The League of Lyras

by Redcoat

LoL #6

When I wake up the morning I am not a happy pony. I'm stiff, my throat feels like I swallowed a hoofful of nails and my stomach is screaming bloody murder, which is a lot less efficient than regular murder.

The first thing I do in the morning is walk down to my kitchen and drink a cup of the blackest, deepest, darkest, stomach-wrenchingest, paint-peelingest, soul-suckingest coffee that's ever existed. It's great! After that I'm one happy camper!

I go through my cupboards and make a sandwich or twelve and have breakfast. After breakfast, I'm all out of sandwiches! So I pull a brush through my mane and go out to my favorite sandwich shop down Forward and Draw, just past the pet shop.

On most days I see a yellow mare just staring through the display window with huge, soulful eyes at a pile of puppies huddled together, giving her the same look, but with the addition of puppy tears. After I leave the sandwich shop I generally see her carrying the whole lot out and to her cottage. I even heard that she has a forty puppy limit at the shop, and that when she reaches it she takes all the puppies and goes the see the pet shop's manager.

She generally clears out the shop whenever it gets new animals.

Anyway, I go to the sandwich shop, Subhay, and I get about twenty or so sandwiches. And there's this really cute colt that works there who makes the most godlike hay-on-rye sandwiches! Mm! I wanna make him mine, and then he'd make the sandwiches and I'd make the-... I, uh, er... hehe, cough cough.

Anyway, the point is that I'm going to make that hunk of stallion mine. By this point in my day I'm drooling, and only partways because of the colt. He makes really good sandwiches... Anyway, I grab my twenty sandwiches and I get to work as fast as my little pony tail can move!

By the time I get to my workplace it's about ten o' clock, and I start my job. Which involves a lot more sitting around and doing nothing than I like to be honest. But that's okay! Because sometimes we do get a call and we're on our way! We get three to five calls a day, which isn't all that surprising if you consider our proximity to the Everfree forest.

Which is weird, 'cause I mean why would anypony actually want to live so close to the wildest, scariest, monster fulliest, mortality leastiest forest ever? I guess it doesn't really matter, seeing as how if they didn't I'd be out of a job!

Anyway, my work day ends at five o' clock and I start home. Sometimes I swing by Subhay, but not often. Nopony's sandwiches are as good as his. *Girlish sigh of longing*

Anyway, my journey home is usually a calm and relaxing trip through the pristine beauty of nature. Usually. Sometimes, I get into situations that I get calls about! But that's never a problem, not for me anyway. I'm what you might call a professional.

Or a hack who found some jackets, depending on your legal standing. But it doesn't really matter, because I know what I'm doing. I can stare down a cockatrice, or out-roar a manticore! … Well, not really. That's just the promotional junk for the public. A cockatrice's stare can actually petrify you, so I actually wear reflective glasses when dealing with those.

And manticores are the reason tranquilizer guns were invented by the late doctor Tranq Lizard, who ironically enough died of being tranquilized and than stabbed in the chest thirty seven times. The report also says that his front hooves were missing, but that's silly.

Anyway, after I take care of whatever potential disaster show's it's face, I'm back to my journey home. Sometimes I see my friends and we hang out! Like, last time we went out for sandwiches, and the time before that we went out for sandwiches, and the time before that we went out for sandwiches, and the time before that we went out in search of the Holy Pail, which is said to be the very pail that Faust used to fill the oceans in, and that if you drink even a sip you'll have an ocean in your stomach and explode, dooming the surrounding area to a watery grave!

So when we found it we were extra careful not to drink even a drop, even though we had to tie up Archaeologist Lyra because she kept trying to drink it! Something about dehydration and not believing in myth we base our entire society on. She gets really weird when she's thirsty.

But Adventurer Lyra knew what was up, so Archaeologist Lyra didn't explode in the end. Anyway, we sold it to some museum in Canterlot and donated the bits to the university where Archaeologist Lyra works. But, not before going out for sandwiches.

When I finally get home there are about thirty cats meowing at me until I feed them. You see, these are all the cats I've rescued out of trees over the years, but nopony came forward to claim them. I tried giving them to that yellow mare, but she said something about 'being responsible' and refused to take them!

Anyway, it take like twenty pounds of cat food to feed them all, and even after that the gluttons whine for more! That's about the time of night where I kick them out of the house for some midnight hunting. But do they actually hunt? No! I've followed them before, they just go to that yellow mare's house where she feeds them with about two hundred cats that're already there!

I swear, if she were so inclined she could probably take over Equestria with that many cats!

Anyway, after that I make my own dinner, a couple dozen PB&Js. I brush my coat and teeth, I put my retainer in for the night and I go to sleep, wake up the next day and do it all over again.

My name is Fire-and-Rescuemare Lyra, and I'm a fire and rescue mare. Enlist now to save lives!” Fire-and-Rescuemare Lyra finished, panting for breath and struggling to keep a huge grin on her face.

“Miss, I just wanted to know where the restrooms were.”

Fire-and-Rescuemare Lyra hung her head and pointed a hoof over to the east someplace.

“So much for recruitment day.” She mumbled before digging around inside of her desk for a sandwich.

Author's Note:

Need editor and proof reader, inquire within.

Comments

[Twilight_Scratch]

Oh dear, attack of the Lyras...

[Twilight_Scratch]

Also, Inquiring within about 'proofreader needed'
*Knock knock*

[Redcoat]

4622114 I'm so stupid. People won't know I've replied unless I click the reply button. PM me.