Another Displaced Human Dilemma

by The Grey Pegasus

[13] [S4E11]-Three's A Crowd

Another Displaced Human Dilemma
By:

< 13 >

Four Doesn't Even Get an Idiom

Page flip.

"Star Swirl the Bearded Traveling Museum in town, for one day, this weekend..."

This morning, I wasn't at Lucky's house, but rather, decided to get up relatively early and just get breakfast at some cafe out in Ponyville. Different sights, different atmosphere. I quite like the atmosphere of quiet mornings in a cafe.

There were only the soft sounds of ponies moving about, all in various paces from slow walks to quickened walks. The occasional voices from ponies ordering breakfast or receiving breakfast. Light conversation for those that were eating with companions.

Then there was me, like a few others, reading the paper.

You know, it was a really interesting thing, to get the news for the day from an actual print newspaper. I felt so detached from everything—a far cry from the 24-hour availability of news back when I was human. Nope, I had to rely on the papers and word of mouth to find out anything that was going on, which involved considerable lag time. Events happen quickly, but their methods of reporting on it and spreading the information to the masses does not.

Whether that's a positive or negative thing, that's a very debatable topic. Personal opinion though, I was able to keep up with the seeming overload of information, and really liked being able to get all the details in with relative accuracy, after collecting from a reasonable amount of sources. Knowing more details makes you more informed, and being more informed allows you to make better decisions and form more complex views.

<Equestria's a... simple world though. In a sense.>

Maybe. But I think that's nonsense—they have levels of technology that probably put them at a pace roughly equal to that of the early to mid 20th century.

Anyways—a traveling museum? That's... interesting.

<I'm sure it must have existed as a concept at one point. It's kind of like galleries moving between museums, except this one stops to make displays at certain locations.>

It's probably based off of traveling circuses.

<One wonders what kinds of things they have on exhibit, to be able to parade around Equestria with memorabilia from a figure like Star Swirl.>

Nothing with great magical power, I suppose. Or, I'd hope, knowing Equestria.

<It's probably just things like notes and papers and ordinary-but-notable objects then. Running off of the 'similar to traveling circuses' thing.>

Have I ever mentioned how great it is to be able to talk to myself, but be less weird about it because we're technically two different entities?

<You can say it's great, but I look like a fucking weirdo.>

At least we both keep it in our heads.

<Typing means I'm putting it into words for others to read.>

I got up from my seat, breakfast finished. Your fault making this fic, by the way.

<It was a calling I had to answer.>

Yeah, I understand.

I headed out the door of the cafe, wondering what I was going to do this morning. I stood outside for a bit, considering my options, but also figuring out what my body felt like doing.

And... weirdly enough, I felt like... just flying a bit. I took off in whatever direction there was to an open fly zone.

Besides, I guess I needed to train for that biathlon anyways.

<<+>>

I'd been flying around Ponyville for a few hours, according to where the sun was when I started and where it was now. I have to say—it's kind of incredible, the distances that can be flown while not tiring out. They say humans had better stamina over their prey, but I guess that didn't include flying things because wow, flying is such cheating. Which is why we invented airplanes, I suppose.

I was pretty winded by the end of my session, so a drink would've been nice. As luck would have it, I was by Fluttershy's cottage. A visit probably wouldn't hurt.

In fact, I just happened to catch Fluttershy as she was out getting her mail.

"Oh, hello, Stardust," Fluttershy smiled as I approached. "What brings you here today?"

"I was just flying around," I replied. "Do you mind if I come inside and have a glass of water?"

"Of course not, come in." Fluttershy welcomed me inside and led me to a table. On it, she dropped off her mail, before going into her kitchen. It didn't take long for her to return with the requested glass of water.

"Thanks." Mm, a nice, refreshing glass of cool water.

As I quietly appreciated said glass of water, Fluttershy opened her mail. One of them appeared to bring her great joy. "Yes! Oh, this is wonderful!"

"Hm?"

"The Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures have given me permission to observe the rarest, tiniest, most adorable magical creatures in all of Equestria – the Breezies!" Fluttershy explained.

"Sounds like an opportunity you've been waiting for."

"It is! I feel like I should tell somepony else! I'm just so excited!" Fluttershy looked around, as if expecting there would be someone else in the vicinity. Finding none, she took the letter under her wing and left out the front door.

"Uh... I should probably go check it out," I told myself out loud, to nobody in particular. Well, what would be nobody, were it not for the always-present other me-entity.

This is probably a lead-up to an episode, isn't it.

No response.

You know, I've gotten used to these kinds of things actually being answered, so the lack of one really doesn't inspire confidence in me.

<<+>>

"... Wow, Fluttershy, that's fantastic!"

Trailing Fluttershy led me to Twilight's treehouse. All roads lead to Twilight, I guess, when an episode is involved. Then again, my current relationship with Twilight is the reason why everything's worked out so far.

"Oh, it's not just fantastic; it just might be the best news ever!" Fluttershy said.

And as I entered the room, so did Pinkie.

"I just got the most incredible mail anypony's ever received in all of recorded pony postal history!" Pinkie exclaimed. "It's a flyer about a one-day sale on used patio furniture! Aah! Could this day get any better? Woo-hoo!"

Yeah, keep me away from that. I don't have money to spend. Oh—and I noticed the show camera for a second, but it disappeared right away.

"Hiya, Stardust!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"So what news brings you here?" Twilight asked, a grinning, expecting look on her face.

"Fluttershy's news, actually," I said, frankly. "I was there when she got the letter, then she got so excited, she ran off to tell someone else." I paused a bit, but then transitioned into changing the topic. "So what big news did I miss here?"

"Princess Cadance—Twilight's sister-in-law—is visiting this weekend," Spike filled me in. "Twilight's really been looking forward to just spending quality time with Cadance, since they've always been really close."

Oh, cool. Cadance. I guess some events will transpire that will lead me to meeting her, so that should be fun.

"Sounds like a great time," I said.

"Ooh, ooh!" Pinkie waved. "Twilight, you should at least introduce Stardust to Cadance! It isn't everyday that a pony gets to meet the Princess of the Crystal Empire!"

"Well..." Twilight said. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt. What do you think, Stardust?"

"Um..." I got hung up on what seemed like a bit of an excuse here.

Pinkie ran up beside me and whispered, "Just say yes! I'm trying to help you and Grey here enter the plot!"

Well, when Pinkie puts it that way, "... I wouldn't mind it. She sounds like a great pony."

"Okay!" Twilight said. "Meet us at the train station this weekend then."

... There's gonna be a catch here, isn't there.

No response.

The lack of a response is worrying.

<<+>>

I found myself on the platform at Ponyville Junction—which I said it will be called from now on—with the rest of the Mane 6. First of order was actually sending Fluttershy off on her trip.

Rarity placed a blanket in Fluttershy's saddlebag. "Here's a wrap, in case it gets cold."

"And I packed you a basket of nice fresh apples in case you get hungry," Applejack added.

"Have a great time!" Twilight said, adjusting Fluttershy's hat.

"Oh, I will," Fluttershy said. "And I hope you have fun with Cadance."

The conductor called all aboard, and in a short moment, Fluttershy was aboard and off, waving to us from the back. And Pinkie with some small antics, for comedy relief. Like getting distracted by this red balloon.

"Oh, I'm a bit nervous about Cadance's visit!" Twilight worried.

"What could you be nervous about, Twilight?" Applejack asked. "Cadance just loves you to pieces!"

"I know, but I really want her visit to go without a hitch!"

"Oh, why wouldn't it?" Pinkie asked.

"Well, the last three times we've seen each other haven't exactly been worry-free," Twilight noted.

"The fate of Equestria has hung in the balance during most of your visits with her," Rarity agreed.

Really though? There was the wedding, the Crystal Empire, and... what's the third one?

<Your 'welcome to Equestria' day?>

Oh, hey, you're back! And... I guess I'll have to take your word on that one.

"Exactly," Twilight said. "Cadance and I haven't really had a chance to just enjoy being friends again. Which is why it is so important that this visit be about the two of us having some real quality time together."

"I'm guessin' you've got a plan that'll keep it that way," Applejack said.

"The timing couldn't be more perfect. For one day only, right here in Ponyville, the Star Swirl the Bearded Traveling Museum! Cadance and I can spend the whole day looking at Star Swirl the Bearded artifacts!"

I didn't want to say it out loud, but... seriously Twi? Not only does that sound a bit lame, but I don't think a traveling museum has enough content to fill a whole day.

"Sounds like a perfect drama-free way to spend the day with Cadance," Rarity declared.

"Not counting the drama surrounding which of the bells from his cloak they've chosen to put on display," Twilight continued, pointing towards an announcement flyer on the wall. "Spoiler alert: it's this one!"

Rainbow, as per usual, found that pretty 'eh'. She made mock coughing actions. "Uh, sorry. Something in my throat... like a big ball of 'lame'!"

See, even Rainbow agrees with me.

"I think it sounds delightful," Rarity countered.

"Yup, definitely sounds like you two will have some real quality time together," Applejack agreed.

"Exactly," Twilight said. "Just quiet time."

There was a loud train whistle from down the track, and a pretty loud train accompanying it. Whoa—was that a... crystal bullet train?

Its brakes screeched as it halted to a standstill in front of us. A door opened up, then came the fanfare. Hey, is that Flash Sentry?

Never mind that, though, Cadance just stepped out. She bowed to Twilight. "Your Highness."

"Your Highness," Twilight replied in kind.

They straightened back up, giggling. "I'm teasing, Twilight. We're sisters-in-law. We don't have to be so formal," Cadance said. Behind her, her train left the station. "Knowing you, you've made some plans."

"Boy, have I," Twilight said.

<Wait—so 'boy' can be used in an expression? Does the same go for 'man'?>

Shush, I'm trying to pay attention.

<But speech patterns! Natural speech patterns to be exact!>

I didn't hear the rest of what Twilight said, but she did turn towards us to tell us something. "You guys—"

<Now 'guys'!... Who wrote the script for this episode?>

"Now, now, don't you worry about a thing!" Rarity said. "We will make sure that nothing—but nothing—interferes with your visit."

"Go on, have a hootenanny with your kinfolk," Applejack agreed. And that is one hell of an expression there, AJ.

<Yeah, who wrote this script?!>

"You really are the best friends a pony could ever have," Twilight thanked her friends. With that, she chased after the other alicorn. "Coming, Cadance!"

Pinkie sighed happily at the sight. "Two sisters-in-law bonding. Well, I for one am gonna make sure that nothing spoils their day!"

"Heeey," I suddenly realized. "Pinkie, that didn't work at all. Not the way you said it would, at least..."

"Oh!" Pinkie turned back to me. "I know! But it did what it needed to do!"

"Which is..."

We didn't get any further than that before a new sound reached our ears. It was something like... a whistle. We turned our eyes towards the sound, and saw something fast approaching from the sky.

"What is that thing?" Applejack asked.

Rarity's eyes went wide. "Whatever it is... DUUUCK!"

"Rarity, that doesn't look anything like a duck!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Whatever it was crashed into a nearby tree.

"What is that?" Rainbow said.

The tree burst into flames, revealing—"No, not a "what", but a "who", dear."

"Oh, no... That sounds like..."

Everyone knew the name. "Discord!"

As for me? EXIT STAGE LEFT, EXIT STAGE LEFT. With my mind made up very quickly to stay out of the way of this nutjob, I slid away before anyone could notice. However, I was curious enough to stick around in earshot, but away from eyesight.

Is this what you were staying quiet about earlier?

<It sure is. And guess what—I don't want to mess with him either. So go do 'naturally occurring' plot stuff, and try and stay away from him, will you?>

Yeah, yeah. I still want to hear what this guy's up to though.

"What in tarnation are you doin' here?" Applejack asked. "And why the jumpin' June bugs are you blue?"

"More like a shade of cerulean, to be precise," Rarity noted.

"Whatever color you are is the color of trouble!" Rainbow said simply.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash, I've changed, surely you remember?" Discord said. "I was reformed by lovely little—" He interrupted himself holding back a sneeze. "F-F-Fluttershy—" Then he sneezed.

"What are you, sick or somethin'?" Applejack asked.

"Well, of course I'm sick," Discord said. "The blue skin? These sneezes? Could somebody find me a fainting couch?"

There was a bit of a pause.

"What?" Rarity said.

Oh, right. Rarity and her couch-conjuring ability. I guess they were all staring at her right then and there. I peeked out of my cover to see Pinkie pushing over a random pile of luggage.

"How charming, thank you," Discord said, regarding the pile of luggage to sit on. Can't imagine that was too comfortable, but whatever. "I can't stop sneezing and wheezing. In short... I need help."

"If you're so 'sick', why have you come here instead of, y'know, staying home in bed and getting over your weird illness?" Rainbow asked.

"Because this condition has left me helpless, simply helpless!" Discord continued dramatically. Why, I can barely lift a spoon." He continued after some more dramatics that the others weren't really buying. "I came to find the one pony who truly understands me and could nurse me back to health. Where is that dear, sweet Fluttershy? I need attention! I need some care! I need—"

"You need to chill," Rainbow said. "Fluttershy's out."

"Oh, of course, her trip to see the Breezies. Ah, yes, I had forgotten that was today."

"How do you know about her trip?" Applejack asked, rightfully suspicious.

"Well, she told me about it in her last letter," Discord answered.

"You and Fluttershy write each other letters?" Pinkie asked.

"Well, of course we do! We're friends!" Discord exclaimed. "It's just such a shame that today of all days is when I really need her. Oh, well, I know what to do."

"Good thinking," Rainbow said, clearly having enough of the draconequus. "Head on home, put your feet up. I'm sure eventually you'll have the strength to make yourself soup or something..."

"Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no! I mean, while she's gone, you ponies can take care of me! Isn't that what friends are for, taking care of each other?" He grabbed them all in a weird hug that none of them wanted to be part of. "Let the healing begin!"

"Not it!" Rainbow quickly flew off. Can't say I blame her.

And you know what? The longer I stayed here, the longer I risked being discovered. If he hadn't already secretly done so. Yeah, I'm leaving too. Good luck, everyone else.

<<+>>

I found myself wandering through the Star Swirl the Bearded Traveling Museum—

<You idiot.>

What? I'm curious.

<I thought we agreed for you to do 'naturally occurring' plot stuff that would reduce the risk of you bumping into Discord.>

Yeah, yeah, I know that Twilight and Cadance are going to be here. I'll take my chances.

<Oh, good, this is still a pretty accurate self-insert, and I haven't lost my sense of perception yet.>

What does that mean?!

<That being uncharacteristically stupid because the plot says so. I can't recall when I was stupid enough to head into situations I know have a high probability of going wrong the way I expect it would go.>

Nonsense. You're just not putting enough thought into remembering any of those times.

"Oh, Stardust, didn't expect to see you here!"

<Welp.>

I turned towards the greeting and found myself face-to-face with two alicorns. "Oh, uh, hi there, Twilight. I was just, uh, curious, you know." I looked at Cadance and motioned towards her with my hoof. "Should I—I should... bow, right?"

I started bowing down, but kind of slow and awkwardly. I was still struggling with knowing Cadance's character, and the whole 'bowing' thing just felt... a little too formal right now.

Cadance just giggled. "You can rise."

I rose from my near-completed bow. Also, I'd just noticed that Twilight was—"You are... dressed up. As Star Swirl."

"I know, it's great!" Twilight clapped her hooves in delight.

"Who might you be?" Cadance asked me. "You sounded like you know Twilight pretty well."

"Oh." I looked away a bit. "I'm... an associate of hers. I'm working with her on... a topic of her research."

"Oh, nonsense," Twilight said, waving a hoof. "You're a friend, Stardust. We interact frequently enough and intimately enough. An 'associate' doesn't just stay with ponies in a different city to help finish making dresses for Rarity, or help resolve Applejack's apple crop crisis." She turned towards Cadance. "He came here to Ponyville on a journey of self-discovery. He hasn't been able to get his cutie mark yet, and after a short series of events, he agreed to stay in Ponyville as the subject of my study."

I moved my hindquarters around a bit, still feeling awkward at the mention of the lack of the special butt tattoo. Not that moving around stopped Cadance from peeking around to see for herself.

"That's really interesting," Cadance said. "Maybe Twilight will get to share more about your studies and findings later."

"If you say so..."

"Hey!" Cadance explained, with her attention back to the exhibits. "Look! I think this is the candlestick he used to light the way when he was exploring the caverns of Maretania!"

"It sure is!" Twilight agreed.

It was a candlestick on a golden candle holder, inside a glass box. Historical context considered, I guess it was interesting. I have to say though, it was... really plain. No engravings on the candle holder or anything?

"Oh, I can't believe I'm getting to see it in real life!" Cadance said.

I suppose historical value was enough though.

Then it started rattling. A moment later, Twilight and Cadance jumped back in surprise.

Ohhhh no. And again, I'm going to take my leave.

I managed to slip away again, just as Discord appeared in front of the two mares, and sneezed. And again, curiosity got the best of me, so I remained close enough to watch.

"Discord!" Twilight exclaimed. "What are you doing here?!"

"Oh, dear, dear Princesses, I'm sorry to say that I'm sick." Discord continued making sick sounds. "Blue flu."

"Blue flu?" Cadance asked.

"Ah, I fear I've already given it to poor Applejack and Rarity." He sneezed again.

"Magic health bubble," Cadance told Twilight.

"Good thinking." Twilight conjured up said spell, protecting them from any possible contaminants.

"Indeed," Discord agreed, though with clear ulterior motives. "How would Twilight nurse me back to health if she were sick too? You will be letting me stay at your place until I'm all better, won't you?"

Twilight was obviously not happy with the suggestion. "Stay? With me?! Uh, now is not really the best time, though I'm sure you already knew that..."

"But taking in the sick and the desperate—isn't that what Fluttershy would do? Isn't 'helping' something that friends do for friends? Unless, of course, you're really saying that you're not my friend." There goes Discord, playing his gambit cards.

Twilight grit her teeth. "No, that is not what I'm saying."

"Oh, how elated I am to hear that," Discord said, knowing he was winning. "Shall the three of us head back to your place? I don't want to get anypony else sick."

Twilight sighed. "Guess we don't have much choice."

"Carry me?"

"It isn't far," Cadance said. "I think you can manage."

"Oh, poo."

As they left the area, Twilight began looking around, probably in search of me. She managed to catch my eye, then gave me this look of despair.

Dammit, Twi, why?

<No...>

I'm sure her look was conveying the same thing Discord was saying about helping friends.

<Don't... You don't have to... Twilight wouldn't do that—she wouldn't subject anyone else to the fate of dealing with Discord.>

I grumbled in frustration. Something's just calling me...

<Why do you have to be morbidly curious about interacting with Discord?>

Because this is a fun cartoon, and we like FiM a lot for many of its aspects. I'm sure a... chance meeting with Discord would spice up my life a little.

<I'm sure it'll do a lot more than that. You know if you do, you're not the only one here that'll suffer.>

We'll see what 'naturally occurring' plot stuff will get us into. It'll be great.

<<+>>

I opened the door to the Library—

"AAAAAHHHH!—"

—to get swept away by a rushing torrent of water?!

I heard the subtle sounds of some magic, and a moment later, I was back to standing on firm ground.

"Stardust!" Twilight exclaimed. "What are you doing here?!"

I shook my head a bit to reset my mental state, and to dry myself a bit. "Uh..." Across from me was the chaos lord himself, lying in Twilight's bed. "You seem to be having problems."

That caught his attention.

... Whoops?

The draconequus looked at me funny. Then sinisterly. Then curiously. "Well what have we here?"

"Oh no, Discord," I said, immediately deducing what he was thinking about me. "Don't say a word about it."

"Stardust?" Twilight asked, caught off guard by my sudden response to Discord.

"Oh, but it's such a wonderful thing!" Discord exclaimed. "Don't you want to share it with—"

"No. There's no reason why I should."

"What are you two talking about?" Twilight asked, confused.

"Well, just something interesting about your new friend here—"

I felt some strange magic grab me, or really my essence or whatever, and start shaking it. My physical body wasn't too happy with the metaphysical interaction.

"—has, regarding himself."

I wanted to respond in some way, but my body just felt... like it wasn't there. So that's what happens when your soul gets messed with.

"Uh, Stardust, are you okay?" Twilight asked. Her eyes went to Discord's talon, twiddling around like he was toying with something. Which he was. "Discord, stop. You shouldn't do these kinds of things when you're sick."

"Or at all," Cadance added.

"Oh, fine." Discord stopped moving his talon around, and control over myself immediately returned, allowing me to gasp in relief.

"Stardust, what was he talking about?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing you need to know about," I replied, grumbling.

"Really now?" Discord said. "It's not important enough? Well, maybe it isn't right now, but I'm sure she'll find out once it is. Or eventually. Isn't that right, Grey?"

<Shut the fuck up. Go away. And bug the other me that's standing right there. He dragged me along.>

"Hey!" I exclaimed in protest, eliciting a look from Twilight and Cadance.

"Fine," Discord huffed. His expression turned back into his smug, scheming smile. "Well, Grey said to bug you, and I've heard that you've been having strange cutie mark problems, isn't that right? After all, that's why you're staying here in Ponyville, correct? As Twilight's little guinea pig?"

Twilight scowled at the light insult. "How'd you know Stardust is here in Ponyville as a subject of study of mine anyways?"

"Oh, just passed down the grapevine," Discord answered. He turned his attention back to me. "In any case, due to shortcomings of the mastermind-in-charge—

<Watch it.>

"—there's no good point for you to earn your cutie mark, especially not in the time leading up to a very important meeting with somepony that happens to be an unavoidable fate for you," Discord finished. "So you know what—mastermind-in-charge actually came up with a pretty good new plan to solve it!"

"Mastermind-in-charge?" Cadance asked suspiciously. "Concerning a cutie mark? I don't like the direction this is going."

"Neither do I," Twilight agreed.

"Don't fret," Discord waved his paw. "It's nothing you're not familiar with." Then he grinned. "It's just me—the most fantastic deus ex machina device the FiM fandom has to work with!"

Then came the onset of a sneeze. He huff, puffed-

*ACHOO!*

—And sneezed at—"Eugh! What the hell, man?!"

"Stardust!" Twilight exclaimed. "Are you okay?"

"Oh no, he wasn't included in the health bubble spell!" Cadance noted.

"Some weird as hell sparkly feeling sneeze," I mumbled, annoyed.

Cadance gasped. "Twilight! His flank!"

Twilight also gasped.

I decided to look. "Oh." Well, what was a blank space of platinum grey a few moments ago, was now covered by two playing cards—two aces of spades.

"Discord, what did you do?!" Twilight asked, furious.

Discord waved his paw. "It's his actual cutie mark anyways."

Twilight stammered a bit at that, before being able to form a sentence. "How do you know?!"

"I just do. Trust me. You'll thank me later, Grey—actually, wait no—you already have."

<Sigh.>

"You're sick, Discord," Cadance said. "I have my suspicious about this... And you should too, Stardust."

Again, Discord disregarded it. "It's foreshadowing, Dusty boy."

I remained speechless. This was... supposed to be something big, right?

"What does it even mean?" Twilight asked. "If it really is his cutie mark?"

"So many interpretations," Discord said, smiling. "So many that will fit."

"Honestly?" I said. "I'm not sure I ever figured it out."

"... 'Ever figured it out'?" Twilight echoed. "You say tons of weird things, but that? What does that mean?"

Cadance joined in. "Wait, have you seen your cutie mark—or the image at least—before? In a significant way?"

"Alright, this is ridiculous!" Twilight exclaimed, halting the tangental topic to get back to the big problem at hoof.

Cadance caught the cue. "How did you even catch this flu?"

"Inadequate hoof and claw washing?" Discord shrugged.

Twilight went to action. "There must be some way to just cure you! There has to be a spell or remedy in one of my books!"

"There is one way..." Discord said.

"And you didn't think to mention it earlier?" Cadance said.

"Slipped my mind. On a hill at the very edge of Equestria, there grows an exquisite magic flower. Pick the flower as it drops its petals at sunset. Then you can make a magical soothing elixir to cure the blue flu."

"Of course it's something like that..." I said.

"Oh? Back to operating status, are we, Dusty?"

"I suppose you have a good reason you didn't bother to get this flower as soon as you realized you were sick?" Twilight asked.

"Well, I couldn't travel that far in my condition," Discord said. "By the time I got there, I'd be too weak to even attempt to retrieve the flower."

"You'd have done all of us a favor," I told him.

"Morbid!" Discord commented back. "You really are back to one hundred percent already, are you?" he giggled. "Well, anyways, I'd say Fluttershy would be quite sad to hear the news, and Grey would still have a problem on his hands."

<*Grumbles defeatedly.*>

"So where exactly are Cadance and I headed?" Twilight asked, still focused on getting rid of Discord as soon as possible.

"Well," Discord cleared his throat, "you'll want to head north, turn left, th— Oh... You know, it'd be much easier if I took you there myself."

"I thought you were in no condition to travel," Cadance said.

"I'm not," Discord agreed. "We'll need to make some arrangements." He chuckled.

Twilight turned towards me. "Stardust... you should come with us. I'm... worried about something that might happen as a result of... that new cutie mark just appearing because Discord sneezed on you."

I put a hoof up in protest. "I think I've had enough of him for now, and would really prefer just to stay away from this wacko for a bit." I looked away slightly. "Besides, he was your and Cadance's problem anyways..."

Discord chuckled. "You know what? Let's compromise."

I started to say something, and I think Twilight and Cadance were about to also, but Discord snapped his talon first.

<<+>>

"Face it, Dusty, you would've loved to come along on our little road trip. I gave you and Grey the excuse you needed!"

I looked at Discord with an annoyed expression from inside the glass bottle he shrunk me down and stuck me in. Well, I'm regretting my decisions now—like I expected I might. How the hell did we get myself into this? We're smarter than this...

<Apparently not.>

Up in front of us, we heard Cadance straining as she and Twilight pulled the exquisite, heavy chariot carrying Discord through the sky. I mean, for fuck's sake dude, this thing has stairs leading up to your 'throne'.

"Fancy, isn't it?" Discord responded.

"Doing okay there?" Twilight asked Cadance.

"To be honest, I'm a little out of practice when it comes to flying," Cadance replied.

"Well, then lucky for you," Discord said. "We're here."

We landed with a pretty hefty thud at the base of this lone hill in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.

"It's just at the top of that hill," Discord directed them. And with that, the two alicorns were off to retrieve said flower atop the hilltop, right now covered from view by clouds.

Once they were a good distance away, Discord released me from my small size and glass prison, setting me down next to him, back to normal size. "Alright, Discord, what's up here..."

"Hm? Going to have to be a little bit more specific there, Dusty," Discord hummed.

I grumbled. Okay... which question first. "How about bringing us here, to this place? It's suspiciously out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere."

Discord smirked. "Oh, that? Well, you'll see in just a moment."

"Alright, then what about this cutie mark?"

"Pshaw." Discord waved his talon. "You know it's the right one. Just be appreciative, will you? It was Grey's idea, anyways."

<*Defeated sigh.* You know, Discord, you're a real fucking load.>

He chuckled. "You two sure are bringing out the expletives in force. I'm filled with joy, knowing I can have that effect. Anyways, you said it yourself, Grey—best deus ex machina tool the fandom has. And don't go roundabout-ing with the whole 'naturally occurring' plot nonsense too—you're just a nutty human writing a self-insert fic, talking to himself through typing. All this is all you!"

I felt that shocked pause.

"And let's hear that meta comment one more time, also, shall we?"

"Okay, okay," I said, moving away from wrecking the existential grounding of this story. "You said 'foreshadowing' though."

Discord rolled his eyes. "Oh that's simple. Spoiler alert: I'm not actually sick. I just wanted to mess with Twilight and her sister-in-law!"

I scoffed, not even really fazed by the revelation. "Figures."

"Anyways, the best has yet to come!" Discord said excitedly. "Watch this."

He pointed up at the top of the hill, where Twilight and Cadance were now at. Apparently, the first twist was that it wasn't just any flower, but this gigantic, towering thing. Together, the two alicorns were able to uproot the giant flower from the ground.

Then something rumbled. Then shot out of the ground from where the flower was planted.

"What in Equestria?!" we heard Cadance exclaim all the way from the bottom of the hill.

"It's a tatzlwurm!" Discord exclaimed. "Now we sit back, and enjoy the fun!"

I mean, I had this small urge to go help, but considering I wasn't even supposed to be here, I guess it was going to resolve itself in the end.

The massive worm creature roared and began attacking Twilight and Cadance. Its tentacles took ahold of Cadance's leg.

"Twilight! Help!"

"Get your coils off my sister-in-law!"

"Mmm..." Discord hummed next to me. "That's some wonderful fetish fuel, don't you think?"

I shrunk away. "Shut up, Discord. Don't make it weird."

He looked at me with a smirk. "You know you're thinking it. Princess Cadance is one pretty mare, isn't she?" He waggled his eyebrows.

I looked away some more. "You're making it weird..."

Discord playfully punched me in the side. "Don't be afraid to admit it!"

The conflict between the alicorns and the exotic creature continued.

"Let go of my sister-in-law!" Magical zaps from Cadance to release Twilight from—

"Potential tentacle rape."

<Dammit, Discord.>

"Then you stop making it weird, Grey."

Through the combined efforts of both alicorns, they managed to zap the tatzlwurm back into its hole. Then Cadance made sure it stayed there by piling on some heavy rocks.

With that ordeal finished, they headed back down the hill back to us.

Discord was already way ahead of them, jumping around in mocking joy, already back to his normal color palette. "To the ends of Equestria! To face such great danger! And she did it for me! She did it all for me, for me, for me!"

"You... were... faking?!" Twilight was enraged, confronting Discord right up to his face.

"I was! But I had a very good reason."

Twilight landed back on the ground. "We're listening."

"Well, I was in my thinking tree—that's where I do most of my really deep thinking—I was there, and I said to myself, I said, 'Discord, your friend Twilight says that she's your pal, but she never writes and she never pops in for a visit.'"

"I don't even know where you li—"

"'Now that she's a princess, maybe she's decided that she's too good for you.'"

"I have never considered myself t—"

"But how was I supposed to know for sure that I'm truly still friends with one of the most important ponies around?"

"I'm not more—"

"By seeing if you would go to the ends of Equestria for me, of course. Which you did, literally. Congratulations, Twilight, you passed my friendship test!" With that, Discord gave her this little trinket necklace thing.

Twilight wasn't pleased.

"Why the angry eyes? You love passing tests. It's not because my little exam put a damper on your visit with Princess Cadance, is it? Made it so that there was no time for you two to focus on your friendship?"

"You didn't put a damper on our visit at all," Cadance said.

"He didn't?!"

"I didn't?!"

"Spending the day at the Star Swirl the Bearded exhibit would've been more relaxing, but to be honest, relaxation is the last thing I need," Cadance said.

Twilight raised a brow. "It is?"

"Don't get me wrong. Life in the Crystal Empire is wonderful, but it's become a little... predictable. I enjoy a little excitement now and then. Getting to face all these challenges today was just what I needed. And facing them with you just made me realize even more how lucky I am to have somepony like you as a friend. We may not see each other very often, but I know you'll always be there when I need you. Just like she was there for you, Discord."

"Yes, she's a real sweetheart," Discord said, clearly unhappy his plan was foiled by Cadance actually enjoying her day. "We're all so lucky to have her in our lives."

Suddenly, the ground rumbled. The tatzlwurm came back to exact its revenge, popping up right out of the ground beneath us with a furious roar.

"What in the world?!" Discord exclaimed in surprise.

The giant creature just spit on him. The two alicorns were still protected by their bubble spell.

Then Discord turned into this sickly green color.

I had one simple thing to say to him. "Karma, bitch."

<<+>>

"I think it's pretty clear that my visit with Cadance didn't go quite the way I expected," Twilight said out loud as she wrote in their journal. "But in the end, I realized that when you're with a good friend, even the most chaotic day can end up being a great experience that brings you closer. Wouldn't you agree, Discord?"

Discord was quarantined in his own bubble, inside of Fluttershy's cottage where I and the rest of the Mane 6 currently found ourselves.

"Yes, Twilight," he responded sickly.

"I don't wanna go sayin' you got what you deserved..." Applejack started saying.

"Well, I have no trouble saying it," Rarity said. "You got what you deserved!"

"Whew," I said. "You are a harsh one, Rarity."

<See? Totally the perfect pick to drop the F-word first.>

She looked at me with a smirk. "And you aren't?"

I returned the expression. "Just saying, I was there to tell him that first."

"Now, now, he's learned his lesson," Fluttershy said. "Isn't that right, my little patient?"

"I'm so glad that you're back from your trip, Fluttershy," Discord said, seemingly earning some disapproval from everyone else. "Just your presence here is making me feel so much better. I was just wondering, could I trouble you for just one more thing?"

"No!" Twilight exclaimed.

"What?" he said, trying to grin in his sick state. "I was simply going to ask for a teeny, tiny glass of water."

I scoffed.

Bookends, am I right?

<<+>>

I found myself in Twilight's library for a very important talk. Unfortunate—I thought that that previous section ended on a pretty good ending note for the chapter.

<It has to be addressed.>

I know. Proper story flow.

"So... Stardust," Twilight started.

"Before we get started," I interrupted, "Does this mean your research sessions are done?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, actually. It's... actually just introduced a new stage to my research... circumstances considered. You said you've never 'figured it out', which means you know this is your cutie mark. And Discord wasn't actually sick when he made it appear, so I'd assume he was definitely conscious of what was going to happen."

I looked back at my flank, now adorned by what I knew to be my cutie mark, as reinforced by my settled character design. Two playing cards, both the ace of spades, overlapping at diverging angles.

Or as I simply called it, the Twin Aces.

"Like Cadance asked," Twilight continued, "have you seen this as an image or a vision before?"

Well, here goes more story-making on my end. "I... I think it was a dream, yeah. Some sort of vision. But never in real life, I think."

Twilight rubbed a hoof on her chin. "What does it mean? What do you think it means?"

"I told you, Twi, I wouldn't really know where to start," I answered. "I guess we'll have to work from the symbols and see if we can interpret a meaning out of them."

"Give it your best shot, at least."

"Okay..." Well, I think there were a few possible choices, but I went with the one that I think I mostly decided on. "Something about always having an ace up your sleeve, and knowing how to play the cards you're given."

Twilight chuckled a bit. "Alright, sounds like a good, possible meaning to start from." She shook her head in slight amusement. "Two aces of spades... what an interesting cutie mark for a interesting pony... you're an evolving mystery, Stardust."

Author's Note:

<I didn't even intend for 'glass of water at Fluttershy's place' to be bookends for the story, but hey! Always nice when things come together.>

Okay, okay, but first—can I just—step in here for a bit?...

There. Now would you just look at this thing? You got Discord to magically solve the whole cutie mark thing?

<It's good usage of what the season offered, and fits the wackiness that is this fic.>

Well... at least, it sure is nice being a complete package now, with the Twin Aces on my flank.

<Oh, you're not a complete package yet.>

... I'm not?

<Poor you, can't even remember what you're supposed to look like. Fortunately, there's another perfect point to resolve that final bit, and just in time too.>

In time for what?

<A short, somewhat separate story that, by a couple of interesting coincidences while pre-writing random scenes and trying to fit them in, is canon to your story. In fact, it's a story that's been posted for a long time. Funny how writing what comes to your mind can lead to a connect-the-dots type writing.>

I still have no idea what you're talking about.

<Of course you don't. That's how the uncertainties of life are supposed to work.>

Also, let's not have Discord around like that again? I guess that's another benefit of having one more scene with him not around—he can't invade the A/N box.

<Yeah, definitely. I don't need to drive myself to an existential crisis.>

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

The cutie mark anti-climax. I guess I should have seen that coming.

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

But you're our weirdo, Grey.

I know it was mentioned that there were plenty of interpretations, but having two aces of the same suit could also be seen as closer to cheating than playing the cards you're dealt.

[The Grey Pegasus]

8174302
I know. It's a very, very strange symbol that I made up without a meaning, a very long time ago.

Another fun bit I toyed around with was 'maybe it means I like the card game 'spider''.

In any case, it's a symbol that's sort of always in flux, with never really any true, set meaning. I guess that's a fault of this story, but can also be argued that it's just another way of avoiding being a generic HiE self-insert and having a cutie mark that's 'oh, I have this purpose, blah blah'.