Nightmare Moon has returned, and the Elements of Harmony go after her into the Everfree forest. But things take a dark turn when Nightmare Moon's trials are failed.
It is a nice direction but it just looks like the reverse effect of all the obstacles they had gone trough when defeating Nightmare Moon. It could also need more description and character developement. I can´t really get into the characters so even their deaths doesn´t affect me so much like it normally would. It would also help if the chapters would be longer. I´m looking forward for the other chapters.
I actually really like this concept, but I have two ways it could be improved: #1: Proofread to avoid the all the grammatical errors. #2: Since there's no way to avoid this being rushed (because the show kind of rushed this portion itself), the only answer is to draw out the deaths. You gotta write more than "So and so fell/got hit/etc., there was blood and some bones breaking, then they died.", try making it last a while, have the deaths be more painful and longer.
3062070 I'm pretty sure everyone's neglected to proofread at least once (including myself ), don't sweat it. Also, I just want to confirm that nothing in my comment was supposed to be hateful in case you interpreted it that way, it was all constructive criticism.
3062418 Mmm, I don't know, with Fluttershy I think it might of been more Rainbow Dash's action. Since she was the first to attack, Applejack though Twilight was the cause.
I have seen the original fanart of the "Elements of Failure" but I liked how you dramatized it so far. I agree with Dark Chiyou that you could have drawn out the characters a little more, but I think the story is very well done so far.
This is a very dark mirror image vision of how the Mane 6's quest to defeat Nightmare Moon could have gone horribly wrong, and I like it! It reminds me of the old Agatha Christie tale, "Ten Little Indians." I can't wait to see how you flesh out the rest of the character's fates.
In the meantime, I will check out some Pony fluff on YouTube to balance it out.
3062819 Yea, I loved those images. I requested permission from HareTrinity before I started. She's gave me full permission to go ahead.
I do need to work on character development more. Always one of my weak points, that and detail. Dyslexia sucks sometimes.
I haven't read any of Agatha Christie's stuff but my mom loves her work.
I do understand how you feel to. After the first two chapters I was done for the day on this one, had to find something to bring up my mood. Fluttershy might not be my favorite of the group, but was hard to write what happen with that sweet little pony.
That and I wanna flesh out more of what'll happen to the next pony, Pinkie.
3066918 It's not that it's dark, I think the "meh" came from the issue of the bad grammar and misspelling/misusing of words. I like the story, but I seriously suggest fixing some of the linguistic issues.
It is a nice direction but it just looks like the reverse effect of all the obstacles they had gone trough when defeating Nightmare Moon. It could also need more description and character developement. I can´t really get into the characters so even their deaths doesn´t affect me so much like it normally would. It would also help if the chapters would be longer. I´m looking forward for the other chapters.
I actually really like this concept, but I have two ways it could be improved:
#1: Proofread to avoid the all the grammatical errors.
#2: Since there's no way to avoid this being rushed (because the show kind of rushed this portion itself), the only answer is to draw out the deaths. You gotta write more than "So and so fell/got hit/etc., there was blood and some bones breaking, then they died.", try making it last a while, have the deaths be more painful and longer.
Dis story is lulzy. Upvoted & faved.
3061759 It is, more or less the reverse effect. I'll see what I can do to bring out the characters and be more descriptive.
3061816 Yea, I'm pretty guilty of not proof-reading. I'll try to not do that as much.
I'll try to slow it down so it wont be as rushed, and see what I can do to draw out the death scenes and give them more of an impact.
3062070
I'm pretty sure everyone's neglected to proofread at least once (including myself ), don't sweat it. Also, I just want to confirm that nothing in my comment was supposed to be hateful in case you interpreted it that way, it was all constructive criticism.
so far twilight has been the cause of all of it
3062347 I took it as constructive. Unless the comment is like "You suck" or something, and gives advice like you did I take it positively.
3062418 Mmm, I don't know, with Fluttershy I think it might of been more Rainbow Dash's action. Since she was the first to attack, Applejack though Twilight was the cause.
3062450but twilight zapped the maticore knocking it down for some resone when you get knocked down it always pissis you off more that getting hit
I have seen the original fanart of the "Elements of Failure" but I liked how you dramatized it so far. I agree with Dark Chiyou that you could have drawn out the characters a little more, but I think the story is very well done so far.
This is a very dark mirror image vision of how the Mane 6's quest to defeat Nightmare Moon could have gone horribly wrong, and I like it! It reminds me of the old Agatha Christie tale, "Ten Little Indians." I can't wait to see how you flesh out the rest of the character's fates.
In the meantime, I will check out some Pony fluff on YouTube to balance it out.
3062542 Hmm that is true. I can see your point on that.
3062819 Yea, I loved those images. I requested permission from HareTrinity before I started. She's gave me full permission to go ahead.
I do need to work on character development more. Always one of my weak points, that and detail. Dyslexia sucks sometimes.
I haven't read any of Agatha Christie's stuff but my mom loves her work.
I do understand how you feel to. After the first two chapters I was done for the day on this one, had to find something to bring up my mood. Fluttershy might not be my favorite of the group, but was hard to write what happen with that sweet little pony.
That and I wanna flesh out more of what'll happen to the next pony, Pinkie.
3063737 Glad you find it interesting. I do hope it's a good type of interest though.
3064766 Yea, dark isn't really my format.
3066918 It's not that it's dark, I think the "meh" came from the issue of the bad grammar and misspelling/misusing of words. I like the story, but I seriously suggest fixing some of the linguistic issues.
This one is just realistic