A Friend Like Trixie

by EverSoNitro

Friend Like Me

“Ooh! Ooh! I want a cupcake!”

“I don’t-“

“No wait! I want a dozen donuts!”

“Pinkie-“

“Nonono, TWO dozen-!”

“SILENCE!”

Pinkie sat silent in the middle of her apartment. Trixie floated in the air, fore hooves pressed against her temples, gently massaging her newly acquired migraine. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go, Trixie thought. Sparkle was the one who was supposed to find Trixie’s lamp, not this buffoon. Trixie sighed internally. Oh well, Trixie’s tried her hand at improv before. She can make this work.

Trixie took a deep breath, and flashed a wide grin, a move she’d seen a pair of personal friends and con artists pull when faced with a challenging sell. “Pinkie, Mistress, you’re thinking much too small,” Trixie said to the hyperactive pink pony.

“I am?” Pinkie said cheerfully, cocking her head.

Trixie nodded. “You’ve been presented with a chance that most pegasi would give their wings for, unicorns would give their horns for! You are the master of a genie! Perhaps, nay, definitely the most powerful genie in existence!” Trixie drifted around Pinkie now, leaving a cloud of azure mist behind her as she did so. “The world is your oyster, literally if you so wish it! And you want to waste your wishes on simple pastries, many of which are available if you were to simply walk downstairs?”

“Yep!” Pinkie said.

There was a silence for a moment, and Trixie put a hoof to her face.

She can’t really be this dull, can she?

“So, as I was saying, I want two dozen-“

“MISTRESS!” Trixie said, interrupting Pinkie before she could go off on another tangent. “Trixie doesn’t think you quite realize what you’ve got here!” She clapped her hooves together, and a cloud scooped Pinkie up and dumped her unceremoniously onto her bed. “So why don’t you just ruminate, whilst Trixie illuminates the possibilities…”

Friend like Me

Sole Singer: The Great and Powerful Trixie

Well Greedy Grabber had them forty thieves,
Blazing Scroll had a thousand tales.
But mistress you’re in luck 'cause up your sleeves,
You got a brand of magic never fails!
You got some power in your corner now,
Some heavy ammunition in your camp!
You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how,
See all you gotta do is rub that lamp!
And I'll say…

“Oh Mistress Pinkie Pie,
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order,
Jot it down,”
You ain't never had a friend like me!

Life is your restaurant,
And I'm your maître d'!
C'mon whisper what it is you want,
You ain't never had a friend like me!

Yes ma’am, we pride ourselves on service,
You're the boss!
The queen! The shah!
Say what you wish,
It's yours! True dish!
How about a little more Baklava?

Have some of column "A",
Try all of column "B"!
I'm here to see you’re filled with glee!
You ain't never had a friend like me!

Can your friends do this?
Do your friends do that?
Do your friends pull this out their little hat?
Can your friends go, poof?
Well, looky here!
Can your friends go, Abracadabra, LET ‘ER RIP!
And then make the sucker disappear?

So don’t just sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed!
I'm here to answer all your midnight prayers!
You got me bona fide, certified!
You got a genie for your chare d'affaires!
I got a powerful urge to help you out,
So what’s your wish? I really wanna know!
You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt,
Well, all you gotta do is rub like so - and oh!

Oh Mistress Pinkie Pie, have a wish or two or three!
I'm on the job, and I’m no slob,
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,
You ain't never! Had a! Friiiiiiiieeeeeend liiiiiiiiiiiiike meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

You ain't never had a friend like me!

Pinkie sat silently on the bed for a moment, awe-struck at the musical number that had just befallen her. Trixie merely hung in the air with a smug expression on her face. Trixie had always been able to put on a show, and with the new power that being a genie granted, that ability had been multiplied exponentially. After a moment, she drifted down beside Pinkie, draping a foreleg around her shoulder, whilst examining the other nonchalantly. Pinkie still stared ahead, dumbfounded.

“So, what’ll it be, Mistress?”

“Alrighty, I think I get it now!” Pinkie said suddenly, hopping off the bed. Trixie floated up into the air, the cloud of azure smoke that her body tapered off to idly drifting in a non-existent breeze. “So, you can do or make anything I want, right? Like, say if I wanted a reeeeeaaaaally big cupcake to appear out of nowhere in the middle of Ponyville, you could do that, right?”

“Well, yes,” Trixie said, “Trixie could definitely and quite easily grant the example you just described, but there are a few things that lie outside her admittedly phenomenal range of abilities. That’s not to say The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t have the power necessary to do them,” the unicorn genie added hastily. “It’s just that there are a few rules to wish granting that come with any genie.”

“Rules?” Pinkie said. “Aw, rules are no fun!”

“Trixie has to agree with you, mistress,” Trixie said, internally cringing whenever she said the word “mistress”. She hated having to serve someone, but this plan had already hit a particularly huge (not to mention pink and overly energetic) roadblock, so she just had to ride this out until her opportunity revealed itself. Trixie continued. “Rules do put a damper on things, but thankfully, there are only three.”

“Okie dokie!” Pinkie said. “What are they?”

“Firstly, Trixie cannot forcibly end somepony’s life,” Trixie said.

Pinkie giggled. “That’s silly! I’d never wish for something like that!”

“Secondly,” Trixie continued, “Trixie cannot force two ponies to fall in love with one another.” Trixie visibly retched at the idea. She’d never been one for romance.

Pinkie laughed again. “Why would I wanna do that? It’d take all the fun out of trying to guess who’s going to fall in love with each other!” Pinkie leaned in close to Trixie. “Between you and me, I think Applejack and Dashie are due any day now!”

“Finally,” Trixie said, moving away from Pinkie as she revealed the little shipping tidbit. “Trixie cannot bring ponies back from the dead. Other than those three things, you may have anything you wish.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie said. She seemed to ponder things for a moment, then, without a word, she stood up and walked to the stairs.

“Wait, Mistress, where are you going?” Trixie said, drifting towards her.

“I can’t think on an empty tummy, silly!” Pinkie said. She proceeded down the steps, but poked her head back up into the room. “Did you want something?”

“Uh, no, thank you, Trixie is fine,” the genie said.

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie said, before disappearing downstairs.

Once she was gone, Trixie sank to the floor and tugged at her mane. This is going to be excruciating… Trixie thought. In the moment of peace she had been afforded, she reflected on how she had ended up in this situation. It all started about a week ago, when Trixie had returned to Ponyville on Nightmare Night…

Comments

[Your Antagonist]

Nothing but fun! Nothing but f**king fun! Exquisite, original, a rare top-shelfer, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this became a top story! That musical number, top-notch and fun to sing though the pacing is a little bit awkward. Your humor was on point, and funny as buck! Keep it up good sir! Here's a Michal Jackson cover via Violin for doing such a boss job

[ezio dementay]

when it got to the musical number, i read it out loud and my sister thought i was singing though horrible though. good story and great song.

[PurpleRibbon]

This has potential, I'll give you that! Not only that, but it's entertaining already. I can't wait to read the hilarity that follows.

[Bubbler]

If you do a pony-fide "Prince Ali", I'll have to kill you. Because you don't deserve to get the opportunity to make anything better than this. This is fantastic.

[Xeddrief]

Beautiful.

And yes, the Great and Powerful Genie Trixie cannot kill anypony...

But you'd be surprised what you can live through

[EverSoNitro]

267658
Not sure if I could pull off Prince Ali and have it fit, but I'll certainly give it a shot.
Of course, Aladdin's not the only series I'm using songs from...

[red reaper]

267907
How did you used a disney song?