The Curse of A Well-Read Man

by LeoneHaxor

Chapter 11 - A Royal Reception

The Beast was in a surprisingly comfortable position. The carriage itself was nicely upholstered, and the view was breathtaking, bolstered only by the night atmosphere. Three guards sat in the actual carriage with him, despite being pegasi like the ones in charge of the transport.

The Beast looked down to spot a sprawling metropolis clinging to the side of a mountain. "Let me guess: that is our destination?" he said over the roar of the winds outside.

One guard nodded. "Yep, Canterlot."

Another guard confirmed this. "Canterlot."

The Beast was almost sickened by the pun. "Canterlot," he groaned with a verbal facepalm.

"It's only a model."

"..."

"..."

"..."

The Beast looked over to see the third guard sitting disinterestedly in a corner. His name, according to a little name tag on his armor, was Wall Breaker the Fourth.

The first guard attempted to break the silence. "...so. Canterlot."

The Beast, no longer caring about appearances, buried his 'face' in his palm.

---

Native Twilight looked around the room in surprise, wondering what just happened.

Lee suddenly poked his head from the hallway, looking embarrassed. "As much as I wanted to pull a Batman exit, I can't quite do that without knowing where to go. Or without my bag, for that matter."

Twilight facehoofed. "The Red Bard's probably asleep. Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Lee looked at a wall clock. It read "12:07." If the man truly was a schoolteacher, he would be fast asleep by this hour. After all, it just became Friday, and the children would be dead focused on the weekend.

"...you make a good point," Lee conceded finally.

Suddenly, a thought struck the Silvertongue: What's the next best thing to talking to someone? Talking to someone who knows who you really want to talk to.

"Perhaps you could tell me what you know about the man," Lee said as he took his seat again.

Twilight gave Lee a long look before putting a hoof to her chin. "Well... he lives by himself at the edge of town. He doesn't spend a lot of time in Ponyville, but he's a really nice guy. He's really popular with the foals." Twilight gave a small smile. "If they had their way, he'd never step foot outside the town limits."

Lee considered this, and tilted his head in thought. "I was led to believe that ponies don't get along with humans in general. How is he allowed to teach children?" he inquired with a small frown on his face.

Twilight raised a brow. "You make it sound like ponies don't have our own 'problem citizens'. After all, we have Rarity and Lyra."

Lee had an idea or two about Lyra, but raised a brow at the other name. I know Lyra's issues, but Rarity's...' he wondered silently. What the hell does she do?'

I believe you mean, "who doesn't she do?" his "inner smartass" replied.

Lee paused. Being a nymphomaniac isn't so bad.

Not if you're a hot pink monster truck.

The Silvertongue blinked twice. Wait, what?

The "inner smartass" cut him off. You don't want to know, and I don't want to dwell on that.

The Silvertongue shivered. "Point taken," Lee said aloud.

Twilight attributed his awkward pause to the unnervingly common 'Lyra Initiated - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,' or LI-PTSD, and thus acted as if nothing was abnormal about his behavior.

"Well, not all humans are as bad as the majority." Twilight pointed a hoof at the Silvertongue. "Like your friends, and Obama. You seem the part of the 10% that are sane," she finished wearily.

Lee raised a brow, gears spinning in his head. "You specifically believe 10% of the humans here are sane?"

Twilight's face flushed, as if questioning her numbers made her less of a mare. "Well, it's a rough percentile, but it's accurate enough. Why?"

"It just proves the universal belief that Equestrians are only accepting of like-minded individuals," Lee said calmly.

Twilight raised a brow. "How so?"

Lee waved his hand. "Almost all of your kind here are gay," he said casually.

Silias facepalmed loudly from his corner of the room, and Twilight stared at Lee blankly.

Lee coughed, realizing what he just said. "In the tense of sexual preference, I mean," he clarified, "and not 'gay' the insult, or as the synonym for happy."

It took her a moment to connect the dots. "Oh...then you were saying about 10% of your kind are homosexuals, right?" Twilight pondered this for a moment. "That makes a disturbing amount of sense." She looked between Lee and Silias for a beat, turbines whirring in her head. "Hold on, does that mean that you're-?"

Lee's eyes widened. "Very, very straight! I happen to have a girlfriend, thank you very much," he said quickly.

Silias looked directly at Lee as the sentence left his lips.

Twilight raised a brow, looking from Silias to Lee thoughtfully. "...if you insist..." she said slowly. "Though your taxes will be through the roof. Are you sure you want to plead 'not gay'?"

Silias frowned. "You tax the heterosexuals more than the homosexuals? That can't be good for the birth rate around here..."

Twilight shrugged. "The national proportion of homo to heterosexual citizens is closer than you'd think. Ponyville just happens to be the gay capital of Equestria, thanks to Rainbow Dash." She frowned. "Wait... worldwide, only 10% of ponykind are straight. How do we keep a stable birth rate?"

"Rather interesting topic, one I would love to go in depth into while learning about this world, but for now can you just tell me more about this Red Bard? Perhaps how I would recognize him here?" Lee interrupted, moving the conversation back on topic.

Twilight frowned again, but acquiesced to his request. "Well, he has this red leather getup that even here screams 'Renaissance Fair,' but I've never actually seen his face. He rarely removes that smiling mask of his around ponies."

Lee's brow shot up, but only one of his questions rose to his lips. "He never showed you his face, yet you allow him to be around children?"

"Hey, he might dress weird, but at least he isn't Rainbow Dash," Twilight deadpanned.

There were the sound of cannon-blasts, and Lee's "inner smartass" said, Did you hear that? Those were shots fired.

Lee struggled to keep his face neutral. The mental voice was shamelessly enjoying this discord in the ranks, laughing heartily at the prismatic pegasus' expense.

"Rainbow Dash can't be that bad," Lee said in surprise.

"I don't quite know what to make of her," Silias suddenly said, casually cleaning his sunglasses. "She seems to be on the level, as far as general intelligence and her moral compass goes..."

Twilight scoffed.

"...but she doesn't have a gift for taking care of children," he finished matter-of-factly. "The stories I heard from Scootaloo...it's a wonder that the filly isn't in traction."

Lee looked between Silias and Twilight for a moment. He mentally filed that under 'Study Later,' but did little else. "I see. But what else do you know of The Red Bard?" Lee asked the mare.

Twilight shrugged. "Not much. Apart from his teaching position, the only time he really comes into town is to buy groceries. That and the incident with the noodles, of course," she said as an afterthought.

Lee and Silias exchanged a glance.

"...but... I know this circles back to your question about why he can teach foals, but I believe it's due to his close connection to the princess," Twilight said carefully.

"Princess? As in Princess Celestia?" Lee asked in confusion.

Silias reacted as if he saw Winston Churchill go-karting with Hitler. Lee noted this and had a sudden thought. The Beast was currently on his way to the castle. If Silias was acting jumpy at the mention of that princess, who knows what The Beast would do when lack-of-a-face-to-face with her?

The inner smartass treated Lee to an image of Celestia getting hit in the face with Aniland. He tried desperately not to laugh, but the inner smartass had no such qualms.

Twilight shook her head. "No, The Red Bard barely tolerates Celestia's visits. He goes off to the human settlement if she comes within catapult distance. However, he's good friends with Princess Luna...ever since she was reverted from Nightmare Moon, now that I think about it," she said thoughtfully.

Lee considered this carefully. This merited further research. "Is there any chance that he visits the castle, in that case?"

Twilight shook her head again. "He doesn't go there very often. And since it is a school night, he's likely to be home. Sleeping. At this late hour. Like sensible people do."

Lee caught the hint. He may have been hiding it well, but the Silvertongue was running on a mix of sheer willpower, sugary baked goods, and a strange metabolism for chaos, like the average Reddit user. "Then we should all do the same," he said with a smile. "Thank you for your help so far."

Twilight returned the gesture. "You're welcome." She then gazed over the mysterious book again.

"..."

"..."

It was painfully obvious what she wanted, but it was no use - Lee obviously needed this book because it would prove central to the story, so he refused to fork it over.

Lee raised a brow as he listened to the voice in his head he had dubbed the 'inner smartass'. It seemed as though it had a sudden desire to upstage the author when it came to narration. The nerve of that guy.

If he let Twilight take the book, a lot of terrible things would happen. Not to mention the fact that the author of this story would have to change quite a lot of material.

What the hell are you talking about? Lee mentally asked the voice in his head.

The voice growled. Listen, Lee. Don't play like you don't remember what that thing is, now that you've opened your pocket watch.

I'm certain of why this needs to be kept safe -

Then what are you doing? Stop her!

"...you can't take this, I'm afraid," Lee said calmly as he could, trying not to cringe at the voice in his head shouting at him. "But I could part with a novel, if you really want one of my books."

Twilight smiled. "That seems reasonable." Twilight looked over the books carefully and frowned at his book of memories.

Lee flinched. Apart from the mission at hand, he had a number of memories he did NOT want the mare to see. Luckily her attempt to read it only revealed the day of Setton's wood and propaine rocket, or 'Project Pro-PAIN' as Lee called it, and refused any of her attempts to see more.

Twilight's horn blazed as she considered the book, half a dozen scanning spells furiously working over its pages. "...who put these wards on your diary?" she said after a minute.

Lee seamlessly replied, "Good old Slim Shady." A careful stare later, he amended, "The Beast, obviously. Who else would be able to do so?"

Twilight looked at him oddly and put the book of memories down. "That many seem a bit...overkill...but..."

There was a short pause as she considered something, her horn flashing in time with several overworked neurons. "Do you mind if I keep this copy of 'The Fellowship of the Ring'? It's one of the few classics that I don't have from Earth," she said finally.

Lee spread his hands slightly. "Go right ahead."

As Twilight finally made to leave, Lee called after her, saying, "Have a good night!"

"You too," Twilight replied before she paused, halfway over the threshold. She gazed back and took a hard look at the ceiling.

"I know that you claim The Beast put those wards on your book, but while that may be plausible, he didn't help with those decorations."

Lee had a good idea where this was going.

"If you're using him to explain the use of magic, do you mind telling me how you hung those streamers and ended up perfectly matching the night sky?"

Actually, that had been a direct result of Lee toying with Dresden's skill for sensing magic. What the Silvertongue had thought to be a simple ley line revealed itself as a thaumatic web across the sky. On a hunch, he channeled a small portion of that power through the streamers hanging above his head.

Lee didn't want to divulge this information – partially because he had no idea if it was common knowledge – but he also knew a flat lie could lead to trouble. That left him with the time-honored tool of the fae: the partial-truth.

"Pinkie helped me with the decorations," he replied with a simple shrug.

Twilight considered this for a moment, and then exited with a thoughtful look on her face. The door closed behind her, and the bakery was plunged into an abnormal quiet.

"..."

Hoo, boy. The voice's tone conjured the image of a man dramatically wiping his brow in relief. Better watch your step, or you'll have two Twilights following you around the multiverse. Then you'd have the makings of a Crisis on your hands!

Lee thought carefully for a moment. I doubt she'll be that persistent, but... your voice is extremely familiar...

The voice seemed taken aback. Dear, dear Lee - you've forgotten my name? I'm shocked! Shocked!

...

...well, I'm not really shocked. I *misplaced* the memory of my name soon after you let it out of your failsafe, per your own orders. Something about "avoiding a probe" from somepony. But frankly, I love watching the audience question who I am - it's simply delicious.

Lee frowned, unconsciously reaching for the timepiece in his pocket.

The familiar voice laughed. Don't worry about it right now. We can discuss the matter at length later.

Silias was frowning and saying something.

Lee snapped to attention. "Huh?"

"I said something's not right with that mare."

Silias was silent for a moment, and took off his sunglasses to reveal his eyes. "That Twilight had far too many tears in her memory, ones that she had to have ripped open herself," he stated grimly, stormy gray eyes narrowing in distaste. "Either she does a lot of experiments with memory spells, or that mare has seen things."

Lee tilted his head in consideration. "Most people just drink their bad memories away, but resorting to magical mindwipes..." he said thoughtfully. "Lord, that's a bad sign..."

Silias coaxed Biblio out of his sleeve, whispered something to the bone spider, and it promptly disappeared. "Given what we know, she's supposed to be the most scientific-minded and rational individual in this world. It's a stretch, but perhaps she needs to wipe certain memories to stay in that mindset. All the same, Biblio's going to check the Peisistratos for her book of memories, just so we know what we're dealing with here."

Lee nodded. "Just try not to skip ahead when you do look inside. I don't want us invoking Schrödinger's Suicide again, especially not in this place. But how about we just turn in for the night?" he suggested.

As they made their way to the staircase, Silias put his sunglasses back on. "I'm going to keep tabs on the town itself tomorrow," he stated simply. "I want to know just what occurs here on a daily basis."

Lee scoffed. "Or you want to keep tabs on someone in particular."

Silias looked askance at Lee. "I was a bit less than subtle during the party, wasn't I?" he said sheepishly.

Lee shook his head, grinning widely. "You made certain that filly always stood in yours or Biblio's line of sight. It's obvious how protective you were acting."

Silias raised his hands defensively. "Hey, I have a soft spot for kids in general. It's not my fault pony children are so damn adorable."

Lee continued to grin. "I'm not arguing on that front. And you can't argue that you were being as subtle as Thor." After a beat, he added, "I still think that this world's Rainbow Dash isn't a bad person - er, pony."

Silias stopped Lee mid-step. "She deliberately put a child into a freezer. Why the hell would anyone do that?"

Lee met his friend's gaze steadily. "How long was she in that freezer?"

"Several hours. Her body weight and size is low enough that she should've been inert."

"And you assume everything else Rainbow Dash has done was deliberately dangerous?"

"Absolutely. Knives, fire, fiery knives, falling onto asphalt, bombs, Jell-o, electrocution..."

Lee waved a hand. "You said it yourself, all that trauma should had left her in traction or dead by now. And since she isn't, there's only one explanation, one Rainbow Dash wanted to test extensively."

Silias paused as they reached the end of the hallway. "You're not suggesting that this Scootaloo is actually..."

Lee simply inclined his head in his direction before he opened the door on their left.

---

The Beast looked around the balcony, intrigued by the lack of crosswinds at that altitude. But then the interior of the castle drew his full attention.

The layout seemed - at first glance - to be utterly chaotic and meaningless, as potted plants could lead you to tapestries across the castle, windows led to wine cellars deep in the mountain, and casks of Minotauran Ale led to the library just three floors from the top spire.

He was being led in eldritch circles for ten minutes, and it became clear that the castle was meant to confuse and delay newcomers. A cheap power play, but one that would deter thievery or resistance.

The Beast began to grow tired of the constant moving in irrational pathways and reached out to the next opening. As he anticipated, seemingly random things in Canterlot were enchanted to act like Doors, leading to anyplace in the castle that it was calibrated to.

If that was the case, then perhaps...

The throne room, he commanded silently, as he stepped forwards into a tapestry.

And he was in the throne room. Now, that was not so excruciating, was it?

The Beast frowned. It wasn't at all difficult, as the portals acted alarmingly like standard Doors. A bit more like the Empty City's than Xanadu's, but the resemblance was a bit too thorough for his tastes.

He quickly turned his attention to a dark blue figure who was standing in astonishment. "How did you manage to get here so fast? The path to this room usually takes ponies half an hour to traverse!"

The Beast stowed his previous line of thought and tilted his head to the side, diverting his curiosity to the creature in front of him. "The question is, why have me led in such a roundabout manner when you had asked for an audience?"

The alicorn looked embarrassed. "Well, I had to make certain that you would arrive alone, and at ease. You see, my sister can be... oh, how can I say this?"

Wall Breaker the Fourth, who somehow kept pace with The Beast to use his shortcut, rolled his eyes wearily. "Prone to madness-inducing levels of masochism, sadism, and debauchery, your majesty?"

The alicorn nodded gratefully. "Exactly. If she had met you first, I doubt it would have ended well."

"Your concern is rather touching."

"Thank you."

The Beast looked at his host and went through a mental checklist. Horn, check. Wings, check. Flowing hair reminiscent of the night sky, check. Flank tattoo...I am well aware of its 'proper' name, but for now, I will refrain from using such a saccharine term...and it appears to depict a crescent moon...

"You are Princess Luna, I presume?" he said with an inclination of his head.

Luna looked at The Beast carefully, silently wondering what the hell happened to his face. "That I am. Going off of Twilight Sparkle's letter, you are known as 'The Beast'." She suddenly looked nervous. "...that is your name, is it not?"

The Beast smiled with his glitch of a mouth. "Perhaps you wish to refer to me by another title, given your obvious discomfort."

Luna gave a slight wince. "It merely seems like a derogatory title, created by those who only account for your appearance. In spite of your name, you seem to act as a gentleman."

The Beast tilted his head in amusement. "One should not judge the content of one's character by name alone, unless their reputation precedes them. For instance, I met a stallion who had the unfortunate name of 'Constantly Desperate' during my first day here. Unlike him, however, I happen have many favorable names to fall back upon - Der Großßman, The Birch King, the Thin White Duke, the slender man, and so on. Yet I believe that my current title is easier to wield in a casual conversation."

Luna raised a brow. "Then where did your current title originate?"

The Beast smiled. "Prophesies pertaining to the Terminal Coming of Rapture. While I doubt you could find those prophesies in this world, I suppose you might find an alternative to them in the Christian Bible, particularly in the Book of Revelations."

Luna nodded. "Very well, Beast. I shall commit that to memory."

An awkward silence descended upon them as they wondered what the hell they were going to talk about.

"..."

"..."

"...so. Whose idea was it to name this castle 'Canterlot'?"

Luna spared a wide glance at their surroundings. "Celestia's. She built it while I was banished to the moon."

The Beast placed a hand on his chin while evaluating his surroundings. "Ah. It would also explain how very little of the design reflects your place among the royalty."

Luna's eye twitched, and The Beast realized that he touched a nerve. "I've been trying to get this place redecorated, but each time my sister asks how I know anything about interior design after a thousand years of exile," Luna said rather bitterly.

The Beast crossed his arms and regarded the marble ceilings, marble walls, stained glass windows, and marble floors. It could do with some darker décor...

"Well, perhaps you would appreciate some assistance in that regard. At the very least, someone to look over and criticize your current designs may be of use," he offered humbly.

Luna beamed. She was starting to like this 'Beast' already. The alicorn motioned with a wing, indicating that he should follow.

After reaching her private chambers, Luna offered a capped tube to The Beast.

Opening the end carefully, he shook the blueprints out into a waiting hand, and transferred the documents to his branches. This allowed him to hold each of them at the same time, so as to ease his scrutiny of the designs.

The Beast studied the designs of the castle carefully. The impossible geometries depicted on the document would have sent mortals scrambling for ibuprofen, but it was standard fare for a Fear of The Beast’s caliber.

After a moment of intent scrutiny, he brought up something that was troubling him about the plans. "Why does your sister have a section of the dungeons relabeled 'The Big Damn Royal Coffee Machine'?"

Luna shrugged. "It's really new, and I'm not much of a coffee drinker - I haven't been down to that section to see what she's done with it."

The Beast let out a slight sigh. "I have had a rather large amount in the past day or so, so any more would be rather unwise. A Fear with too much coffee in his system is rather unpredictable...although, perhaps it was just a bad idea to let The Omen drink fifty-eight cups of Irish coffee at the New Year's party."

Staring into the distance, he muttered, "Those poor cryptology nuts never stood a chance."

---

Setton was collapsed on a large cloud upstairs when they went into the room. One might wonder how this could be possible, or even practical, as a sleeping place. But this is Equestria, so fuck you. That is the principle upon which this great nation was founded.

Silias noted a faint melody in the air, but couldn't quite understand why he heard it. "What's with the cloud?"

Lee realized that their Twilight was in the room when he heard the empty air muttering about "stubborn guys." It began to click. "If I had to guess, it's because she's here," he said quietly, motioning Silias to listen.

From the sound of those whispers, she had reached 'Master Rant Mode,' an elusive stage when only the afflicted's spoken train of thought is processed. In other words, she was way too worked up over Setton to note their conversation.

It took Silias a moment to connect the dots. "And our fliers...?"

Lee nodded. He had come to the same conclusion. "Probably set that up for him, so he could avoid Twi without sacrificing sleep. A little conspicuous, but the fact that he's up there answers the other question; where the pegasi went off to."

Silias looked up once more. "Why are they up there with him?"

Lee nodded. "Setton saved Scootaloo from dying a horrible death, and Rainbow Dash has been ever so grateful for that. Her presence is probably why Twilight hasn't teleported him away – most anything would stand a secret's chance against The Black Dog if you intend on getting between the Element of Loyalty and her own. Plus, I bet that cloud's really damn comfy."

Silias smiled in respect. "Quite ballsy, but an elegant solution nevertheless. I could get used to traveling with him," he chuckled softly.

Lee looked around, wondering where the hell their sleeping arrangements were.

The room itself, despite being shaded by the dark of night, was impossibly pink. Balloons, streamers, party supplies, and the like were extremely well stocked in various locations around the room. It was a wonder that so much space was actually open to walk, let alone comfortably contain the furniture inside. A number of games and such were placed in a seemingly chaotic yet methodically organized manner, one of these games being an extensive tournament of tic-tac-toe recorded on a ream of paper.

Lee, as he was incredibly fatigued, was halfway to believing he was to sleep on the ceiling. He was formulating a plan to do so involving party hats, a ream of banner paper, and a rubber chicken when Pinkie phased through the ceiling.

The mare looked around as if searching for something, until she noticed the men. "Oh, hi there! Turning in for the night?" she asked cheerily whilst she waved down to them.

Lee waved back, unsure of what else to do. "Hey there," he offered back. "Got any places to sleep that don't break the laws of physics?"

Pinkie was still beaming as she answered Lee's question. "Of course, silly! There's a spot right over there," she said as she pointed over to a raised area of the room.

Silias regarded Setton's bunk with a thoughtful gaze. Pinkie Pie seems to ignore fundamental constructs like physics "for the lolz," including her Shadowcat impression. That being said, Setton was sleeping on a freaking cloud, and that was without Pinkie's input. It was obvious that the laws of physics had rage-quit ages ago.

Lee went up the platform and saw a comfortable looking bed, complete with a fluffy pink comforter cascading over its edges and poofy looking pillows resting against the headboard. Pinkie dropped down onto the bed, bouncing quite nicely from it. Lee could swear that she made a 'boing' sound when she landed on the floorboards. "Right over here, of course!"

Lee looked at her for a moment, wondering what she was implying. All he saw was her bed, unless there was an invisible hammock lying around. Given how the day was going however, little could surprise him.

Pinkie reached under her bed and pulled out two brightly colored sleeping bags. As the comforter's size allowed one to see clearly under the bed, Lee wondered why he hadn't noticed them on his way in. He then realized who he was dealing with, and quickly attributed this to oversight rather than make the mistake of trying to question it.

---

After a few moments of getting situated, Lee and Silias lay in relative silence. The phrase 'relative silence' here refers to a lack of sound, apart from Pinkie's adorable yet moderately noisy snoring and Twilight's angry invisible mutterings.

They found it very hard to sleep with all that racket.

"..."

"..."

Pinkie lay peacefully under her covers. "Zzzzz...mimimimimeep...zzzzzz...mimimimimeep..."

"..."

"..."

An invisible and (in multiple senses of the word) frustrated mare worked to make a fort out of the party supplies, looking to forge her own sleeping arrangements. "...why won't he just let me get up there? It's like he's afraid of what naturally happens when two mammals of opposite genders..."

"..."

"..."

Pinkie murmured in her sleep, "...woo-hoo...we're going to Candy Mountain, Charley..."

"..."

"..."

"...which, honestly, makes me tempted to just go after one of the stallions outside."

There was a brief pause, and the men began to realize how complicated that would be to explain to the locals. The Native Twilight would be pissed, that's for sure.

'...or maybe she would want to get in on the action?'

Don't you give the readers any ideas, or I swear on me mum I will cut your big reveal scene.

FINE. We'll let the audience fuel their own fantasies.

That's not what I meant, and you know it.

Oblivious to the sound of a sledgehammer being taken to the fourth wall, Twilight's voice became thoughtful. "Then again...Lee might get mad at me for messing with other versions of Equestria..."

"..."

"..."

"...Lee?"

"Yes, Silias?"

"This world's Twilight said that we can never go home again, near the end of that presentation."

Lee sighed. "You and I both know that's bullshit. She might not, but that's because she doesn't know who or what we really are."

Silias shook his head. "I severely doubt she would, but that poses a bit of a problem. The Door we came through was suspended rather high over the Everfree Forest. What happens when we go to leave?"

Lee lay silently for a moment. "Ponies aren't the most subtle of creatures. If they saw the Door, they didn't ask about it. It's assumed that our Way to their world dissipated, so they won't investigate the scene. Plus, the Everfree isn't exactly tourist central - not many people or ponies would be willing to go there anyway."

Silias shifted a bit. "I see. We're staying for a little while, so no one suspects a thing?"

Lee looked over at his friend. "About our ability to traverse freely between worlds? Yeah, I have a feeling that this place shouldn't have that knowledge. But thanks to that, we do have the chance to rest. One I will gladly take advantage of."

Silias closed his weary eyes. "Amen to that."

Lee was about to do the same when a thought struck him. "Hey, Silias?"

"Hm?"

"How do you think The Beast's holding out?"

Silias frowned, and was silent for a moment. "I have no idea."

Lee rolled over. "Perhaps that's a good thing."

The party supply fort fell in on itself, and several muted strings of curses pockmarked the air.

Silias sighed. "Gonna be a long night."

And five minutes after stating this, Silias fell asleep, leaving Lee in relative silence by himself.

Correction - almost by himself.

Lee looked up when he felt something warm next to him. A voice whispered from the darkness next to his ear. "Hey, Lee. Mind if I join you?"

Lee stared at the empty air for several seconds before replying. "Do you want to make it home, or do you want to end up explaining my death by snu-snu?"

It took a moment for the unicorn to process this reference. "The most I'd do is cuddle..." she said quietly.

Lee's expression was unreadable. Twilight's voice seemed hurt, and a memory stirred.

---

He was sitting on a comfy green sofa, in the midst of a cluttered flat in London. Geological samples adorned the wall behind him on large shelves, crystals and geodes seated without a speck of dust upon them. The window to Lee's right stood open, allowing the rays of the sun to shine onto the jumbled collection of papers, lying serenely atop the desk beneath.

A fellow in a top hat sat not far from him as he calmly enjoyed his afternoon tea, his orange turtleneck matching well with his black jacket and pants. He placed the teacup lightly onto a saucer and addressed Lee with a warm smile.

"Lee, you should remember that it is the duty of any true gentleman to help a lady," he said in his soothing British accent. "Even if it may be dangerous, we as gentlemen should strive to assist those in need of it."

---

Lee sighed, silently cursing Professor Layton for being such a good influence on him. "...any funny business, and I will not hesitate to freeze you," he said as he held his etched glove in plain view.

While Twilight happily settled inside the sleeping bag, Lee prayed that his dreams stayed pure in this precarious position. A gentleman he may be, but he feared that his body might accidentally send a message that his mind did not condone. And if that happened, there would be no chance of escaping the mare, glove or no glove.

---

The dreamscape was strangely familiar. It looked as though he was in the middle of a park near a giraffe statue. Lee idly noted the stone statue lying sideways on the ground, its form distinctly human in appearance.

Lee looked around for a moment before a snap resounded through the dream air, and a sharply dressed man appeared at Lee's side. Well, in the loosest sense of the term "sharply dressed."

His tattered brown coat was open in the front, revealing a dark blue vest with a light blue trim underneath, a black necktie circling the jacket around his waist. His pant legs and shirt were a rather eclectic checkerboard of green, brown, tan, and yellow. A gray trilby with one blue and one white feather sat atop his tarnished silver hair, and he sported a goatee with rubber band in it.

Before Lee could respond, the man snapped his fingers, and Lee now wore a yellow beret and a golden scarf, which had a noticeable red trim. His overcoat had also been replaced with a familiar black leather jacket.

The man smiled at Lee's new wardrobe, satisfied with his handiwork. He was about to say something when he noticed something over Lee's shoulder. His eyes shot wide, and Lee noticed the surprise in his red irises before he turned as well.

With little warning, the sky burst open, letting through unimaginably bright pillars of light. This wasn't a part of Lee's mind, he could tell that much. For one, every part of the ground they touched instantly got toasted into a patch of black ash.

The man outright scowled. "For the love of Faust! Can't a guy talk to his host in a dream these days?" he asked in irritation. He snapped his fingers, and everything dissolved into visual static.

Lee stood alone in the haze, unable to make sense of anything in the dreamscape. Then a Door appeared, and Lee stumbled through.

---

"...you see, while this 'great glass elevator' is impressively engineered on your part, Princess Luna, it eliminates the purpose of the eldritch dimensioning. If you can go anywhere in the castle just by pressing a button, then why would anyone elect to do otherwise?"

"You make a good point, Beast. However, many of our subjects have died during their attempts to conduct their business and duties in Canterlot, thanks to the eldritch architecture. If nothing else, I merely wish to see less corpses when I go to take my Royal Shower."

"Perhaps those guards of yours should act as escorts to visitors of that nature. Or perhaps you could give directions to the throne room and exit on their way in. Either course of action would prove less costly, I assure you."

"And what of the addition to the dungeons?"

"Too cruel. After all, few people deserve to listen to a Justin Bieber concert, especially as captives."

Luna nodded. "I thought as much. Besides, the last time we tested that, the prisoners tore each other's ears out to stop the pain. Do you happen to have any better ideas? The humans brought many unique torture implements with them apart from Justin Bieber. There's waterboarding, whips, Jell-O, electrodes, Ebola…"

The Beast cocked his head in bemusement. "What is it with your kind and torturing others? This is the second time in as many hours someone has asked for my opinion on the subject." He then processed what he just heard. "Hold on, could you elaborate on that third implement from the end?"

Luna ignored the question in favor of her own. "Who else have you discussed torture methodology with in Equestria?"

The Beast told her.

"And what, pray tell, is wrong with that?" Luna asked with a brow raised.

The Beast crossed his arms. "I would assume your embodiment of Kindness would be less cruel and spiteful. It does appear to be a vital part to her role, as your Elements of Harmony appear to be calibrated to -" The Beast stiffened abruptly, feeling a sudden wave of power crash into him.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

Whatever was standing outside the door, knocking in that exceptionally loud manner, radiated power like a miniature sun.

Wait a minute...

Yawning as she entered, the Diarch of the Sun casually threw a Royal Guard over her shoulder with a hoof. From the dents in his armor, it seemed as though he had been used as a door knocker. There had been no other option.

Celestia looked at Luna strangely, her voice oddly heavy to be reserving for one's siblings. "Sister, do you know where my Royal Coffee Mug is? I checked the cupboard, but it isn't there."

The Beast stood there in silence, intently focused on the alicorn mare and her movements.

Luna regarded her sister with a taut smile. "Don't you remember? You threw it at Prince Blueblood this Thursday morning, when he asked for the heterosexual tax to be cut."

Celestia smacked a hoof against her head. "It should be behind the tapestries, then. Thank you, sister."

Celestia gave Luna a long, erotic French kiss.

If The Beast had a face, he would have raised an eyebrow. Instead, he manipulated a branch to perform the motion.

Celestia's right eye lazily opened and regarded him - or more accurately, his branch - hungrily. She broke off the kiss and looked at her sister. "I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee. When I get back, I want to know all about our visitor."

Then she walked out, swishing her tail with a sultry air.

"That is a completely normal way for siblings to express their affection," Luna said, although it seemed more like she was trying to convince herself of this than anyone else.

The Beast looked at Luna for a moment. "...are you truly sisters?"

Luna went absolutely still. "What?"

The Beast elaborated. "I meant in the biological sense. No offense, but your power pales in comparison to hers, and there was that...display...just now," he deadpanned with a hand wave. "If you truly were siblings, with your duties including the movement of two equal yet opposite celestial bodies, surely your levels of power would be similar?"

Luna gave a subtle, yet unmistakable, twitch. "I...would be as strong as Celestia, but I was on the moon. For a thousand years," she said smoothly. "I was unable to keep my magic at peak levels during my imprisonment, and Celestia had taken up my responsibilities for that time."

The Beast folded his arms. "I suppose if Celestia was cycling the moon and sun by herself for a millennia, perhaps that does make sense. That would be an extremely magical form of exercise, but easily understandable within the parameters of this world."

Luna let out a breath she didn't know that she had been holding.

---

Lee flopped onto the ground of the dreamscape, gasping for air.

The 'man' was back, slapping his hands together as small pink clouds poofed around them. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Lee. Now it's just the two of us again!"

Lee stared at him as he panted. "What just happened?"

"That was a mind scanning spell. Terribly difficult magic, mind scanning," the man said, manifesting a pink cup. "In Equestria, mind scanning takes every ounce of magic you've got. If you tried to read just one memory from someone, you would end up in a hospital bed, and your target would end up unable to spell 'other' for a week." The man grew dark. "That spell? It would have read your entire life, and left you a vegetable afterwards."

Lee winced. "Let me guess: the solar beams of mental death were her work?"

A pink cloud appeared above the cup and began spouting a brown liquid in a gentle downpour. "I would assume so, under any other circumstances. You don't exactly blend in."

Lee picked up on that tone and pressed on it. "What about these circumstances?"

The man paused, and the chocolate-colored rain continued to fall. "What I find odd is that for all that skill and raw power, and I didn't sense a conscious mind behind it."

Lee paced the dreamscape for a moment in contemplation, absentmindedly accepting a glass from his mental companion. A moment later Lee was contemplating with a rather fancy chocolate milk mustache upon his upper lip. "That is odd," he said lamely. "Much like that vision I had while everything else dissolved into static. One with a Door, a diner brawl, three girls, and Wilfred Whorfstache."

The man shrugged and drank as if he held a shot glass instead of a tumbler. "Oh, that's probably just a foreign memory or two among many you've stored away deep within your psyche. You know what your friend is capable of, and how you learned some of his master's craft. I'm simply surprised that it didn't resurface earlier."

The man carelessly threw his glass behind him, causing it to erupt into a giant mushroom cloud, which promptly imploded into a psychedelic Christmas tree. "Now," he said, putting on a fake mustache, "let's get serious. It wouldn't do for you to be forgetting your staunchest ally any longer, not when you've already attracted attention. And the way I see it, there's only one way about it that does me justice."

"Hit it!" he shouted with a snap of his fingers, and a microphone appeared in his hand.

Well, Montenegro had them pony thieves, Baron Xante had a thousand spells,
Well Richards, you can rest 'cause up your sleeves you've got a brand of magic never fails!
You've some chaos in your corner now, some mayhem, entropy and no fourth wall!
You've got some punch, pizazz, yahoo and yeah, all you have to do is give a call, and I'll say:

The man suddenly appeared in a butler's outfit, keeping the hat, and held a moleskine in his right hand. A white napkin was draped over his left arm, which was extended parallel to his waist, and he suddenly sported a monocle.

"Mister Lee Richards sir, what will your pleasure be?"
Let me take your order, jot it down, you ain't never had a friend like me!
Life is your restaurant, and I'm your maitré-d,
Come on whisper what it is you want, you ain't never had a friend like me!

Lee suddenly was sitting in a giant golden throne that befitted the likes of Xerxes, surrounded by succulent foods of all nations and worlds.

Yessir! I pride myself on service, you're the boss, the king, the shah,
Say what you wish, it's yours, true dish; how bout a little more baklava?

Lee was almost buried by the sudden tide of desserts which, thankfully, subsided as soon as it came. By the time he spotted the man again, he was back in his original outfit.

"Come on fellas, help me out!" he called suddenly. Out of nowhere, dozens of identical men came dancing in, synchronized with the beat and providing backup vocals. Lee suddenly found himself sliding down pillars of food and drink.

Have some of column A, try all of Column B,
I'm in the mood to help you dude, you ain't never had a friend like me!

The man suddenly held a black cane, which he proceeded to twirl as he juked and jived next to two of his clones.

Now watch me sell it!
Wah nah wah! Oh my!
Wah nah wah! Oh no!
Wah nah wah! Ha!
Can your friends do this?

The man snapped his fingers, and some of the clones began playing trumpets with their elbows.

Can your friends do that?

Another snap of the fingers, and a building was suspended and inverted above the ground.

Can your friends pull this -

The man flipped his hat off of his head and shoved his arm in to the shoulder. It returned with a giraffe with a set of digeridoo legs, a trombone neck, a snare drum torso, and a ham sandwich for a head.

Out their little hat?
Can your friends go poof?
Well looky here!
Can your friends go abracadabra, let her rip, and make this sucker disappear?
So don't just sit there slack-jawed buggy eyed, I'm here to answer all your midday prayers,
You've got me bonafide, certified; you've got a chaos god on charter here!

As he sang that line, he pulled out an official looking scroll that had several jam stains on it. The only words legible were, "BONAFIDE CHAOS GOD CHARTER AND CERTIFICATION."

So find your words, I'll help you out, so what you need I really want to know.
You've got a list that's three miles long, no doubt, and all you gotta do is snap like so!
And I'll go, Mister Lee Richards sir, make a snap or two or three!
I'm on the job, you big nebop, you ain't never had a friend like me!
Can your friends do this?
Can your friends do that?
Can your friends do tap?!

All of the obfuscated men and their conjurer proceeded to perform one hell of a tap routine that cannot be justified by description. Tap dancing on the walls, the ground, and even the open air in perfect synchronization, the dozens of copies cut one hell of a rug across the dreamscape.

The tempo slowed dramatically, and the brass section put more gusto into their performance.

Gimme a doggie bag, taking it home!

All of the obfuscations suddenly did a routine almost designed to get me sued by the Rockettes.

Mister Lee Richards sir, make a snap or two or three!
I'm on the job, you big nebop, you ain't never had a friend, never had a friend! (You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend!)
You ain't never! (Never!)
Had a! (Had a!)
Friend!
Like!
Meeeeeeeeeee!

Even disregarding the golden hoard that would make Smaug look like a pauper, the amount of sheer visual overkill was awe-inspiring. Magical explosions colored the mental stage in arcane glory as the man held that iconic note.

Never had a friend like me, yeah!

At the end of the spectacular performance that someone may be inspired enough to animate, a giant neon sign bearing a name dropped down, lights cheerfully blinking in sequence.

It simply read - "Discord."

---

Princess Celestia reached a certain antechamber in the castle, in which she kept several family units on retainer. She paused at the door to select an appropriate bag, and loaded the machine's filter using telekinesis.

The alicorn consulted a chart. "Hmm...I'm thinking of a large batch today," she said thoughtfully.

A cell door opened, and a mechanism forced an expansive family, consisting of three generations, into the main room. Celestia took a good look at the statue-still ponies before her, and smiled. "This will do just nicely."

Celestia repositioned the family over a collection trough. She then grabbed the eldest pony in her magic, vivisected him in full sight of his descendants and wife, and simply set him on fire.

The screams were terrible, echoing in the darkness as the scent of burning flesh assailed the nostrils of all present. The remaining ponies began bawling their eyes out, their tears flowing into the trough and filling a clear glass container. The immolated pony was positioned underneath a large mechanism.

Any sane person would be heartbroken and horrified at the sight.

Celestia checked the machine's progress and tutted. "Not even a quarter-filled," she said with a mockingly rueful expression.

She repeated the process until only two shivering foals remained. By that time, her machine had done its job. She opened a window and magically ejected the new orphans onto the streets of Canterlot.

Celestia exited the room with a kick in her step, her steaming mug filled to the brim with freshly brewed coffee.

---

The Beast was frowning over a rather old tome, attempting to make sense of Equestria's history through its records.

"'...ran out of stallions and, in her infinite wisdom, declared them the new normal.'" he read aloud in utter confusion. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked the dark alicorn in front of him.

Luna shrugged. "A lot of things happened while I was on the moon," she said stoically. "Sadly, I wasn't able to see that incident myself. My sister also refused to go into specifics on the subject."

"On the topic of you, what was the purpose of those history books that utterly omitted your exisitence?"

This time the alicorn waved a hoof dismissively. "Oh, that's just part of an elaborate prank Celestia's planning to pull on Twilight. She thinks I don't know, but I do. I do."

The Beast placed the book back on the shelf with a branch, sighing as he did so. He had just managed to do this when Celestia cleared her throat.

Luna started at the sudden sound, but The Beast was unfazed. He felt her approach long before she reached the room.

The Beast inclined his head as acknowledgement to her arrival. "Princess Celestia," he greeted calmly.

Celestia gave him the once-over as she began slowly pacing around him. "Now that I have my coffee...who and what are you?"

"I am known by a large number of names, any of which I would acknowledge, and I am an eldritch being much like yourself," The Beast replied. "Forgive my forwardness, but I was hoping you could help me sort out a number of curious positions."

Celestia grinned. "And how many were you were hoping to test with me?" she asked with a wink.

The Beast's poker face was impressively crafted. His lack of facial features helped a bit. "Several," he admitted. "But I fear that they would be rather disrespectful to attempt."

Celestia raised both brows. "Oh? Well, whatever you had in mind, I'm game if you are. You'll find that I'm rather...versatile...in my tastes."

The Beast was quiet for a moment. "In that case, feel free to call me Candle Jack," he said calmly.

Luna looked at this exchange in interest. She was about to question this last statement, but out of morbid curiosity wanted to see where this was going.

Celestia smiled. "Very well, Candle Jack. Perhaps we can continue this conversation in my chambers -"

She was cut off in both a metaphorical and literal sense, as an impossibly fast figure bashed her in the windpipe with a spiked baseball bat.

There was silence in the room for a good twelve seconds. Luna stared at Celestia in utter shock and revulsion. The Beast stood expectantly, having not moved since offering the false name.

Among the various passages that had caught his eye in the Ark of Testimony, The Beast seeked to replicate The X's gambit in Dominere. He hadn't been certain that it would work here, but Candle Jack attacked all the same, keeping to his MO:

Arriving at blinding speeds from god-knows-where, and violently interrupting whosoever used that name in the middle of a sentence.

Though putting rusty nails in the bat was new...

...as was an unarmored target surviving, and the humanoid abomination exploding into a fountain of gore.

Celestia simply stood there, oddly calm for someone suffering from arterial blood loss. Her horn stopped glowing, her Royal Laser Beam having ended Candle Jack almost as swiftly as he appeared.

"You know," Celestia said through her severed windpipe, "Proving that I'm immortal in such a manner takes massive balls." As she finished speaking, her wound closed seamlessly. "I like what that implies," she purred.

The Beast nodded, ignoring the not-so-subtle message in Celestia's words. "I apologize, but the matter of your rumored eldritch physiology was too interesting to ignore. With that fact established, I suppose I should properly introduce myself. They call me The Beast," he said with a tip of his trilby of shadow.

Celestia tilted her head thoughtfully. "The Beast?" She waited a beat to see what would happen, which was nothing. "Perhaps I could offer you a cup of coffee...?"

The Beast recalled the location of her "Big Damn Royal Coffee Machine" and decided against it.

"I believe I've had my fill of coffee for the time being," he said calmly. "However, I could go for a cup of tea - Earl Grey, if you have it."

Celestia regally led him out of the room and shut the door to Luna's room. The Beast felt an odd pressure on his backside as she said, "Now why do they call you 'The Beast', I wonder?"

Back in her room, Luna stared with her mouth opening and closing in surprised silence. It took her several moments to properly process what just happened, and she looked around the room as she calmed down. The first words that left her lips were:

"Son of a bitch, my room has blood all over it. Again."

Author's Note:

Someone on here had said that Discord's most common use in Fanfiction is much like the writing the Genie. So I thought, "What the hell. I'll take that the full nine yards." Thus a song parody was born.

Before you point this out in the comments, I realize that the version I linked to was considerably longer than the one here. While I would have gladly attempted to be more faithful to that version (which was my personal favorite out of scores of possible covers), the wordcount was getting ridiculous. So that content made the cutting room floor.