Applejack Learns to Defend Herself Against Fresh Fruit
Why Applejack wanted to take a self-defense course, she did not know. She could take care of herself just fine, and she rarely ever had to. Even when she did have to fight, she could do more than hold her own. Still, it just felt like a necessary thing. Maybe it was just something to make her feel a little more assured.
Besides, she would be one of the first ponies to learn a human martial art. They had just come around a short while ago, and the group teaching this class was from a country called ‘Britain’; though she had heard several names for the place. Plus, this was being taught by their Army. They had accepted her request for some reason, they did not say, but she was still confident.
She entered the small building where the class was taking place, which seemed rather simple and bland. Trotting down a small flight of stairs, she was greeted by three other ponies, the other ones accepted to the course. There were two stallions, a large dark blue one and the other dust brown, and another mare, whose coat was a light red. Before she could even say hello, the instructor, a Sergeant in rank, gave a loud yell at her.
“Right, and who are you!?”
Applejack actually jumped a bit in fright from his loud, domineering voice.
“A-Applejack,” she stuttered out.
“She’s the last one on the course, Sergeant,” a well-dressed Colonel in the back said, checking a clip board. “Get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major.”
“Right! Good evening, class!” he yelled.
The group mumbled their respective hellos, mostly due to their instructors frightening demeanor.
“What, there something wrong?” he asked.
“No, it’s just… you’re a little… scary,” the light red mare quipped.
“Scary!? Well, I have to be if I’m going to teach you to defend yourselves properly!” he claimed. “Now, do you know why you were all selected to take part in this course?”
They shook their heads in a ‘no’ response.
“You were all picked because we believe your line of work will give us the best examples for training during this study,” he explained. “We will video tape this lesson, and its results will be kept and distributed to assist in future teachings of this art.”
This confused Applejack a good bit. Why would her position as an apple farmer be so important to helping with a self-defense course? Maybe they learned she was one of the Elements? But if that was the case, then why were these others here?
“Ha, right; self-defense!” the instructor said, hopping up to the other side of the room. “Tonight, I will be teaching you all how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.”
“Fresh fruit? How is that deadly?” Applejack asked.
The Sergeant looked at her with a serious face.
“What? You don’t think fruit can hurt someone!?” he yelled the rhetorical question. “What happens when someone pokes your eye out with a banana!? Or shoves a bunch of berries in your ear and makes you go deaf!? Or throws an apple at your head and gives you a concussion!?”
“What about a real weapon, like spears?” the other mare asked. “I’m a little more scared of them.”
“A pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh?” the instructor mocked, getting in the group’s face. “Well I'll tell you something my lad; when you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!”
“Well, I think you might be over-”
“Right!” he interrupted. “Speaking of bananas, that is where we will begin tonight’s lesson.”
He picked up a banana from the table behind him and tossed it to the blue stallion, who caught it in surprise.
“How to defend yourself from a man armed with a banana,” the Sergeant began. “Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.”
“What if he’s got a bunch of bananas?” the stallion asked.
“Shut up!”
“What if he’s got a pointed stick?” the mare asked.
“Shut up!” he yelled. “Right, you! Come at me with that banana!”
The stallion held it awkwardly in his hooves and began to nudge forward.
“No! No! No! You imbecile!” he yelled at the stallion. “Put something into it for God’s sake!”
"Like uh… this?” the stallion asked, holding it more like a knife.
“That’s more like it!” he said. “Now start screaming! Act like you’ve actually got a fight on your hands. Come on! Come on! Come on then; attack me with it!”
The stallion screamed at the top of his lungs and ran at the Sergeant. As he was closing the distance, the Sergeant grabbed a gun from the table and fired a real-life bullet directly into the fake attacker. He immediately fell to the floor, much to the shock of the rest of the group.
“Now, I eat the banana!” the instructor said, doing so as he looked at the stunned faces of the remaining ponies.
“What happened!?” Applejack yelled.
“I have now eaten the banana!” the instructor announced triumphantly over the body of his foe. “He is now helpless!”
“He’s dead, you killed him!”
“Why would you kill him!?” the remaining brown stallion asked.
“Of course I had to kill him. He was coming at me with a banana!” the instructor claimed.
“But you told him to do that.”
“He was selected for this because he was a farmer of this deadly weapon,” he said, swallowing the last bites of the banana. “He knew full well the power he had.”
“But did you have to kill him?” Applejack asked.
“How else are you supposed to stop a man attacking you with a banana?”
“Couldn’t you just knock it out of his hand?”
“Knock the banana out of your attacker’s hand?” the instructor asked. “Ha! And I suppose you also think you can jump out of the way of a flying orange! Why don’t you go test your little technique out on the streets!? I’ll make sure to bring plenty of fresh fruit to your funeral!”
“I just think there might be a less extreme way.”
“Look, I’m just doing my job,” the instructor claimed. “I have to teach you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!”
“And pointed sticks!” the red mare added.
“Shut up!” the Sergeant ordered.
“What if I’m attacked by a man with a banana and I don’t have a gun?” the remaining stallion asked.
“Then run for it,” he replied simply.
“Couldn’t you just call for help?”
“Yea, try doing that with a pineapple lodged down your windpipe!”
“What? A pineapple?”
“Pineapple!?” the instructor yelled, going into a combat stance. “Where is he!?”
“No, I just said pineapple.”
“Oh, phew. For a minute I thought that one had my number on it.”
“On the pineapple?”
“What!? Where!?”
“I just said pineapple again.”
“Oh, I see,” the Sergeant said, running a hand over his forehead in relief. “Right, that’s bananas then. Ready to move on the next thing?”
The group was silent.
“Right! Next up is the raspberry,” he said, holding one up. “Harmless looking thing, isn’t it?”
“I guess,” the remaining stallion answered, who then caught the raspberry tossed to him by the instructor.
“Then come at me with it!” the Sergeant yelled. “Come on! Do your worst with it! Be as vicious as you like with it!”
“No!”
“No? What do you mean no!?”
“You’re just going to shoot me.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Well, you shot him not a minute ago.”
“That was in self-defense,” the Sergeant reminded him. “I was teaching you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit.”
“And pointed sticks,” the mare added.
“Shut up!” he ordered. “Now come one, brandish that raspberry! Gimme hell!”
“Not unless you put the gun away,” the stallion argued.
“I don’t have a gun.”
“Yes you do!”
“Do not!”
“You just used it!” the stallion claimed in disbelief. “It’s on the table behind you!”
“Oh, that gun.”
“Get rid of it!”
“Oh fine,” he sighed, tossing the weapon away. “Now, how to defend yourself from a redcurrant… without a gun.”
“You were going to shoot me! I knew it!”
“I wasn’t.”
“Yes you were!”
“Oh quiet you! I can’t bloody well do it anymore, can I?”
“I… suppose not.”
“Right! So come at me! Come on! Come on!” the Sergeant edged him. “Come on you weed! You weed! Do your worst!”
The stallion charged forward as his predecessor had done, only to be crushed by a massive sixteen-pound weight that fell from the ceiling and flattened him.
“If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull a lever and a sixteen ton weight will fall on him,” the instructor said wisely.
“How in the world did you get that thing up there!?” Applejack yelled in surprise.
“That part is going to be taught in next week’s course.”
“What if we don’t have one?”
“Well, that’s planning isn’t it? Forethought.”
“Where would we even get a wait?”
“Look Mrs… erm.. what was your name again?”
“Applejack.”
“Apple!? Where is it!? I’ll give that blighter a beating he won’t be forgetting!”
“No, my name is Applejack.”
“Oh, ok then,” he said. “Look, a sixteen ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer; there are millions of others.”
“Like what?” the mare asked.
“Shooting him.”
“Suppose we don’t have a gun or a weight.”
“All right then, smarty pants, you come at me with a raspberry and I’ll show you another one.”
“No guns?” she asked.
“No.”
“No sixteen ton weights?”
“No.”
“And what about pointed sticks?”
“Shut up!”
“Anything else? Like maybe a bear trap on the floor or-”
“I swear I won’t even touch you this time,” the instructor said, giving his word.
“All right,” the mare said, nudging forward.
“Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me; do it properly. I'll turn my back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants!” he explained. “Right. Ok? Go!”
The mare began to creep up behind the Sergeant.
“Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to… release the tigers!”
He did so, releasing several of the large cats from a door near him. They quickly singled out the poor mare, who realized it was best to run. She did her best, with the two large tigers following her closely, growling angrily.
“The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe, but also the redcurrants,” the Sergeant explained. “Tigers however do not relish the peach; the peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile.”
Applejack was the only one left now, shaking in fear in her spot.
“Now then, the final course of the day will be defense against apples!”
“No!” she shouted from the fear.
“What do you mean no?”
“I-I’m not going to do anything!”
“Why not?”
“You’re just going to hurt me! I ain’t doing anything!”
“Oh stop being such a pansy!” he said, tossing her an apple.
Her tail caught it out of instinct.
“Now are you going to attack me or will I have to take the offense role?”
“I guess that depends on what you’re planning to do.”
“I’ll show you once we begin.”
“No tigers or anything that’ll eat me?”
“No, no animals, booby traps, or guns,” he said. “Now come on! Come on you divvy! You useless rubbish! You’re supposed to use these things to make a living? You useless twat!”
The Sergeant did have a way getting his opponent worked up, and before Applejack could think she was charging towards him with the apple in her tail; although, she really was not sure of what to do with it. As she got close, she remembered the others and quickly stopped short. As she did so, she witnessed the Sergeant Major putting on a large tank with a hose that ran up to a gun-like nozzle. He pointed it in her direction and she quickly realized it was a flamethrower. He fired several streams of fire in her direction, and Applejack was almost certain she would not make it out. Luckily, she did; running up the stairs and out of the now burning building.
“And that, class,” the instructor yelled, “is how to defend yourself against fresh fruit!”
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Well......
That happened....
Erm... Well... Ok? I guess?
3906820 3906828
Something the matter?
3906859
No, I just wasn't expecting this... sort of... Spanish Inquisition...
3906866
I focused on one of the more requested skits.
3906872
*Long, drawn out, over-dramatized sigh*
Fine, don't play along with my straightline....
But the chapter was fine. I just didn't remember the Tigers... or the flamethrower...
And I still don't know how to defend myself against a pointed stick!
3906882
The tigers were always there; I added the flamethrower just for AJ
3906896
Huh... guess I need to re-watch some-
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
GODAMNIT! You guys were supposed to be here ten minutes ago!
Oh... uhhh...... Well, you see..... IT DOESN'T MATTER! YOU ARE ACCUSED OF EXPECTING THE SPANISH INQUISITION! How do you plead?
Uhhhh... Little help here?
I'd like to see him defend himself against a banana wielding Celestia. That or a Durian, those things can hurt.
I would recommend a spin on the 'Romans Go Home' scene from 'Life of Brian', but I guess you would have to be really good at Latin in order to make it work.
3906859
It's just. Do we really have to learn defense against fruit? I mean, it's far more likely someone will come at us with a spear or something.
But we didn't learn about pointed sticks.
3907221
Shut up!
I have a pointed stick and I'm not afraid to use it. Also there needs to be a Fluttershy dead parrot scene.
Do the former leaper from life of brian
3907387
i agree. and Luna against the french men.
The problem with this chapter was that all you did was change "British person" to "pony", and the last guy to "Applejack". You could have just posted a link to the Monty Python skit on youtube and told us to use our imaginations that the people were ponies. That's why this wasn't funny.
The Celestia one was funny, because she tried to handle it (at first) in character as we see her in the show. Applejack didn't even have a personality in this.
You literally could have replaced her with anything. For example:
Same text, replace trotting with walking where appropriate, etc.
Same story. Applejack/Blon Fel-Fotch isn't mentioned.
Dialogue remains the same.
The rest of the story.
See what I mean?
3909092
For the most part yes; I hate to say that I wasn't too sure about this one, either. I'll admit I couldn't come up with as many ideas as usual for this particular one, which is odd considering how many others I have planned out that already have good differences. I'll also admit that I wasn't able to think more on it or add more changes and details because of the time schedule I set for myself, which I shouldn't have done to begin with.
So, I guess something just didn't click for this one in time; next time around I think I won't hold myself to time restraints, or at the lest publish a chapter with more concrete changes and ideas. Better luck next time, I guess.
3911438
Indeed. I know you have good ideas, and you aren't trying to just simply copy/paste based on the previous two chapters. I hope you take as much time as you need, don't hold yourself to a strict schedule if it lowers the quality of your work. That's why video game developers announce delays and such, so they can make stuff better.
HANDS! (where is that Lyra smilie when you need it?)
3924346
What the hell? Why did no one show me this before. Crap
Next up should be the knights who say ni.