Constantine and the Eternal Night

by Jaysteeny

Part 5: The Golf War

Chapter 5: The Golf War
No offense is intended to those brave veterans, I just liked the pun.

A man placed a white, pitted ball onto a small spike in the ground, making sure it was in straight. He stood up, took a pole with a rounded end from a man standing nearby, and took aim. The man swung it slowly back, then, suddenly, he moved it just fast enough that it could still be seen and struck the ball with the edge of the rounded end. The ball sailed through the air, flying towards a flag. Closer and closer and closer, until–Sparks flew from the display, there was a lot of smoke and fire around it.

‘Drat! I just got this machine working!’ Said the doctor irritably. ‘We were receiving signals from a wavelength in what I’m sure was your universe, other than the internet (Such a strange place, if I do say so myself). Did you recognise anything, Constantine?’

George Arthur Constantine was sitting nearby. He wore clothes quite different from the ones he first came to Equestria in. He was now wearing a white shirt, dirty on the front as he was just helping the doctor with his 22nd attempt to send him home, or at least make progress in that direction. He insisted that he had pants as much the same as the ones he first arrived in, but was stuck with some khaki cargo pants. He much preferred shorts. He was wearing also, a different leather belt to the one he arrived in, though his camera and multitool were still hanging from it. He also owned a leather jacket, but right now he wasn’t wearing it. He had a leather wide-brimmed hat resting on his knee. The doctor was wearing a brown leather coat, mostly because it looked cool.

‘Well, it’s been…1 year, 3 months, 5 days and 6 hours since I’ve been on earth, but that was definitely golf. We’re getting closer. It’ll be any day now, I can feel it!’ He was getting enthusiastic, but after all this time he was prepared for a disappointment. ‘Want to go play a game, you know to celebrate?’

‘No, you’d probably cheat, what with your bipedal-ness and things.’ The Doctor was actually worried he’d change the rules to win. ‘And anyway, it’s a team sport, isn’t it?’

‘No it isn’t, even I could tell that. I’ll get some of my men to set up a course, we’ll have an interspecies competition, and I’ll be representing unicorns personally, of course.’ Stated Golden Shield proudly. He wasn’t a captain anymore, now he was general of the Unicorn branch of the Equestrian national military. But even he had questions ‘So what are the rules, anyway?’

‘Another of the things I never got into, golf. If I remember rightly, it’s a gentlestallion’s sport in which the winner has the lowest score. If that doesn’t make any sense, I think each hole has a set number of hits, like -6 or something.’ He scratched his head, and got out a pen and paper. It had nothing to do with him remembering the rules of golf, he just drew some squiggly lines on it, but somehow it helped him to think. “If I’m remembrin’ rightly” he said in the best Confederate American voice he could muster “Each hit ya’ take is plus 1 point, gettin’ inta positives is sure as sugarcubes a bad sign.” He, quite deservingly, got a lot of strange looks.

‘You know, we could just access Earth’s internet again, right? It’d take a whole lot of this trouble away.’ Suggested the doctor. Constantine felt stupid, like most of the time he was around the doctor. ‘I didn’t think it crossed your mind, did it?’

‘Shut up doctor, or you’re going to be my next meaty meal.’ He threatened. He was the only sentient being in all of Equestria, aside from gryphons and dragons, which ate meat. ‘So how many species are we talking here, Cap?’

‘I keep telling you, ever since my first promotion, I’M NOT A CAPTAIN ANYMORE!’ He yelled. Regaining his composure, he answered a sniggering George ‘Well, let’s see…We got the three in this room, who are the representatives, dragons four, gryphons five, Zebra six, Buffalo seven, a Pegasus 8, and I’ve heard from some of my men who work a mountain beside a village on the border of the Everfree forest something called “Diamond dogs”, so that’s 9. Anyone I’ve forgotten?’ No sooner were these words out of his mouth that he regretted it.

‘PERHAPS THOU HAST FORGOTTEN ME?’ Boomed The Queen’s mighty voice as she teleported in. She sounded more annoyed than usual.

‘Oh, sweet Celestia, now I’m in for it…’ The frightened general muttered just quiet enough Nightmare moon didn’t hear it, but she heard the word “Celestia”, and that was enough to incur her wrath.

‘WHAT DIDST THOU SAY, COLT?!’ She yelled, even louder now. George giggled to himself and held onto his squiggle paper, and something bolted down. The doctor hurt his teeth trying to stay in place.

‘My apologies, your majesty, I was just cursing my own foolishness’ He knew how to kiss flank, and he was doing it right now. It seemed to work, as the goddess of the night seemed to calm down.

‘Very well, it would seem we have ten competitors. Perhaps we should have this competition at the beginning of the New Age.’ She hadn’t planned on warning anyone about a new age, but now she realised she hadn’t warned them already. She blushed, but the others seemed to not notice and she was glad. ‘If thou didst not know, I shall someday soon raise the sun, upon the dawn of a New Age. Don’t let me catch you using that accursed word ever again, or I shall test new and creative ways of punishing you, some of which may be present in certain fanfics.’ Golden Shield gulped. The doctor put a consoling hoof on his shoulder. Constantine was confused.

‘Nightmare Moon, AWAAAYYY!’ She shouted, crashing through one of the once many stained glass windows depicting her sister. Just when George thought things were becoming normal, something like this happens.

(Authors notes) I'm sorry, I couldn't resist breaking the fourth wall. I'm currently working on part 7, but I will only upload once a week, to avoid what I'm going to call right now Spam-and-wait. And yes, Bunnanaking, Nightmare Moon did steal your trademark. She was on the internet, found Fimfiction.net, and happened to chance upon your fic, and decided that for teh lulz she'd use your trademark. Again, I don't care if The Fourth Wall is broken, because it gets worse in later chapters, when I change my fomatting slightly, just because I was told commas at the end of dialogue annoys people. GOODBYE, PEOPLEZ!

Comments

[Da Bunnana King]

Ok so now I have to add Nightmare Moon to my kill list, so that means she is going to be after Osama... Oh wait I got him already. Well looks like she is next.

[Jaysteeny]

318928 Why would you kill NMM!?!?!?!?