Chapter One
As I look at my stomach in the mirror, I think of my filly or foal that I will have. I look at Big Mac, my husband, sleeping soundly, and smiling. I think about it. In just two more weeks I will have a baby! We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, so we’re just gonna have to wait until the week after next week. “Big Mac, I’m going to see my friends at The Cafe.” I whisper.
He nods and I walk out my cottage door. We are trying to move to his house, and we have to get a house built for the two of us and my animals. Angel hops next to me, his food bowl in hand. I smile and I give him a carrot. “There ya’ go Angel Bunny.” I say and I walk out the door.
I see Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash sitting on the haystacks. “Hi girls.” I say quietly and I sit down.
The waiter comes to us, and smiles. “Hello lovely ladies, what would you like today?” he asks us kindly.
I go first. “I would like a Daisy Sandwich with extra daisies, hay fries, extra crispy, soup, three oranges, apple fritters, some potato chips, doughnuts, some leftover zap apple deserts, and a banana and strawberry smoothie.” I say finishing up.
Twilight goes next. “I’ll have a daffodil sandwich and a smoothie.” The rest agree and the waiter goes to tell the cooks.
Rarity looks at me as I eat my sandwich. “What?” I ask as I gulp down.
She smiles when I get my hay fries. “Well, I was just thinking.” She said. “Can I design the baby’s first gown!?” she yelled.
I smiled and nodded. “Yes of course, just make sure that it is fit snuggly, and she won’t trip on it.” I looked at all my food in front of me, and I started to eat. The baby kicks my stomach and I smile. My stomach growls and I eat quickly.
Applejack then comes and sits down. “Hey ladies, howdy, Fluttershy.” She said harshly to me.
I frown and I look at her. “What did I do?” I asked kindly, when she suddenly grew above me.
“Yawl wanna know what ya’ did? You are havin’ a filly with mah big brother! That’s what’s wrong!” she yelled, and sat back down.
My lips start to tremble, and I fly off crying. I fly into a dark alley. I hear Twilight cursing at Applejack. Then I see Applejack running towards Sweet Apple Acres. I follow her home, and I see her slam into Big Mac. “How could ya’! I remember ya’ said that you’d always be there when Ma’ and Pa’ died!” she yells, and she ran inside crying.
I fly to Big Mac, and I looked at him. “What happened to your parents?” I asked slowly.
Big Mac’s lip started to tremble. He brought me over to sit with him. “It all started when Rarity and Applejack were playin’ on a bridge.” I listened, and imagined the story.
“Ha-ha, Rarity, I’m gonna beat ya’ across the bridge!” she yelled to her best friend.
Rarity jumped over Applejack, but she was too quick, and she fell right behind her. She fell too heavily, and quickly so the wood cracked under her. Applejack managed to escape, and she ran to get Ma’ and Pa’. They ran as fast as they could to get Rarity.
Pa’s name was Harlan, and Ma’s name was Honey Blossom. Pa’s cutie mark was an orange. Ma’s was an apple with a heart. Anyway, Ma’ held the rope while Pa’ helped Rarity on the bridge. The bridge snapped and Rarity almost fell when Pa’ threw her and Applejack caught her.
Ma’ held the rope as tight as she could, until, it snapped. They both fell to their death.
“I told Applejack the next day that I would take care of her.” He started to cry.
I put my hoof on his. “You don’t need to go on. I’ve heard enough.” I said and I felt a tear stream down my cheek.
I heard Applejack yelling at Granny Smith, but not with anger, with sadness. She walks outside and she looks at me. “I’m so sorry about your parents.”
“That child better be good.” She looked up at me. “And if she’s gonna be my niece, expect me to be a good one. I’m not loosin’ any pony else.” She looks straight into my eyes, they were red from sadness.
I nod and she walks back to her bucking. “I’m sorry Applejack.” I say quietly, but she hears me. She turns back to me, and frowns.
“What did ya’ say to me?” she asks madly. Her eyes are covered by her hat. She looks into my eyes, and she is crying franticly.
I stare at her, straight in the eye. “I said I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t intend on having a filly!” I yelled at her. “I am going to take good care of my child. I am being honest to you.” I say and I look at her.
“You better. That filly is gonna be important to me. Keep her safe . . .” she was cut off by my wings spreading.
“You think that I am a defenseless little cry baby that would get annoyed with a baby and abandon her! I will take very good care of this filly or foal, and there is nothing that any pony could say to make me stop loving it!” I yell and I stare at my husband. I fly into the air, and I sit on a cloud.
“Fluttershy!” yells Big Mac, but I don’t come down.
I think about my parents. T-they, abandoned me. My eyes flash with their image. My mom’s light brown fur touched my filly face and my light yellow dad was next to her. My dad’s eyes were brown, and my moms were my color. My dad’s cutie mark was a bush. My mom’s was a sun-setting. I wake from my daydream because a sharp pain was sent through me. “Big Mac!” I yell as I fly to the ground.
He runs over to me and yells, “What, what?” he asks me.
“The baby’s ready.”
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Aww, this is really sweet. I personally thank that there should be more FlutterMac.
On the other hand, the conflict between Fluttershy and Applejack felt over stressed, and their overarching conflict was given little weight. Frankly, from the explanation you gave. AJ should be more proud of Mac+Shy, from their you could develop an internal conflict of Shy's, then leading to great tension between the two mares. Stemming from that, you could've started the story from an earlier time frame thus allowing for a better development of the major conflict.
Despite these basic flaws, the story is very emotionaly invested and I hope to see more of it soon.
Hurry please. I'm starting to chew my nails in suspense for the next chapter.
3610235 Remember there are always dreams in my stories
3610253 Aww thanks! I'm GOING AS FAST AS I CAN THOUGH! I'll start tonight!
3610229 Alright alright!
Wooo!YES!I haven't seen a good Fluttermac in AGES! Please continue
Thanks Candytip. You're a great writer.
3610325 No prob, but I should be the one thanking u. No ones called me that in ages
Well... I certainly feel like I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't point out the problems lingering in this piece. This could certainly be a lot more solid. I encourage you to continue on, but unfortunately this first chapter strikes me as passable if it were a first draft. I don't claim to be an expert or anything, but I'd be willing to give a painfully invasive critique of this. At any rate, I'm still of the mind that you should continue on. No matter who you are, your writing will only improve if you keep at it.
Uhm. The flow of this somehow really... alienates... me? Why is AJ bringing up the topic just before Fluttershy has her foal? That's horribly inconsiderate timing, therefore OOC (out-of-character).
And I can't help but think there's subtle point-of-view violations, especially since Fluttershy is telling the story. She calls her own speaking saying something "kindly" -- I dunno.
Sorry, but I will down-vote this. I don't like doing that, so I'll try to explain. The scene where AJ snaps requires a credible build-up, at the very least something that brings the parent's back-story into the scene. What made her snap? Were the others expecting this? How do their friends see the situation, how do they react? And it needs to be explained, even if just a little, why this conflict wasn't solved earlier. Surely AJ noticed them dating and knew of the pregnancy?
I know it's hard to get right, but this just doesn't work in such a quick pace. It just goes too much against AJ's character for the conflict to erupt and be kind of resolved in quick succession. The readers need to be led into the situation and the concerned parties' feelings carefully, since it conflicts with what they expect. Maybe give the story some room, make longer dialogues, have the conflict appear subtly before it bursts out like this?
I wish you all the best with your writing!
the pace is too fast. but it is good
3613336 thanks
Ummm...... That was MY death story of Applejack's parents.