It is said that there are an innumerable universes that are in constant contact with our own. It has also been suggested that there are points where the boundaries are close enough for them to touch each other. These have gone by many names but a very common one is a “pole”. Normally this isn’t a big deal, even with constant contact, the universes never really affect each other but when they do…
On a dark, silent night, in the royal castle in Canterlot, a lone guard pony enters a room adjacent to the throne room and comes across a lone crystal encased in a dome of glass. The crystal was none other than a piece of crystal from the crystal city, a crystal sensitive to magic and emotions alike, a crystal that a certain pony knew the true power of. A wide grin cracked its way across the guard’s face and his eyes, glowing green from a dark magic of that certain pony, fixated on the shard of the beloved crystal. The guard pony’s hoof raised in the air and deftly fell upon the encasement housing the gem with a sharp smash. The pony the took the crystal in his teeth and began trotting through a doorway just as a few guard ponies, as well as princess Celestia charged into the room. Celestia’s mouth hung open seeing the smashed case.
“Your highness?” asked Shining Armor, catching her worried expression.
“This crystal…” Celestia began, her mind trying to think of who could have known about the crystal’s presence. Her eyes then shot open in. “No, it can’t be possible! He couldn’t have!”
Before any of the guards could ask any more, the princess was galloping down a hidden path leading to a room under the castle. The rest of the guards followed her, their eyes locked on the princess and their minds primed for anything that could have happened, or anything about to happen.
The passageway led to an old cave. One that was emitting a bright light because of crystals that lined the walls as thought they were naturally growing. The princess and the guards saw a figure facing a glowing pond in a large opening in the cave. The pond itself was glowing its own vibrant glow, a glow unlike any magic any pony was aware of, one ancient enough to evoke both fear and reverence. A deep laugh drew the focus of everypony to the figure standing at the lake, clad in full guard attire. The pony turned around and Celestia narrowed her eyes in scorn and a rage that would shake any normal pony to their core. A sickening green glow emanating from his eyes and a twisted grin played his face.
“My dear, Celestia,” cracked the dark voice, “what a secret you’ve been hiding from me.”
“Sombra…” spat the princess sharply “You are supposed to be banished, powerless because of the crystal heart!”
This statement incited one more depraved cackle. The figure shook with sadistic pleasure seeing the outburst the normally graceful princess had become prey to in his presence. The reaction of disbelief and fear from some guards also whetted his thirst for dominance.
“Ah, yes, that infuriating relic that MY crystal ponies used against me.” Hissed the black voice as a violent flash of anger swept through his visage, “It’s true that it has locked away my body, as well as most of my power, however,” that same smile slit across the pony and his eyes narrowed. “I won’t have to worry about that for too much longer…”
Once the puppet said his peace he quickly shifted his hoof. The princess watched helplessly as the shard slid into the pond with a plop. The figure then laughed its crackling cackle and a dark fog seeped out of the pony and vanished before the guardspony fell to the ground with a hard flop. The guardsponies around the princess began approaching hesitantly before the princess released a sorrowful, tired sigh.
“It is fine guardsmen. King Sombra is gone.”
The guardponies looked to her questioningly as a strained moan rose from the fallen pony in guard armor. Flash Sentry went to the pony and knelt to him. He slowly took of the helmet and the white Earth pony opened his eyes slowly, his fatigue apparent. His crystalline blue eyes listlessly floated around the unfamiliar surroundings he was in. When his eyes fell upon Celestia his muzzle moved showing much labor as he mouthed the name Sombra and fainted.
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With an apathetic yawn, Kaleb Brown, a brown haired, brown eyed young man wakes up. His hand scratched his ever-grown facial hair as his other hand fumbled around his bedside table before clamping lazily around a well-used, slightly cracked, black glasses case. He withdrew the spectacles contained within and began stretching in his room which, at the time, was dimly lit by the afternoon light. He knew it wasn’t the best idea to wake up at this time of day, but with the kind of life he lived, it didn’t much matter when he got up. He only wrote for a few small magazines or the occasional collections for local poets. He knew he could find better jobs but he didn’t really see much of a reason in making more. He never really had anyone to lavish with gifts or had any habits that needed to have excessive amounts of money thrown into them. All he really had was him and the bills he had to pay. To many, this would be a lonely, sad, life but it was all he knew. His whole life he loved being solitary; a few friends and the occasional time he’d go out to eat was enough for him, since crowds usually led to drama that he could deal without.
This fact of his life was even apparent where he lived. His house was slightly on a mountain, above a small town called Canterlot. It was the home town that he grew up in. Hell, he even went to high school with the current principal and vice principal. There were others he went to high school with but those two were his only “real friends”. He even remembers telling the freshmen that the stature outside the high school would take them to another world if they weren’t careful. That prank was one that was constantly re-hashed. No one even knows how or why it started but enough about that. It was actually because of something involving those women, or rather to one of them about the other, that Kaleb even got up in the first place. He began getting ready, thinking about the events that would happen today.
He was going to meet up with Principal Celestia at a local café that they always visited, it would be just the two of them since her sister, Vice Principal Luna, was away for a little while. He would take this opportunity to talk to his good friend and ask for her advice. He knew that now would be the only time for a while because after the day was done, Luna would be back and then the new school year would start. Kaleb had to talk to Celestia about this without Luna though and he was sure the clever Principal already knew why.
Since the three of them graduated, Kaleb began missing Luna, not just in a normal way though. He would miss the weirdest things about her, things that he would always hate about her. The biggest example he could think of was the fact that she overcomplicate an explanation when asked something and he would then have to cover her and simplify it; he despised doing such things usually, but these last years he would almost need to do them to feel calm. He knew that Celestia would have the answers to what he wanted to know, out of the three of them, she was always the one that was the best at solving personal problems.
As he turned off his shower a sharp crash snapped him out of his semi-meditary state as he jolted out of the bathroom and slipped on the hardwood floor of his room causing a rug to flip in the air and flop onto his nether regions. A groan scratched its way out of his throat, as his wounded ego gave him a mental face palm. He then lazily turned his head to the side to see his broken window and an assortment of its broken glass on the floor. He begrudgingly sat himself up before realizing that there wasn’t only glass in the pile in front of the door, but a crystal big enough to grasp lay amongst the shards.
Kaleb let out an exasperated sigh, got to his feet and replaced the rug as it was before. His steps then were cautious as he made his way to the mass of glass that rested before the window. He carefully placed the shards in his trash bin, before he picked up the crystal that was among them with great curiosity. It was then that he jumped up, remembering that he needed to finish getting ready if he wanted any hope of making it to the meeting place in time. He lightly tossed the gem onto his bed and commenced his morning rituals.
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Meanwhile, back in the equine universe, Luna, is greeted by her sister who has a rather somber expression on her face. Her interest piqued, the midnight blue alicorn silently trotted to her sister who then ushered her into an empty room, a bedchamber that, for years, had remained unused. The princess of the night looked into her sister’s eyes, steeling herself in front of her sister.
“Is something the matter, dear sister?” came Luna’s voice, her tone hushed but firm. “We didn’t expect to be greeted by thee at such an hour.”
“It’s about Sombra,” came the white alicorn’s reply. Her gaze pierced into the deep eyes of her younger sister as she continued, her voice little more than a breath. “and the crystal heart.”
Luna’s eyes grew wide as her dear elder sister recounted the events that transpired but mere hours earlier. Her very wings began shivering as Celestia described the strange, almost otherworldly, magic that the evil king seemed to have command over and, all at once, her mind raced to the memories of her alter ego created years back, Nightmare Moon.
“What of Twilight and the Elements?” she nearly spat in a fluster.
“My student is diligent as always. Even becoming a princess hasn’t stifled her sense of urgency; if anything, she’s become more quick to take action. She’s looking into all books of dark magic and ponytales.”
This calmed the majestic, blue alicorn a bit, not too much considering the circumstances, she knew if anypony could find even the slightest shred of a clue, it would be the new princess of magic, Twilight Sparkle. Still, this didn’t even begin to alleviate her more pressing worries, the princess of the Crystal Kingdome, Candice. She knew her sister had her worries as well but she was the essential face of the kingdom; she couldn’t check into a neighboring land with no word and Luna knew letting out the news of what happened wasn’t a possibility, even the name of King Sombra, the mad king, was one that was almost a taboo, almost as Discord’s was. Luna’s wings quickly shot open and with a glow from her horn the door to the balcony opened. Celestia looked into her eyes; she tried not to show her worry but her eyes betrayed her with an expression telling her sister to be care. Luna nodded her head, her eyes deadly serious. She took off as Celestia’s sun began getting ready to make its long trek across the sky.
Not wanting to worry anypony, Luna stayed in the sky. Her mind was racing and wracked with worry. She knew that if it really was as her elder sister said, then the power Sombra would have would be unfathomable. She knew this since the same thing basically happened to her as Nightmare Moon. Her repressed side finally broke through and all the things she was so ashamed of forced their way to her surface. She winced a bit remembering the pain and power of her raw emotions, a power that nopony, not even one as close to being a goddess as she, could comprehend. Her heart felt a slight prick of pain remembering the look that seemed to stain her sister’s face before she banished her. The tears had burned their tracks all down her face as the element of harmony glowed in her magical light. Then one last stream forced its way out as she closed her eyes and her magic petrified the elements to seal her away. She furiously shook her head at the mere thought of that moment as burning tears silently slid across her face.
“I hurt so many ponies.” Luna said, the pain in her voice causing it to waver before she shook her head. “No, I can’t dwell on that right now. I have to make sure that nothing like that ever happens again.”
Her newfound urgency boosted only further when the weather signified how close her destination was. Luna’s speed grew as the frost ridden wind’s tongue lapped and lashed at her, for she knew that the cold wouldn’t stop her. Her horn glowed a dark blue tint and her wings flapped with the beauty and speed of and bird of prey. Her eyes sharpened as she saw the one thing that she was waiting for, the barrier of the Crystal City, kept up by the princess herself, Candice, yet something seemed odd about the magic used with it this time. Luna hesitantly glided to the slightly dark tinted shield but only hovered in front of it as she heard a low hum. Luna gazed wearily at the energy that stood between her and her destination. She carefully placed a hoof upon the surface and the energy field crackled in response. Luna left her hoof there but the crackling was all that happened. After taking a deep breath and nodding in determination, the midnight blue princess passed through the field.
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A stream of steam rose from the cup of coffee that sat in front of a lightly smiling Kaleb while his friend, Celestia, a tall woman with light blue and teal hair sipped a mug of her own bitter brew. He couldn’t remember the last time that the two of them had sat there like this without her needing to worry about her job, even though there were more than likely many times they could have met up; this time, however, he had something that he knew he had to talk to her about. The professional, gentle looking woman gave a relaxed sigh as she sat her cup in front of her and looked at Kaleb with her soft, motherly eyes.
“So, what’s wrong, Kale?” she asked in a slightly playful, relaxed tone.
The question coaxed a slightly irritated sigh from his lips though his eyes held a light of joy at her nickname for him. Whenever they met, he knew she’d call address him with it, as a little, playful jab. The name surrounded a time in high school when he forgot his lunch and Celestia’s sister let him have some of her salad. The two of them ended up eating everything but the red kale, which Kaleb refused to eat, even though Luna kept pushing it in his face saying “it has your name on it.” This memory pushed the corners of his lips into a reminiscent smile, causing a smirk to appear on the friendly woman.
“Ah, I get it.” she began, her grin growing a bit. “You already miss little Luna, don’t you?”
This comment snapped Kaleb back to his present situation as his eyes took a new inquisitive glance at his friend’s teasing smile. His mouth contorted into a thinking frown.
“Well, to tell you the truth, yes.” Kaleb claimed bluntly. “As of late, I’ve been missing all the times Luna and I would spend together in high school.”
A thoughtful, soft smile inscribed the gentle visage of the woman in front of him as his thoughts went past his lips with a tone of confusion and slight sorrow.
“I don’t get it Celes, I used to dread having to do some of the very things that I’m beginning to long for.” Kaleb stated, his shaking slightly as his hands tightly gripped the mug in front of him. “I mean, this small time that she’s been away, I already miss arguing with her about going somewhere to eat or having to explain to others her reply to them.”
The brown haired man just let out an exasperated sigh as he brought his black liquid, now warm thanks to time, to meet his dazed lips. Celestia chuckled at his puzzlement and took a sip of her own to clear her throat. She looked into Kaleb’s addled eyes and gave a warm smile to soothe the storm no doubt plaguing his muddled mind.
“Kaleb,” she began, her cooling voice drawing his eyes to hers. “I think I know what’s going on, but it’s not my place to do anything.” His puzzled look only drew more warmth from her eyes as she continued. “You need to talk to Luna about this. She will understand and, I’m sure, you will too.”
Kaled looked down slightly from his loving friend’s eyes and drew an exasperated sigh before closing his eyes. This action on its own brought out a chuckle from the principal’s lips.
“Also, Kale, on an unrelated note, my sister doesn’t really like jewelry. She more likes the gems, as long as they’re ‘mysterious’ anyway.”
That brought out more confusion from the man’s eyes but also a spark of something else. His face softened a bit and he snapped his fingers.
“Oh yea, Celes, have you seen this before?” Kaleb asked producing the crystal from that afternoon from his pocket. It began to give a faint blue glow as he did so. “Someone threw this through my window and thought you might know who.”
His voice was calm as he noticed the faint glow of the gem. Celestia’s face, however, was the one the one flooded with confusion, this time. She lightly accepted the gem from Keleb’s palm and it began to glow a different color. She squinted her eyes for a moment before handing it back to Kaleb, shaking her head with a sigh.
“Nope,” she began, looking into Kaleb’s eyes with a serious look. “I mean, it’s mysterious, but that’s all I can tell you. I don’t even know where someone would get something like that.”
Kaleb put the gem in his pocket once more and Celestia laughed a little.
“I’ll say one thing though; it kind of reminds me of you.”
Kaleb’s eyebrow raised a bit at this remark as she giggled and took another sip from her coffee.
“I mean, the way it changed from you to me reminds me of how different you act to different people. There’s also the fact that I’m sure not many people have seen it.” Her chuckling, light purple, eyes peered into his. “You don’t really come out that much. A lot of the students began saying you are the student the statue took to a different world because your name’s about the only thing most know of you.”
That last part made Kaleb laugh a bit as he got up from the table. Celestia followed suit and gave him a quick goodbye and a hug before leaving the door to the small diner. Kaleb waited a moment, thinking about what his friend said before he too exited the familiar eatery.
The sky above grew grey as Kaleb exited the small diner and stifled a small yawn. His talk with the ever helpful principal went about as well as he thought it would. Her answers were a bit vague yet simple at the same time which caused him to scratch his head as he began to walk away from the small, usual gathering place. His hand then tucked itself away in the pocket of his green cargo pants and he sighed a bit as he withdrew the crystal from earlier this afternoon from his pocket.
“She said that I should talk to Luna herself about this huh?” he flatly stated, looking into the weird gen that he held in his hand. “Well, I guess Tia would know best. Still, she could have given me some help in putting this stuff together.”
Kaleb sighed as he looked into the crystal, his mind even more puzzled that it was when he awoke. The crackling of the sky above him raised his eyebrow a bit. As far as he knew, there wasn’t supposed to be a storm that evening but if there was, it wouldn’t surprise him. The thing that did was the fact that there wasn’t even a bit of rain coming down. His eyes began drifting to the skies above him before the crystal in his began to light up. His eyes peered into the gleaming gemstone resting against his palm to behold green and red eyes staring at him and a mocking, cynical grin that seemed to laugh at his very existence.
Kaleb could feel a bead of sweat clinging to his forehead as he witnessed the haunting sight that the crystal seemed to permeate before him. He swallowed hard as a bone chilling cackle cracked through the air and echoed into the very depths of his soul. His mind seemed to race with panic as a gravelly voice snaked its way into his mind.
“Ah, yes, the time is coming! Soon, my prison will fall and my subjects will once more bow before me and give me their power!”
Kaleb couldn’t even move as the voice once more broke into its hideous laugh, chilling the very bones of the man that held the crystal. He could feel heat radiate off the strange jewel that now glared a horrendous black tint. Soon the heat rose with the roar of the crackling voice’s cackle. Kaleb shot open his mouth to scream at the searing pain that traveled quickly up his arm and through his body, only to be met with burning air rushing from his throat. His brown eyes peered and pleaded to the grim sky above him that whatever deity was up there would help him and free him from this hell he was experiencing. It was then that one section of the desolate clouds parted and that the figure of what looked like a small group of stars and night sky resembling a small horse with a horn and wings gazed at him with a dull, beautiful light. It was then that the world around him began to grow black and his body began to feel weightless, as if he was becoming part of the night itself, but the burning was gone. A single tear rolled down his cheek in thanks before everything faded.
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Luna galloped through the crystal city, looking on in horror at the scene in front of her eyes. Everywhere she looked she saw black crystals piercing the ground and buildings, shaping it into a twisted vision of despair and madness. The crystal ponies were screaming in terror as the jewel spikes made their way toward them, petrifying them in black sculptures of fear as it touched them. The sight before her was worse than any pony could have imagined; a scene that would be straight from the nightmares of even Nightmare Moon.
Luna’s hooves beat the ground to match her racing heart as she sped to the castle of the crystal city. Her fears beginning to grasp hungrily at her throat with each scream that pierced the air all across the crystal city. Her eyes pleadingly darted from one statue to the other along her path, hoping against hope that her beloved family member, Candace was unharmed.
As she got to the grounds of the palace itself she saw that they were littered with statues of the princess’ guard, their determined looks to save their beloved crystal princess forever etched into their faces. The sight of this alone did not bode well for the princess herself. Luna pressed on, her wings swiftly bringing her to her destination. Throughout the halls there was nothing but the lonely isolation of the black crystal that was choking the life out of the once vibrant castle until the throne room was right there before her, blocked by the now black crystalline door. With a smash she broke through the demented obstacle and cast her eyes on the one thing she did not wish to see, before her was the scene of a fallen princess being protected by her head guard, and husband, forever trapped in unloving, unmoving, crystal. Tears built up in the eyes of the princess of the night as she mourned the scene of utter sadness that laid before her, a symbol, to her, of her weakness.
Her mourning was cut short, however, by a sickening cackle, one that would chill Celestia’s sun to nothing but a sock of ice. Her eyes shot to the source and widened at a sight she never thought possible, before her stood a unicorn with a jet black coat and a red horn clad in dark grey armor and a new pure black royal cape, his green and red eyes fixated on a glowing Crystal Heart that was slowly turning black and emitting an ear splitting scream. The sound from the Crystal heart caused Luna to wince as she tried to wrap her head around how it was screaming before her horn emitted a glow of blue that stopped the black pony from continuing his menacing laughter. A stream of concentrated magic then shot from her horn to the crystal heart, shattering it to pieces and silencing the screams. The jet black stallion then turned to her, his green and red eyes emanating pure rage toward the princess before him.
“You dare stand in the way of King Sombra?” the stallion shouted in a thunderous voice, his horn giving a menacing black glow.
Princess Luna had no verbal response for him, just a look of anger at the fallen king that took away precious family as well as betrayed his ponies. Her horn began glowing it’s dim, blue glow as she began to channel more magic. The sight of the serious looking mare before him drove the fallen king into a fit of fiendish laughter as a spiraling black stream of magic shot from his crimson horn. The princess kept her concentration despite the slight tinge of fear that racked her mind because of the mass of anger boiling up inside of her. Just before the beam stuck the mare of the night, a flash erupted in front of her, swallowing up the stream of dark power as it fizzled out of existence. Sombra slammed his eyes shut and Luna held a wing in front of hers as the light reached its concentrated peak.
When the light began to fade, the sight of hooves could be seen on the floor of the place before Luna. She put her wings back and felt a surge of power surge into her horn’s magic, causing cracks of magical lightning to cut through the air immediately in front of it. With a bewildered look her eyes fell on a pegasus before her with light brown fur and a messy dark brown mane. His eyes her closed but his hooves were firmly on the ground, his wing tightly tucked into his sides. A cry of frustration broke her back into reality, however, as she snapped to an aggravated King Sombra. Sharpening her eyes, and her boosted magic, on the dark king in front of her, a bolt of pure white magic surged from her horn and cut its way to a bemused, demented Sombra.
A scream of frustration and pain rang throughout the room as a flash enveloped the field of vision. The cracking of magical electricity and the shattering of crystal made a chorus of destruction that rang through the area until a giant shatter tore through the throne room and the harsh, magical light began to die and fade off, revealing a destroyed throne room, a completely destroyed wall, a worn out Candice and Shining Armor, leaning on each other, breathing heavily, and a passed out Pegasus with a light brown coat and a messy dark brown mane.
When I saw the cover art, I immediately thought "kingdom hearts". When I read the description, I was slightly disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I like what you're going to write about and I can't wait to read it, but the cover art was slightly misleading. Just wanted to let you know.
I like it, but here are my problems:
1. get an editor. There were several grammatical mistakes I saw while I was reading.
2. The changing of "tense". At the beginning of each section. You started off telling us what was going on exactly as it was going on. You then switched to third person for the entirety of the section. This could've worked just for an intro to the story as a one time thing, but here, it feels overused.
3. Kaleb's interaction with principle celestia. First off, you told us that he left the crystal on his bed, but there was no indication that he took it with him until after the fact. It also would've been better to see their conversation. If kaleb brought it up to celestia, what did she have to say about it exactly? What did they talk about in general?
4. Why did the crystal go crashing through kaleb's window? Did someone throw it? If so, why? You have to explain these kinds of things to your readers, even if your main characters don't know what's going on. Did it come from equestria and crash land in his window? If so, why?
Overal though, good story and I can't wait to read more. :)
3424780
you mean Pony Hearts ;D
heh xp
so far this story got me intrested @w@
3425109
Thank you, my friend. I'm glad it's receiving positive feedback.
3424860
First, I shall address the cover art thing.
Maybe that's why I reacted mentally to it the way Rainbow Dash did when she was told by Spitfire that she was a leader in the Wonderbolt Academy episode? Still, I decided to use it because of the following reasons:
1. The serene scene being ruined by the dark crystals and King Sombra, to me, depicts what's happening in my opening chapter, and with his eyes on the crystal heart I thought it would draw the focus on the subjects of interest in the story.
2. There are stained glass images all over the castle in Canterlot and maybe even in the Crystal Castle. The stained glass windows always seem to depict important moments in the history of Equestria. That being said, I felt it'd be cool to use it as the over art of the story.
Still, I appreciate the input on it, I honestly didn't think of that until you mentioned it.
Now, I'll address the other points that were brought up:
1. I'm looking for an editor and hope that one person in particular can help me out in that area. I know one person that usually edits some of my writing but he's not really part of the herd, you know? I don't know if he'd be comfortable editing brony fan fiction
2.If you wouldn't mind, could you point out what you mean and what part? I'd love to fix it but that's one area I apparently always struggle with.
3.That's a fair point. Maybe I should include it. Do you think it would work to include it in later or should I add that in now? The crystal coming through the glass was supposed to be one of those things that would get people asking those kinds of questions until it is revealed, much like many authors have done in the past. The conversation was supposed to be about him asking Celestia why he was feeling this way and what he should do.
4. darn it, put it in the wrong place, oh well. Those questions are ones that are meant to be asked by the reader. Many writers throughout the history of the literary world have used similar "hooks" to keep the attention of the reader focused through the story, even if it's in the back of their mind, somewhere. Did I overdo it with that though ? The fact that it was from Equestria was meant to be established when the eyes and smile of King Sombra were peering at him through the crystal.
Thank you very much for your words and notes on the story. I love hearing the ways that I can make writings of mine better so your words are highly appreciated! I hope you stick around for more of the story and look forward to more of your guidance in that matter. Thank very much the the bottom of my heart.
3425854 What I meant by "tense" was past tense, present tense, and future tense. A lot of stories are written in the past tense, for example(and this is just something I made up on the spot, don't judge me):
"Twilight kept her concentration as she guarded and dodged every one of Trixie's attacks. Where the blue bolts of magic landed, they created deep craters and scars in the dirt."
Twilight 'kept' as opposed to 'keeps', 'guarded' instead of 'guards', 'dodged' instead of 'dodges'. This are simple examples of the difference between past and present 'tense'. As for 'sections', I meant whenever you switched between the worlds, like when you switched from Equestria to the human world. Each of these sections started off with present tense for a paragraph and then continued in past tense.
3. Yes, I'd definitely write it in before too many people read the first chapter. It adds length (which always looks more impressive in a story ) and it is an opportunity for some character development. Make sure that you write a blog post and, at the end of it, tag it to this story with the checkboxes so that people who have already read the chapter will know what's been added. Maybe explore the mannerisms that Kaleb uses when in conversation or how he reacts to certain bits of news, be it bad or good. That's a good way to develop his personallity. It's also a good way to develop Principal Celestia's character past the little that they gave us from the show. Part of writing solid fanfiction is taking the characters that are already provided and developing them in your own way that makes sense to fans of the show. Take Sora from the Kingdom Hearts series. He's a little bit reckless, but he relies on his friends and his heart to help him overcome challenges. Though many games, he states that his friends are his power. With several of the KH/Pony fanfics I've read, people tend to develop that bit quite a lot because it's one of his strong traits and because Equestria is a land of friendship, a place where that power from friends could be at its greatest. But I'm getting off topic. We're focused on Kaleb's character. It could work to include the conversation later, but only if Kaleb encounters an event that would make their conversation relevant. For example, if Celestia warned him about needing friends that he could trust in to help him through tough times, then bring up the conversation when he would need to trust Twilight or one of the others to overcome an obsticle.
4. I wouldn't say, "overdid it," more like "expected too much out of us"(i'm sorry if that sounds negative, it's not meant to be). It felt like you expected us just to accept the fact that, "hey, a crystal crashed through his window" without explaining it. while writing my previous comment, I was thinking about mentioning the point about later explaining it. I think that could've been handled better by giving us a hint as to what the reason for sending it could've been. Even a minor one would do.
3425998
Hm...the tense thing is something that I always struggle with. Whenever I write something my friend that usually edits it will constantly tell me this over and over. I don't really get why I have this problem though, I just kinda write the scenes in my head.
I will immediately start working on the conversation with principal Celestia. I think I'll add it in before he walks out of the meeting place. I'll also develop the reasoning of the crystal, though part of me wanted to go into why at a later time, I guess I should have gone into it a bit huh? Thank you for pointing out these things and giving me the ability to work on them. I'll also do what you said about the blog (I'll also need to resend the copy to the one on here editing it for me after I add those things and explain this ) Thank you ery much!
3426490
No problem. I can't wait for the next chapter. Just remember, if you want to go into the explanation of the crystal in greater detail later, then only hint at why it came through the window. Don't go too much into it, that way you can explain it in greater detail later on.
3426989
Yep. Just added that part in as well as the talk with the principal.
Also just sent it newly done one to the one editing it. Now to make the blog entry to explain said changes.
Very nice, I like what I've read so far, Please keep up the work my friend
(Sorry it took me so long to read this, Work's been getting me down so I've not had any spare time, But now that I've had time to read it, I very much like it.)
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read it. Make sure not to work yourself too hard, okay? Also, That image is pretty funny (can't see the other one though)
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
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Honestly, I never thought about it. The way that it says you update it confuses me a bit though. I'll think about it but I also don't have an account on Equestria Daily.
I don't exactly have much time to be throwing reviews around today, but I suppose I can help you with it since you were kind enough to leave one for me. I'm not going to use the form from the group, so try and bear with me as I go into proofreader mode on my own.
This is focusing mostly on the structure up to the first section break.
Starting off, I can tell you that your sentence structure is bloated and hard to read. There are a lot of unnecessary words dragging your sentences down and making the story confusing to follow along with. A good rule to follow with this is that less is more; you can tell a much better story with quick, concise sentences. I'll try to give you a couple of examples.
That sentence has a lot of clutter in it. "The pony before them" was unnecessary because we already know that he was in front of them; you really don't need to tell us again. "Cut into" could be shortened to "spread" or "played". It could also be reworded to read through a lot easier.
If you can find a way to make the sentence shorter and still convey the same meaning, do it. It will be much easier on the reader and make for a much better experience.
Here's another example of a sentence that needs some major reworking:
There's a lot of unneeded information here too: "that was taken", "the figure", "these words", and even "crystal" could all be cut out of this sentence. This could almost be three separate sentences too. Watch where you put your "and"; situations like this one might look okay just skimming over it, but you want to separate it to make it clear and concise. Also, I'm not getting why it sickened her. Was it the noise itself, or his action and their implications?
To me, that reads through much smoother and would help the story tremendously. Remember, periods are your friends.
There was a tense swap when you said he enters at the beginning, and your dialogue feels a bit weird in places. You used a version of "glow" three times within seven words, which is usually a pretty big no-no. I think the main thing you want to focus on right now is the sentence structure, though. That is really the one thing that will help you more than anything right now.
I apologize, but that's all the help I can give you for the time being. Hope it helps.