At Noon: 2
.
Convinsing the girl to embrace me wasn't too hard a deal. I'm not representing any of her problems, more of a pink dream? Either way, it is all I need to have her come with me.
Once I had her hugging me, which make me feel warm all over, in part due to the warm hug as such, even if it is also in part the success in bringing her with me, I simply push through that fourth wall, and out of the sorry excuse of a world. In my mind, and oppinion, I had saved this girl from what I couldn't have her sufferr.
Could I have ignored this world existing, thus living happily not knowing? I'm not sure. Now I know, and that's the end of it.
I hear her gasp, the instant she realised, just what was going on, and the fact that she could never return to where she came from, the world she is from, is no longer existing to her, as much as she may desire to, or not.
I had brought her home, in just the right time, by the looks of it. This is the first step, now I need to explain the situation to Twilight, in order for her to do, what I had asked of her. Then I could openly enjoy my new pet.
“Just lay down and relax. I'll fix everything for you!” I told the girl.
“Thanks, I think!” she replied.
“I'll just explain your situation to a friend who has been waiting for you to come over, in order to help you with a few minor details. This shouldn't take long!” I then informed her.
“Okey!” she ressponded.
“I'll be back in a moment!” I said, as I closed the door after myself, slipping down the stairs to where twilight is waiting on the time I had given her.
“You have the intended pet, I take it!” Twilight enquired.
“Yes, I managed to find her, just where I had expected her to be!” I responded.
“Exactly what do you like me to do, since you do know the rools?” She told me.
First off, she needs hooves, and her lower legs needs a slight adjustment to go with it. I would like her with leafe green hooves, eyes, panties and top. The hind hooves would be five inches wide suction cups, and like the panties, top and fore hooves, they're to be a metallic hue, and florescent, if possible. She would be an A cup for jiggles, her mound generously enhanced, enlarged, the orshid too, and bot nibbles and orchid would also be heavioy sensiticed. Her top and panties padding the sensitivity out. Her panties covering her entire hips, and the top would cover the jigglies almost all the way up,!” I informed her.
“I think I have the idea. I'll make it a single permanent change, with the option for a few adjustments along the way, for a day from now!” Twilight pointed out.
“That is what I had in mind!” I responded.
“Let's get to it and have it done, so you can enjoy your new pet!” Twilight said.
I lead her up the stairs, knocking on the door, more to be polite, even though it is my home.
“Since it is your pet, I take it you like her a light pink, and a darker pink mane?” Twilight said, just before I opened the door.
“Is that the friend who was to help me?” the girl asked.
“I'm Twilight, a Unicorn. Yes, I'll help you to fit in here!” she responded.
Shortly there after, her horn started to glow, and the light intensified until the magic beamed to hit the girl in her belly. Then her skin took up a weak glow as it started to take up the pink hue, matching the rubber her new panties and top were taking on. The signs of her jigglies and mound soon became apparent as her body change more deeply.
The mane soon developed from what had been her hair, just as specified. Now her feet started to change as the green hooves developed, and the legs was adjusting to the desired form. The tips of her fingers, largely where her nails had been, or to be more exact, from just under the last joint of each finger changed into miniature finger hooves, otherwise identical to her larger hind hooves.
“Could I have a three foot tail, three inches thick?” the girl interjected.
“Certainly!” I responded.
“That's only too simple. I'd love to help!” Twilight pointed out.
A moment later, the tail started to forn from the end of her spine, in the logical manner. I noticed her eyes was taking on the leaf green, in a hue looking fairly good for her eyes.
“A final change, she needs a muzzle!” I declaired.
“Two inches would be just her!” Twilight approved as she made another adjustment.
“She needs a necklace, too!” Twilight reminded me.
“Black, an inch thick and full width should be right?” I suggested.
“Done!” she declaired, as the collar started taking form around my pets neck.
“That feels strange!” the girl stated.
“If you don't mind, I'll call you 'Hitomi!” I then stated.
“My work here is done, unless you need anything else. Just call for me, if there is anything!” Twilight said.
“Hitomi sounds cool, like the girl in the Show!” the girl, now known as 'Hitomi' suggested.
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Please get an editor.
Editor... NOW!!!
[youtube=CxJdCCjFxMU]
3888743 I'll be at it.
Not even past the Short Description and my head hurts.
Please...just stop. You constantly write these stories, and they are all terrible. Take an English class and a basic writing class so that people will be able to read your stories without getting eye cancer.
3888945 thanks for pointing it out, evn if it feels a bit over drammatic.
either way, I hope this would make the description tollerable, at least.
as well as stopping people who look, just to be mean.
3888987 I'm curious, since you say they're all so bad, why are you constantly coming back, and this early?
maybe give yourself a chance, look for the completed stories, they would be the once with the best chance to work for you, unless it is the conscepts behind the stories you were following in the first place, which I guess I'll have to admit, would be admirable.
3888859 guess I'm impressed, at least it looks as if eveyone did read the story, by the repplies.
3889136 Soooo much better.
3889260 Thanks, I much prefer my readers to enjoy the story, for the story, but it takes more effort to bring it into what it could be, once completed, not to say finished.
3889136
I've never read a single one of your stories, and I don't have to. Even if your synopses weren't crap, I can point to something like this...
Awful grammar.
Sentences begin with a capital letter. Also, "give yourself" a chance makes zero sense in context. You mean "give them a chance", with "them" referring to your stories.
The "ones", not the "once".
It is "concepts", not "conscepts".
Generally poor grammar.
If you want people to read your crap, then at least learn the basics of the craft. You post story after story and you get downvoted to oblivion, not because you're writing whatever messed up fetish (believe me, you'd have views aplenty in that case!), but because you are genuinely a bad author who clearly doesn't give enough of a damned to learn the first parts of writing.
You keep posting this junk to my group, always to the Volition folder and very rarely anywhere else, so it's not like people know what content you're doing until they click on it.
Go learn to write before you start demanding people give your stuff a chance. You haven't met the basic requirement needed for people to give you a chance.
3889716 thanks for pointing out the errors, then.
by the looks, the point is valid, since you're obviously not caring about the stories, by what ever name you're calling them.
isn't that pulling it out of context? which is very bad in a matter of an argument.
If you haven't red the story, where are these 'Quotes' coming from?
'downvoted to oblivion', please specify your definition of these expression, or it is entirely worthles. from what I can see, you're just a selfimportant prick, hiding behind what is to pass for valid arguments.
if you have nothing better to say, it is better for everyone, if you leave.
3889798
They came from one of your comments.
It means you consistently have more downvotes than upvotes on your stories.
3889807 if you actually bothered to look, you'd know that's wrong too. Incidentally, I've listeed several on my page, it shouldn't be that big a challenge? they're even listed on the top of the page, for your convenience, right along with the longest, and most read stories.
3889934
You're right, it wasn't a big challenge - I just did a count.
19/24 of your stories have more downvotes than upvotes. My comment is precisely accurate.
I'm not a prick for insisting that you learn the basics of writing before attempting it, anymore than I would be if you tried painting without first learning colors, composition, or proper brush technique.
3889954 that isn't how I red what you said, so, please, make it more clear when you comment the next time.
if in doubt, it is still invallid the w3ay you put it.
You do realise there is another way of reading the statement?
If not, think again.
What I red, was that all stories were down voted, not just the majority.
If you're such a good writer, this story failed misserably.
On the other hand, this isn't a 'Blunt Review', so I guss I'm expecting too much out of you.
3889966
I said "consistently." If you misinterpreted, that is your own fault, because it is the most valid conclusion.
You can barely make coherent sentences in responding to your critics, so tell me why should I take you seriously in your writing?
3889969 why?
I'd rather ask, why you bother replying.
not that I care.
3890020
Because you called another guy out for disliking your stuff and said he had to give it a "chance."
Well, I'm saying that you need to prove yourself capable before you're worthy of being given a chance.
3889136
I come back because I'm subscribed to a few of the groups your stories are in. Every time I see one, I think "maybe he's learned and gotten a little better," but no. Every time I come to your page, it's a complete trainwreck.
3890910 I guess that does explain a few things.
then you may have noticed I'm in several different groups.
stories stands out as new, for a fairly short time in active groups.
3889966 Loved the arguement in the comments. So funny and interesting.
But Ether does have a valid point; can't call it a valid story without basic grammar, steps, and stories. Plus, noticeable mistakes EVERYWHERE!!
Alright, next advice is: Follow the program when it comes to Pinkie Pie, and make sure for story is realistic. And what I mean by that, is at least try to make your characters sound like the show, please?
Next story!!
4199923 if it is Pinkie Pie, she is known for breaking rules and busting the wall.
to my knowledge, there are no humans in Equestria.
this story is about Pinkie acquiring a human pet, wasn't it?
4200005 It is, but being nice to you, I'm gonna make it nice and short for you: Do not, and I repeat, Do Not announce the fourth wall breaking. This disappoints us all.
Second, Pinkie is nice and bubbly, and I don't see that anywhere, care to explain.
S'cuse me, but Youtube has caught my attention.
4200037 This story is about the regular Pinkie Pie, so if her personality isn't quite right, I have to fix that.
Even if it is an AU, Pinkie Pie is hyper and Up-beat.
I have tried to make sense out of exactly what pony Pinkie Pie is, but she still defy all logic I could apply, just as it did to Twilight Sparkle.
I'll just have to read this story and see what I can do out of it.
You really do need an editor. Also, chapters are way too short (aim for around 1,000 words), which leads to pacing issues. And fix Pinkie's characterization NOW
5366368 I would love to have an Editor for the story, anyone you know qualified who would pick up the Mantle, or would you chance the burden? Sorry, I have all but given up on getting one for any of my stories as it stands.
As to the chapters, I guess they are on the short end on this story as it stands. These are the initial chapters, but that is a very short excuse, isn't it? I know I can make chapters longer and for the remainder of the stories, I would make them at least 1,000 to 2,000 words. I think I could make chapters up to 3,000 words, from time to time.
Maybe you could help me out by hinting to where and when these issues with the Pacing that bothered you are?
Could you point at where and when these issues pops up? With just a few hints, I could find the details on her I need to make this story flow just right?
6045393 Thanks for pointing it out and reminding me of the story.
I had to take a while to go over it and see what I could fix right away, just in order to try to get it up to my current writing standard.
A year ago, I wrote too short chapters to get any characterisation in, by the looks of it. I hope I can change this for the coming chapters, if and when I do post the next one.
I certainly do have to get the story going, establishing who the girl was, before there is much to say about how she reacts, I think.
On the other hand, I think this is Season Three; going by the fact that Twilight Sparkle still is a Unicorn. Remembering a few things she did at this time in the show. Bow Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie grew and developed heavily in Season Five, even from the end of Season four. At least, it is what I think, from whatI have seen of the latest Season.
What would you have her do? The life she had before wasn't exactly a pretty one, if that wasn't clearly enough established?
That was a large change to her, but not quite that much. Although I guess I could take advice on how to adjust it to come out better than it is now.
If I managed at least the most glaring spelling and grammar issues, maybe it can be time to move up towards a Prereader before going to an Editor any time soon?
If you do read this far, what do you think of the changes I made since you pointed it out?