Seriously, I mean it!
All was well in Ponyville. Not a single mishap had troubled the town in quite some time. However, our dashing hero of brown hair and an hourglass cutie mark was having conundrums of his own.
“Hey!” Doctor Whooves shouted, glaring at the clear blue sky. There were no pegasi above him nor anything that would be warranting his attention. Had the good doctor finally snapped? “Stop that, I’m talking to YOU!” he yelled onc-”OY!”
Ehhnnn, what’s up, Doc?
“I thought I told you to stop narrating my life,” stated the stupid ol’ hors- “Stop it!”
Hey, I’m not in charge, I just work here.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked the doct- “Seriously, cut the crap. I already know all the things you’re saying, why are you regurgitating this pointless babble? I’m the only pony who can hear you anyway.”
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
The stallion furrowed his brow in anger. “I swear, if I ever find you, I’m mounting your corpse in my trophy case.”
I mounted your mother last night.
“BUCK YOU!” the good doctor cried out. By this point, he was seething and absolutely enraged.
I love you, too! Uh oh, ya better look normal because here comes company!
“bloodysonuva” Doctor Whooves muttered before a familiar lavender unicorn approached him.
“Good morning! How are you today, Doctor?” Twilight Sparkle inquired. The doctor was still fuming, but was instantly tamed by the sultry form of the femme fatale.
“Oh, I could be better, somepony’s spreading lies about me,” the stallion responded with frustration. He glanced irritatingly at the sky once more before turning his attention to her.
“That’s terrible!” Twilight replied in genuine concern. "Is there anything I can do to help?”
He shook his head in regards to his current circumstance, knowing that he couldn’t tell anypony about it without appearing to be insane. ‘I’ve had about enough of this narrating clown,’ the doctor thought and suddenly raised his eyebrows in realization. ‘YOU CAN READ MY THOUGHTS, TOO?!’
Surprise! Isn’t this fantastic?! It makes bugging you even easier for me! They see me trolling, they hati-
'Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup!’ Doctor Whooves repeated in his mind. Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was watching this spectacle of internal struggle, not really sure what to do at all.
Twilight placed a reassuring hoof on the doctor's shoulder. "Hey," she whispered, trying to gain his attention. "There's something else bothering you, isn't there?"
Doctor Whooves returned her troubled expression as their eyes locked with each other's. Suddenly, a minuscule spark reflected from the stallion's iris to the mare's. Twilight removed her hoof from the doctor, a look of confusion now masking her face. 'What?!? What did you do?!?'
I didn't do anything, stop freaking out!
Twilight cocked her head, eyeing wildly about the empty field. "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" he asked while trying to feign innocence. 'Stop it! You're making me look crazy!'
Pfft, you didn't need my help to do that.
Twilight jumped and exclaimed, "That! There it is again! That voice!"
'DON'T. SAY. ANYTHING.'
...
So a pony walks into a bar..
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Twilight screamed, just before passing out from shock.
That was a bit melodramatic, I didn't even get to the punchline. Maybe I should have tried the Aristocrats joke.
"You're so crass, you know that?" the doctor asked in annoyance. He examined the now unconscious unicorn, ensuring that she hadn't injured herself.
Nopony's around, she's asleep, I won't tell if you wo-
"Shut up! How can you live with yourself?"
Pretty easily, just inhale and exhale. The doctor rolled his dopey eyes and lowered his head beneath Twilight's frame. With a grunt of exertion, he maneuvered her body over his back and stumbled a few steps before adjusting.
"C'mon, make yourself useful and help me carry Ms. Sparkle."
Tsss, ooo sorry Chief, 'fraid I can' t do that. Even if I could, I would still just laugh and watch you.
Doctor Whooves grumbled, but kept silent while he trotted back to his home. Luckily it wasn't too far and wouldn't exhaust the delicate pansy. He didn't pause nor think of anything aside from his current goal. Oh doc, you're so much fun to annoy! 'Shut the buck up, fool.'
The pair arrived at his humble abode. And when I say humble, I mean a stereotypical dumpy cottage that simply fits in with the herd. Really doc, you're so unoriginal. I think I'll call this place The Brown Pony's Brown House of BrownTM.
The brown pony carried his marefriend into the threshold (rawr doc, you sly dog.). The doc rolled his eyes once more as he set Twilight onto the couch. He retreated into his petite kitchen to retrieve a damp cloth for the unicorn.
“Sweet teats of Starswirl, you are an absolute bore! Don't you have anything better to do? Somepony else to annoy?!" Doctor Hooves asked, even more irked than before.
Doc, I'm hurt! We've been through so much together! Aren’t we the best of friends now?
"Friends?! Are you nuts?!"
"Uggghhh, Doctor Whooves, is that you?"
'Wanna be my friend?! Don't speak. At all. Just let me help Ms. Sparkle and then we'll have more shenanigans.'
"Nnnngghh, what happened? Where are we?"
"You had a bit of a tumble, Ms. Sparkle. Don't worry, you're perfectly fine. As for where we are, this is my home. I would have taken you back to the library, but here was closer and didn't attract any attention."
"Just a tumble? No, there was something else. A voice! Right after I touched you I heard a voice in my head!"
"Not to be rude, but that seems a bit farfetched, my dear. Besides, that's not exactly something you want to go around admitting."
"I know it sounds crazy, but that's what happened! Call it magic static or undiscovered science, either way you shared something strange with me and now you're trying to hide it."
Oh Lordy, that's exactly what my ex-girlfriend said!
"Ah ha!"
‘Why?! Didn't I specifically tell you not to speak?!’
Sorry doc, opportunity was knocking and it was too good to pass up.
"So you hear him too, huh?! What's going on here?!" Twilight accusingly asked the stallion, shaking a hoof at "Do you mind?! I'm trying to get some answers here!"
I spy with my little eye a very grouchy pony..
"That's it, you're on the list! Listen Twilight, you have to believe me that I did NOT mean for this to happen. I still don't have a clue what's really going on, only that you're experiencing my little hell now, too."
I am Beelzebub! All bow down before..
"Shut up! How long have you had this problem?"
I resent that.
"Nopony cares! I don't know, it seems like eternity."
Forever and ever, sugar baby!
"Have you tried getting rid of it?"
You know, you two are acting rather hostile right now. Aren't you supposed to love and tolerate and all that jazz?
"That usually only applies to TANGIBLE beings. C'mon Twilight, what kind of question is that?"
"Well, why didn't you tell anypony? We could have helped you."
The doctor raised an eyebrow. "She can clearly see that! Would you have helped me if I told you that I had a voice in my head? I researched EVERYTHING and even tried a potion from Zecora."
"How did that go?"
"It made it worse."
Oh yeah, I remember that! I sounded like one of the chipmunks! I told the witch doctor I was in love with..
"Does he ever shut up?"
"Is grass blue?"
Only when it's sad, wakka wakka!
"SHUT UP!"
Okay fine, have your stupid exposition.
"Okay, let's go back to the very beginning when this first started. What triggered all of this?"
"I wish I knew, but it just happened. I was having a usual day with nothing going on and suddenly I heard him talking about me."
In my defense, I had no idea that you were going to hear me. This is a first for me as well.
"Yeah, you seem really choked up about it. Why are you still bugging us?"
"He gets some sick pleasure out of it. When he first realized I could hear him, he tried convincing me that he was a deity."
Hey, you believed me!
“You wanted me to pay you a weekly banana tribute, shave myself completely, and dance in the moonlight. Even a diamond dog wouldn’t fall for that drivel.”
“We’re going in circles here, who are you and why are you doing this?”
Yeah, I’m not gonna tell you that. This keeps me all mysterious and shiz. Like I told the doctor before, this is just my job and it’s nothing personal.
“Stop lying, what’s the real reason for all of this?”
You really want to know?
Alright... ALIENS.
“...Twilight, I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.”
“It’s ok, Doc, I think I have a solution to our problem. Why don’t we bring him here with a revealing spell?”
THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
“For once, I’m going to have to agree with him on this. Wouldn’t that make things worse?”
“You could finally give him a taste of his own medicine. And besides, it will only be for a moment that he’ll be here.”
“..Let’s do it.”
No no no, let’s not and say we did. Trust me, you do not want to do that.
“This idea is sounding better and better, please fire away, Twilight.”
No! Stop that right now! I take back everything! Awwwww craaaaaaa..
“OUCH! OW, THAT FREAKING HURT! IT FEELS LIKE THE UNIVERSE PUNCHED ME IN THE AORTA!”
“Mother of Celestia, what is that thing?!”
“My eyes! My eyes! What a horrid looking creature!”
“Seriously, did the nurse slap your mother when you were born?!”
“Hey, you’re not exactly hot stuff yourself, Doc!”
“I’M GONNA BEAT YOU LIKE A RED-MANED STEP-PONY!”
“OWW! THAT WAS MY GOOD KNEE!”
“Enough! Back you go!”
Hibbity jibbity! There are nowhere near enough drugs in the world to take away this pain!
“Alright, so now that we know what you look like, can we at least get your name?”
Fat chance, Sparkle, I’m not doing any favors for either of you!
There was a sudden knock at the door.
“Zip it! Let us handle this,” said Doctor Stupid. He glared at the ceiling (what a nutjob) before reaching for the door.
“Hello Doctor Whooves! Have you seen Twilight.. wait, there she is! Oh.. oohhhh.. ohhhhhhhh! I can come back later if you want.”
“Now hold it right there, Pinkie, this is not what it looks like. I was out walking and decided to take a nap in the meadow. Doctor Whooves just thought I had fainted and brought me back here for some water.”
“Yes! That’s exactly what happened, I couldn’t leave her there in that oppressive heat outside.”
“It’s a cloudy day. But don’t worry! Your secret is safe with me! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
Man, that never gets old.
“Oh hi Steve! I didn’t know you were here too!”
Crap.
“...Steve?!”
“You’re joking, right? You hear him too Pinkie?”
“Well yeah, doesn’t everypony?”
“Alright, ‘Steve’, you’ve got some fessing up to do.”
Gee whiz I would love to, but my shift just barely ended so we’re gonna have to reschedule that.
“Oh no you don’t! Don’t think I won’t bring you back here again, because I totally will!”
Next time, will we find out who this mysterious Steve is? Will any of this make sense at all? And while we’re asking questions, why the heck did the Dharma Initiative put polar bears on a tropical island?
“Beats me, even I don’t know why. That show always just answered questions with more questions.”
“Something tells me I’m going to get a giant head-ache from this.”
“You and me both.”
Tune in next time for..
“SHUT UP!”
“Same pony time! Same pony channel!”
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lolwut
That was great! Tracked.
I enjoyed this. You have humor.
Have a cookie!
YES. YESYESYES. AHA! Lungs... Collapsing... LAUGHTER WITHOUT END!
Definitely gonna keep an eye on this little beauty. This has some serious humor potential. X3
Also, go figure Pinkie knew all about him.
Yay pinkies helping!
That was actually less strange than many similar fics I've seen. That said, I think that's actually a vote in its favor, when you get right down to it.
I can't breath!!
THE TEXT, GOOD SIR. THE TEXT. I CANNOT READ PINKIE IF I CANNOT SEE HER.
Succaeros typed furiously.
OH NOT YOU AGAIN.
~S.C.
You win...five 'staches for winning.
323069
Yeah, that pink text is a *YAY* to put up with. It shall now be cyan (we'll say it's a tone from her cutie mark) in your honor, good sir.
Also, thanks for the comments everyone. I'm happy to see this is getting a better reaction than I anticipated.
This is soooooo funny! my brother liked and he's not even a brony!
I'm soooooo tracking this story!! lol!
This feels a lot like a more comical version of Stranger than Fiction
I'm okay with this
The description reminds me of that Looney Toons bit with Daffy Duck and the paint brush
Will definitely check it out
Click for my reaction
Click for my reaction
Alternate title: When the 4 th Wall Attacks!!!
Hmmm..... A bit too much swearing for my tastes, even for a background character with no defining traits canon wise, but other than that, I don't see any flaws that are noticeable with how the narrative works. I look forward to seeing if you do another chapter.
Also, it's me, Si Fron from the forum. FYI.
325059
True, my apologies on that, good sir.
Thanks for the comments again, our heroes will certainly have more capers ahead of them.
More, more, more! We demands for MOAR!
This color is not too much better, to be honest. At least you can see it. But I digress. A better word for class-less would be crass, and also
"Pfft, you didn't *NEED*my help to do that.
There is a missing word in that sentence. Other than that, Take it away steve!
No, Not YOU, Steve. That Steve. Yes, You. With the hair. AND the eyes, yes.
Ugh. Narrators. What a bunch of amateurs.
~S.C.
326643
Once again, thank you. That 'need' ninja'd it's way out of my view, I appreciate that you caught that.
Inorite? Those rascally narrators goof off all the time!
Now, of course, the good Doctor and Twilight have to figure out if they're in a comedy, or a tragedy.
Is it weird that I'm saying the Doctor's lines with a fake British accent while reading this?
Heh