3585030 If you don't want to see coltcuddling, you should probably avoid people with a username like mine. ThatOneColtCuddler is kind of a dead giveaway.
However, you are correct in the sense that not everything on FiM should be coltcuddling. I shall be writing a serious story soon, that will not involve coltcuddling, if this pleases you.
3585030 No fimfiction needs less assholes who think their preferences are the most important and other people have no right to have different preferences.Screw you,you little douchebag.
Hello. Let me show you how to find artists of pony pictures. Here we have Soarin and Thunderlane in a gayish situation. So we just need to open Derpibooru and search for soarin, thunderlane, gay. Right now this picture is fourth for this search (with my filters at least), and the artist appears to be Acstlu.
Besides - if nothing else, so far we don't have anything that contains the implied "if you wanna be a Bolt, you'll let me under your tail" in the title. ;)
Hello again. Now that i have read this story, I will try to give you some advice. You will decide if it is nonsense or something useful. The main problem is severe lack of thoughts on Thunderlane's part. His thought process here is basically: "I want to be a Wonderbolt, so I better go to training early. Oh, Soarin! Oh, he's hot! Oh, now I am in trouble. Oh, we're going to kiss and maybe more! Damn, a cockblocker. This will have to wait until the evening." You did not establish what kind of feelings Thunderlane has for Soarin: is Soarin his lifetime crush, or just the only attractive stallion around, or something else? Since this is supposedly a romance story, that should be the main focus. And then there is Soarin, whose behavior is incomprehensible for me. Some cadet who happened to be in the same place with him gets a wingboner, so he immediately takes this cadet to his office and initiates sex with him. Even though he knows this cadet must be training in less than 15 minutes. As far as I know, people usually do not get in the mood for sex in this short time without even expecting it. And then we have this:
Soarin was done playing around. Done hiding his feelings.
What feelings, exactly? All I see is some unhealthy lust without any actual emotions. Also, "Celestia's orb" made me laugh for a couple minutes. Is "the sun" not fancy enough for you?
In short: for the main character you should describe his thoughts and emotions that lead to actions before he takes that actions. And for other characters, their thoughts and emotions should be possible to infer from their actions and words, at least in most cases.
3597760 Thank you for the feedback. That was something I've worried about for some time but I didn't really know how to address it. I will attempt to do better in the next chapter, and I'll fix this one to the best of my ability.
"And you know what they say about big wings" I could see soarin or thunderlane saying/thinking this, but hearing the narrator say this sounds extremely amateur. In fact, most of the narrative sounds amateur, especially with the focus changing from primarily thunderlane to soarin for one paragraph, just for the convenience of things. That takes away the intrigue of the audience finding out that soarin is into colts when he reveals it for himself. And saying things like "soarin was incredibly gay". Wow. No.
This chapter is just a huge brick of text. Please format it properly. I love this ship, but the gargantuan wall of text is just preventing me from doing so.
Oh buck this is quite a funny read, Thunderlane is sure in for some fun
Words can't express how much I love this. The kissing is made so well and all.. I .. I ...
love it!!! need more!!!
Fimfic needs less coltcuddling.
Jotos (Gays) Lmfao
3584943
Really? I was worried I didn't write it well enough
3585030
That's quite the statement considering the abundance of f/f ships. Don't like coltcuddling? Don't read it.
3585030
If you don't want to see coltcuddling, you should probably avoid people with a username like mine. ThatOneColtCuddler is kind of a dead giveaway.
However, you are correct in the sense that not everything on FiM should be coltcuddling. I shall be writing a serious story soon, that will not involve coltcuddling, if this pleases you.
3585115
Flint Sparks!
<insert Rarity's reaction to Sapphire Shores here>
3585142 Yay!
3585030
3585153
3585030
Actually, I think you'll find it needs substantially more.
Dang it! Just when they were getting to the good stuff!
Please do more forthis
3585030 No fimfiction needs less assholes who think their preferences are the most important and other people have no right to have different preferences.Screw you,you little douchebag.
Hello.
Let me show you how to find artists of pony pictures. Here we have Soarin and Thunderlane in a gayish situation. So we just need to open Derpibooru and search for soarin, thunderlane, gay. Right now this picture is fourth for this search (with my filters at least), and the artist appears to be Acstlu.
3597445
Thanks. I really don't like to leave cover art uncredited as it seems unfair to the artisit.
3596101
And you shall have more.
3596649
Eeyup. I will continue this, although I will have to change the rating.
3597694
Woohoo!
Besides - if nothing else, so far we don't have anything that contains the implied "if you wanna be a Bolt, you'll let me under your tail" in the title. ;)
3597704
Oh it's going to get waaaaay more serious.
Hello again.
Now that i have read this story, I will try to give you some advice. You will decide if it is nonsense or something useful.
The main problem is severe lack of thoughts on Thunderlane's part. His thought process here is basically: "I want to be a Wonderbolt, so I better go to training early. Oh, Soarin! Oh, he's hot! Oh, now I am in trouble. Oh, we're going to kiss and maybe more! Damn, a cockblocker. This will have to wait until the evening." You did not establish what kind of feelings Thunderlane has for Soarin: is Soarin his lifetime crush, or just the only attractive stallion around, or something else? Since this is supposedly a romance story, that should be the main focus.
And then there is Soarin, whose behavior is incomprehensible for me. Some cadet who happened to be in the same place with him gets a wingboner, so he immediately takes this cadet to his office and initiates sex with him. Even though he knows this cadet must be training in less than 15 minutes. As far as I know, people usually do not get in the mood for sex in this short time without even expecting it. And then we have this:
What feelings, exactly? All I see is some unhealthy lust without any actual emotions.
Also, "Celestia's orb" made me laugh for a couple minutes. Is "the sun" not fancy enough for you?
In short: for the main character you should describe his thoughts and emotions that lead to actions before he takes that actions. And for other characters, their thoughts and emotions should be possible to infer from their actions and words, at least in most cases.
3597760
Thank you for the feedback. That was something I've worried about for some time but I didn't really know how to address it. I will attempt to do better in the next chapter, and I'll fix this one to the best of my ability.
"And you know what they say about big wings"
I could see soarin or thunderlane saying/thinking this, but hearing the narrator say this sounds extremely amateur.
In fact, most of the narrative sounds amateur, especially with the focus changing from primarily thunderlane to soarin for one paragraph, just for the convenience of things. That takes away the intrigue of the audience finding out that soarin is into colts when he reveals it for himself.
And saying things like "soarin was incredibly gay". Wow. No.
Loved reading the first chapter :3 Can't wait to read the next :D
Oh, some sexy stuff with my third fav m/m ship?
BUCK YEAH THIS IS THE PART WHERE I ACT LIKE A DICK!!!!!1
This chapter is just a huge brick of text. Please format it properly. I love this ship, but the gargantuan wall of text is just preventing me from doing so.
3598019
Spitfire R63 version = Hellfire.
7209184
It's even bigger than Trump's Wall of Quarantine.