• Member Since 9th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen April 26th

TheGreatPandaKing


Hi! I’m just a writer that loves MLP. It helped me out a lot when I was in a dark place. I hope you all enjoy my stories and don’t be afraid to offer me ways I could be better.

T
Source

Come on an adventure in the world of Equestria with a new pony that shows up after an event as a human flung him into a critical situation between all that is good and a power hungry King Sombra that has been blessed with even more power than many could dream of. The pony, Kaleb Brown, has also been blessed with the ability to magnify magical powers of whom her chooses as the new incarnation of the shattered Crystal Heart. With this gift, however, comes easy corruption. He can feed of the personalities of ponies around him and is very sensitive to them, just as he was when he was a human. As a human he was a quintessential social outcast, only having a few friends to which he shared a bond. Will he finally find the true treasure known as friendship? Will he and a mare that know loneliness and sorrow discover something more valuable? Or will he become a tool and vessel for a power hungry fallen king?

There are a lot of people that I need to thank right off the bat.
Thank you, Neo Draco, for allowing me to use your amazing character Midnight Snow, who I will be sure to use. Thank you Valentine-crin, for allowing me to use your character, Click, who will also be a pivotal character in the story. Thank you to Akili-Amethyst on deviant art for allowing me to use amazing art for my cover art. Thank you Lauren Faust and Hasbro for creating such an amazing show. Thank you all of you who took the time to read this and give me constrictive criticism.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 40 )

When I saw the cover art, I immediately thought "kingdom hearts". When I read the description, I was slightly disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I like what you're going to write about and I can't wait to read it, but the cover art was slightly misleading. Just wanted to let you know.

I like it, but here are my problems:
1. get an editor. There were several grammatical mistakes I saw while I was reading.
2. The changing of "tense". At the beginning of each section. You started off telling us what was going on exactly as it was going on. You then switched to third person for the entirety of the section. This could've worked just for an intro to the story as a one time thing, but here, it feels overused.
3. Kaleb's interaction with principle celestia. First off, you told us that he left the crystal on his bed, but there was no indication that he took it with him until after the fact. It also would've been better to see their conversation. If kaleb brought it up to celestia, what did she have to say about it exactly? What did they talk about in general?
4. Why did the crystal go crashing through kaleb's window? Did someone throw it? If so, why? You have to explain these kinds of things to your readers, even if your main characters don't know what's going on. Did it come from equestria and crash land in his window? If so, why?
Overal though, good story and I can't wait to read more. :)

3425109
Thank you, my friend. I'm glad it's receiving positive feedback.
3424860
First, I shall address the cover art thing.
Maybe that's why I reacted mentally to it the way Rainbow Dash did when she was told by Spitfire that she was a leader in the Wonderbolt Academy episode? Still, I decided to use it because of the following reasons:
1. The serene scene being ruined by the dark crystals and King Sombra, to me, depicts what's happening in my opening chapter, and with his eyes on the crystal heart I thought it would draw the focus on the subjects of interest in the story.
2. There are stained glass images all over the castle in Canterlot and maybe even in the Crystal Castle. The stained glass windows always seem to depict important moments in the history of Equestria. That being said, I felt it'd be cool to use it as the over art of the story.
Still, I appreciate the input on it, I honestly didn't think of that until you mentioned it. :facehoof:
Now, I'll address the other points that were brought up:
1. I'm looking for an editor and hope that one person in particular can help me out in that area. I know one person that usually edits some of my writing but he's not really part of the herd, you know? I don't know if he'd be comfortable editing brony fan fiction :twilightsheepish:
2.If you wouldn't mind, could you point out what you mean and what part? I'd love to fix it but that's one area I apparently always struggle with.
3.That's a fair point. Maybe I should include it. Do you think it would work to include it in later or should I add that in now? The crystal coming through the glass was supposed to be one of those things that would get people asking those kinds of questions until it is revealed, much like many authors have done in the past. The conversation was supposed to be about him asking Celestia why he was feeling this way and what he should do.
4. darn it, put it in the wrong place, oh well. Those questions are ones that are meant to be asked by the reader. Many writers throughout the history of the literary world have used similar "hooks" to keep the attention of the reader focused through the story, even if it's in the back of their mind, somewhere. Did I overdo it with that though ? :twilightsheepish::facehoof: The fact that it was from Equestria was meant to be established when the eyes and smile of King Sombra were peering at him through the crystal.
Thank you very much for your words and notes on the story. :pinkiehappy: I love hearing the ways that I can make writings of mine better so your words are highly appreciated! I hope you stick around for more of the story and look forward to more of your guidance in that matter. Thank very much the the bottom of my heart.

3425854 What I meant by "tense" was past tense, present tense, and future tense. A lot of stories are written in the past tense, for example(and this is just something I made up on the spot, don't judge me):
"Twilight kept her concentration as she guarded and dodged every one of Trixie's attacks. Where the blue bolts of magic landed, they created deep craters and scars in the dirt."
Twilight 'kept' as opposed to 'keeps', 'guarded' instead of 'guards', 'dodged' instead of 'dodges'. This are simple examples of the difference between past and present 'tense'. As for 'sections', I meant whenever you switched between the worlds, like when you switched from Equestria to the human world. Each of these sections started off with present tense for a paragraph and then continued in past tense.
3. Yes, I'd definitely write it in before too many people read the first chapter. It adds length (which always looks more impressive in a story :raritywink:) and it is an opportunity for some character development. Make sure that you write a blog post and, at the end of it, tag it to this story with the checkboxes so that people who have already read the chapter will know what's been added. Maybe explore the mannerisms that Kaleb uses when in conversation or how he reacts to certain bits of news, be it bad or good. That's a good way to develop his personallity. It's also a good way to develop Principal Celestia's character past the little that they gave us from the show. Part of writing solid fanfiction is taking the characters that are already provided and developing them in your own way that makes sense to fans of the show. Take Sora from the Kingdom Hearts series. He's a little bit reckless, but he relies on his friends and his heart to help him overcome challenges. Though many games, he states that his friends are his power. With several of the KH/Pony fanfics I've read, people tend to develop that bit quite a lot because it's one of his strong traits and because Equestria is a land of friendship, a place where that power from friends could be at its greatest. But I'm getting off topic. We're focused on Kaleb's character. It could work to include the conversation later, but only if Kaleb encounters an event that would make their conversation relevant. For example, if Celestia warned him about needing friends that he could trust in to help him through tough times, then bring up the conversation when he would need to trust Twilight or one of the others to overcome an obsticle.
4. I wouldn't say, "overdid it," more like "expected too much out of us"(i'm sorry if that sounds negative, it's not meant to be:twilightsheepish:). It felt like you expected us just to accept the fact that, "hey, a crystal crashed through his window" without explaining it. while writing my previous comment, I was thinking about mentioning the point about later explaining it. I think that could've been handled better by giving us a hint as to what the reason for sending it could've been. Even a minor one would do.

3425998
Hm...the tense thing is something that I always struggle with. Whenever I write something my friend that usually edits it will constantly tell me this over and over. I don't really get why I have this problem though, I just kinda write the scenes in my head. :twilightsheepish:
I will immediately start working on the conversation with principal Celestia. I think I'll add it in before he walks out of the meeting place. I'll also develop the reasoning of the crystal, though part of me wanted to go into why at a later time, I guess I should have gone into it a bit huh? :facehoof: Thank you for pointing out these things and giving me the ability to work on them. I'll also do what you said about the blog (I'll also need to resend the copy to the one on here editing it for me after I add those things and explain this :twilightsheepish:) Thank you ery much! :pinkiehappy::yay:

3426490
No problem. I can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy: Just remember, if you want to go into the explanation of the crystal in greater detail later, then only hint at why it came through the window. Don't go too much into it, that way you can explain it in greater detail later on.

3426989
Yep. Just added that part in as well as the talk with the principal. :pinkiehappy:
Also just sent it newly done one to the one editing it. :applejackconfused: Now to make the blog entry to explain said changes. :twilightsheepish:

Very nice, I like what I've read so far, Please keep up the work my friend :pinkiehappy:


(Sorry it took me so long to read this, Work's been getting me down so I've not had any spare time, But now that I've had time to read it, I very much like it.)

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3430372
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it. :raritystarry: Make sure not to work yourself too hard, okay?:twilightsheepish: Also, That image is pretty funny (can't see the other one though):rainbowlaugh:

Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

3433904
Honestly, I never thought about it. :twilightsheepish: The way that it says you update it confuses me a bit though.:fluttershysad: I'll think about it but I also don't have an account on Equestria Daily. :twilightsheepish:

.......She's preggers...again.....the ideas........O.x.....dude..>wx....who knew other ponies could clearly influence what happens next xp

Anywho loved the story ;D.....LUNA's GOT A CRUSH :D

4053776
Well, if you're going for a flower theme, there's Persimmon or Aster which are summer flowers, Malus which is the scientific name for an apple blossom, I think Cosmos would be good for a possible double meaning. Any of those work?

4059721
Well, shoot me a PM if you want more names. BTW are you not doing any more Click stories?

4059857 I was messing around I got some written I got one off to the side where its an alt verse anthro....Click as a journalist

I don't exactly have much time to be throwing reviews around today, but I suppose I can help you with it since you were kind enough to leave one for me. I'm not going to use the form from the group, so try and bear with me as I go into proofreader mode on my own.

This is focusing mostly on the structure up to the first section break.

Starting off, I can tell you that your sentence structure is bloated and hard to read. There are a lot of unnecessary words dragging your sentences down and making the story confusing to follow along with. A good rule to follow with this is that less is more; you can tell a much better story with quick, concise sentences. I'll try to give you a couple of examples.

The pony before them had a sickening green glow emanating from his eyes and a twisted grin cut into his face.

That sentence has a lot of clutter in it. "The pony before them" was unnecessary because we already know that he was in front of them; you really don't need to tell us again. "Cut into" could be shortened to "spread" or "played". It could also be reworded to read through a lot easier.

A sickening green glow emanated from his eyes as a twisted grin spread across his face.

If you can find a way to make the sentence shorter and still convey the same meaning, do it. It will be much easier on the reader and make for a much better experience.

Here's another example of a sentence that needs some major reworking:

Once the figure spoke these words it slightly shifted a hoof and the princess watched helplessly as the crystal shard that was taken slid into the pond with a plop that almost sickened her.

There's a lot of unneeded information here too: "that was taken", "the figure", "these words", and even "crystal" could all be cut out of this sentence. This could almost be three separate sentences too. Watch where you put your "and"; situations like this one might look okay just skimming over it, but you want to separate it to make it clear and concise. Also, I'm not getting why it sickened her. Was it the noise itself, or his action and their implications?

Once he was done speaking he shifted his hoof quickly. The princess watched helplessly as the shard slid into the pond behind him.

To me, that reads through much smoother and would help the story tremendously. Remember, periods are your friends.

There was a tense swap when you said he enters at the beginning, and your dialogue feels a bit weird in places. You used a version of "glow" three times within seven words, which is usually a pretty big no-no. I think the main thing you want to focus on right now is the sentence structure, though. That is really the one thing that will help you more than anything right now.

I apologize, but that's all the help I can give you for the time being. Hope it helps.:raritywink:

4124109 Huzzah! Thank you very much for this! I really appreciate the help. :pinkiehappy: The person I was hoping would proofread and help me edit kinda dropped out. :pinkiesad2: Anyway, I truly appreciate the help and I was very happy to read your stuff. You have a very good style to your writing and I can't wait to read more of them! (I won't pull out the whole obligation thing next time. I felt kinda wrong doing that. Like I was twisting your arm.:pinkiesad2:)

4124256
Don't worry a out it, man. If you wanted me to take a look at it, all you have to do is ask. I can't promise to be a full-time editor/proofreader, but I help where I can.:twilightsmile:

4124347 I'd really appreciate it! :pinkiehappy: As far as I'm concerned, I'd owe you a lot too! Any help you can give is more than any I have now, besides the few ones on grammar I get. :rainbowlaugh:

the mane is brown and orange xp and half of his foreleg is orange. x3......Silly Ditzy...

Okay. We've really gotta work on some sort of signal for those transitions. Something to indicate that we're moving from present to some past vision. It's a little jarring. Aside from that, a nice chapter. Everything had a decent fluid pace to it. A little rough but you're getting there. To be honest, it took me twelve years of near constant writing, literature and composition courses, and lots of reading to get to the point that I'm at today. Keep it up. Practice makes perfect.

Now, I wonder when we're going to see my Midnight.

4453294 Soon, I assure you. Thanks a lot for the feedback. I know there's a lot I have to work on but, for now, I can only rely on critiques, trial and error. I don't have the money for college classes.
4450802 I'll edit that right away! Glad you're liking it, my friend. :pinkiehappy:
edit: Fixed it! :rainbowwild:

4453679
To be perfectly honest, the Lit and Comp courses didn't teach me much more than what I already knew. It was mostly the reading and the practice.:eeyup:

4454696 And I do that enough now. I mostly rely on the wonderful people that give me honest critique. Thank you and I hope you continue to give me feedback.

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