie Belle shouted.
She was dressed in a simple brown and black robe with a snowy owl pin attached to it. The filly had black rimmed glasses with a drawn on lightning bolt on her forehead.
"What are ya suppose to be again?" Apple Bloom asked.
"I'm Henry Poker." Sweetie answered.
"And I'm the most awesomeness mare in Equestria!" Scootalo jumped out of the red curtains.
She was painted in blue and had a rainbow wig and tail. Rarity put a fake tattoo of a cloud with a rainbow colored lightning bolt and even put violet contacts in the filly's eyes.
"Wow! If ya were one foot taller, ya could be Rainbow's twin." Bloom complimented.
Rarity walked out of the curtains wearing a silver crown, crystal slippers, and a light blue dress.
The three fillies stared at her blankly.
"I'm a princess." Rarity sighed.
"Aren't you a little old to dress up as a princess?" Sweetie Bell questioned.
"You are never to old to be a princess Sweetie. Now why don't you get out of those costumes and do your cutie mark crusading."
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This is good
The story is starting off pretty good. A simple slice of life i see. However there are quite a few things that needs to be mentioned. I'll start with the grammar mistakes.
Meant*
this should say 'already'
Villain*
Superheroes* and Villain*
Sweetie Belle*, Scootaloo*, already*, and route*
Ya* (since this is Applejack speaking.)
Scootaloo*
Sweetie Belle* (almost all of the times you named these two, their names were spelled wrong.)
Dashie* (That's the spelling of the nickname Pinkie gave her.)
not a big deal, but there is a space between the quotation start and the first word. Also, instead of explained, put exclaimed.
Position*
That's all the misspellings I noticed. Now to the other kinds of grammar mistakes.
Not necessary to add the second part to her speech on another line. Just merely add it after the action she performed. ex:
It seems like there is a gap between Granny Smith giving names of heroes and Applebloom going straight to talking about the route. It makes it seem like she ignored what her granny said. I don't know if this is true, but if it's not, try to add something there. A suggestion would be this:
If she did ignore her then Applebloom, you are one rude filly.
Question mark instead of a period.
Comma instead of a period.
Weird way to start a break in your story. I honestly don't have any idea to fix it either, so i'll just leave as is. Might be best to add a bit more explanation next time tho.
Comma instead of a period after pegasus. Also change to 'off'
Same as last: Comma instead of period.
The break in story that you put here either isn't needed, or needs to be adjusted. An example is this:
That would make more sense. Just a suggestion tho. Also, and I just noticed this now, Carousel is spelled wrong. Its spelled by how i just spelled it.
Change 'here' to 'to her'. Makes more sense that way.
Knowing Rarity's personality, instead of lifting her sister out of the dress, she would rather lift the dress off of Sweetie Belle. just switch that up a bit.
A bit of information seems to be missing here after Rarity allows them to try the dresses on. I'll give another example.
Again, this is only a suggestion, so take it as you will.
Those commas need to be replaced with a period except the ones after whiskers and bolt. Those need to be removed completely.
Those are all the grammatical mistakes i could find. Now another thing is Applejack's name. It is always combined like i just wrote. Applebloom's i'm not so sure of but I put it together too. However, I know for a fact that Applejack's name is combined.
Another thing is their speaking patterns. It seems you don't know if you want to use their country accent of not. If you do, I suggest looking at a page that helps to make writing their speech easier.
Lastly, I want to point out the spacing and indents. Now, these aren't really necessary, but it does make reading more comfortable for the reader. A space after each finished paragraph or speech is nice. The indenting is on and off for you. You have it in some places, but not everywhere it's needed. Its best to decide if you want to or not and stick with it.
Thats all I have to criticize. I wont repeat the mistakes on later chapters, but will point out any extras. The story is still good tho.
4330563
Thank you!
I enjoyed it. Very cute. I liked all the spoofs (Batman and Harry Potter, etc.). It brings back such fond childhood memories of Halloween past. A suggestion for improvement would be to include a little more description, and a little less dialogue. Overall, a wonderful read. Thanks for posting!