Dear Apple Fritter,
How’s it going? I hope you and ya brother are doing alright. I wish this just a letter just to say hi but unfortunately it’s not. Big Mac forced me to ask for some help this apple bucking season. I would do all the extra bucking myself but Princess Twilight and Big Mac have made me ask for some help. They said if I didn't ask for some help, they were going to tie me down and do it for me. Then they said something about how one year I over did it and caused the whole town trouble, I could have done it myself but I just wanted to humor Twilight. So can you help us out? Because if you can’t then my friends will have to and I`m not really sure if I want my family to.
Your cousin,
Applejack
Apple Fritter read over the letter as a sincere frown appeared on her worried face. She and Braburn already had a big apple bucking season of their own to handle. But they couldn't handle it all without the help of other family members, which meant that her brother and his friend would have to help out. However, she did not feel at all comfortable with those two going by themselves. Even though Rainboom who is a Pegasus and Night Writer who was an unicorn were nice, hard workers they were very mischievous and always seemed to get into the wrong side of the law. Just last week they had decided to humor themselves by throwing some apple pies at the sheriff. She smiled humorously at the memory of the more than serious look on the sheriff’s face as pie dripped down his face. Rainboom was OK, but it was Night Writer she worried about. Although, he wasn't exactly family he stilled seemed like a little brother to her. He had been working on the farm since he was just a colt. But her cousin needed their help.
She reached into the draw and pulled some parchment and quill before scrawling a letter to her cousin in need.
Dear Applejack,
I am sorry to inform you that Braeburn and I are simply too busy to help. However, my brother and his friend Night Writer could definitely be of assistance. I will send them to Ponyville by train tomorrow morning. Could you please meet them at the station? I will have to ask you for a favour as I am worried about Night Writer. He is most likely living with his sister so I need to you watch over him. They may be hard workers but are still trouble makers, especially Night Writer so be sure to keep a close eye on him. Also, make sure that he writes to me every so often.
Your cousin,
Apple Fritter
Apple Fritter quickly sealed the letter and placed it into her mouth so she could post it. She hurried out the door and stepped out onto the front porch of her ranch. From her porch, she could see Rainboom and Night Writer bucking apple trees with all the force, determination and strength of two fully grown stallions.
“Hey ya’ll I have some new for ya.” she said as she approached them.
Night Writer’s dark blue coat shimmered in the afternoon light as he turned to her. His mane was as blue as the clearest sky and his mane went a little down his waist. A book and a feather adorned his flank represent his writing abilities. His emerald eyes glimmered, they reflected his easy going personality. He also had a tendency to pull pranks but was still a very good friend who would never let you down.
Rainboom also had a rather dark coat of blue, with a purple and green mane and tail that etched out in places which always tended to be messy. Although he was an Apple, Rainboom’s cuitemark was a music note. This, did not please his parents at all. He was a very sensitive and caring stallion who would be alone with just about anypony and was also a very loyal pony who would never abandon his friends.
“Applejack needs your help. She has a lot more apple trees this year and has requested our help.” she said to the pair of stallions staring at her with wide eyes.
“I will send my sister a letter telling of her where I will be going. When are we leaving exactly?” asked Night Writer.
“Tomorrow and you better be on your best behaviour also, I want you to send me letters. I shouldn’t have to worry about about you two pulling some prank on the mayor. Don’t go thinking you won’t be caught if you do, because Applejack will send me a letter if you do.”
“Oh come on Fritter, that prank will pulled on the Sheriff was hilarious. He didn’t even see it coming. The look on his face was priceless.” said Rainboom who laughed at the memory.
“Yeah, it was pretty funny right up until he chucked us in jail. When my sister found out, I thought that my hooves were going to fall off from all the hard work we were forced to do. She was so mad.” said Night Writer smiling at the memory. “Good times, anyway I have to write a letter to my sister. I'll be right back.”
He gave Apple Fritter a soft punch in the leg. She simply glared in reply as she walked up towards the house.
Apple Fritter turned to Rainboom and wrapped her hooves around which he returned.
“Look little brother, can you do me a favor and not listen to him? He is a great stallion and all but he is too alike his little sister. Also can you make sure he doesn't make too much trouble for Applejack?” she asked.
Apple Fritter broke the hug and started to walk towards the house.
Night Writer pov.
Night Writer is in his room about to start the spell to talk to his sister. to do this spell he need to have complete concentration and a very strong connection to the other pony. Not only that but the last time he did it he saw something that he wants to forget so it a very good chance you will hear something that you do not want to here. Night Writer cast the spell with his horn lighting up in a midnight blue a few sec. Later he hears a voice.
"Hey bro whats up looking to hear you sister having some fun with a stallion.
"Dammit sis I trying to get rid of that memory and you have to bring it up.
"Yep i did now other than wanting listing to your sisters private time wats up.
"Well I was going to see if you want your big brother over but i'm starting to have second thoughts.
"All but I miss you it lonely here with just me and my roommate please big brother said vinyl sarcastically.
"Well than you going to be happy applejack has a huge harvest this year and needs me and rainboom help so I need to so I was thinking about staying with the best sister ever.
"Well that good you know you always welcome here so what time do you want us to be there oh and my co worker and roommate will be there.
"Cool I will see you at seven then and say hi to your room mate for me.
"Ok cool and thanks for telling me I don't care if you drop by but my roommate has to know ahead of time if I going to have guests over. So anyway will see you tomorrow at seven by.
with that the spell stop and night writer headed back outside.
Rainboom pov. When Night writer casting his spell.
‘Man, I can’t believe we will be going to Ponyville. Night Writer and I have to Ponyville before and boy did we have a blast. Until Night Writer and Rainbow Dash decided it would be a good idea to dye Rarity’s hair red. Or when he and Pinkie Pie decided to see who could eat the most sweets.’ he laughed at the memory of Night Writer bouncing off the walls for an hours and it even took Twilight to stop him.
Rainboom started to get back to bucking the apple trees. He was bucking them by himself for awhile until the aforementioned stallion came back to help him. They bucked trees until the sun began to slowly descend beyond the horizon. They decided to call it a day and return to the house for dinner when they got there they saw rainboom cuz. Braeburn.
“So, what’s for dinner sis and hey Braeburn what have you been up to” he asked as he entered the ranch.
“Well, we’ll be having apple fritters and applesauce.” she replied cheerily.
"Hey cuz. Just stop by to see if you guys need help but it seem like you got it." said
braeburn.
"Ya me and my buddy here have it under control for now.
They two stallions took a seat at the table as they started to fill their plates with the delicious food that was before them. Apple Fritter and braeburn soon joined them.
“So Night Writer, what did your sister say?” she asked.
“She said that it was really cool that I was coming to Ponyville and that she would be happy for me to stay with her. She also wants me to meet her co-worker and roommate.” he replied.
Night Writer and his sister had found a way to communicate telepathically so they could talk whenever they were apart. It took Night Writer forever to learn the spell but he was glad that he did.
so is your sister still working at that nightclub that rainboom first meet her? ask braeburn.
yep but see has a second job apparently since she wants me to meet her co-worker my sis like to work alone on stage usually replied Night writer.
“You will be meeting up with Applejack and Night Writer’s sister at the train station tomorrow morning. Please don’t go off to one your sister’s concerts you to rainboom, I know you love music but you know how Granny Smith and our parents feel about so please promise you won’t.” she said seriously.
“Don’t worry sis, we promise we won’t go goofing off to any concerts.” he said cooly.
“Good, now get to bed. You both have a very early rise tomorrow. And Night Writer, don’t stay up until midnight reading, you need your sleep. Applejack is pretty strict about the time you arrive tomorrow After all, she has an awful lot of work to do back at the farm.
“Look, I`m a fully grown stallion. I think I can determine for myself what time I go to bed. Besides, I just got my spell book back and I need to brush up on my magic.” replied Night Writer a little annoyed.
“That can wait till morning, now off to bed you two.” said Apple Fritter assertively.
Night Writer and Rainboom went up stairs to their bedrooms and went to bed.
The next morning they arrived at the train station. Apple Fritter went over to the ticket booth and brought their tickets.
“Ok guys the next train for Ponyville is arriving soon, do you have the one hundred bits I gave each of you?” asked Apple Fritter as they waited for the train. Both stallions nodded their heads. “Good, now remember to say hi to your sister for me Night Writer.” she said before giving them both a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Ah come on Apple Fritter, it’s not cool. Anyway, I'll tell my sis you said hi.” said Night Writer as the train pulled into the station.
“All aboard for Ponyville!” announced the conductor.
“OK sis, see you after apple buck season.” farewell Rainboom.
“OK that’s us. Bye Apple Fritter, I will write to you tonight.” he said before they both boarded the train.
A few minutes later, the train departed from the station and they began their long journey to Ponyville.
"so is there any reason you were smiling after my sis gave you a hug. smirk rainboom.
"I don't know what you are talking about rainboom. said Night Writer with a blush.
"sure you don't anyway i am glad we going back to ponyville it going to be fun". happily said rainboom.
Night writer was too distracted to hear rainboom last comment he was thinking about what apple fritter did. now Night Writer is not in love with apple fritter he just thought of her like a mother in mean she's the one who taught him everything and was better than his good for nothing mother but he would never tell anyone. but as he has these feeling he started to drift off and soon fell into sleeps embrace.
That synopsis is amazing--sheer poetry, really. It reminds me of Shakespeare in its intricacies; Night Writer and Rainboom are already so incredibly detailed in the synopsis that we can fully immerse ourselves in the story with the characterization already present.
Good night, sweet prince (of writing).
You have no idea what the shift key is for, do you?
3562189
ya it a key that is use to capitalize a letter. it just i am far to lazy to use it.
Just kidding well if you are talking about the description ya i was so busy with the chapter i forget to edit that and i will fix it.
3562441
Yeah, that was sarcasm. 3562179 wasn't being serious and actually meant the opposite of what was said.
In other words, your summary is bad.
3563749
yes i know i put that there for the 1 in million chance that yipyapper meant it.Also thank for not saying that it suck which it did.
3562179
thanks for the comment but i can do without the sarcasm.
ok let make this clear i do not mind what you guys post as long as it not to inappropriate . but i will not except thing that has to do with murder,suicide or rape if you want to post this stuff do it some were else.
3572148
Well, I didn't need to say it because obviously you knew this already didn't you? The question then is why did you release this story into the wild knowing what it is you know?
And unfortunately you've lost whatever point of chance or whatever that you wanted to make once you deleted those comments. Your story will fail, nobody will read it with no thumbs up, a bad summary and deleted comments except to say how bad this story is. So really I would say your best bet is to cancel this story and try something else.
3572889
Well i tell you why I was excited to post my frist story that I did not think it though. Thanks for the advice I think you are right.
Why is your description a mile long? Did not very clear explain that should only be four sentences at most? Plus, there isn't even a cover image which doesn't help. You could put anything there and no one would care. Look. Shorten description. No half the description size. Get a cover image say, Appaloosa, Apple Fritter or some apple trees anything just something.
ya i did shorten it, as to why it was long because people were saying that it was not detailed enough so i made it more detailed but now i know to keep it short and detailed
So... I normally wouldn't have read this at all, because the description is still a bit off-putting. Much better than it was, judging from the comments, but it could still use some polishing. I can see you're trying though, so I decided to give your story a quick read.
You could use another editor/proof-reader to pick up some of the flaws that the first one missed. There were several, even ignoring the grammar and word-choice problems sprinkled through-out. Luckily, most of those weren't the sort that tripped me up. For the most part, I understood what was going on, except for this sentence.
At first I thought that meant he was living with his sister in Appleloosa. It took awhile before I realized she was in Ponyville. Using the word staying, instead of living, would have been a better choice. It's much more transitory.
Also, roughly how old is Night Writer's sister? I guess she's old enough to live alone? Are neither of them living with their parents? It'd be nice to know if Apple Fritter is older or younger, considering she's acting very motherly towards them. Are Apple Fritter's and Rainboom's parents dead? And where was Braeburn? He was mentioned once, and then forgotten.
Here are the two major things which perplexed me utterly.
I can accept a unicorn learning a telekinesis spell, but then you didn't even show him using it. Seeing their actual dialog would have been a nice way to show the difficulty of the spell, how hard it is to use, and possibly why they don't typically bother (or some other reason for why it is rare.) It also would have shown the personality of his sister.
However, since they've been to Ponyville before, there really shouldn't be a need to talk to her through telekinesis, given the cursory information that he received. That was stuff he probably could have found out when he went there last, or through a prior letter that he sent to her. The only thing he didn't know for certain was that she was happy to see him on such short notice, but he probably knows her well enough to know she likes him dropping by, and sending her a letter would keep his arrival from being unexpected, which is about the only thing that might upset her.
Also, why in the world would an earth pony, who's specialty is music, be named Rainboom? I realize there is the fact they get their cutie marks later in life and they get named at birth, but... Rainboom is a special pegasus move that seems like it has nothing to do with this character. I wouldn't say Rainbow Dash is the only one who can perform it, since it might be possible that others could, but I'm still assuming they need to be a pegasus, or an alicorn, or a pony with a flight spell of some sort.
One of the biggest overall problems though was unintentional redundancy. There was a lot of that, but a few too many examples to provide. There is also a lot of unnecessary stuff that could have been edited out, just in general. Realistically speaking, this probably could have been edited down entirely, until it was only a small scene in the first chapter, or dropped completely.
If nothing else, the content of the letters really served no purpose. You could have dropped those, since Apple Fritter had to inform the OCs about the change of plans. Later on, you could have had Applejack react to Apple Fritter's comments about Night Writer and possibly even bring them up.
Presumably he'll get in trouble, which will give AJ reason to say, "Apple Fritter warned me about you. Guess I should've taken her seriously."
Or something like that.
I realize you're trying to set-up these two characters, so the reader knows what they're like and who the important ponies in their life are, but if the story isn't taking place in Appleloosa, there isn't any reason to start there. Certainly not for a full prologue. Nothing really happens. Not that something always has to happen, but for OCs especially, you really need to grab the readers right away, and convince them to invest their time in your story. I would have never finished reading this if I hadn't made myself, so I could offer some proper feedback.
I think some subtle hints to Apple Fritter's nature could have easily been made through dialog or narrative thoughts, and the rest of the necessary information given in the prologue could have been brought up within Ponyville and sprinkled around, or referred to in a small scene set during the train ride.
3595609
i thank you for taking your time to read this and i will fix it .But first i should tell you Rainboom is my best friend oc and a Pegasus not a name i would choose thought . as to night writers sister i did not show them talking because i want to keep who she is a secret till next chapter.Also i want to give Rainboom and Night writers parents there own chapter about them later that will also show Night Writer and Rainbooms past .As for there age night writer is 22 night writers sister is 20 Rainboom is 20 and apple fritter is 30.