Voices of Id
Twilight finished tying her bathrobe as she walked out of The Room, surprised at how much time had passed since her and Luna had decided to bathe. The moon was now hovering above the edge of the horizon, inching its way upwards to the arc of its climb in the night sky. There was a soft breeze coming from the general direction of upstairs, and the difference in temperature was enough to make Twilight shiver. Luna moved past her, trotting up the steps steadily. She didn’t seem in the least bothered by the weather, let alone enough to shiver as her guest was. Twilight shook her head and followed her, wondering just what it took to faze Luna. She always had her head about her, somehow.
When the two passed through the living room they saw Spike at the writing desk, furiously scribbling as fast as he could, without giving up any neatness. He had his forked tongue out and he was hunched over the desk as if it was the most important task he’d been given in life. Twilight shook her head and followed Luna upstairs, wondering just what had gotten into him in the hour of their absence. She had an unfortunate feeling in her gut that it concerned his unfortunate new admiration of her, seeing as how hard he was concentrating.
“He wishes that you’d notice him, you know.” Luna said to herself. “Not as a friend or your assistant, but as a dragon that wants you to recognize his affection. All he wants to know is if you’ll even accept his attempts to advance towards you. He isn’t a child anymore, not after what he’s seen.”
Twilight did her best to ignore the statement, instead turning her attention towards the room she had just entered. In a way she had expected as much from a studious princess like Luna, but in another it was still a feast for the eyes. A long row of shelves wrapped around the curve of the tower outwards from the bed, which was raised above the rest of the room by five small steps that led up to it. There was a large canopy and four curtains that shielded the sleeper from the midday sun, as well as thick curtains on the windows to further impede any light. The bookshelves were packed with books on every type of magic, as well as a few fantasy epics of the romantic variety. There was a long desk on the right side of the room that held hundreds of beakers, alembics and other alchemical apparatus on its surface, showing that Luna was also an avid maker of potions.
“This is really nice.” Twilight commented, drinking in the room. “I wish I had a setup like this back at my library.”
Luna shrugged, warmed by the new alicorn’s praise. She stepped over to a massive dresser on one side of the room and began to pull out clothes of all sorts, even a few things that Twilight deemed questionable at best. Finally she found what she was looking for, a light blue evening gown with a large crescent moon on the front, speckles of navy surrounding the glowing halo. She motioned for Twilight to turn around with her hoof, beginning to untie her bathrobe. The other mare did as she was told, admiring the bright lapis-colored carpet while she waited for Luna to be decent. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a large case on the desk. Inside the glass case was a single, solitary brass-tipped calligraphy pen with an ink siphon on the side. It looked ancient, and it seemed to be crafted out of silver and gold by what she could tell. Curious, she walked over to the desk and opened the case, picking up the calligraphy pen. It was shockingly heavy for a pen; she found that writing anything with it might make one’s wrist sore after only a few sentences, let alone a whole paragraph. Shrugging, she moved to put it back in its case.
‘Turn around.’ A voice in Twilight’s head commanded.
The alicorn nearly did as she was told; she actually felt her heels turn into the movement before she caught herself. Looking at the pen quizzically, she looked closer at the engravings on it. They were runes, but in a language so ancient that not even she could divine the meaning behind them. It was a strange script that seemed to revolve around a single solitary line with complimentary lines drawn through it for each letter. Whatever it was, it seemed malignant. Anything that could think for itself and tell others what to do raised about seven red flags in her book. As she went to replace it again she heard another whisper.
‘Turn. Around.’ The voice growled again, this time more forcefully.
Twilight had to exercise every ounce of will she had to not turn. She felt her ankles crack, the sinew in them protesting her resistance. With that she shoved the pen in the case and shut it as fast as she could, before it could speak any more illicit orders. Luna walked over to her, her nightgown now on, and stared at Twilight critically.
“Did you pick up that pen?” She asked, glancing at it like the mere sight of it was enough for her.
“Well… yeah.” Twilight replied, looking at the silver-handled object. “It tried to tell me to turn around. I didn’t listen to it-“
“Well thank heavens for that.” The princess said, locking the case. “That is the pen of Id, and the thing isn’t to touch another living creature. Ever. It makes the most noble ponies go bad if you listen to it even once. Then it takes control and the only way to make it stop is to write all your Id wants you to in your own blood. The thing was made by Discord, and Celestia spent almost a year at war with the thing in her own head. When she finally finished she’d written seven-hundred pages of secrets, and then she tried to burn them. They wouldn’t, since that’s part of the enchantment. So, she hid them away. To this day nopony knows where they are, but if anypony ever found them I shudder to think of it.”
“So… what exactly is your Id?” Twilight asked, having never taken a psychology course.
“Your Id is the side of you that’s still an animal.” Luna said, throwing a black cover of the case. “It’s the part of you that you throw all of your inhibitions and secrets to, and most ponies think they’re hidden away forever in their own minds. Your Id is your anti-you, and it’s fed by every lie you tell yourself. And to an alicorn, your Id is the thing that you never want to get out. Nightmare Moon is my antithesis, and she knows everything about me. But she would heed to desires that I have kept repressed for the last thousand years, and woe betide any pony that might fall victim to her... as I have darker demons than most locked away in my head.”
“So… what might my anti-self look like?” Twilight asked, her interest piqued.
Luna gave her a look and sighed. “Only you can know Twilight. She would be everything you have choked down and forbade yourself from doing for your whole life. She would be… terrible. So for the love of the gods above, don’t go near that pen. It’s in that case so that it can’t tell anypony to do anything while it’s still trapped.”
Twilight nodded and moved over to the dresser where Luna had been standing, looking around in the wardrobe for something to wear. She would be fine with just her normal mane and tail, but seeing as how Luna had felt the need to dress up, it only felt right that she would too. She fished around until she heard a whisper in her head again.
‘I’m still here.’ It said, in an eerily smooth, honeyed version of her own voice. ‘And there isn’t a thing in the world that you can do to make me stop.’
Twilight stood stock still, afraid to move. She glanced over at the case to make sure that it was still undisturbed. It was still locked in the case, the same glass panes that were supposed to protect her from its malignant effects. She shook her head, going back to searching for clothes.
‘Listen to me.’ She whispered, in a way that made Twilight’s skin crawl with unease. It was so disturbingly like her own voice that it sounded as if she was whispering in her own ear. ‘I know what you’re thinking right now. You can’t get away from yourself, you’re smart enough to know that… so why don’t you just try and listen to my advice? I’m everything you try not to do in life… but lately you’ve been trying some new things, right? So why don’t you give your repressed memories and impulses a try… I know you’ll enjoy yourself if you listened to me.’
‘No.’ She thought back, still rifling through the dresser in search of something to wear. ‘You are nothing but the worst ideas I’ve ever had. I’m not going to listen to you, and nothing you say can convince me otherwise.’
‘Even if I told you that you already are? And that I can convince you, with a little prodding?’
Twilight stood back up, incredulous that she hadn’t made the decision herself. The thing, the voice in her own head, had made her stand. Sensing her lapse in focus, whatever had been nesting in her took swift control, until Twilight felt like she was no more than a passenger in her own body, and whatever had invaded it was now the pilot. Her Id was now in control, and she was powerless to help it. She stood stock still, feeling an unbearable forced crushing her head from all sides. It felt like she was being pushed right out of her own skull. Then, like a passing fever, it faded. She tried in vain to tell Luna that she wasn’t the real her. But her lips no longer obeyed her commands.
Twilight could see herself perfectly, as if she had a third-person view of everything around her. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness crept over her. This was the material that could be used to sow nightmares, and here she was actually living this. She wanted to cry at how unfair it was that she was being pushed from her own body, the body she’d fought tooth and nail to obtain and maintain. Then, at that, she felt a sensation on her hooves again. It hit Twilight like a brick wall then; this creature, this anti-her, whatever it was, was still getting used to her body. This was her chance to regain control, now, before it could hurt Luna or establish permanent residence. She reached out and grabbed onto that emotion she’d felt. It was anger and righteous fury that helped her.
‘Stop resisting. I just want to show you what you could to if you listened to me.’ She said, and just like that Twilight was in the back seat again with no control.
Twilight had to watch in horror as the thing, the anti-her, looked over at Luna and smiled dreamily, batting her lashes at the princess while she watched it take control. She had to watch as the thing crossed her legs and ruffled her wings at the princess, making her look like a foal in front of her. It was downright wrong, the way it was making her behave.
“Twilight… what’re you doing?” Luna asked, confused. “Are you going to get dressed?”
‘No! This isn’t right! I’m supposed to be making these decisions, not you!’ The furious alicorn screamed in her head. ‘You have no right to be here!’
“I was just thinking that-” The creature broke off in the middle of its sentence.
“THIS IS MY BODY NOT YOURS YOU WHORISH FREAK!” She screamed, mentally ripping out the jaw of the creature invading her mind and driving it back out from whence it came.
Luna looked taken aback, until she suddenly realized what was going on. She reached over to the case and took out the pen, hurrying over to Twilight as fast as she could while she was still in control. Taking out a piece of paper she held it up to her, prompting her to take ahold of it. Once she had Luna began frantically repeating instructions, as if she’d done this herself more than a few times.
“Look Twilight, I want you to let the thing back into your head, I know that it’s hard but while you’re holding the pen the only thing it can do is write so I want you to do that now. It’s the only way to keep it from coming back again and again, now please, just hurry.”
Twilight looked down at the pen, thinking that the very last thing in the world was to let it take control again. But… she had to, so she did her best to let down her mental walls. Like the animal it was, the anti-her exploded back into her mind, but stopped immediately. It saw the pen in her hand and howled, like it had no choice but to be dragged forward towards the reins. Twilight lost the feeling in her hooves as it took control, but only there. The mare nearly screamed as it took the pen and, hooves shaking erratically, began to push the brass tip against the inside of her wrist.
“Don’t panic Twilight.” Luna said, putting her wing around the panicked mare to help her regain stability. “This will only hurt for a second.”
The sharp chisel pierced her skin easily, blood seeping out of her wrist and down her arm like a faucet had been turned on. Luna did her best to avoid looking at the wound, but soon it was dripping onto the carpet and sticking to Twilight’s coat in thick gory clumps. With her other hoof the creature used Twilight to pull the siphon on the side of the pen, filling it up with an unnatural amount of the thick red liquid. Twilight nearly fainted, suddenly feeling lightheaded at the sudden dip in blood pressure. Then, like it couldn’t control itself, she began to write, the wound sealing itself almost immediately after the tip was withdrawn from her arm.
The fit faded as suddenly as it had started, and just as suddenly Twilight no longer felt the horrifying presence in her head. It had disappeared onto the paper in the blood that now soaked the pages, written in an odd backwards script that was written in a manner similar to her own in almost every way. It disturbed her how easily the creature had moved in and mimicked her every move, from her voice to her manuscript. It wasn’t right, and she felt violated. Luna picked up the pen with a kerchief and put it back in the case, throwing the cover over it once again. The princess couldn’t help but be impressed with how Twilight had handled that. She had resisted, a true fighter down to the last second. Most ponies she knew had touched the pen gave up once they’d lost control the first time.
“So… Twilight.” She said, turning to face her guest. “I want to say that… even though I know that what just happened was… awful, to say the least, I’d like to tell you that I’m proud of you for fighting back. I didn’t the first time, and that’s something I myself didn’t do so many years ago.”
“That was the reason you changed into Nightmare Moon?” Twilight asked, still in shock.
“Indeed it was. And it haunts me to this day. I want you to know that it still has a connection to you… and sometimes it might still whisper things to you, but it can no longer influence you like it did the first time. Okay? If you feel that it’s coming back, just open your wings and close your eyes. I’ll know what it means.”
“What it did… I mean, what it wanted me to do… you won’t hold that against me, right?” Twilight asked, ashamed of herself for her flirtatious behavior. “I mean, you know that was something I thought at some point that it wanted me to act on, so… am I forgiven?”
Luna looked down at her, a curious expression on her face. She seemed somewhere between intrigue and slight interest. “Well… I’ll forgive you. But I’ll have you know that I’ll keep that in mind the next time that you decide to take a bath with me.” She said, walking towards the stairs.
As she did Twilight could have sworn that Luna had run her tail over her chest on purpose… but she dismissed it as a figment of her imagination. Such things were below a mare like her. Besides, she already knew that the princess wasn’t interested with how she’d reacted to her confession. Or maybe she’d just imagined that too and she really was curious to see how she felt towards her. The newborn alicorn shook her head, confusion making her mind run laps. Everything that was happening to her recently was only making things less and less clear. And now… the cat was out of the bag.
Twilight groaned and followed Luna down the stairs.
Later that evening Spike walked up to Twilight, a note clutched behind his back. Twilight was sitting on the couch in a nightgown that Luna had helped her make. The sun and moon were both setting on either side of the gown, making elusive mixture that is twilight in the center. The mare sighed and closed her eyes as she watched him approach, already knowing what he wanted from her. She could already feel the guilt welling up inside her about how she was neglecting his feelings. When he stood next to her and coughed, just politely to get her attention, she opened her eyes and sat up, unamused.
“Hey, um, Twilight.” He stuttered. “I was just thinking about, y’know, what I tried to talk to you about in the hall earlier today, and so I kinda wrote this note to you so that I could better explain what I was going to tell you before… umm…”
Twilight nearly closed her eyes and fell back onto the couch when the same sickly-sweet voice from earlier whispered to her, so lightly it sounded like it was miles away. ‘Hear him out, he’s only a young dragon who finds himself liking a much more mature mare. You yourself are in the same situation, so don’t pretend that you can’t empathize with him.’
Twilight shuddered and took the note, opening it. It drawled on for over two paragraphs about how Spike thought that, despite the fact that they’d grown up together, that he might have feelings for her. Feelings that he didn’t really know how to tell her about, so he had written to her. Then it went on to say that Spike wasn’t really wanting that much, and just that he wanted her to know that he did like her in a way. After that he concluded with a simple request to tell him whether she felt for him too.
Twilight rolled the note back up and looked down at him. He looked so cute to her, like a puppy with his eyes as big as saucers staring up at her, hoping that her answer would be a resounding yes. Twilight couldn’t help but feel pity for him. He was lovesick. She’d experienced that before. That strange emotion when you pine after a pony that she she’d thought was her sun and moon. Just to, in the end, find out that the pony she’d been yearning for didn’t appreciate her that way. She wanted to spare him the pain, but then she felt that same voice in head again.
‘Tell him that you do.’ The voice said. ‘Lead him on so that he can feel the same pain.’
Twilight took a deep breathe, then handed him the note back. “Spike… I am a pony. And you are a dragon. That means that, no matter how hard I might try, or even want to, you and I can’t be anything more than a platonic relationship… but I want you to know that I’m doing this because I don’t want something like that to ruin our friendship. Okay?” She said, hoping that her explanation would soften the blow.
Spike took the note and sulked over to the waste bin, where he placed the note, sniffing as if he was fighting back a tear. With that he trotted miserably over to the stairs and descended them, waiting until he was downstairs to lose his composure that way he didn’t have to do it in front of Twilight or Luna.
Luna looked up from her writing desk and gave Twilight a long-eyed look, the type one gave someone if they just made of tough decision even though there was no right answer. “You did the right thing. You couldn’t keep him hanging in limbo forever, anyways. It’s for the best that he knows now, instead of having false hope. Although I do pray he doesn’t feel the need to hold onto it. We have a busy night ahead of us, after all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Since Spike told me that you’re having trouble with the castle layout, I was going to give you a tour. Once we tell my niece, Cadence, you’re here of course. Then it’s only a matter of time before she blabs to my sister about you. That way we avoid a direct confrontation and we have until tomorrow at… let’s just go with nine-o’-clock, since that’s right before Celestia goes to bed. Anyways, we have two options. We can have a pajama party with Cadence and an extremely depressed young dragon, or we can have a tour of the castle with just Cadence. Or maybe we could invite Celestia as well… I suppose it’s all up to you as the guest of honor to decide.”
Twilight gave her a look that would have seared the eyebrows off of anypony else but the three-thousand year old princess. “None of those options sound particularly appealing.” She griped.
“They aren’t meant to be. But Celestia has to figure out you’re here otherwise she’ll launch a massive search for you soon when she visits your library and you’re not there.”
“Fine… Invite Celestia and Cadence over here. I’ll go get Spike so he can send the letters….”
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well spike guess she only sees you as a fast way to send letters...guess rarity slave it is huh?
NOOO! poor Spike
i can't help but feel that Twilight's response/view on Spikes feelings is kinda racist, maybe i'm reading to much into it
Poor Spike.
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I find it interesting, as well as a verifiable human observation, that the only thing people often focus on in their comments is the negative events of the chapter. True, Spike feels pushed to the backburner, but you'll see soon that I am not pushing this charming fellow
out of the story. In the next chapter I actually spend a lot of time with him as he wanders alone in the castle, and we also get to see how he reacts to Twilight's interest in Luna. So don't despair and jump ship because you think he's gone. He's more of an important character than ever. 
So no spilight
Poor Spike
3261089 Well that is good to hear.
I am not gonna lie... I am so pissed off! This seems interesting, don't get me wrong, the Id very interesting. The high and mighty have their secret the pure and divine have their lust. Nice. But what gets me, what really gets me, is Spike! Why? Why are you crying? You knew! You knew in a deep part of you that she would not feel the same. Why are you showing such weakness? I'm not saying that you shouldn't cry, just don't let them see you cry. What about Rarity? Has her years of rejecting your affection done nothing to steel your heart? To love and lose is painful, but to love and not be loved back is hell.
Wait why is the Voice Of Id in the middle of the room with a case?
they could have put warning signs or locked it somehow but noooooooooooo they have to put it in a case where everyone curios can reach it.
*Sigh* There i did it
They should have hired some hobbits to carry that pen to Mt. Doom.