The small pebbles on the dusty road crushed under the hooves of the six wielders of the elements of Harmony. This quest had forced the ponies to bring their elements. Celestia had insisted upon it.
The burning sun shone overhead, making everypony sweat. It was so hot, you could almost see the heat by gazing ahead. Even Pinkie Pie remained silent, she had stopped bouncing 5 hours ago, for her legs were getting rather tired after 2 days of endless "bouncing". Celestia had told them not to take train, in case the dark magic flipped it or did something unpredictable.
"Can we take a break?" Rarity moaned,"My hooves hurt!"
"No," Twilight said," Princess Celestia said it was imperative that we get there by this afternoon!"
"Do we even know where we are going?" Rainbow Dash sighed, remembering Celestia just telling them the general direction of the dark magic source. "She said Eastern Equestria! That could be anywhere EAST!"
"Guys," Fluttershy whispered,"I see a creepy cave..." Nopony paid her any mind, everypony was too tired to even care. "Um...Guys."
"Oh look there it is! The cave!" Applejack smiled,"Finally! No more walking!"
"Great job Applejack! Good Eye! Now we can rest" Twilight stated, obviously happy for any excuse to welcome the break."Oh! Is there something you needed Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy shook her head,"Nothing." Everypony pulled out a blanket from their saddle bags and lie it in the grass, just outside the mouth of the cave. Rarity feel fast asleep, her belly contracting and inflating with each breath. Rainbow Dash did some wing stretches, while Twilight went over their mission plan. Fluttershy was taking a light nap, and Pinkie Pie was working with Applejack to make food and refreshments for everypony with the little food they brought.
Rainbow Dash lie on a cloud, yawning,"This mission doesn't seem very dangerous. It's more like a field trip actually. Nothing I can't handle."
Twilight tolled her eyes, knowing this was just an act to make her look cooler than everypony else. Twilight looked up at the sky, where clouds were spread out like lost sheep. Celestia's last minute meeting had ruined today's to-do list. Today she was going to rearrange the library. The only thing she could do without throwing off the schedule for the rest of the month was to get Spike to do it, which she was very reluctant to do, but it was her only choice.
Rainbow Dash's ears perked up. She thought she had heard a noise. Like thunder, which was impossible, since it was so nice outside. Rainbow surveyed the area, quite confused. She just shook her head, thinking her mind was playing tricks on her. She looked down upon her other pony friends, to see their confused expressions.
"Um... Guys? Did you hear something?" Rainbow Dash asked worriedly.
"You certainly did." Said a familiar voice, in a very evil tone.
"Who's there?" Twilight asked, trying to sound brave. Fluttershy hid behind a bush with Rarity. Applejack and Pinky picked up some frying pans to use as weapons.
A giant red and navy blue tornado whipped up a storm as thunder and lightning cracked around it. The strange thing was the storm was only in one spot in this peaceful environment. The tornado kept swirling round and round, with no signs of stopping. Fluttershy shivered underneath the bush, as Rarity shielded her. The tornado was swirling so fast, it was threatening to tug ever pony of the ground. Their manes where standing up from all the electricity. Fluttershy and Rarity's eyes where squeezed shut, as they clung to
"Show yourself dark magic!" Twilight yelled as the tornado spun faster.
"As you wish." said a familiar voice. The tornado came to a halt and two ponies appeared, none other than Sunset Shimmer and Trixie. They stood there grinning, as the navy blue magic swirled around them. The thunder stopped, and Lightning Dust deseded from the sky to stand with the other two.
"What?" Twilight gasped,"What are you ponies doing here? What is the meaning of this? A prank?"
Sunset Shimmer laughed," Oh, this is much more than a prank. This is revenge. For everything you ponies have done to ruin our lives!" The magic whipped stronger, as her voice stirred with pure anger.
"You stole our lives from us," Lightning Dust cried out in the horrified Rainbow Dash's direction,"Now its our turn to take yours!" With that the magic storm swirled up into the sky, becoming a pitch black storm cloud, the nastiest one could ever imagine and slashed out at the helpless Fluttershy. The magic storm burned the bush to ashes, reveling the petrified Fluttershy.
"Now we take one of your worthless friends!" Trixie laughed,"Now I may say goodbye to all my humiliation."
Time seemed to slow down as a dark lightning bolt lashed out at Fluttershy, who was so terrified she couldn't move. Rarity cried out, and jumped up, the Lightning bolt hitting her square in the stomach. She flew back, her body frail and limp. Then there was the horrifying moment when before she hit the ground, her body was ashes. Her element of Harmony clinked to the ground.
Everypony was dead silent. Nopony moved. Nopony spoke. Nopony breathed. Tears welled up in Fluttershy's eyes, and she burst into tears. A huge grin came across the three enemies faces.
"What have you done?" Applejack cried out.
"Our magic is more powerful than we thought." Sunset Shimmer laughed,"Now you cannot defeat us with the Elements of Harmony! You are all powerless!"
Fluttershy's face seemed to darken,"What did you do to Rarity."
Fluttershy got no answer.
"I said," Fluttershy whispered,"WHAT DID YOU DO TO RARITY?"
Pinky Pie trotted over to Fluttershy,"She's gone... They killed her."
Trixie laughed,"I would pay anything to see the look on Celestia's face when she finds out." Applejack and Pinky Pie nodded at each other. Then, they galloped as fast as they could to the three villains.
"YOU FOOLS!" Sunset Shimmer yelled, casting a spell on them. The two brave ones were frozen in time. They just stood there helpless. "Anypony else?"
Rainbow Dash didn't know what to do. She always claimed that she was brave, but on the inside, she was just a normal pony, longing for a strong reputation. She had to do something. But what could she do without them using their evil magic to do something terrible. Was her fate the same as Rarity's?
She had to do something.
"Now for you Twilight Sparkle," Sunset Shimmer started, the look on her face saying she's been waiting for this moment. "A very special spell for you." Sunset Shimmer took control of the dark cloud through unicorn magic, and sent a blast of it to Twilight. The magic hit her, but all that happened was Twilight became a very dark purple, almost black.
"What have you done?" Twilight croaked. Pain flew through her body. She felt very sick, poisoned. She wheezed, and threw up. She collapsed onto the ground from all the pain. All three of the evil villains looked down onto Twilight's misery. Now is the time. Rainbow thought.
Rainbow Dash flew down using all of the speed she had. She scooped up Rarity's Element, and threw it into her saddle bag. Then, in a flash of rainbow, she flew by AJ and Pinky pulling of their Elements and throwing them into a her bag. She pulled of Twilight's, and flew by a stunned Fluttershy, who simply handed her The Element of Kindness. Rainbow Dash didn't know why she needed the elements, but she knew she didn't want Lightnign Dust and her gang to have them.
"You can fly away, but you cannot hide Rainbow Dash!" Lightning Dust yelled after her, as Rainbow Dash created a Sonic Rainboom at her great speed.
*clap clap clap* good starter but no more rarity
p.s. i could not bare her ascent
AJ:
Me: WHAT?
This could definitely be something interesting, but there are quite a number of things that need to be fine-tuned and possibly even re-written.
In some stories, a quick jump into the action is plausible. You make it so, but the explanation is hurled at us so quickly that it loses all of it's momentum and power. Spend a little more time building up the action by describing the scenery and state of the ponies before you dive into it. What you really want to avoid in a situation like this is explaining everything in one sentence and just moving on, which is what you do:
POW! I have whiplash from being hit by that plot point! Slow it down, maybe have it be pieced together from dialogue or thoughts.
Most of the dialogue is in character, but some of it is extremely boring and unnecessary. Skip the part about Pinkie and AJ making food, the audience doesn't really care. The only other anomaly that I can see is this tidbit:
Yes. Rainbow Dash likes to be cool. But saying the very word 'cool' is what completely destroys it for the scene. Try something else, like 'exciting' there.
Then we have the big reveal. All the ponies who have been embarrassed or smote by the mane six descend from an inexplicably colorful insta-tornado. I'm sure this sounded good in your head, and maybe even looked good in your imagination, but it's pretty garish. If you're going to go this route, you need more of a build. Yes, they all hear rumbling thunder, but is that it? No, it wouldn't be! How about wind speeds that threaten to sweep them off the ground? How about the prickly feeling of electricity making every hair attempt to stand on end as it courses through their bodies? Do it!
The rest is grammar and editing stuff, which I'd be happy to do if you wish. But I just feel the need to tell you that YOU SPELLED PINKIE WRONG FOR THE LATTER HALF OF THIS CHAPTER! That is going to chase away readers like you have never seen. Fix it before someone else calls you on it.
Anywho, I suppose that is all.
Your ratings, sir/madame:
Execution: 5/10
Style: 7/10
Grammar/phrasing: 3/10
Overall: 5/10
Aww, it's really sad... I can barely stand to read about a pony dying. That said, it's a very interesting idea and could turn out to be a great story.
I'd spend more time talking about the other ponies' emotions if it's to be a sad story- I mean, the hopelessness and frustration at a seemingly empty and uncaring world has to be worth mentioning!
Keep at it! :]
Rarity is dead(), Twilight is dying(). Applejack in need(), Fluttershy crying().
Dude, read it like a song way. In poem way. It rhymes!
3389663 WHOA! Your the first person to identify what was going on in my head when I typed that so cool!
3393761 Can I read mind?
3394058 probably Or you are just like me, which would be cool, and we would get along well
3394075 maybe
Great plot! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to ask what was your fav of mine stories
I like it si far but u shuld revive rareity jyst have cellestia do sumthin lol but ple more of this its cool (and a rareity revive pls!!)
Well...this story has an interesting plot, but it's too rushed for me. The action is too fast, not letting the reader sink into the story. There needs to be more detail added, and don't be afraid to drag a scene out--just don't make it too long. That will allow the reader to imagine the world they're in, and give a bit inside to the plot.
I also noticed a few things that doesn't make much sense to me:
If they're in a cave, how is there grass? Now I don't live in a cave, but when I see a cave in movies or stories, I never seen/heard of grass being in there. This makes me feel like they had pointed out a cave, then just laid down in the middle of the road instead of going inside. Also, adding more detail to the cave wouldn't hurt.
Woah, woah! Didn't Dash just lie on a cloud? How is it cloudless? Was there--for some reason--only one cloud and Dash took it? What happened to the other clouds?
So, Dash only starts to attack when Twilight is hurt, but not when Rarity is killed, or Applejack and Pinkie are frozen? This doesn't seem right to me. We've seen that Dash attacks without thinking or waiting unless someone is holding her down.
So Dash leaves the rest of her friends to their deaths after taking their elements? Yeah, no. She should have tried to rescue at least some of them with Fluttershy's help. Would she been able to do it? Probably not, but she should have still tried instead of abandoning them. She is the element of loyalty after all.
If Fluttershy is going to yell like this she should try to do something instead of just sitting there.
Also, why didn't Twilight try a spell? Instead of helping she just sat there like a sitting duck, and allowed her friends to suffer.
Now I've done this type of writing before when I first started--a lot of us probably have--so I know how it is. I suggest that you get an editor to help, like I did. Also look up a group called "Schools for new writers" if you hadn't already. They will help you improve your talent and your fanfics.
I can tell you'll have more interesting stories in the future, but they'll go unnoticed. Remember to practice, practice, practice.
good story
so far...
3462626>>3372720
There's honestly nothing I can say that hasn't already been covered by these two. seriously, you have some really good advice here. take it.
overall rating:
Congratulations, you committed 0 of the 7 mortal sins of writing MLP fanfiction!
This comment is brought to you by my new Weekly Watch... thing. If you appreciate my feedback then head on over and give it a look. maybe you'll like what I do.
3469764 And the mortal sins are...
3470755 That information can only be disclosed to those who commit them.
3479336 Lol
3479969 I'm serious. It makes my otherwise standard job a little more interesting.
Pretty good so far :D
3484561 Thx
Thank you for killing Rarity