Starlight Over Detrot: The Detection Chronicles

by Daemon McRae

Whatever Doesn't Kill You... Is Sure to Try Again

Chapter 3: Whatever Doesn’t Kill You… Is Sure to Try Again

After our revelation in Fluff’s lab, Longarm and I had decided to leave Her Highness alone with her work for a few hours. With nothing left to do but wait, I’d sent Paperweight to go talk to Telly as much as she could, and get some more information. Most likely Telly would just give her a recording of the call, but it would be more than we had than we started.

Longarm and I leaned over a table in the cafeteria, each of us a cup of coffee in our hooves. I swore I’d be pissing cocoa extract for a week after this case.

We’d sat in contemplative silence for a moment before Longarm broke the silence. “I don’t suppose you have any suspects, do you? I know you’re not exactly the murder mystery type, or at least, I don’t think so, but did anything stand out to you?”

I thought about it, and remembered what Paper and I had talked about on the way here. “Yeah, I do. One of the partners in the law firm, a stallion named Lockdown, we want to talk to him. Not so much a suspect as a ‘pony of interest.’” I explained the timing of the call, and the murder, and how nopony had seen Lockdown, a colt with a sturdy reputation for never leaving his office. “Inkblot said it wasn’t up to him to call me, and with Stock only hearing about the murder after I did, it boils down to Lockdown wanting to hire me. Why, I have no idea. I’ve only ever met the pony once.” I mulled the situation over, and laughed. “I’m actually surprised you’ve been so open with me on this case. Usually the cops hate talking to P.I.’s about ongoing investigations.”

Longarm shook his head. “Like I said, we’re so short-hooved it’s ridiculous.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m not stupid, Longarm. Telling a P.I. to piss off is second nature to anyone with a badge. Even Sykes was significantly less than happy to see me.”

He looked from side to side a little, not meeting my gaze. “Well, that’s just Sykes being himself…”

“Longarm.” I said sternly. Something in my voice must have surprised him, because his head snapped up and he looked me in the eye for the first time since we started talking. “Please, don’t bullshit me. My… for lack of a better term, ‘boss’, is dead. I’m working a serial killer case with an almost absurd amount of cooperation. What’s going on?”

He looked like he was going to say something, then stopped. After a few moments, he opened his mouth again. “I honestly don’t know. You’re right about one thing. I wanted you to shove off as soon as I got here. But I’d had orders to ‘Let the P.I. through.’ I’m starting to be grateful, cause you’ve at least been helpful since you got here.”

“Orders? From who?” I took a sip of my coffee to keep from asking more questions than I needed to.

He shook his head again, this time in plain confusion. “No idea. I want to say the Captain had something to do with it, but all I know is somepony higher rank than me told me to let you in. That was maybe ten minutes after I got there.”

That couldn’t be right. “Ten minutes? I got there an hour after the call. How did some cop know they were going to call me in before it happened?”

He tapped his hoof to his chin. “Come to think of it, it wasn’t you specifically. He just said ‘Let the detective come in when he gets here, and let him help. You’re going to need it.'”

Alarm bells were going off in my head. “They didn’t even give you a name? Something’s totally bucked here.”

The officer nodded. “No argument here. I mean, who just lets a private detective have his way with a crime scene?”

“Aside from the obvious answer, ‘nopony in the history of ever’, there’s more to it. When Inkblot called me, he told me something really fishy. He said I was the only detective he knew that wasn’t a suspect. I never got a chance to ask him about that,” I explained. “Maybe we should go ask your superior what he knows.”

The officer stood up. “It couldn’t hurt. At least it gives us something to do.”

I walked my now-empty cup of coffee to the sink and left it there for somepony else to bitch about later. “Right. So what was his name?”

Longarm didn’t answer me. I turned, and saw him standing there, a dazed look on his face. “Longarm? What’s your superior’s name?”

“…I don’t remember.”

--------

The Equicide Detective and I were still trying to figure this out on our way to Chief Jade’s office. “Ok, so you can’t remember his name. What did he look like? What was his rank? We can ask the chief and see if she knows anypony who matches the description.”

The stallion ran a hoof through his blue mane. “I don’t… I have no idea what’s going on. I can’t remember anything except what he told me, and that he was higher rank. I got nothing, Spy.” He stopped in his tracks, and I stopped with him.

“What?” He pointed a hoof past my shoulder. I straightened out to see that we were at the front door of the Chief’s office. “Oh.”

Now, I’ve maybe met Chief Jade in passing, once. Passing, as in she looked at me and I got in a cab and got the hell out of there. I certainly wasn’t expecting anything pleasant this time around. I lifted up a hoof to knock on the door, but Longarm reached out and stopped me. I looked at him, and he just shook his head.

“It’s probably better if I go in first.” Oh boy.

I took a few generous steps back, and Longarm knocked on the door. There was a pause, and then from the other side. “Get in here, Detectives.”

The officer and I exchanged glances before he opened the door, and we walked in. The room was vast, and screamed efficiency. Gold paint and a big red carpet were the most noticeable features. That and the big mahogany desk that looked like every schoolfilly’s nightmare. The straight backed chairs didn’t help the image. I noticed the desk was relatively empty, save for a bowl of candy, some writing utensils, and an In/Out box with a startlingly proficient ratio of Out to In. The giant swivel chair on the other side of the desk was facing away from us, an obvious power move, so Longarm and I just sat down and waited for Luna to smack our flanks with a ruler. At least, that’s what it would have looked like to anypony else.

After a few moments of tense silence, Iris Jade, Chief of the DPD, spoke. “Longarm.”

He jumped like he’d been shot. “Yes, ma’am?”

“Would you kindly explain why you’re letting a cookie-cutter P.I. cheating-spouse-chaser work a serial killer case?” Her voice was cold and purposeful, and I think I became less of a stallion just being there.

Longarm looked like he wanted to say something, probably a clever lie, but didn’t. “A superior officer at the scene told me to grant the Private Detective full access. I didn’t want to question orders.”

The chair swiveled so hard I thought it’d break. And there she was: a stark, expertly straightened silver mane over a startling emerald coat, and matching green eyes. A perfectly tailored business suit whose creases you could cut yourself on. It wouldn’t surprise me if that wasn’t a metaphor. “A what?! A superior officer told you to let a civilian just waltz in and do whatever he wanted to a murder scene?! Who the hell was he?”

I flinched. This wouldn’t go well. “Well, ma’am,” said Longarm. “I don’t remember. I dunno his face, or his colors, or his Cutie Mark. I couldn’t even tell you what rank he was. The only thing I remember is what he told me, and that he was higher rank than me.”

Chief Jade looked ready to explode. Then, a few pieces of candy floated out of the bowl, of a shape I didn’t recognize, and she crunched on them like chicken bones. Then, almost instantly, her pupils tripled in size and her breathing stabilized.

Never take candy from strangers, kids.

“So. You mean to tell me a superior officer you can’t remember or identify told you to let this-“ she pointed at me without looking “-into a scene still being processed, and you just said Okie Dokie Loki?”

I’d be offended if I wasn’t terrified of this mare. Longarm nodded like he’d been convicted of the murder himself. Slowly, solemnly. I felt pretty bad for him. “Actually, ma’am. The… the superior officer just said ‘The Private Detective.’ He didn’t give a name. Considering Spy here is the only P.I. pony to show up, I took it to mean him. I thought it was because we were short-hooved because of Hard Boiled’s death.”

Chief Jade… I swear she must have smirked, or something. It was too fast for me to tell. Then she really let loose on him. But not in the yelling, berating kind of way. I almost wish she had. “Ok, Longarm. You think we’re understaffed? Could it have something to do with your partner being in the hospital?” He flinched with each of those last few words. “Well congratulations. You’re getting a new partner.” She turned to me. I felt like staring down a dragon would have been a more likely guarantee that I’d see dinner. “Congratulations, Eye Spy. Oh, yes, I remember you. Passed everything in the application except the psych eval.” Out of nowhere, a thin manila file appeared, and dropped open on the desk. She glanced at it, then back at me. “Seems you have a problem dealing with… what did the report say? Ah, yes. ‘Applicant is unsuitable for field work, as they lack the mental fortitude to confront mentally unstable or violent suspects.’ But staring at a dead guy for hours is just fine with you? Well, as it just so happens,” she continued. I felt very small. “As it just so happens, I have a rather unique power left to me by some rather early legislation. Back when law enforcement wasn’t focused around officers and scientists. Do you know what that is?”

“…no.” I said meekly.

“It’s the ability to conscript deputy officers as ‘volunteers’ and assign them to any post I deem necessary. Of course, there are some restrictions, naturally. I can’t just pick up any invalid with dreams to be a hero and slap a badge on him. But lucky for you, you have the necessary licensing and years of experience to qualify. So congratulations: until this case is closed, you are now a temporary Equicide Detective. Longarm, meet your new partner.”

We both stared at her, absolutely no idea what to say.

But she did. “Oh, and Longarm? If this one ends up in the hospital, too, I’ll cut a hole in your dick and use it as a tobacco pipe. Then I’ll cut it off.”

---------

Back down in the lobby. I was still trying to deal with the fact that I could breathe freely again. “What… what the hell just happened?” I turned to Longarm, and he didn’t say anything at first. He looked really quiet, almost contemplative. Then he looked up, the moment passed.

“Well, it looks like you’re my responsibility now. And if you fuck up I’m either dead, fired, or both.” I raised both my eyebrows at him. “Oh, yeah. She’d still find a way to get work out of me after she killed me, don’t doubt that for a moment.”

“Sweet merciful Luna,” I breathed.

He gave me a quizzical look. “Hey, let me ask you, are you a Lunite?”

“…what? One of those moon-bucking starry-eyed nutjobs? No, why?”

He shrugged. "I’d just never heard you use Celestia’s name, or really, any other goddess/power that be/conveniently swear-sounding name when you were upset. Why’s that?”

My turn to shrug. “No big reason. I mean, yeah, I guess I’m a little religious. I do most of my work at night, so I figure it couldn’t hurt to say a few words of prayer, just in case. And besides, I always thought she was hotter than Celestia.” I paused for a moment. “No pun intended.”

He rolled his eyes, then smiled. “Well, I’ve heard worse reasons.” He then ruffled through his coat, and pulled out a little box. “Here. Jade threw this at me on my way out. I think it’s for you.” He hoofed it to me.

Inside was a little plastic toy badge that said Detective on it. Swell. “Oh, great. And I suppose if I don’t wear it she’ll just stab me or something.”

“Probably,” Longarm mused.

I had to laugh at that. Our conversation was cut short, however, when Paperweight came trotting up to me, her notepad floating in the air next to her. “Hey boss. What’s new.” Not really a question, just an acknowledgement. I told her about my meeting with the Chief, and some of my suspicions as to Lockdown and the killer. “Well,” she said. “At least it looks like we’re getting somewhere. Ok,” she moved the pad in front of her, and started reading off notes. Bless her heart. “Telly says we’ll have a copy of the recording by the end of tomorrow, but she can’t do it tonight, because… I didn’t write a because, since she just went back to work after that. Her Royal Highness Fluffington Stuffington-“ I burst out laughing. She glared at me, or tried, but I could see a hint of smile on her lips. Longarm just looked bemused. “Fluff ‘n’ Stuff wants you down in the evidence room again. She said come alone, for some reason. I saw Sykes earlier, he says sorry about the gruff stuff earlier, he just wasn’t in a good mood. Or something like that, I think? I can’t get through his accent very well. Anywho, Inkblot called, he says he wants you in the office tomorrow morning. I asked him about Lockdown, and he said just to come in tomorrow and he’d have some answers. Also, never give him my number again. I needed to wash my ears out,” she shuddered. I could relate. “And that’s about it.”

Longarm just looked from her to me and back. “Miss, are you sure you’re not the detective?”

She swelled with pride a little. I almost felt bad poking holes in it. Almost. “Nah. Girl can take notes like she talks in ink, but put a book in front of her and she’d miss the second coming of Nightmare Moon.”

She just huffed at me, and turned to Longarm. “Please don’t get him killed. I don’t want to look for another employer.”

I gave her a quizzical look. “Whatever do you mean? Didn’t you hear? It’s AHOD in the department right now. They’re so short-staffed they’re even dragging in civilians and deputizing them. AND their assistants.”

Her eyes got really really wide. “Oh, Spy, come on.”

“Nope. You’re with me the whole way, Paperweight.” My cheerful, demeaning smile turned into a solemn one. “I can’t do this without you. You know that. Don’t make me do puppy dog eyes.”

She looked apprehensive, then finally, her shoulders slumped in resignation. “Fine. If nothing else I can be there to kill Longarm when he gets you hurt.”

Longarm started to laugh, and Paperweight and I just looked at him. He slowly stopped. “…you’re serious?”

Paperweight didn’t answer right away, just trotted up to him and stood muzzle to muzzle. “Foal, if he dies, or gets hurt, I’m taking it out of your hide. Then your paycheck.”

It was my turn to swell with pride. Who says you can’t find good help these days?

--------

Following the request of ‘Come alone’ from the diminutive Queen of the Lab, Longarm and Paperweight stayed behind and chatted in the lobby while I made my way back down to Evidence. I figured this would be my last stop for the night, as it was getting dirt-ass late and we all had stuff to do tomorrow.

Nothing much had changed since I was down here a few hours ago. Some of the bags had been moved, and there was new evidence that I guessed was brought in from the scene earlier that afternoon. I saw a few office knickknacks covered in blood, a couple of books, a journal or day planner or something, and some broken glass in marked containers all along the table.

Not seeing Fluff ‘n’ Stuff around, I gave all the stuff a once-over. The journal looked rather promising, and some of the books had potential, but I couldn’t make out their full titles between the labels on the bags and the blood on the covers. Which was odd, because I didn’t remember there being much blood outside of the lounge we found Barrel in.

“Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly,” I heard from behind me. The voice was familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I turned around, and saw a pegasus mare with rather familiar coloration.

“…Fluff ‘n’ Stuff?”

She laughed softly. As a filly, she’d been kind of cute. As a mare? Hoh yeah. Top shelf gorgeous. “Hello again, Detective,” she said softly, her voice much richer and more mature than before.

“Um… pardon my bluntness, but… what?” I cocked my head in confusion. Well, partly in confusion. Partly to stare at her fabulous flank.

The ploy didn’t go unnoticed. She shook her hips nicely, and I felt my wingtips tingle. “Confused? Allow me to explain. You’ve heard of multiple personality disorders, yes?”

I straightened my neck to look her in the eyes. It was hard to focus when I… wasn’t looking her in the eyes. You know what I mean. “Yeah, I’ve heard. Met a few ponies unfortunate enough to fight for headspace with some nasty character types.”

She nodded slowly, her smile not leaving her lips. She trotted closer. Proximity was becoming… well, not an issue, but I was certainly more aware of the lack of space between us. “Well, there’s this unfortunate little magical equivalent. Like it’s partner psychological disorder, it’s usually triggered by trauma or stressful events. Sometimes there’s a magical cause, sometimes it’s hereditary. But for whatever reason, it happens. More often than you think. It’s called Jeckyll and Hoof syndrome.”

My eyes widened. I’d heard rumors, of course. Sad junkies using it as a cop out to say they didn’t do it. That it was some other guy. Or that they were someone else. It was a disturbing scenario: two bodies, two minds, sometimes the same pony, sometimes completely different people, sharing… for lack of a better word, time. Only one of them ever existed at any given time, and from what little I knew it was almost completely random. It’s not something you could take medicine for. “…how…” was all I could muster. Party through surprise, partly because she was rather close to my neck.

“The how is a long, sad story. So is the why. Neither of which I want to trouble you with. The important thing is, if we’re going to… work together, I thought you should know. Sometimes, I’m an adorable little genius filly with a head full of knowledge and curiosity. The rest of the time…” she paused, lifting her mouth to my ear. I could feel her breath, hear it perfectly. “I’m a mare. With… needs.”

Oh boy.

Author's Note:

Ok, so I went back to the first chapter and found and fixed some errors. This story is still just kind of happening as I write it, so if I miss some little pieces of continuity please don’t hesitate to beat me over the head with them.

…that’s all from me.

Comments

[Chessie]

Author approved! This is excellent. Well done, sir.

-Chessie

[bahatumay]

Just started reading and I'm enjoying it so far. Got a bit of an Abby Sciuto vibe from Fluff1, that was pretty fun.

This chapter needed a little cleaning up, but I'm quickly getting drawn into the story.

[nemryn]

"I can’t remember anything except what he told me, and that he was higher rank."

Hmm. Some kind of hypnotism or mesmerism? Changeling magic?