“Order! Order! Order in the League of Lyras!” Yelled Lyra as she slammed a gavel onto the table. The chatter ceased and all eyes turned towards her. “Now, you all may be wondering why I have called you all here today...” Lyra stopped and snickered. “I've always wanted to say that.” She noticed that the assembled were staring at her, and quickly put on a serious face.
“I have called you all here today to discuss something important, fundamental to this organization's very existence, our very existence. I have called you all here today to answer a question that has haunted me on many a sleepless nights, and many of yours too, I'm sure. Why are we here?”
A green mare seated to the east of their round table stood up and spoke. “Well, when a mare and a stallion love each other very much-” “Shameless Lyra sit down! That's not what I'm talking about. What I want to figure out is, why are there so many of us?”
“What do you mean?” Asked Interrogator Lyra. “Well,” Began Philosopher Lyra. “I mean, you know how there are only one of some ponies? There is only one Sepia Tock, and only one Applejack. So, why are there so many of Lyra?”
The assembled Lyras blinked at once, sans Philosopher Lyra. “Why does it matter?” Asked Care-free Lyra. “Well, it doesn't, not really. I just want to know. And, we're not the only ones, either!” “Yeah!” Said Wanderer Lyra. “I got lost on my way here, and when I went into one of the rooms to ask for directions I saw the Band of Bon-Bons.”
“How do you know that they really were the Band of Bon-Bons?” Asked Interrogator Lyra. “They had a banner.” Replied Wandered Lyra. “Not the Band of Bon-bons banner? I thought that was banned!” “It is!” Said Knowledgeable Lyra. “So, they put up the Banned Band of Bon-Bons Banner?” Asked Interrogator Lyra.
Wanderer Lyra shook her head. “No, the Banned Band of Bon-Bons are still serving ten to twenty in the big house, and I don't think they even have a banner. the Band of Bon-Bons I saw weren't banned, just the banner.” “So,” Began Interrogator Lyra. “just to get this straight, the Banned Band of Bon-Bons are still in prison, they might not even have a banner and the Band of Bon-Bons were flying the Banned Band of Bon-Bons Banner, but the Band of Bon-Bons weren't Banned?” “Exactly!” Said Wanderer Lyra. “Weird.” replied Interrogator Lyra.
“So, it's been established that there are more than just us that are multiplied.” Declared Captain Obvious Lyra. “But that doesn't answer my question! Why are there so many of us?” Asked Philosopher Lyra. “Maybe Discord? He does crazy crap for the fun of it, and he's been around since before any of us.” Offered Realistic Lyra.
“Naw, I bet it's because of Changelings!” Declared Conspiracy theorist Lyra. “No way, I'm sure that any Changeling that's seen how nice we are would come clean.” Said Naive Lyra. “I can't take it any more! I'm a Changeling!” Yelled Suspicious Lyra from the top of her lungs before burning her disguise away.
The congregated Lyras gasped, all except Conspiracy Theorist Lyra, who said something more along the lines of “I knew it!”
“I should go.” Said Suspicious Turned Changeling Lyra before started to get out of her south facing seat. “No!” Yelled Philosopher Lyra. “We need every head we can get to figure this out!” Changeling Lyra's face brightened. “So I can stay?” She asked excitedly. “Only if you put Lyra back on.” Said Conditional Lyra.
Changeling Lyra Quickly flashed on a Lyra and sat down. “Waaiiit a second, if we want every head we can get to help us, why don't we invite the not-Banned Band of Bon-Bons?” Asked Realistic Lyra. “Because, shut up.” Replied Philosopher Lyra. Realistic Lyra stared shocked and incredulous at Philosopher Lyra, but otherwise didn't speak.
“Well, even though there is a changeling here, that doesn't explain the rest of us.” Said Philosopher Lyra. “So... Anymore ideas?” The other Lyras all put their hooves to their chins at once. The resounding 'Hmm' of a roomful of ponies thinking could be heard throughout the entire building.
“What if...” Hesitant Lyra started “Yeah?” Prompted Philosopher Lyra. “Well, what if we're all clones of just one Lyra?” The silence that followed was palpable. “But then, who would be the original?” Asked Captain Obvious Lyra.
“Wait a second! Who's ever heard of cloning except in science fiction? No way we're all clones of the same pony.” Stated Realistic Lyra. “How do you know that the crown isn't hiding experimental cloning technology?” demanded Conspiracy Theorist Lyra.
“Because it's ridicules, and I'll tell you why.” Began Knowledgeable Lyra. “One, I am current and on the fore-front of science, anything that is even remotely possible, I'd hear about it. Two, What would be the point of cloning twenty versions of the same pony?
“Three, Celestia wouldn't just clone a pony then set the clones free with the chance of them finding each other. If it was a success, than she would announce it to Equestria, if it was a failure, that would probably mean that we all died. So in other words, there is no way that the government is doing cloning stuff, and we aren't clones.”
“Oh.” Conspiracy Theorist Lyra said. “W-well how do you know that it wasn't somepony else than? Like... Like the Minotaurs! They've always been good with biological science!” Knowledgeable Lyra was about to disprove that as well when she realized that she had never been to Tauros, neither did she have any informants from over their. She just didn't know. This deeply unsettled her.
“Ah ha! So you don't know!” Said Conspiracy Theorist Lyra triumphantly. “W-well... No, I don't know if Minotaurs have developed cloning or not. But I still don't think I'm a clone. If I were, wouldn't we be the exact same as each other?” Asked Knowledgeable Lyra.
“Hm. Good enough for me. But let's not trash the idea just yet, let me write it down to think over later. Anypony got a pen?” Asked Conspiracy Theorist Lyra. “Here you go.” Said Supplier Lyra as she hoofed a pen and a note pad to Conspiracy Theorist Lyra.
“...” Said Quiet Lyra. “What is it? You know I always know when you have something to say.” Said Observant Lyra. “Well, what if we're all versions of Lyra from different universes brought together to the same world?” Quiet Lyra Asked.
Before any Lyra could answer that thought, the doors to the room were thrown open and a bright light shone through, leaving the silhouette of Regular Lyra's good friend, Bon-Bon Decimo. All the Lyras squinted and blocked out the light, as the room had been rather dim. “Lyra? What are you doing all alone in the dark? And who were you talking to?”
Alt. Ending
Before any Lyra could answer that thought, the doors to the room were thrown open and a light green unicorn stallion walked in. “Is this that convention of Lyras? My name's Guyra, I got a memo?”
“What is it? You know I always know when you have something to say.” Stated Observant Lyra. “Well,.. what if... we're all versions of Lyra from different universes brought together to the same world?” Quiet Lyra Asked.
The room quickly grew silent. Not even the cricket dared to crick so much as a whisper. Quiet Lyra began to feel very sorry that she had said anything, for not only was every eye in the room on her, she didn't much like the expressions found there-on.
“Well Quiet Lyra, it looks like every one thinks you're crazy.” Captain-obvious Lyra observed. “Y-yeah.” Quiet Lyra agreed in a voice most often associated with a certain yellow pegasus.
“Well.” Started Realistic Lyra. “I don't see why we should throw this idea out the window. It's not nearly as outlandish as some from out last meeting.” And with those words, she had doomed the multiverse theory to the rubbish bin.
The debate may have gone on, or not, but it didn't matter. Because at that moment every stomach in the room let out a rumble, so loud that the Band of Bon-Bons panicked and started huddling under tables and doorways.
There was no earthquake though. It was something much worse than that. The entire League of Lyra was hungry. And what every Bon-Bon knows is that when Lyra is hungry, she goes and gets something to eat. Every member of the Band of Bon-Bons turned their head until they were staring at one mare.
Confectionist Bon-Bon.
She had doomed them all.
A knock at the door ripped their attention away from the mare who had inadvertently put them at such risk, and effectively cleared the front half of the room. “Hello?” Came a faint voice though the double doors. “Um, this is Quiet Lyra, and I was wondering if you have any snacks you could spare? W-we're all really hungry over here in the 'League', heh heh... eh...”
All the mares in the room turned their heads and gazed at Generous Bon-Bon, who was being held down and gagged by Convenient Bon-Bon and Jailor Bon-Bon. They all breathed a sigh of relief, until Spotter Bon-Bon spotted Curious Bon-Bon walked up to the door. She yelled a warning, told Curious Bon-Bon to stay put, that she shouldn't open the doors.
But the thing about curious ponies is, you should never tell them not to do something.
But Spotter Bon-Bon didn't know that, and Curious Bon-Bon opened the gates.
_____
“So this is what your little club is like.” Observed Lyra-who's-friends-with-a-Bon-Bon. “Okay, one, we are a band. We do musical concerts and stuff like all the time. Two, our band is hardly little. We had to split into four different groups. And three, remember to thank Supplier Lyra for the biscuits and tea for me.” Confectionist Bon-Bon said.
“Sure thing. And thanks for the sweets. You know how much the league loves 'em.” Confectionist Bon-Bon nodded her head and watched the rest of the mares in the room. They had divided into small groups once they had received their candy, tea, and biscuits.
Some groups were comprised exclusively of Lyras, others of Bon-Bons, and still others had mixed company. Lyra-who's-friends-with-a-Bon-Bon noticed Changeling Lyra laughing with Conspiracy theorist Lyra and some Bon-Bons. When she asked Confectionist Bon-Bon about who they were, she replied. “That's Suspicious Bon-Bon and Junior Ectobiologist Bon-Bon.”
The Bon-Bons and Lyras laughed and chatted and played shuffleboard and had much fun. And the day ended, they went home, and dreampt no dreams, for Princess Luna was off gallivanting through the countryside in search of a bakery that made moon pies.
When I wake up the morning I am not a happy pony. I'm stiff, my throat feels like I swallowed a hoofful of nails and my stomach is screaming bloody murder, which is a lot less efficient than regular murder.
The first thing I do in the morning is walk down to my kitchen and drink a cup of the blackest, deepest, darkest, stomach-wrenchingest, paint-peelingest, soul-suckingest coffee that's ever existed. It's great! After that I'm one happy camper!
I go through my cupboards and make a sandwich or twelve and have breakfast. After breakfast, I'm all out of sandwiches! So I pull a brush through my mane and go out to my favorite sandwich shop down Forward and Draw, just past the pet shop.
On most days I see a yellow mare just staring through the display window with huge, soulful eyes at a pile of puppies huddled together, giving her the same look, but with the addition of puppy tears. After I leave the sandwich shop I generally see her carrying the whole lot out and to her cottage. I even heard that she has a forty puppy limit at the shop, and that when she reaches it she takes all the puppies and goes the see the pet shop's manager.
She generally clears out the shop whenever it gets new animals.
Anyway, I go to the sandwich shop, Subhay, and I get about twenty or so sandwiches. And there's this really cute colt that works there who makes the most godlike hay-on-rye sandwiches! Mm! I wanna make him mine, and then he'd make the sandwiches and I'd make the-... I, uh, er... hehe, cough cough.
Anyway, the point is that I'm going to make that hunk of stallion mine. By this point in my day I'm drooling, and only partways because of the colt. He makes really good sandwiches... Anyway, I grab my twenty sandwiches and I get to work as fast as my little pony tail can move!
By the time I get to my workplace it's about ten o' clock, and I start my job. Which involves a lot more sitting around and doing nothing than I like to be honest. But that's okay! Because sometimes we do get a call and we're on our way! We get three to five calls a day, which isn't all that surprising if you consider our proximity to the Everfree forest.
Which is weird, 'cause I mean why would anypony actually want to live so close to the wildest, scariest, monster fulliest, mortality leastiest forest ever? I guess it doesn't really matter, seeing as how if they didn't I'd be out of a job!
Anyway, my work day ends at five o' clock and I start home. Sometimes I swing by Subhay, but not often. Nopony's sandwiches are as good as his. *Girlish sigh of longing*
Anyway, my journey home is usually a calm and relaxing trip through the pristine beauty of nature. Usually. Sometimes, I get into situations that I get calls about! But that's never a problem, not for me anyway. I'm what you might call a professional.
Or a hack who found some jackets, depending on your legal standing. But it doesn't really matter, because I know what I'm doing. I can stare down a cockatrice, or out-roar a manticore! … Well, not really. That's just the promotional junk for the public. A cockatrice's stare can actually petrify you, so I actually wear reflective glasses when dealing with those.
And manticores are the reason tranquilizer guns were invented by the late doctor Tranq Lizard, who ironically enough died of being tranquilized and than stabbed in the chest thirty seven times. The report also says that his front hooves were missing, but that's silly.
Anyway, after I take care of whatever potential disaster show's it's face, I'm back to my journey home. Sometimes I see my friends and we hang out! Like, last time we went out for sandwiches, and the time before that we went out for sandwiches, and the time before that we went out for sandwiches, and the time before that we went out in search of the Holy Pail, which is said to be the very pail that Faust used to fill the oceans in, and that if you drink even a sip you'll have an ocean in your stomach and explode, dooming the surrounding area to a watery grave!
So when we found it we were extra careful not to drink even a drop, even though we had to tie up Archaeologist Lyra because she kept trying to drink it! Something about dehydration and not believing in myth we base our entire society on. She gets really weird when she's thirsty.
But Adventurer Lyra knew what was up, so Archaeologist Lyra didn't explode in the end. Anyway, we sold it to some museum in Canterlot and donated the bits to the university where Archaeologist Lyra works. But, not before going out for sandwiches.
When I finally get home there are about thirty cats meowing at me until I feed them. You see, these are all the cats I've rescued out of trees over the years, but nopony came forward to claim them. I tried giving them to that yellow mare, but she said something about 'being responsible' and refused to take them!
Anyway, it take like twenty pounds of cat food to feed them all, and even after that the gluttons whine for more! That's about the time of night where I kick them out of the house for some midnight hunting. But do they actually hunt? No! I've followed them before, they just go to that yellow mare's house where she feeds them with about two hundred cats that're already there!
I swear, if she were so inclined she could probably take over Equestria with that many cats!
Anyway, after that I make my own dinner, a couple dozen PB&Js. I brush my coat and teeth, I put my retainer in for the night and I go to sleep, wake up the next day and do it all over again.
My name is Fire-and-Rescuemare Lyra, and I'm a fire and rescue mare. Enlist now to save lives!” Fire-and-Rescuemare Lyra finished, panting for breath and struggling to keep a huge grin on her face.
“Miss, I just wanted to know where the restrooms were.”
Fire-and-Rescuemare Lyra hung her head and pointed a hoof over to the east someplace.
“So much for recruitment day.” She mumbled before digging around inside of her desk for a sandwich.
“Are you sure you're ready for this? It can be pretty rough for first timers.”
“No, I promised myself I'd do this. I need to live my life. Take control.”
“Okay, but remember, you asked for this.” Adventurer Lyra said before opening a very old door. Nerdlet Lyra closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. She held it in, resolving herself, until she was ready.
She let out the breath, and as she opened her eyes, a light glinted off them.
She looked into the darkened depths. She had been preparing for this for months, and she was ready. She had read every manual, held interviews with professionals and had run simulation after simulation. She was literally as ready as she would ever be.
She took a step forward. Then another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. She was at the edge. Just one more step and she would have breached the darkness.
She glanced at Adventurer Lyra, who gave her a reassuring smile and a nod. Nerdlet Lyra took another deep breath.
And stepped forward.
It was colder inside, Nerdlet Lyra noticed. An echo from The Step bounced down the hall, getting ever quieter, until it was altogether silent. She strained her ears, but heard nothing. They must not have started yet. She still had time.
She felt something brush against her shoulder, and she jumped away squealing. The scream echoed back: all surrounding, all consuming. Nerdlet Lyra winced as the ringing filled her ears. She remembered why she had screamed. She whipped her head around, expecting to find a fanatic or something worse. All she saw was Adventurer Lyra.
Nerdlet Lyra coughed sheepishly before pretending it had never happened. Adventurer Lyra followed her lead.
Figuratively.
Adventurer Lyra walked in front of Nerdlet Lyra, leading the way. She had been here before, after all. She knew of any dangers they might encounter. The door began to close, moving under its own weight on well-oiled hinges. Soon what little light the portal provided had been closed out, and it was darker than ever. Adventurer Lyra did not look back, so neither did Nerdlet Lyra.
They continued down the hall. Occasionally they would hear a noise, or a voice, echo down through the halls which set Nerdlet Lyra on edge. They ran into a large pack of rats once, red eyes glowing evilly in the dark.
Nerdlet Lyra would have run were she alone, but it only took a shout from Adventurer Lyra to scatter them. Nerdlet Lyra put a hoof to one of her pockets, feeling for the long stick that was her only source of light. She was tempted to turn it on, but she remembered what Adventurer Lyra had told her. She needed to save it.
Soon they turned a corner, and saw him. A massive green Minotaur with long horns that curved upward, at least as tall as Celestia and much larger in girth. He wore a pair of tinted red goggles and had his arms folded, standing in front of a pair of doors: he was The Guardian.
Adventurer Lyra approached fearlessly, only stopping when she was right in front of him . “Who has come to my gate?” He boomed. The halls did not echo this time.
Adventurer Lyra replied in kind. “We who have payed the toll. Let us through, O faithful Guardian.” She held two golden rectangles for him to examine.
He showed no signs of acknowledging the ingots, but after a few second had passed, he silently took them and stepped out of the way.
The gate opened, seemingly of its own accord. It was even darker inside than the hallway was, and she could see them. Hundreds of...Things that disgusted and horrified her. Monster's silhouettes splayed across the wall, only barely distinguishable from the darkness that surrounded them.
Adventurer Lyra surged ahead, heedless of the horde that surrounded her on either sides. Nerdlet Lyra quickly followed her, afraid of the monsters, but even more afraid of being left behind with them.
They all ignored the pair for the most part, only occasionally crying out when Adventurer Lyra pushed them out of her way. Nerdlet Lyra was sure to quickly follow before the monster moved back to its spot.
Soon Adventurer Lyra stopped, and told Nerdlet to do the same. Nerdlet Lyra bumped into her, unable to hear her over the dull roar of the horde. Nerdlet Lyra blushed before sheepishly looking at Adventurer Lyra, who gave her a wry smile.
The pair stayed there, encircled with hellish beasts and drowning in their din. Nerdlet Lyra tried to not think about it, instead repeating a mantra in her head. My light is off, they can't see me. My light is off, they can't see me. My light is off, they can't see me.
She glanced towards Adventurer Lyra, and gawked when she saw her casual chatting with one of the beasts. She almost couldn't believe it, which is to say that she did believe it because she had known Adventurer Lyra for some time.
She heard a whirring sound, and just a fraction of a second later was blinded by a rainbow of neon lights, racing to her eyes form strips above their heads. Right after that, eight floodlights, two in each corner of the very large room, burned to life, illuminating the entire room.
Then she heard it, the arguably loudest sound she had ever heard in her life: It shook her bones and sent a shiver down her spine. If there had been any chance of retreat before, it had been vaporised when the floodlights switched on. It had begun.
Adventurer Lyra was having an awesome day. First she tricked one of her best friends into exploring an ancient temple with her, then they found some treasure, and then they got shot at by some crooked ponies who wanted said treasure, and now they were running for their lives.
Yep. The day had been pretty awesome.
Archaeologist Lyra was not having an awesome day. First, she was tricked into desecrating an ancient temple by one of her best friends, then nearly destroyed some priceless pottery trying to claim a worthless gold trinket. Then, they were almost killed when some rather nasty looking ponies showed up that desired said worthless trinket. After they were dispatched, which involved far more violence than she would ever be comfortable with, they accidentally set off a trap and now they were running for their lives from a giant stone cube that was sliding after them on a series of rollers.
Yep. Her day had been pretty terrible.
“How could you *huff* do this to *huff* me?! I thought we were *puff* friends!” Archaeologist Lyra wailed, nearly tripping on an errant vine. She resisted the urge to look over her shoulder, instead keeping her focus on not stumbling on anything else that got under her hooves.
“We are friends! You think I'd go treasure hunting with just anypony? Ha! Only my very best of friends get a piece of this!” Adventurer Lyra replied over her shoulder in a way that was more yell-y than reply-y.
“Why are we friends?!” Archaeologist Lyra screamed.
Adventurer Lyra didn't answer, instead she grabbed Archaeologist Lyra's wrist and pulled her through a crack in the side of wall right before the cube came swooshing along, rolling on its merry way towards the death and destruction of its foes.
Inside the crack was very dark, and very cramped. It smelled of rot and thousand year old death, not a very nice place in archaeologist Lyra's opinion. Adventurer Lyra couldn't have asked for a better crevice.
It wasn't the scent of rot, but treasure that was in the stale air. And only a novice adventurer would mistake the smell of adventure for death. It was pretty much perfect. Adventurer Lyra immediately began to wiggle her way deeper into the fissure.
“What are you doing?!” Screamed Archaeologist Lyra from behind Adventurer Lyra, her voice bouncing off the walls and magnifying. They both winced when the echo resounded back at them, nearly a hundred times louder than when she had screamed it first.
After Adventurer Lyra's ears stopped ringing, she turned and smirked at Archaeologist Lyra. “I'm going after treasure, of course.” A frown came over Archaeologist Lyra's face when Adventurer Lyra said that, but she didn't really know what she had expected.
Adventurer Lyra gave her a winning smile, and Archaeologist Lyra dropped her head, sighing a long and suffering sigh.
“Fine. But if you destroy any more samples, I will endyou.” She finally said before starting to wiggle after her. At this, Adventurer Lyra smiled even wider and began to once again move forward. They only had to wriggle for a few minutes before they came to the other side. It wasn't what they were expecting, except for Adventurer Lyra, who had been expecting something awesome. And it was awesome.
“What is this place?!” Asked Archaeologist Lyra, loudly. Adventurer Lyra uncovered her ears and swept her hoof across the view provided by their high vantage.
“Welcome to the lost valley of Shamllama, friend.” It indeed looked like a lost valley. It was choked with massive trees, some bigger than the skyscrapers she had seen in Manehatten. The sun shone through the branches and off in the distance she could see a massive temple even taller than some of the trees.
Archaeologist Lyra gaped for exactly one second.
She narrowed her eyes at Adventurer Lyra as she saw her looking for a way down.
“No.”
Adventurer Lyra felt a chill go down her spine. She whirled around, desperately searching for some ancient evil that was dark enough to give her chills. “Not to be a buzz-kill Archy, but you may want to go back. I'll be fine if an ancient evil attacks, but-”
“No.” Came the voice again, colder this time. Adventurer Lyra slowly turned her gaze towards Archaeologist Lyra and gasped.
“H-hey Archy, you're not looking so hot. Maybe we should go back for now, I can come here some-”
“No, Adventurer Lyra. You won't come back. Ever.”
Adventurer Lyra's eye grew wide as saucers. “W-what are you talking about? Never come back? But what about adventure?” Archaeologist Lyra just looked at her with cold grey eyes.
“No, my 'friend'. You'll never come back, and I'll make sure of it. This area will be blocked to all but those who have Official Passes. No adventurers who'll come in, breaking priceless artifacts to steal mere gold. Only those who pursue knowledge will be allowed to come here.”
Archaeologist Lyra's eyes began to glow, and she started to float up into the air.
“Only those with careful hooves will tread this jungle. And once it has been scoured of all the knowledge it contains it will become a refuge, a safe haven for scholars across the world!”
Her voice became louder, reverberating into itself. A thousand voices speaking at once, driving themselves into Adventurer Lyra's head, into her mind. She became worried when she started to like it.
“You wished for treasures and baubles, but Instead you will find a palace beyond your wildest dreams, fit for a goddess! Where any can come to learn unhindered by their mortal coil! IT WILL BE A PARADISE OF KNOWLEDGE!”
---
“It was at that point that Twilight Sparkle teleported in from somewhere and started going into a nerd frenzy or something.”
“That's rough. Wait, Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, Defender of Equestria yada yada etc. etc.? That Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yeah, it was kinda lame. She started setting things on fire. We got the heck outta Dodge, dunno about her though. Anyway, long story short, Archaeologist Lyra is not going to be adventuring with me again.”
“I said I was sorry!”
Interrogator Lyra slowly, oh so slowly, closed the window Archaeologist Lyra was looking through. Then she closed the blinds. Then she turned them so that light couldn't get in. She switched the lamp that was on her desk on, and then turned to Adventurer Lyra.
“So she's not a good candidate?”
Adventurer Lyra sighed and folded her hooves over her chest. “No.”
Interrogator Lyra did the same and shook her head. “Then it's back to the drawing board.”
