It's almost Nightmare Night and Apple Bloom can't wait. However, she soon finds a kitten in a bowl of candy corn and decides to help find it a home.
Cover art by Jacob Bading
Chapters (12)
pokefreak13
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This is good
4224986
Thank You.
The end!
Hmmm... Thumbs up definitely.
The filly smiled, grabbed three more apples, and took one bite out of each
That's the same thing my sister used to do [She'd take a bite of every fruit in the Bowl and turn it around so it looks good [She did this regularly though
The story is starting off pretty good. A simple slice of life i see. However there are quite a few things that needs to be mentioned. I'll start with the grammar mistakes.
Meant*
this should say 'already'
Villain*
Superheroes* and Villain*
Sweetie Belle*, Scootaloo*, already*, and route*
Ya* (since this is Applejack speaking.)
Scootaloo*
Sweetie Belle* (almost all of the times you named these two, their names were spelled wrong.)
Dashie* (That's the spelling of the nickname Pinkie gave her.)
not a big deal, but there is a space between the quotation start and the first word. Also, instead of explained, put exclaimed.
Position*
That's all the misspellings I noticed. Now to the other kinds of grammar mistakes.
Not necessary to add the second part to her speech on another line. Just merely add it after the action she performed. ex:
It seems like there is a gap between Granny Smith giving names of heroes and Applebloom going straight to talking about the route. It makes it seem like she ignored what her granny said. I don't know if this is true, but if it's not, try to add something there. A suggestion would be this:
If she did ignore her then Applebloom, you are one rude filly.
Question mark instead of a period.
Comma instead of a period.
Weird way to start a break in your story. I honestly don't have any idea to fix it either, so i'll just leave as is. Might be best to add a bit more explanation next time tho.
Comma instead of a period after pegasus. Also change to 'off'
Same as last: Comma instead of period.
The break in story that you put here either isn't needed, or needs to be adjusted. An example is this:
That would make more sense. Just a suggestion tho. Also, and I just noticed this now, Carousel is spelled wrong. Its spelled by how i just spelled it.
Change 'here' to 'to her'. Makes more sense that way.
Knowing Rarity's personality, instead of lifting her sister out of the dress, she would rather lift the dress off of Sweetie Belle. just switch that up a bit.
A bit of information seems to be missing here after Rarity allows them to try the dresses on. I'll give another example.
Again, this is only a suggestion, so take it as you will.
Those commas need to be replaced with a period except the ones after whiskers and bolt. Those need to be removed completely.
Those are all the grammatical mistakes i could find. Now another thing is Applejack's name. It is always combined like i just wrote. Applebloom's i'm not so sure of but I put it together too. However, I know for a fact that Applejack's name is combined.
Another thing is their speaking patterns. It seems you don't know if you want to use their country accent of not. If you do, I suggest looking at a page that helps to make writing their speech easier.
Lastly, I want to point out the spacing and indents. Now, these aren't really necessary, but it does make reading more comfortable for the reader. A space after each finished paragraph or speech is nice. The indenting is on and off for you. You have it in some places, but not everywhere it's needed. Its best to decide if you want to or not and stick with it.
Thats all I have to criticize. I wont repeat the mistakes on later chapters, but will point out any extras. The story is still good tho.
I see the same repeated mistakes and grammar misspellings, but nothing other than that. Good on ya. Im interested on the next chap. Reading on!
Also,
A sea of salt water taffy? Yum! ^
Fix that to 'hey' also
I think you meant Definitely, not defiantly.
uh, Sweetie Belle isn't orange..... Is she?
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRh5ca48s_K2EcErN49ZBPsVS3xgVfKToz9teHDLQnOnPAbZbIe
Striped*
I wouldn't say comedy, more just a slice of Life with a mix of sadness Just my opinion tho. It doesn't warrant a tago for sad tho.
She*
You seem to be missing a word here. Reread it and you will know what i mean.
4330563
Thank you!
Yes! They deserved that for messin with Zecora!
that was a very good read. It did end rather abruptly and I kinda got lost at what they were talking about at the end, but i kinda figured it as what Luna did in the Nightmare night episode. Fix the grammar mistakes and you have yourself a good story.
10 out of 10 for Slice of Life
5 out of 10 for Alternate Universe
6 out of 10 for grammar
8 out of 10 for overall story.
A like will be sent your way. good job
4337869
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this story!
4337880
Welcome. Thanks for the good read.
I enjoyed it. Very cute. I liked all the spoofs (Batman and Harry Potter, etc.). It brings back such fond childhood memories of Halloween past. A suggestion for improvement would be to include a little more description, and a little less dialogue. Overall, a wonderful read. Thanks for posting!
5101202 Thank you and I'll try to add more detail.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/611/555/5f6.gif
No...it's...it's too much...I can't...
Pretty sure he's a colt
You don't need to correct anything, this is just a bit of a fact. You can't figure out the sex of a cat like you do a dog, you look under their butt, for lack of a less vulgar term, and for the two lumps. That indicates male. Neutered cats and females don't have these.
6122079 Whoops.
6122092 Ohh.